There's the problem, right there.

Yeah, but it sure makes you appreciate Joyce as the voice of balance on MB radio, doesn't it?

That's the thing - even in our early dating days I just don't give a crap about romance. My DH wants more romantic type stuff than I do.

In general, the stereotypes that fit women just aren't me. I'm a tomboy, I'm type A, workaholic, work on the car, managed farms, I have no maternal insticts, I'm all business, straight to the point, very analytical, worked in warehouse, forklift operator, drive a huge truck, drive tractors and farm equipment. DH has the little cutsy sports car, not me!

DH is a graphic designer. He puts my clothes together, he'll pick out makeup and jewelry for me, he made and set up our wedding decorations. He picks all of the interior design stuff, he can't stand getting his hands dirty, he's more romantic and wants romance to have SF. He will keep up with the housework, SF is not and never will be one of this top 5 needs. He prefers conversation and affection to SF. Me... SF is my #1, Affection is #2, conversation is #4 or 5.

He's on board with the marriage, but I still don't care about romance. I think flowers are stupid (Walmart's bright dyed Daisies for $4.88 are all the flowers I care about having around), I'm allergic to chocolate. We date, we spend at least 20 hours in UA, but even when our relationship was on the rocks and I didn't think we'd make it and I was sure it was over, I still wanted and got SF. DH was the one that didn't want SF in those times.

I think that 95% of the population is different than I am, but don't say we're not onboard with the marriage because I don't give a crap about romance. I just don't care about romance. Heck, after 6 years living together I still get hot and bothered watching him get ready for work in the mornings, I'm way more visual than most women I guess.

Yet, the program still fits!


The way things are laid out, even if you aren't the "norm" the basic concepts are adaptable.

What?

UA time is about mutually enjoyable activities.

Needs are to be met in a mutually enjoyable and enthusastic fashion.

And, you rank your own needs and tell your spouse how you like them met.

No, you can't do the program a la carte, but it is adaptable.

But this thread isn't about you.
It is about unwritten.
And SHE is very much in withdrawal.

I didn't hear the clip the same way. I have never heard Dr. Harley say that women want SF to get affection except for cases when they need affection so badly and it's the only time they get it. I also didn't hear him say that women needed romance in order to want sex. He was saying that usually they need to feel bonded with their husband to have sex with their husband. That they need to have some of their other intimate emotional needs met to feel bonded (and maybe his physical attractiveness is the top need). The woman may still crave sex and that drives the SF, but still not be fulfilled in other ways. This lack of fulfillment shows up as a dislike for sex with their husband for most women, but obviously not all. I don't know, but I'd think that with enough neglect of other top needs, even women with a high sex drive will lose that drive and become withdrawn.

UW, is how you're feeling at this time affecting your desire?

You better believe it!

firstly, prisca, i did NOT say that dr harley was a load of crap. i distinctly said that during the course of my life, reading article after article in women's magazines & the like (including HNHN), about how women don't want sex like men do certainly made me feel, in response, "that's a load of crap!" because some women do. and believe me, i already know i'm in the minority without anyone at all pointing it out as if i'm unaware. i feel sorry for men! and just because unwritten and i do fall higher up the curve doesn't make our own needs less valid. as HHH pointed out (thanks!), MBing is about making your needs explicit so that they can be filled (not adhering to some stereotype of what needs are).

secondly, this thread doesn't appear to be about anyone at all at this point, sadly. unwritten has left the building. you really didn't need to be so snippy to viscountess, and frankly, i found you very rude. this is the third thread i've read today with several comments from you, and they all appear to be quite short tempered. are you having a bad day? we are all very much aware the UW is in withdrawal, especially as she stated so herself. i tend to take the horse's word for it, ya know?

LL, i have heard dr harley say, several times (probably because i often look for info on here about SF/ENs), that women want sex to fulfill their need for affection, because affection is not being met and having sex gets them the personal attention they are craving, though they'd rather have it in affection without having to get all messy. in fact, i have heard it directly in person from steve harley, who simply did not believe that SF was my #1 EN at that time. MB accounts for individual's individual ENs, but it's rather frustrating counselling with someone who then doesn't believe you are categorizing properly. i do understand that "MOST" men's own experiences have obviously been with women who, apparently i have heard, slow down the SF train shortly after the ring hits the finger, so it's no wonder that they *believe* this, but that experience does not completely invalidate the more, ahem, *rare* occurrences.

now, before there can be any further accusations of "this is not all about YOU," i'm just going to point out that for the last - what, 2 years? - UWs thread has been prodominantly about her unmet SF need. and if you don't like my response because it doesn't fit in w/your own experience (oh, but it's not about YOU, right?), then put me on mute.

- this space reserved for inevitable moderator intervention -

The "Other Topics" forum has been known to allow CIVIL discussion.

Letty,

If you have a problem with my posts, please contact the moderators.

When you do lump Dr. Harley into categories of "hogwash" and "load of crap," I will point out to you how you are wrong. And those were your words, not mine.

And vice versa, you know?


Can't just put you on mute if you're giving wrong MB info on another poster's thread. That's where I think people need to stand up and give the correct answer so the poster can receive help if they choose, along with any lurkers, people reading this thread ten years from now, etc.