Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
H
HBHH Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
I have posted on here before, but it's been a couple years. I have a long story but I'll try to explain briefly:

My wife and I met when I was 22 and she was 17. We met, instantly became best friends, within 6 months had pre-marital sex, felt guilty, became engaged, then got married at age 23 & 18. It is now 19 years later and we recently celebrated our 19 year anniversary.

The first 15 years of marriage were fairly uneventful. We raised three kids who are now 10, 12, and 15. We were not very physically intimate (she felt that sex was a duty and it showed) but I overlooked that as just having different needs. We remained best friends, have common interests, and loved spending time together. Overall I was happy and I believe she was also.

Four years ago she had her first EA with another guy. It continued off & on for nearly two years. They never had sex or even as much as held hands or kissed, although in her heart she wanted to and told him so. After lots of counceling and prayer she finally broke it off for good. There has been no contact since then, we actually moved to another city to make sure. However, the effects remain. She now knows that she can have sexual feelings for a man--just not me!

Then, 1.5 years ago she had her second EA. This time the guy came on to her. She was not necessarily attracted to him but she was attracted to his aggressiveness and that he "wanted her". He came to our house once and fortunately I was home early from work that day. That pretty much put an end to their brief EA and there has been no contact since.

Finally the big one started about 8 weeks ago. We were preparing for vacation and needed a dog sitter while we we were gone. This guy from her work offered to take care of our dog, so they met together a couple of times to introduce our dogs to each other. Well, this quickly turned into an EA and I found out later they met more than a couple times and had long walks together. Skipping some of the details, she quickly developed intense feelings for him and up until 10 days ago she was texting him constantly. After meeting with our pastor 10 days ago, she broke it off and sent him a no contact message that we wrote together. I later sent him a somewhat threatening message of my own. She has sent him a few texts since then, but he has not responded back.

So, where we are at now:

(1) She is very aware that she can have intense (sexual) feelings towards a man, but she believes she has never had those feelings for me.

(2) She feels that she lost out on the "normal" cycle of dating, college, and living on her own.

(3) She feels that she is now locked into a situation where she isn't happy. The only things holding here back from divorce is our kids and our christian beliefs.

(4) To a point she blames me and her parents for getting into this situation in the first place. Her parents let her spend hours every night in my apartment when she was only 17. And at 22 I should have known better than to date and have sex with a 17 year old (her words). However, she does admit that is was very consentual and that to a point she manipulated me into both sex and marriage.

(5) We have had great dates together each of the past three evenings. Even in the midst of our troubles we can have a lot of fun together. But then as soon as we walk into our house she is back to disliking me and longing to be with someone she is physically/sexually attracted to.

Through the entire past 4 years I have been in Plan A mode. My first question is when is it time to change to Plan B?

My second question is, how does a Plan B seperation work? We have started discussions of seperation. She is thinking of turning our basement into an apartment and that she will live there and I will have the rest of the house. I'm not sure that I can live that way--under the same roof with a wife who is not committed to me. I think it would be easier for me, and probably more effective at changing her heart, to do the Plan B and go totally dark. She does not have enough income to pay for an apartment herself. She is also afraid of being accused of "abondonment" if we ultimatly end up in divorce. For those reasons she does not want to leave our house. How can you plan B someone if they won't leave?

Some final thoughts: Through all of this I still deeply love my wife and am very attracted to her at all levels. I know I haven't been everything she has needed in terms of communication and spiritual leadership, but I am willing to work on those areas and have already started by leading a devotional and prayer with her every night for the past 3 weeks.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Have you exposed her affairs?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Your wife's separation scheme is a ruse to be able to run around like an alley cat in heat while you support her. It is a manipulation tactic to get you to finance her affair. Your wife is very manipulative and part of the reason she is so bad is because you enable her. When you reward manipulation tactics, you embolden and encourage the manipulator. Her tactics work!

It is obvious that your wife is out looking for action. These are not accidental affairs, these are very purposeful. Also, plan A is only supposed to last a few months. It is not intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
H
HBHH Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Have you exposed her affairs?

Yes--to her parents, our children, and several of her friends. Her parents are in strong support of me but have little influence over her right now. Her friends aren't necessarily a big influence either as she has been able to convince most of them that she is justified because of the way our marriage started and the lack of attraction throughout the years.

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
H
HBHH Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Your wife's separation scheme is a ruse to be able to run around like an alley cat in heat while you support her. It is a manipulation tactic to get you to finance her affair. Your wife is very manipulative and part of the reason she is so bad is because you enable her. When you reward manipulation tactics, you embolden and encourage the manipulator. Her tactics work!

It is obvious that your wife is out looking for action. These are not accidental affairs, these are very purposeful. Also, plan A is only supposed to last a few months. It is not intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders.

So can you give me some practical advice on how to start Plan B? If I throw her out and change the locks isn't that abandonment and illegal? What about our kids?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
In that case, I would prepare for separation. Ask her to move out. You will probably need to file for divorce in order to get legal protection with full custody of your children and primary possession of your home. Do you live in a fault state where you can file on grounds of adultery?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
HBHH,

Do you know who these OM are, if not you need to find out quickly.

Since WW is minimizing it is likely there was physical contact, just prepare yourself for that and accept it as a fact.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 07/01/13 12:08 PM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by HBHH
[

So can you give me some practical advice on how to start Plan B? If I throw her out and change the locks isn't that abandonment and illegal? What about our kids?

I would ask her to move out, then change the locks. Once she is moved out, then go into Plan B. Once she is out, you can set up visitation between her and the children. It is not illegal in the United States to change your locks.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Have you been tested for STDs?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
H
HBHH Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Gamma
HBHH,

Do you know who these OM are, if not you need to find out quickly.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Are these men married? And if so, do their wives know?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
HBHH,

Ok then you need to inform their wives, girl friends, family members and workplace associates.

When you expose do so quickly completely and without warning or threats.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 07/01/13 12:13 PM.
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
H
HBHH Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
In that case, I would prepare for separation. Ask her to move out. You will probably need to file for divorce in order to get legal protection with full custody of your children and primary possession of your home. Do you live in a fault state where you can file on grounds of adultery?

No, I'm in a "no fault" state. Also, I have no proof of actual adultery.

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
H
HBHH Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Are these men married? And if so, do their wives know?

No, all are single and unattached. I have sent a semi-threatening note to the current OM and he has not responded to her calls or texts since then.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Let's define your emotional state at this point, after years of abuse at the hands of this woman.

Stop talking about "love" for the minute, because you are seriously much too entrenched in your current marriage - evidently compounded by supposed "guilt" at your involvement with an adolescent, interrupting what would have been a more "normal" sexual maturation for her, to define or identify "love".

Do you (for your own needs) have to remain married to her? Do you need to stay wedded to a serial cheater? Need you remain with one who only reluctantly engages with you in the marriage-affirming activity of sexual activity? Are you anchored in a relationship with a woman who is interested in you strictly as an income source to fund her increasingly aggressive searches for other men? Do you enjoy, and thus must continue, being tormented by a person who in effect tells you, "Well, fortunately for me, though I do not love YOU, I had no problem finding romance and fulfillment with another man, AGAIN!"

If the answer is "Yes" to these questions, well, there is little to be done in your case. If YOU accept those strictures on your options, WW sure as HELL knows of them. When push, therefore, comes to shove, and you are (correctly) advised here to take actions that will undoubtedly enrage WW, causing her to threaten separation, you will fold your tent and retreat. (If memory serves, you have done that before, yes?)

So, what are your answers?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by HBHH
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
In that case, I would prepare for separation. Ask her to move out. You will probably need to file for divorce in order to get legal protection with full custody of your children and primary possession of your home. Do you live in a fault state where you can file on grounds of adultery?

No, I'm in a "no fault" state. Also, I have no proof of actual adultery.

In many no fault states you can introduce adultery and have an advantage when it comes to custody and financial agreements. I would ask your lawyer to look into that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
H
HBHH Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
So, what are your answers?

My answer is NO, I cannot stay in this relationship in its current state.

I'm not ready for divorce, yet, but I am ready for separation. I know I shouldn't be the one to leave, she should leave. What I'm asking is how do I make that happen while protecting myself from legal trouble later on? Also, do I prevent her from seeing the kids?

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
H
HBHH Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 10
She is moving into our basement as I speak. But long term I need her out of the house.

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
HBHH,

You need to expose everyone who matters to these OMs, their parents, grandparents, workplace etc, etc. Don't threaten that can get you locked up, exposure is nothing more or less than telling the truth.

Do your children know what is going on?

God Bless
Gamma


Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
What I'm asking is how do I make that happen while protecting myself from legal trouble later on?

First: Expose to everyone in her life; Mel has been coaching you on that.

Next: Cut off all of her access to funds and assets. Open new accounts under your name only, move all monies there, and close the (now empty) joint accounts. Terminate all joint credit cards. Cancel her cell phone.

Next: If the vehicle she is using is registered to you, pull the plates, turn them in, and cancel the insurance. If the car is in her name, isolate your vehicle's insurance in another policy, and stop paying hers. (If there remains a note on her car, cease that payment as well.)

Next: Start inviting friends over as often as possible, making the portions of the house that she has abandoned a fun, energetic, and lively environment. Cookouts, etc, with friends and family milling about while she huddles, hermit-like, in her cave should make plain the stupidity of her choices.

Next: Start making YOUR case to the children: "Mommy has decided that she wants to track down new boyfriends, and that is NOT what marriage is about. When/if she introduces you to her new 'friends', I would hope you would treat them like the parasites they are."

In short, you want the icon of her life that is thrust upon her to be represented as so:

[Linked Image from upload.wikimedia.org]

These steps should keep you busy for a day or two. Come back when this is all done, and we'll analyze what her reactions were, and advise you on continued actions.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 124 guests, and 71 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
purple17, cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux
71,729 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,547
Posts2,322,775
Members71,730
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5