Almost a year ago I cheated on my wife. When the woman I had cheated on my wife with wanted to see me again I kept making excuses why I couldn't see her and then stopped communicating with her altogether and avoided her at all costs. I haven't been a great husband to my wife in our marriage besides this and our marriage has been on a downward decline for some time now. My wife's best friend died, my cousin and the woman who introduced us to each other, a few weeks ago and she was heartbroken. She has been in a bad place and would not let me console her. I have been away from her and my 3 children for 6 months for military training and over that time I thought about what I had done and how much I love my wife and family and how I have taken her and our children for granted. After my cousin died I saw how much she was hurting and I couldn't do anything for her. It ate me up inside and I knew that I had to do everything in my power to make things right between her and me to save our marriage. I finally got leave from the military to come back home, home being California and I stationed at Fort Bragg North Carolina, and she left to go visit her sister and brother in Utah while I got some time with the kids. I don't know if it was the right thing but, I wanted her to have the support of some of her family and didn't want her to have any responsibilities once I told her so she could better cope with everything. I wanted this to be the last time she was ever hurt I didn't want to have her heal from what she is going through right now for me to just thrust her back down into a dark place again. She wouldn't talk with me 3 weeks leading up to all this. Telling her was the hardest thing I have done in my life. Because I knew I had to tell her but, it would hurt her unlike anything she has been through before. I finally text her that we needed to talk and told her there was something I needed to tell her and I would let her ask me anything and I would answer her honestly. She immediately asked me if I had ever cheated on her before I could say anything else. I told her everything July 3. I told her I was so sorry and told her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life living for only her. I want to be faithful to her and I want to make her happy. I am so tired of hurting her and I have seen how my actions have caused her so much pain. I have finally grown up after 6 1/2 years of marriage in part due to being away from those that are most precious to me and part due to my cousins death and my wife's breakdown. I don't know what to do. It seems the more I beg for forgiveness and tell her I am sorry and want her back. To make our marriage strong and happy. the more she seems to move away from me. I am lost. She's still in Utah and I will be leaving to go back to NC before she gets back from her trip. She told me she is going to file for divorce once she gets back home. I don't know what to do. She won't talk with me and she doesn't believe anything I text her. I think I might be pushing her away with my texts. If she was here I would be down on my hands and knees! I just don't know what to do. I have looked a bit on this site but, all I can find is info for spouses trying to uncover and fix there marriage that have been cheated on. How can I show her I have changed. I am a completely different person from who I was 6 months ago which was the last time she saw me. How do I show her how much I love her how I have changed. how do we work on our marriage when we will have the entire U.S. between us. I have to continue to do what i have to do to support my family. Anything less would be immature and would be making all this about me. It has to be her choice to want to stay with me but, what can I do to make her want to stay with me and move forward in our marriage together! She tells me to leave her alone forever and she can never look at me the same again. I told her I can give her space but she said she doesn't want space and that I betrayed her and she wants me out of her life. If anyone can give me advice or help. Anyone that has experience on either side of this issue that can help me make it where my wife doesn't feel less pain without me than with me. That feels more happiness with me than without me while I am across the country from her and will be for some time even if she decides to move out to NC with me in several months. I am a repentant man and husband who needs help. I am helpless and know it. I love my wife and need help to know what to do. What do I do to start to fix this now in California and what should I do when she comes back and I leave to North Carolina?

The only thing I can think to do to start is to tell her parents so that she might have some support when she gets back. My wife and children are staying with my in-laws while I am in training. She told me not to because they might kick me out then shed have to come back from her vacation sooner than she wanted to. I told her I would tell them the night before I left. Other than that I don't know what i can do for her. I already cleaned the entire house so she wouldn't have to worry about anything once she got back. I know that doesn't fix anything but, I just don't know.

Welcome to MB.

Who was your OW? Is she married? Have you ever cheated any other times?

When will you be able to be with your family? Are you willing to get out of the military to be with your family full time?

She was a woman I met in Salt Lake while I was on orders in Utah for 3 months. She isn't married. I have never cheated before.

I am currently with my 3 children while my wife is in Utah. I would do anything to be with my family full time while being able to support them.

Have you been tested for STD/STIs?

If she wants a divorce will you give her everything she wants?

I have not been tested for any STD's other than the ones the military check for. I was wearing a condom so I didn't think I needed to get tested and I had tests done by the military a few months later with them coming back negative.

If she wants a divorce I will give her everything she wants. She is the mother of my children and I will take care of her and my children no matter what happens.

You did the right thing by stepping up to the plate and being honest.

Your biggest challenge, however is being separated in the military.
How much longer do you have on your current enlistment?

The problem is that your career is very unfriendly to marriages and very prone to affairs during the separations. Your wife is probably very lonely and is herself prone to an affair.

Marriage Builders program is to remove the conditions that make the affair possible. In your case, NO opposite sex friendships and leaving the military. In fact MB recommends that married couples spend NO nights apart.

As for exposure, you should expose to your parents and siblings and let them know you had an affair and would like to save your marriage.

Over time, you may be able to win your wife back if you commited to showing love and care for her by meeting her emotional needs and the needs of your kids. This is more than paying the bills.
This is meeting emotional needs such as conversation, affection, affirmation and domestic support.
She has the right to divorce you. Adultery is a deal breaker.
But even if she does divorce you, you can still win her back by changing your lifestyle and being there for her and the kids.

This may take at least a couple years. Are you willing to work hard for a couple years and leave the military to win her back?

I have 4 1/2 years left. I have been in the military for our entire marriage. Three active, four reserve and, six months back on active duty. I am about enter selection for Special Forces once I come back off of leave.

I can't leave the service without attaining a dishonorable discharge and if anyone knows anything about that it follows you your entire life. It will affect everything I do from apply to a job to trying to get a loan.I would not be able to supply the needs of my family. On top of that they can and will take a lot of my pay and I can go to prison for a period of time before all is said and done. You dont just say you want to leave. You have to either go AWOL (warrent out for my arrest) or do something against the law; either cival or military.

I have talked to my mom a little about it but haven't actually come out and said it although I think she knows. Same with my Aunt who has known my wife most of her life and I am going to tell my wife's parents soon.

I want to take care of her emotional needs. I want to care for her. I told her this and she told me to leave her alone. She wont talk with me(only text), if I show her affection she she either doesn't reply or tells me she wants a divorce. As for affirmation and domestic support she wouldn't even let me come to my cousins funeral which is her best friend because she didn't want to see me.

I know she has the right to divorce me. I did all this to myself and have no one but myself to blame. I just came to see what the real problem in our marriage to late. Before I committed a terrible betrayal.

I plan on changing my lifestyle and want to be there for her and the kids as much as I can but that is severally limited. I will continue to work at this for however long it takes!

Was your affair partner in the military also?

No, she was a civilian photographer.

I dont think its feasible to ask someone to leave their job. Is the families means of financial security and although not ideal,distance is a reality for many couples. Its how that distance is managed and I suppose what can be done to restore trust in the relationship. Having an affair would have seriously added to the issues created by distance i.e. the requirement to trust that your partner, when out of sight, can adhere to boundaries and will respect marriage etc.

You didnt say what the pay off was for embarking on this affair and what need it fufilled?

Do you get any leave and is it possible to seek intervention in the form of marriage counselling etc?

People have to do drastic things to recover from an affair. Leaving jobs, moving to different states, living with invasive restrictions on their "privacy", ect - these are all common EPs.

[quote][/quote]
Your inability to understand change starts from within first scares me about you. When recovering from the adultery...the adulterer has to be willing to do whatever for as long as it takes to recover the trust of the betrayed. I am sensing from your words you have likely been thoughtless towards your wife in the past, and you used charm followed by a little change in action to woo her back.

That won't work this time. Now you are either all in or you must walk away and let her have her time to recover herself. Marriage recovery from adultery means no corners can be cut...it is a very narrow path that takes extreme self discipline to make it.

So soldier are you all in?

If yes the rules are the same for everyone...!

1) no contact with your adultety partner for life
2) no nights apart ever
3) make every facet of your life transparent
4) rebuild romantic love over the next two years by meeting each others emotional needs.

If you want I suggest emailing Dr. Harley...he likes to work with our military.

Mbradio@marriagebilders.com

The pay off was complicated. On its most basic level it was lust. All physical. It wasn't so much an affair as a one time thing. I don't want to try and justify it by saying that but it was a moment of extreme weakness on my part. Not that the way I was living helped keep me focused on my wife either. Me and my wife were never really intimate after our first year of marriage. Our longest dry spell was close to 9 months. I looked at pornography which didn't help our relationship and which she saw as basically cheating anyways. I thought she might be seeing someone. I would come home unexpectedly just to try and catch her with someone. I was anger and hurt and just thinking about me and my wants when I betrayed my wife.

I have told her I wanted to make the marriage work and I knew we could be happy together again. That I wanted to make her not hurt when she saw or talked with me. I told her we could go to a counselor but, she doesn't want to. I could "force" a meet with her but, when I came to her I told myself a few things. I would tell her in all honesty, humility, with no excuses. I would endure whatever she said and did and would never hurt her again. I just don't know how to respect her and her wishes while trying to win her back.

With due respect, you have recently discovered your own marriage suffering from infidelity (workplace-related) and your advice completely contradicts MB advice. You are not in a position to offer personal opinions on how to save a marriage from an affair. I suggest reading MB materials in-depth about this issue because you need to. Your husband will have to leave his job too if there is any hope.

I highly doubt Dr. Harley would encourage him to leave the military when he is so close to being done.

Starting with "with due respect" doesn't make what you posted any less condescending.

How long have you been married?

First Chris, thank you for your service.

Here's a good show on a Military couple.
Radio Clip on a Military Marriage
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Dr Harley Would say that he needs to spend 20 hours alone with his wife weekly and spend no nights apart.
This posters marriage cannot limp along for another 4.5 years.

@ BrainHurts - Thank you and I will look at those links.

@Jedi Knight - I would have the ability to move my family out to NC after I go through selection. My wife told me I should enjoy my time with the kids now because they wont be moving out there.

I recently found out she has been taking money and putting it in a bank account other than the one we share. I asked her about it and she denies it. She also was already looking for divorce attorneys. This all taking place while we had been separated for 6 months and before I confessed to her.

The 6 months apart definitely hurt our marriage but, the thing is without this separation I would never have come to realize what was so important to me. I would never have changed.

Maybe this is all a lost cause already...