Talking with some friends who have been in similar situations as mine, the topic came up- Physical affair, emotional affairs, or a mixture of both. They were discussing what would hurt the most and take the longest to recover from.

One friend said she wished she had my situation which is my WH had ONS which resulted in OC. (My WH is doing everything in his power for us to heal). Her WH had a physical and emotional affair for 2+. years which ultimately resulted in divorce although she tried everything for him to stay.

Another friends WH had one night stand and said she thanked God it wasn't emotional just physical, because she said it would be harder and she didn't think she would stay.

I know there are many things to consider when looking at an affair. Whether it be a ONS or going on for many years.

I know speaking for myself my situation is awful. And we are still not in recovery. There is much to learn for me and WH (with the help from this site and its resources of course).

Just wondering what people's opinions were on the topic. I feel like an affair is an affair no matter what it is. And it all hurts very badly.

Well Dr Harley says ONS are the easiest to break.

He explains this thoroughly in "Surviving an Affair"

Personally, my husband's affair was both. He tried to replace me with his AP and even spoke of marriage.

But then he realized he could never replace me

Nice to see the marriage card is a normal thing with affairs. Guess they figure they can hide the wrong because they are getting married. RQ your post has helped me alot.

An A whether it is emotional or physical is still an A and causes pain/damage for the BS and the children. Emotional A are just as destructive as physical A. In many cases emotional A quickly develop into physical A.

In my own expereince and as other BS have stated, although the A was painful, it is the wayward behaviour in a continuing A that causes the most grief.

ONS are slightly different unless there are series of ONS and the WS becomes addicted to the feelings associated with a ONS.

The only positive is discovering the MB principles and applying them to life, whether it be for personal recovery alone or for those fortunate enough to recover their marriage and create an even better marriage.

I think it's like being asked the question "How would you like your injury to be inflicted? A bullet? A knife? Car wreck, perhaps?" The resulting pain would still be more than anyone wants to take on. It"s the betrayal of ANY intimacy, IMO.

For me, the affair itself was not the painful and destructive part. My wife was not a virgin when we married. An affair made her no different.

It was the things she said, the excuses and lies she used to blame it on me that did the damage and ruined the marriage. The inescapable conclusion... that she had so little respect for me and my emotional welfare as to do this.

The complete, utter arrogance and audacity of sleeping in my bed, living in my house, eating at my table, spending my hard-earned money, when ALL THE WHILE, she was laying another man and having a good laugh at me.

It is a betrayal beyond description, whether or not it is a "PA" or "EA" is not even worthy of discussion, whether it lasted for 10 years or 10 minutes.

Murder is still murder, whether it is done by a single gunshot over a period of 2 seconds or by successive arsenic doses over a decade.

Fact is, God put adultery in the same list with murder, theft, and perjury.

I completely agree with all of you. It saddens me to see the stories of what people have went through on this forum.

RQ- they considered marriage? I see that more and more with what people have said. My friends WH was going to marry the OW also. Do people honestly think that they're actions are "justified" because they are going to get married? And that they're relationship based on adultery is going to last? That's ridiculous! Completely dillusional. My heart hurts for the betrayed spouses. That's so tough.

I completely agree that pain/damage results from the betrayal of any intimacy.

tfkeel- I understand your pain. For me, the act itself and all of my WH actions have hurt me deeply. I was still recovering from my miscarriage, barely could walk, and I would make his dinner and have it ready for him when he came home late from work. I would do his laundry, clean the house, and work out in the yard (eventually covered in so many poison ivy rashes) so he didn't have to because he worked. All while recovering from my miscarriage. Then he acts like it never happened and sleeps in my bed. It maddens me even thinking about it. Then, lo and behold he has an OC. A visual product of the affair.

As you can see, I speak with much anger. Not in recovery yet. But hopefully soon. I not only pray for myself but everyone on this forum. Recovery is a hard road but not impossible.

An affair is an affair no matter what form it takes, it is a betrayal.

Back when I thought 'it could never happen to me' I only ever acknowledged the slim possibility of a ONS perhaps while under the influence of a lot of alcohol. So I protected against those particular set of things.

I never dreamed it possible that he could love someone else. Because I am so flippin fabulous . I am, too.

So for me personally, seeing him texting 'I love you' to another woman hurt more than the very likely possibilty ther were having sex.

I think for most people its the lies. Because the A was probably two years in duration, I had to sift through ALL my memories on a lie hunt after DDay. Which is hurtful, tiring and painful.

But even a ONS will contain a hefty period of lies for a BS to process.

There are the lies SINCE the ONS if a cover up was done to hide the crime. And there are the lies BEFORE the ONS which covered up the secret second life which made a betrayal possible. Poor boundaries, a tendency to be dishonest, selfish etc.

And the simple fact they betrayed you.

Though a ONS is easier for the WS to forget about and withdraw from, I don't think there is any affair of which the same can be said of the BS. Its all one to us.

That is a typical thing to say during an affair as they fantasize together and make love bank deposits. Sometimes they even buy a ring - more love bank deposits. Sometimes they do this kind of stuff in desperation to prop up a dying affair.

A person having an affair is usually on a yo-yo, a double approach avoidance conflict: when they are with the affair partner, they want to be with the spouse, and when they are with the spouse, they want to be with the affair partner.

Couldn't agree more. When I read the first post, that is exactly what I was thinking. Affairs are ugly,destructive,and painful no matter what form they take or what side of the affair you are on.

Speaking from a FWW's point of view, once you come out of your fog and see what you have done to your spouse and family (again no matter what kind of affair you've had) it is disgusting.

Another thought: Affairs are the unwanted gift that keeps on giving. What I mean by that is that no matter what type of affair you have the affects they have on your family, children, friends, etc... keeps coming back to haunt you and the ones you love for years to come. Yes, you can recover and make your marriage better but you can never completely erase the pain and destruction of the affair.