Hello All,

Long time member, joined in 2000 when my dh had an affair right when he turned 40.

This site helped me tremendously, we did reconcile and 13 years later have separated again.

My youngest daughter died unexpectedly and suddenly last October, she was 21. The malestrom of grief and loss has consumed my world, I have never felt so bereft. I completely withdrew from my dh, I barely had enough energy to get up everyday and face the day.

I started seeing a therapist right after my daughter died, to help me cope with the grief and loss. We started discussing my marriage and all the problems that I have battled with for 30 years.

My therapist has seen us a few times together, one marathon session that lasted 3 hours. She is convinced my dh has aspergers syndrome, in which he cannot understand another person's way of looking at things.

Since he had the affair in 2000 and finally came home, I spent years trying to meet his ENs. It was not enough. His number one EN is sexual fullfilment. I tried for years. When I tried, he complained I did it out of duty. That I was not attracted to him and that if I really loved him, I would want him passionately all the time.

I stayed in the marriage for my kids. Now, I have no more energy. Since our daugther died, he thinks we can start all over again, have this grand epic romance, we can have sex whenever and wherever as we are now empty nesters.

I have lost all desire for sex since my daughter died. I am struggling to learn to live without her.

So, last week things came to a head when I told him in our joint counseling session I do not want to have sex for a while. I need time. He moved out the next day, saying he will not go back to counseling.

So, we are separated. He is currently staying with our oldest daughter.

My therapist asked me if I wanted to save the marriage. I really do not know. I have invested 30 years, tried to overcome infedility and years of being told I was the one at fault in the marriage.

My therapist said with his asperbergers syndrome, I will have to spend the rest of our married lives trying to teach him how I feel. I do not know if I have the energy or the desire to try to connect with someone who is so self centered because that is the way his brain is wired.

I have felt enormous relief that he has moved out. However, I am not sure if I want a divorce.

I am really not sure why I posted here today.

The solution is not for your husband to somehow learn or be taught how you feel. Instead, it is for him to learn how to behave in a caring manner by meeting your Emotional Needs, avoiding Love Busters, and learning to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html


If your husband learns to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, he won't have to be "taught" how you feel, he will just know that if you do not voice your enthusiastic agreement, he will not do whatever it is he wanted to do.


Additionally, YOU will have to learn to be radically honest, and never agree to anything you are NOT enthusiastic about.

Nomo,

So sorry about your DD.

The loss of a child is such a difficult thing for a marriage, (Aspergers or not) Because everyone handles grief so differently.


Obviously him moving out is not the best solution for the marriage. Do you feel you guys ever really healed after his A?

I think you might want to consider calling the coaching center, or sending an email to Dr. Harley.

Are you and your H still communicating since he has moved out? Are you willing to try getting in the UA time needed to repair the marriage?

Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Hold Her Hand,
Thank you for your reply. My therapist tried to talk to my husband about meeting my emotional needs, he tried for 2 weeks, then gave up. He constantly wants to talk about our relationship and will harp on me for what he perceives as my lack of interest in sex. If I approach him, he complains I do it out of duty. If I do not approach him he complains that he always has to approach me. This was prior to my daughter's death.

I have really tried to meet his ens, which is sex, an attractive wife and financial. I have a good job, I work out every day, I try to dress trendy, I used to be loving and attentive, holding his hand, hugging him. Now that my daughter has died, it is as if I have gone with her.

I tried for so long to hold this marriage together. I just want him to give me some time to try to come to terms with my daughters death, to grieve without him pressuring me for anything right now. He could not do it, so here we are.

NOMO

tismeagain, I like your handle.

Thank you for your condolences, the death of my daughter has opened gaping chasms in my life, I feel myself teethering on the edge of sanity and despair. I miss her so much and am trying to understand how a parent is supposed to outlive a child.

Was the marriage ever healed after the Affair. I would say no, he refused to do counseling, refused to read any books on marriage. When he did go to counseling he was very disengaged, it was just a waste of money. He thought it was enough to come home. He did contact her 2 years after he came home, then again 7 years in. He blamed it all on me, the affair, everything.

No communications since he moved out. I am in a firm Plan B, no contact whatsoever. I am willing to work on the marriage, but I need him to give me the time to grieve and just be. This separation is probably best at this time for me, however, I do not think I want to be divorced.

NOMO

Brainhurts, I will try emailing Dr Harley. Thanks for the suggestion.

Nomo,

I was here many years ago myself, trying to repair my marriage post H's A, but never healed (or used MB correctly) and ended up back here again! I don't remember my original posting name, so tismeagain it is

I am so happy that you have decided to email the Harley's! Please keep us updated.

Do you have a good support system around you now?

Well, it would seem that BOTH of you are pretty withdrawn. You aren't going to be very enthusiastic about meeting his need for SF if you aren't in love with him. And he isn't going to be very interested in meeting your needs if he isn't in love with you.

So, what the two of you really need to focus on - and this will be something that can help you progress through your grief - is getting in a bare-minimum of 20 hours each week of UA time doing things you BOTH enjoy enthusiastically, and meeting the four intimate emotional needs; Intimate Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Affection, and Sexual Fulfillment.

You need to shift the focus of your life on building your marriage and maintaining it.


Now, you will notice that two of your speed bumps are included in the four IENs. So, let's address those.

1) Intimate Conversation - at this point, in your withdrawn state, talking about the poor state of your marital relationship is a turn off. OF COURSE IT IS! Now, you might think that a ground rule like "no relationship talk" may be a good guideline? But, not really. Instead, a better rule is to keep your conversations along to lines; being pleasant (not digging up bad memories or experiences, and being safe (free from Love busters like; Disrespectful Judgements, Angry (or other emotional) Outbursts, or Selfish Demands. This will help both of you fall back in love with each other.

2) SF; remove the initiation pressure, schedule SF. Schedule it at the end of date nights, and make it an event. Look good for each other during your dates, and flirt. Heck, be suggestive. And, maybe I'm crazy... but the first time you have a good, fun date with your husband - knock his dang socks off if the night goes well. Show him who the boss REALLY is.


Any chance your husband might come and post?

Nomo,

Was that your email that the Harley's started to address and will finish answering on Monday?

I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter.

Regarding your marriage I caution you against following the advice of counselers.
They have a terrible track record and most are divorced themselves.

I think the best and ONLY hope, if you are both willing to work on your marriage, is marriage coaching through marriage builders.

NOMO,

I heard your email answered on Tuesday's show...well actually I missed the first part, (hint hint brainy ) and was just wondering what your thoughts are.

Do you think your H would be willing to email Dr. Harley too?

Thanks tismeagain for flagging me.

I have it noted and will post it.

Thank you Brainy!

You're welcome.

Here is the beginning of your question and I will post the other part when it hits the archives.

Radio Clip on Aspergers

Here it is.
Radio Clip on Aspergers
Segment #2

Thanks so much brainy...I am wondering if there may have been a segment on Tues. before this one? It almost sounded like they had been discussing her email before, because Joyce says she wasn't ready to set it aside just yet? I was listening to this show Weds. morning just before the live broadcast so I wasn't able to go back.

NOMO,

I hope you were able to listen and I think your H should hear it too. I hope you are still checking this thread and haven't given up on us. I know Dr. Harley would like your H to email him as well, ad you can continue to email Dr. Harley yourself.

I do understand what you are going through NOMO, we lost our teen son unexpectedly about 2.5 years ago. It was the worst thing I could have ever imagined happening! Our marriage was already in rough shape, as we had not recovered correctly from an affair my H had some years back.

I think Dr. Harley gave excellent advice, and in my own case I found focusing my attention to what I could control and change in my life to be best for me.

tismeagain,

Did you listen to this one also? This was on the day before. Is this the one you were thinking about?

Thanks brainy, I did hear both of them! I just thought Dr. Harley may have expanded more about the Asperger's, since he had been cut short about this on the first show where it was addressed.

You are so great with the links, I am not sure why I was thinking something was missing.