Hello and thank you for taking your time to read this. Like the title suggest I am a young father of 2 fantastic boys (2 and 5). I am 22 years old and am "Happily" married. Or at least I am. My wife and I has been together for 4 years going on 5. Married for a year and a half. (the first son is from a different relationship but I was here since he was a baby so he knows me as his father only) I work from home (dont make to much but def enough to help with bills) and my wife is the main supporter being a manager at a local grocery store. Ok now you know a bit about my life, let me start with the problem...



Like I said, i am happily married. but for the past week ive been noticing my wife has been closed off, always tired, seeming to be drained, un interested, seeming like shes disconnected. Of course I ask her to talk to me and if there is anything on her mind thats bothering her. Of course she says no its just the same old "im just tired". I accept it and try to be supportive for her. Let her know if her job is draining her ill look into getting a "real job" so she doesnt have to work as much. She works 40 hours a week, gets enough sleep but like I said im being supportive. I eventually get it out of her when were on our way to a mall that she has mixed feelings about our marriage. Im definitely hurt because prior to this week we've been very happy, very open with our marriage, and we are at its core very happy. She bursts out in tears telling me shes not sure if we are meant for each other.



I ask her is there anything specific that makes her feel this way. She says she doesn't want to always give me love and have to worry if she's being a good wife or not, she tells me she never got to experience life as a single person. I jump to conclusions and ask her if maybe she is not happy with me or this marriage, and if she feels like maybe there is someone else out there for her, she tells me "I dont know"


She says she knows she loves me, she loves our family, she is happy with me, so im like WTF! lol, i dont get it. Im very hurt by this cuz just 2 weeks ago we were taking trips to beaches, going shopping, staying home watching movies, just our everyday lives... and now this? So I tell her I cant just feel like crap and mope around all day, im keeping my self strong for my sons, but I cant do this if she is 50/50 about our marriage. Keep in mind since she told me all this, she acts closed off sometimes, then the next minute she's acting like nothings wrong, like we are normal. When I tell her this, I tell her I will be home every day when she goes to work so I can watch the boys. I tell her I will no longer be sleeping in the same bed as her because it confuses me, and i will look into sleeping somewhere else and tell her that I will figure something out (We have no family here) and not to worry about me just worry about her and getting her emotions in line and process everything. I tell her im giving her what she wants by letting her go, She tells me no that she feels I should be here for the boys and its just back and forth that I will be but I get it out of her that she just wants me home for her. We have sex and seems like everything is good. I still feel there is something seriously wrong. This happened today and she is calling me "hon" or "babe" telling me she loves me, saying she feels better, but I still feel something very wrong. I need help....




I realize this is a ton of writing and thank you for anyone willing to put their own advice or opinion on this issue. Thanks for reading. Any opinions or extra questions would greatly be appreciated.

Welcome to MB. I am sorry to tell you this but your wife is having an affair. She's just given you the "I love you but I am not in love with you" speech. On MB, we see it so often we abbreviate it to ILYBINILWY" speech and it very unfortunately it means an affair is going on.

Is she hiding or secretive about her mobile phone, or email, or FB?

Please ask the moderators to move your thread to the "Surviving an affair" forum. You will get more advice there from veterans who have been through this themselves, they will guide you through the MB plan that you will need to follow to rescue your marriage from destruction.

You should also immediately start looking for signs of the affair - phone bills, emails, FB etc. Do it secretly, do not tip off your wife.

I'm sorry for your pain.

The sudden change is definitely a sure fire sign of affair. The new excitement means the former marriage just pales in comparison.

The test for an affair is: suddeness, ILYBNILWY, very vague complaints that you cant fix.

Say nothing and start snooping my friend. I am very, very sorry.

Do NOT move out of the bedroom and certaintly not out of the home. It will only make her able to see you as a room mate and justify the affair better. Stay close to her and be protective and loving while you snoop. Tell her you love her and dont listen to her nonsense.

ps, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry, but I'm going to echo what the other posters have told you: your wife is having an affair. Quite likely it is someone she works with at the store or a shopper who frequents it.

I suggest you ask the moderators to have your thread moved to the Surviving an Affair forum for additional advice and suggestions.

In the meantime, have you done any snooping to rule out or confirm and affair? Can you check her cell phone for texts? Affairees will often send inordinate amounts of texts to each other. Or check your phone records for a high number of texts/calls to and from one number.

Also, get back in your bed. Tell her that you changed your mind about that because you realize that the two of you need to be together to get through hard times, not apart. And make sure you're being your best, most pleasant self (this is part of what's called Plan A.)

Last for now: don't tell her about this site or any of the concepts here. This is your resource for killing the affair, and you don't want her to know about it. If you find evidence while you're snooping, don't tell her about it. Bring it here and we'll help you with it.

Thank you all for your replys, but let me say if she is having an affair, I would be VERY VERY VEERY suprised.
As I stated we are very open about our marraige such as facebook, phone logs, texts, emails, you name it, we have eachothers passwords. If/when she does stay overtime, the money is there down to the cent, not to mention I have her phoone on gps. Where ever she is, i know about it. Im not saying she's innocent, because there COULD be someone. But I dont see it. As of the first post, we were in a bad place but now we have sex, talk openly, but still I feel something is wrong. I talk to her this morning that what changed from last week till now. She says that she loves me, she cant see splitting her family up, and such. But im still very much hurt that this came out of no where. Could it still be an affair or do you think it is what she says and just needs me to "step up to the plate more"?

The men who've been "VERY VERY VEERY suprised" by their wife's infidelity are legion.

Manager of a local grocery store, eh?

I am a former grocery worker, 10 years with one of the "Big 3."


While I was there, coworkers admitted to having sex in the store; in the dairy cooler, in the produce cooler, in the inventory control clerk's office, after hours in the bakery. To say nothing of manager's offices, bathrooms, compressor rooms.


My own wife, a 15 year veteran of grocery, had an affair at work with a coworker in her department. They had makeout sessions in the meat cooler. And when to a nearby storage locker on 30 minute breaks for sex.

Your wife's coworkers get 40+ hours a week with her, and it's quite easy in that time for them to have intimate conversation, affection, and recreational companionship at work. Those are 3 of the 4 intimate emotional needs - the fourth being Sexual Fulfillment.

You need to take this possibility deadly serious.

How should I approach her about this? I doubt anyone would tell there partner straight up that they are having an affair. What would you do? Also, another point I want to bring up is when ever I call her, she does pick up. If she doesn't then I can call the store and get transfered to her. I cant just do a sneak attack on her because if this is true with the whole "Sex everywhere" thing then im honestly not sure how to approach this.

Of course you should not tell her your suspicions, that would drive it underground.

Snoop in ways she would not expect. Look for a hidden phone, keylogger on computers to look for secret accounts, VAR, private investigator...

If she has real complaints, she would tell you what they were! Women are q good at that

While you snoop, encourage her to make complaints, be the best you can be, be attentive and calm. Tell her you only want her happiness. Don't make it easy for her to disregard you.

If you're lucky it may not a PA yet, it could still an EA. She'd have to leave the job if she's developing feelings for someone.

A first step is for you to quietly get a look at her phone and/or phone records.

Phone records can be easy via your service provider's website. Look for long calls or repeated texts to a particular number.

Besides the behaviors you have already noted, keeping a tight hold of her phone, guarding her phone, taking it into another room, getting defensive if you try to look at her phone are all signals that there is something there she doesn't want to be seen.

You need to investigate quietly and with tact.

While you investigate, I suggest you start reading through the Basic Concepts for this program, and begin a Plan A.

I will tell you that outside-of-work contact was what changed the situation in my marriage from my wife behaving poorly with a coworker into a full-blown affair.

A common misconseption about affairs is that cheaters get up one morning and go out looking for sex.

That is why so many of us would be 'very very surprised' at our spouse having an A.

However most affairs star quite innocently. The affairees meet each others needs accidentally. They talk, they are friends. Because coworkers spend so much time with each other, they become very important to one another.

Affairs hardly ever happen with gorgeous strangers. It's usually a freind, co worker or inlaw.

That's why affairs are so depressingly common.

When someone has foolishly built up a lovebank with someone outside the marriage, they fall out of love with their spouse.

Then they feel like they have to bust up their family. But they often don't want to and they feel trapped in a secret misery.

Yah, tell me about it ...

I was shocked when my wife revealed to me that she had an A. I didn't think she was capable of such a selfish, destructive act. Now that I look back, there were many, many signs present right in front of my nose that I didn't pay much attention to at the time. The number one sign was her cell phone. She would not leave it on the counter or in the bedroom out of her sight. If she went out to the garden with a pair of gym shorts on with no pockets, she would stuff in the elastic and take it with her. I would log on to the cell phone provider website and check the text and call usage report. It is all right there for you to see. If she is having an A, you will likely see multiple texts and a few calls per day to an unknown number. I learned all this after the fact and went and looked at all the records after she revealed it to me. I wish I had done this before it went from a EA to a PA. Good luck and I wish you the best.

But we are all capable of this. We are all "wired" to have affairs. All it takes is for someone else to make enough love bank deposits. That is why EPs are necessary for an affair proof marriage.

It was a surprise to me that it could all happen so easily, but thanks to MB, I understand it now. I am thankful to have found MB. It played a significant role in our recovery. I have surrendered any notion of possessing any superior morality over my wife. I am no better of a person than she is.

How Affairs Begin

Like others say, unfortunately this seems to be classic affair starting. Also like others say, it may be an Emotional Affair and not a Physical one (yet).

Do not move out of your house. Do not move out of your bed. You have not done anything wrong! By distancing yourself you make it easier for her to compartmentalize you and justify her affair to herself.