I was afraid. So much so, I was delighted to marry a man who hated alcohol. Alcohol had been an evil presence in my childhood and one of my deepest fears.

Early in our marriage, we both drank on occasion. It was the 'social' thing to do, so we did, but only occasionally.

We were both working, successful and happy together. We had some of the regular issues, but we were growing and learning together. The sky fell seven years into our marriage. He lost his job, fell into a paralyzing depression and started drinking. He started slowly, but over the years, the alcohol wove it's "I'm harmless" net around us.

It was like a slow poisoning. The dose increased each year. I was fearful for him, for us and for our children. Years later, I learned my "crazies" were the norm for co-dependents. Alcohol was his best friend. It helped him relax, it helped him laugh, it helped him make others laugh. It enabled him to be the life of the party...everywhere except home. In small yet increasing doses, I was training myself to tolerate and accept the unacceptable. All the while, hidden even to me, I was looking for an escape from something I could find no way to fight.

I continued to work, but was soon overwhelmed with financial debt, children, housework...multi-tasking and desperately seeking ways to keep from losing control. I failed - and drinking alcohol was a part of my failure. I cheated and was too fearful to confess, so kept it bottled up for years. I was so pathetically desperate for an ounce of happiness, I sacrificed years of future happiness for a few moments of escape. Not once, but twice; a decade apart. I was much sicker than I could have guessed.

D-day came after the children were grown and moved out. I confessed and accepted the unbearable barrage of belittling and name-calling I believed to be my just desserts. I answered all the questions, painfully and tearfully revealing the truths to his most intimate and invasive queries. I have apologized more times than I can count. He still seems to need more remorse than I have demonstrated. We read somewhere on line that this was the best thing to do. He confessed too, to an episode of cheating. By this time, I was so spiritually and emotionally devastated by his addiction to alcohol, the cheating on his part seemed of little consequence. The OW was a person of the past, but the alcohol, an ever-growing entity, still seemed more vile, deceptive and destructive because it was an OW I had no hope of winning against. "She" is still in his life daily. He defends 'her' as if "she" has had no part in his failing health and the pain our family has endured. "She" remains and continues to deflate the tiniest glimmers of hope we may have for reconciliation. He still brings 'her' to many of our attempts to communicate.

I had no strength left and was dying inside. The depression was debilitating. Moving out was not an act of rebellion so much as a desperate act of self-preservation. I am deeply grieved for his health, my sanity and the roller coaster of emotions our children have endured as a result of seeing their once, seemingly secure world blow up like a keg of dynamite.

I am still married to this good man. He is a good man who has made bad choices. I am a good woman who has made bad choices. I am deeply ashamed and remorseful of the bad choices I made. I cannot defeat alcohol for him. Neither can I accept that 'it', his 'harmless' OW, is either harmless or acceptable. We have a long road ahead of us, together or apart. We cannot undo the mistakes either of us have made in the past.

I can only choose to accept the truths revealed about myself and learn to create a new beginning for our future, or remain defeated by the past. I cannot make his choices for him. We fall down, and we get back up. This may be an end, but it may also be a beginning. We get to choose.

In conclusion, for now, my prayer

God, help up to choose with wisdom and foresight and not live in the defeat created by hind sight. We have so much to live for. Bless these who read. Heal us and our broken marriages. You sent Jesus to bear all our sins and teach us that forgiveness will always win a greater victory than a temporary, bitter act of vengeance. Forgive us our trespasses,even as we forgive those who trespass against us. Thank you for the greatest gift of all. In His Name, Amen

Still KeepinthFaith

God's light can shine even in the deepest darkness. He creates paths through the darkest valleys. He is the light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on the light. Godspeed.

Welcome to MB.

So you have moved out? Will he join AA?

Do your children and family know about both of your affairs?

Are you in AlAnon?

Please read.
Alcohol, Abuse and Infidelity

Moved: yes, I did.
AA: not yet
Children: yes they know.
Alanon: First time 15 yrs ago. Most recently, 4-5 years ago. I should try again.

These questions were a lot harder to answer than I realized.

Thank you for the link - I've read many of the articles on this sight and appreciate the insights. I'm still learning...and staying open to learn.

My Love Bank has been like our bank accounts through the years - often running low or overdrawn.

I met his Emotional Needs until one day (after 30+ yrs), "Snap!". Nothing left in the Love Bank. No matter how deep I dig, I can't seem to find any desire to do it any longer.

His Love Language is Acts of Service. I'm all served out.

The scariest thought is that I'm fooling myself to hope. We seem to be doing better apart, and that's scary too. There's no magic pill in this stuff, just time...and faith. Faith in God that is, because our faith in each other, without God, hasn't fared so well.

KF,

Have the spouses of these OM been informed?

God Bless
Gamma

I will look into the radio archives, because Dr. Harley has dealt with many alcoholics.

Who were both of your affairs exposed to?
Will he join AA?

Here's a good show. Tell us what you think.
Radio Clip on Alcoholics
Segment #2
Segment #3

Sorry your brain hurts. I know the feeling. Thank you for the links. Had a rough day. Tired of thinking, tired of trying, tired of hanging onto the end of my rope. So sad to see my hope for us slipping away.

I would love to hear somebody agree it is better to be truthful than to live a lie. A 'friend' told me shortly after I told him that I never should have told him the truth. My 'friend' had a miserable marriage for years because she did tell the truth. I really need to believe truth will win out in the long run, and is the better thing to do.

Are there really happy couples out there that have worked through all this? Or are they just a myth to keep us posting and reading the advice on this site?

Hanging on by a thread, but...