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samdew9 Offline OP
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So some of you may remember my other posts on here. But none of that matters now. Everything came to a head yesterday and she came to me and confessed her physical affair. It only happened once and it destroyed her inside. Which explained all of her behavior over the last few months.

So anyways, I have forgiven her as long as her affair is definitely over. She said that it is. Although she is struggling with writing the letter. She just wants it to be over and says that she is sickened by him an wants nothing to do with him. The good thing is that the other pile of dung is out of the state for the next 2 months and his guard unit is being deployed in January. So that is a huge plus. Plus he no longer works at her store.

But my question (and here is where it gets graphic) is this. How do I get over the visions in my head ***EDIT*** when I make love to her?? And when I kiss her ***EDIT*** How do I get rid of that and how long does it take for it to go away??? I have those visions periodically throughout the day as well. Not just when I have sex with her. Which has been just once. I've already broken down in tears 3 times today. But I don't want her to feel guilty so I don't let her see me crying. I'm trying to be strong, but I am just a stressed out mess.

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Presuming you weren't virgins when you wed...in time, you'll care about as much as thoughts of her with other men before you married (for the most part).

Of course, a great recovery helps. It's easier to forget the past when you're in love with your wife again and the present is pretty awesome.

Make your marriage extra-ordinary.

Mr. W



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"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Well first you can't begin R until you have all the details of the A.

I'm curious what made her confess to the PA all of a sudden

And what was your reaction to her when she told you this.


I would also suggest a lie detector test


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Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley and schedule a polygraph test the tell WW you set up the appointment.

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Originally Posted by samdew9
So some of you may remember my other posts on here. But none of that matters now. Everything came to a head yesterday and she came to me and confessed her physical affair. It only happened once and it destroyed her inside. Which explained all of her behavior over the last few months.

So anyways, I have forgiven her as long as her affair is definitely over. She said that it is. Although she is struggling with writing the letter. She just wants it to be over and says that she is sickened by him an wants nothing to do with him. The good thing is that the other pile of dung is out of the state for the next 2 months and his guard unit is being deployed in January. So that is a huge plus. Plus he no longer works at her store.

But my question (and here is where it gets graphic) is this. How do I get over the visions in my head ***EDIT*** when I make love to her?? And when I kiss her ***EDIT*** How do I get rid of that and how long does it take for it to go away??? I have those visions periodically throughout the day as well. Not just when I have sex with her. Which has been just once. I've already broken down in tears 3 times today. But I don't want her to feel guilty so I don't let her see me crying. I'm trying to be strong, but I am just a stressed out mess.

SamDew,

I remember your other post. Very similar to my story...the similarities continue. You don't give any details of how you found out. Did she just admit to at after you pressed her enough? My WW told me after her guilt finally got to her. That was her saving grace. Most waywards done share that emotion.

I had and still have those images six weeks later but they aren't as bad. I started feeling better after confiming it was only one time and she was VERY drunk, and the POSOM got her that way. Now I say confimed but I really have to take her word on this. Once she got out of her fog, it became obvious when she was lying, so I got pretty good at getting to the bottom of it. Plus her remorse eventually caught up. I started seeing her as my good lady that got in over her head in an EA when the POSOM got her drunk and effectively raped her (though she does recall giving consent). Those visual images aren't as bad as the ones I had when I didn't have the details. The other detail that helped me is that he was not able to "finish" due to his ED, although I wish I hadn't asked whether he used a condom. He didn't. She lied about that at first, but like I said, pretty obvious to figure out. She said the sex was awful, I believe that too. We've been pretty good in bed for fifteen years so she knew she was trading down. WAY down. That made me feel better too, knowing that he was that bad.

I'll caution you. Everyone needs different levels of details. I would suspect most people should NOT get the level of detail I asked for. This was my wife's second affair and I never got all the details of the first. I was already out the door this time so I told her to describe everything. I wanted to know if "the juice was worth the squeeze". For me, it was, but be careful what you ask, you can't unlearn these details.

To the other poster, my W and I lost our virginity to eachother, so that actually added to my anger. Since I never had to think about her previous sexual partners. It's a good thought thought. That may be a good coping mechanism if it applies to you.

My other thought here is that you have alot of work to do with MB concepts to fix your M. Those are just some suggestions to help get the thoughts out of your head so you don't have them getting in your way of carrying out the plan. NC and EP's first.


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I have also had problems with those images periodically. In our case we were each other's only partners, up until the affair occurred. I used to always think that was so nice, and so it still enrages me that that is no longer true. We haven't been intimate after I found out about the affair so I don't know how it would work or if those images will occur for me if that ever happens.


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Thank you everyone. She actually confessed more to me last night. Basically stuck to the only did it once. But there was the exchange of dirty pictures and other times of him touching her and her giving him oral And she gave him oral because she didn't want to have sex with him. To which I replied "If you didn't want to have sex with him, why didn't you just say back off, I'm married or flat out NO????" She said that she did tell him that a few times but he persisted until she gave in.

She also seemed to be more open to writing the NC letter as well. She also said that she can see that we are not going to get through this as long as I have questions going through my mind and that whatever I want to know I need to just ask her. But the thing is, do I really want to know some of this stuff? I mean yes, I want to know when the first physical contact was, how they avoided detection and so forth. But I don't know if I want to know if she spit or swallowed. Even though that stuff goes through my mind all of the time it seems.

After she told me what she told me last night, I could start to piece it together. I could almost pinpoint the dates that she did stuff with him based on her countenance. But I feel like the dad in a River Runs Through It when his son is killed. He wanted to know every little detail down to which bones were broken and where. I struggle with wanting to know every minute detail even though I know that I don't want to hear it. But I feel like I need to hear it so that my mind can't wander at all and then maybe I can heal quicker.

When she told me that he was being deployed I told her that I will be hoping like heck for an IED. And if he does get killed, I will go to his funeral and hang with the westboro Baptist scumbags and let them know what the piece of crap did. I actually wouldn't ever do that or hope for that, but it sounded good and made me feel a little bit better.

And she will be getting tested for std's. She already has the appointment made. I'm not sure what caused her to confess, I never asked. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know. I just feel like as much as I thought that I needed to hear things, I need even more to realize that nothing can change what happened and only I can decide my happiness right now and moving forward. But I do suspect that it was due to my detective work. But I had also been praying daily that the guilt of what she was doing would consume and break her. So I believe firmly that God had a hand in it.

I did call one of OM's lovers (he has 2-3, and seems to enjoy married women) ex husbands and found out that she has HPV and never uses protection. OM found out and went nuts on her. Told her that I was crazy and that I, yes you read that correctly, I crossed the line. Then, because I used a throw away phone and a false name, asked her why he would think that it is me?? Because I told the guy that the OM I was asking about was indeed having sex with my wife. And if that hadn't happened, then why would OM even think that it was me???? Then I found out that after she had gotten rid of OM...HA! That she was still contacting him. I asked her about it and she lied to me. I then told her what I knew and the tears and confession flowed out.


I have warned her many times that everything MUST be real and true. She also has given me all of her passwords...at least I hope that's all of them. The thing is, and I told her this, is that because of all of the lies and sneaking around, I am having a hard time trusting anything that she says. But, and she doesn't know this part, if I catch her lying about anything, it will be over.


I want R more that anything, but I am sick of being lied to and crapped on. I've put on like 30-40lbs since this started. I just want to lay in bed and eat pizza and ice cream. So I thank you to whoever suggested that I take all of those feelings and turn it into making myself better. I just need to get over that initial hump to get off of my fat butt and do it. I have nobody that I can really talk to, so I am so thankful that this website is here.

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samdew9 Offline OP
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What really gets me upset is that she is the one that cheated, the OM also had a hand in it as well. She said that she to him no and that she was married quite a few times before she finally gave in. And here I am in misery and the OM get to gallivant around proud that he banged a pastors wife and gets off scott free. And if we were to get a D, then our 5 children would have there lives rocked horribly as well. Why is it that the offenders are the ones that have the least amount of punishment??????? And the was that were innocent are the ones that get trampled on????????

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In the movie Gettysburg, Robert E. Lee says something along the lines of, "General Heth, it is when things get confusing that we do well to recall and rely on our orders!"

In your case, Reverend, I would suggest you "recall and rely" on the tenets of your creed.

...the OM get to gallivant around proud that he banged a pastors wife and gets off scot free.

I do not know your religion/denomination/sect, but it most certainly has allowance for judgment far removed from our earthly efforts.

From a practical standpoint, moreover, it was not OM who owed you fidelity and faithfulness. Your WW's transparent attempts at self-absolution ("I couldn't RESIST him - he ASKED!") are so insulting as to suggest her complete lack of understanding of the offense SHE has committed. You should concentrate your efforts on her, friend.

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Originally Posted by samdew9
She also said that she can see that we are not going to get through this as long as I have questions going through my mind and that whatever I want to know I need to just ask her. But the thing is, do I really want to know some of this stuff? I mean yes, I want to know when the first physical contact was, how they avoided detection and so forth. But I don't know if I want to know if she spit or swallowed. Even though that stuff goes through my mind all of the time it seems.
After she told me what she told me last night, I could start to piece it together. I could almost pinpoint the dates that she did stuff with him based on her countenance.

Here were my rules for what I wanted to know:

1. Everything that happened the times they were physically together. Easy for my case, they were only really physical twice, sex just once. I had her make a calender of all the times they were together. I mean everything. It was hard for her to remember and it was embarrassing, but she did. Basically, I wanted to be able to recreate the entire scene, know what underwear she wore so I could watch her toss it, know how long he performed OS, did she perform OS on him, what was actually said when they shifted from OS to intercouse. I could probably act out the whole thing if I wanted to. In WW case she did not perform OS so I like that alot more now (not that I didn't before). She said she thought about it but it kind of "grossed her out", it was too "personal". Huh?

I still have a hard time in the missionary position because that's how it was with him. All the details were important to me so I could replace my horrible mind movies <<EDIT>> with more tolerable imagary (head spinning drunk on his bed while he took advantage of her). Worked for me. She even told me the exact words she used when she was ready for him to "steal home". Same dirty words she always gave me that I loved so much...not anymore.

2. Everything that contributed to the affair. This was harder for her. Up until two weeks ago she was protecting one of her good friends that actually told her "you should do him". This was necessary so we could put up some effective EP's and toss the bad influences out of our lives.

In the beginning, in my anger, I asked some things I wish I hadn't. My favorite was: What kind of car does he drive? Now, everytime I see a Mercedes, I want to ram it with my V8 4WD.

So really, all you need to know is enough details to ensure you can protect your M from another A. However in my case I needed to know details about the sex so I could settle my imagination down. It worked for me, but I can see how some WW could actually exceed their BH worst nightmares. It's your call if you want to open that can of worms.

Originally Posted by samdew9
I want R more that anything, but I am sick of being lied to and crapped on. I've put on like 30-40lbs since this started. I just want to lay in bed and eat pizza and ice cream. So I thank you to whoever suggested that I take all of those feelings and turn it into making myself better. I just need to get over that initial hump to get off of my fat butt and do it. I have nobody that I can really talk to, so I am so thankful that this website is here.

I actually lost weight and couldn't sleep...still can't sleep. Yes, get off your butt and take care of yourself. Use this forum, just be honest with everyone. When you mess up (you will) they can take a hard line, so don't get put off by it. Most are very well versed in MB concepts so they will put you on the right track. Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by samdew9
What really gets me upset is that she is the one that cheated, the OM also had a hand in it as well. She said that she to him no and that she was married quite a few times before she finally gave in. And here I am in misery and the OM get to gallivant around proud that he banged a pastors wife and gets off scott free. And if we were to get a D, then our 5 children would have there lives rocked horribly as well. Why is it that the offenders are the ones that have the least amount of punishment??????? And the was that were innocent are the ones that get trampled on????????
Suffice it to say that many OMs are just destroyers. They don't really build relationships for themselves so much as they wreck others.

Concentrate on what it will take to rebuild your own marriage, and forget about the OM. He isn't worth your further consideration. As for ultimate justice, leave that problem for the Lord.


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Originally Posted by samdew9
What really gets me upset is that she is the one that cheated, the OM also had a hand in it as well. She said that she to him no and that she was married quite a few times before she finally gave in. And here I am in misery and the OM get to gallivant around proud that he banged a pastors wife and gets off scott free. And if we were to get a D, then our 5 children would have there lives rocked horribly as well. Why is it that the offenders are the ones that have the least amount of punishment??????? And the was that were innocent are the ones that get trampled on????????

It is horrible, but I am here to tell you - punishment will not help anyone.

An eye for an eye makes everyone blind.

Noone will debate your right to remove her from your life if that is what you decide to do. But if you don't want to do that, we can help you fix things. But you'll have to abstain from acting on any desire to see her punished.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Oddly enough Markos, I don't want to punish my wife. I actually love her more for telling me and getting it all out in the open. I do want to see the op punished severely for doing what he did and flaunting it. I would love nothing more than to have a cage match with him.

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Originally Posted by samdew9
Oddly enough Markos, I don't want to punish my wife. I actually love her more for telling me and getting it all out in the open. I do want to see the op punished severely for doing what he did and flaunting it. I would love nothing more than to have a cage match with him.

That will wear off in time and you'll realize that POSOM is just that. Just an average schmuck with way below average morals. The tough part is when you know that WW invited him into your life and she wasn't taken advantage of.

That's when the real work begins.

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I just don't understand how you guys can survive knowing the "gory details". Just the stuff I do know about what happened with my WW absolutely kills me. Literally the thought of her with the POSOM is the most vile thing that has ever come to my mind. If I knew the specifics I am sure it would drive me straight into a mental institution or something.

It amazes me that I can be as kind to her as I am, given that she has literally emotionally abused me and scarred my psyche with this affair. She has hurt me worse than any other human being on this earth has ever done, and betrayed me so fundamentally. Worse, she carried this affair on for a year and a half and introduced the POSOM to my children as "Uncle". And she tried to drive me out of the house and basically take the children from me. And now when I try to take her out on a date she acts as though I'm Atilla the Hun and the whole thing is absolutely torture to be around me.


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Originally Posted by samdew9
Oddly enough Markos, I don't want to punish my wife. I actually love her more for telling me and getting it all out in the open. I do want to see the op punished severely for doing what he did and flaunting it. I would love nothing more than to have a cage match with him.
Your sentiments aren't odd at all. Many betrayed husbands are more lenient toward their WW than the OM - the fact that their wife gladly began an affair is alien to them. Don't lose sight of the fact that she was a willing partner in the infidelity. She HAD to be, or the affair never would have happened. And I certainly hope she HAS given you all the truth of her infidelity - I'm sorry if I missed it, but you DID have her sit for a polygraph to make sure she has disclosed everything, correct?

Don't fall into the dangerous area of thinking your WW was a 'victim' of her affair - she agreed to betray her marriage.


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Originally Posted by Pius
I just don't understand how you guys can survive knowing the "gory details". Just the stuff I do know about what happened with my WW absolutely kills me. Literally the thought of her with the POSOM is the most vile thing that has ever come to my mind. If I knew the specifics I am sure it would drive me straight into a mental institution or something.

It amazes me that I can be as kind to her as I am, given that she has literally emotionally abused me and scarred my psyche with this affair. She has hurt me worse than any other human being on this earth has ever done, and betrayed me so fundamentally. Worse, she carried this affair on for a year and a half and introduced the POSOM to my children as "Uncle". And she tried to drive me out of the house and basically take the children from me. And now when I try to take her out on a date she acts as though I'm Atilla the Hun and the whole thing is absolutely torture to be around me.

This is why the BS controls the level of detail by the questions they ask. For once an answer is heard it can not be un asked.

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samdew
The level of detail you need only you can determine. Every BS has their own tipping point.

For some their imagination is far worse than the facts, for others the facts are worse. You just don't know till you pull that trigger and you can't un-ring that bell!

What ever you decide get it all and never bring it up again.Start building the great marriage you always wanted and those images will start to fade.

To me learning that my FWW initiated the PA was just as painful what she did. To other BS it is some other aspect, but it all hurts!

I had to learn not to dwell on it and try to concentrate on the present. Believe me when I tell you I tried for months to figure out a way to get her to un-screw that guy! I didn't find it.

There is a reason Dr. Harley says that infidelity should be against the law it causes so mush pain.

MB gives you the best chance to recover if you both follow it.


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year

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