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Joined: Sep 2013
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Bonsai Offline OP
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This is my first post. I've found this whole site very helpful but I'm still in need of some real people to talk to because I'm too ashamed to mention it to my friends.

My boyfriend and I have been together 11 years since high school, went to the same college, live in the same town and are 27 now. Our relationship was always a little rocky due to my moods and being prone to depression but he was usually supportive. In college we both needed to find ourselves and during a break in our relationship I hung out with a guy who date raped me. I wasn't drugged but I was pretty dumbfounded and scared. I later found out this guy went to jail for killing and dismembering a woman who fought back (he did this a lot...) That was how I lost my virginity. I quickly slept with my BF to try to correct it, but sex never felt right.
I went on, during breaks in our relationship and eventually while we were still together to sleep with other guys. on one hand i liked that I was now in control, but it was never right. I became more depressed, was an escort and a cam girl for a while because I realized my fascination with sex could get me money. I tried to cut contact with my whole previous life and confessed everything to my BF, who still loved me and stayed with me.
I eventually met a guy (while camming and looking for a real job) who wanted to save me from my life and i got along with well. he almost stole me from my BF, and i almost let it happen because it almost felt like something real.

I sometimes look back on the past or read past emails and I don't recognize myself, or understand what when through my head. one time my BF was really hurting about what i had done and i responded with a lewd joke. it was totally the wrong thing to do and i don't know why i let myself become so callous. I was disgusting, and i box up and forget these times and memories of the bad things. I can temporarily forget. He can't. then he reminds me, and we both feel terrible. I clam up, i don't know how to make him feel better, the past it there, it happened, it's horrible, I can't make it go away so i don't know what to do.

I have ended all contact with affair partners, though i'm still obsessed with sex. my BF has said he is unhappy and this can't go on, he also says i'm a sociopath. We are stunted in our relationship and he would like to be further along in his life than we are, but he won't marry me, obviously because of these issues. He knows getting married won't change things, and he worried a ring would just come off. He wants to one day, if i can be a better person. I'm not cheating now, but i'm not making things better either, i've stopped being bad but i'm still selfish.

I've been researching and practicing empathetic listening, and focusing on others rather than myself. I don't know why I've been able to make a conscious change this time when i never could before. I love my BF, he is amazing, and he wants us to grow old and be happy. I've always felt like i didn't deserve him so some affairs were self sabotage.

I am starting therapy in 2 days (never gone before) but it is probably long overdue.

so, the advice i need now is... how can i learn to be more empathetic? it has been a second full time job researching (i'm a scientist by trade so thats how i approach a problem) it for the past week and i have been practicing on coworkers and friends. it's almost like having emotional x-ray vision. What resources do you know about how to improve empathy? I want it to be real, I don't think i'm just mimicking it.

I want him to trust me and that i've changed. I have this time but i understand why he thinks i haven't. What can i do? how can I show him?

i've planned meaningful new dates, as well as things i did with the OM to "return memories that were rightfully his" something he asked for that I don't know how it will actually go over.

He hates me, and thinks about what I've done all the time, and he has for years. He's amazing, he's a saint. How do i help him move through being angry and unhappy? I need some insight from the other side.

i'm anxious about therapy because i fear she will find something truly wrong with me. I know i'm not a sociopath because i want to be better. Thank you for reading and please help me.

Last edited by Bonsai; 09/19/13 07:12 PM.

Learning to be a real person.
Joined: Oct 2009
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Originally Posted by Bonsai
This is my first post. I've found this whole site very helpful but I'm still in need of some real people to talk to because I'm too ashamed to mention it to my friends.

My boyfriend and I have been together 11 years since high school, went to the same college, live in the same town and are 27 now. Our relationship was always a little rocky due to my moods and being prone to depression but he was usually supportive. In college we both needed to find ourselves and during a break in our relationship I hung out with a guy who date raped me. I wasn't drugged but I was pretty dumbfounded and scared. I later found out this guy went to jail for killing and dismembering a woman who fought back (he did this a lot...) That was how I lost my virginity. I quickly slept with my BF to try to correct it, but sex never felt right.
I went on, during breaks in our relationship and eventually while we were still together to sleep with other guys. on one hand i liked that I was now in control, but it was never right. I became more depressed, was an escort and a cam girl for a while because I realized my fascination with sex could get me money. I tried to cut contact with my whole previous life and confessed everything to my BF, who still loved me and stayed with me.
I eventually met a guy (while camming and looking for a real job) who wanted to save me from my life and i got along with well. he almost stole me from my BF, and i almost let it happen because it almost felt like something real.

I sometimes look back on the past or read past emails and I don't recognize myself, or understand what when through my head. one time my BF was really hurting about what i had done and i responded with a lewd joke. it was totally the wrong thing to do and i don't know why i let myself become so callous. I was disgusting, and i box up and forget these times and memories of the bad things. I can temporarily forget. He can't. then he reminds me, and we both feel terrible. I clam up, i don't know how to make him feel better, the past it there, it happened, it's horrible, I can't make it go away so i don't know what to do.

I have ended all contact with affair partners, though i'm still obsessed with sex. my BF has said he is unhappy and this can't go on, he also says i'm a sociopath. We are stunted in our relationship and he would like to be further along in his life than we are, but he won't marry me, obviously because of these issues. He knows getting married won't change things, and he worried a ring would just come off. He wants to one day, if i can be a better person. I'm not cheating now, but i'm not making things better either, i've stopped being bad but i'm still selfish.

I've been researching and practicing empathetic listening, and focusing on others rather than myself. I don't know why I've been able to make a conscious change this time when i never could before. I love my BF, he is amazing, and he wants us to grow old and be happy. I've always felt like i didn't deserve him so some affairs were self sabotage.

I am starting therapy in 2 days (never gone before) but it is probably long overdue.

so, the advice i need now is... how can i learn to be more empathetic? it has been a second full time job researching (i'm a scientist by trade so thats how i approach a problem) it for the past week and i have been practicing on coworkers and friends. it's almost like having emotional x-ray vision. What resources do you know about how to improve empathy? I want it to be real, I don't think i'm just mimicking it.

I want him to trust me and that i've changed. I have this time but i understand why he thinks i haven't. What can i do? how can I show him?

i've planned meaningful new dates, as well as things i did with the OM to "return memories that were rightfully his" something he asked for that I don't know how it will actually go over.

He hates me, and thinks about what I've done all the time, and he has for years. He's amazing, he's a saint. How do i help him move through being angry and unhappy? I need some insight from the other side.

i'm anxious about therapy because i fear she will find something truly wrong with me. I know i'm not a sociopath because i want to be better. Thank you for reading and please help me.
Bonsai, welcome to Marriage Builders. How can we help you? It sounds like your boyfriend needs to be here - would he be interested in coming to this site?

Last edited by maritalbliss; 09/19/13 07:44 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Bonsai Offline OP
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He may. I know he's not getting adequate support. I will suggest it but he may not seek out the forums.

It's strange to refer to him as my boyfriend, he even says "divorce" rather than "breakup"


Learning to be a real person.
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Posts: 12,357
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Originally Posted by Bonsai
He may. I know he's not getting adequate support. I will suggest it but he may not seek out the forums.

It's strange to refer to him as my boyfriend, he even says "divorce" rather than "breakup"
Encourage him to come here. It is alarming to me that he thinks the two of you are married. He needs to understand that you are NOT married. You are living together. I don't care how long you've been sleeping together. You are NOT married. There is no commitment here, other than the tenuous agreement the two of you may have regarding who pays the utilities.

Ask him to come here. It will help.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by Bonsai
He may. I know he's not getting adequate support. I will suggest it but he may not seek out the forums.

It's strange to refer to him as my boyfriend, he even says "divorce" rather than "breakup"
Encourage him to come here. It is alarming to me that he thinks the two of you are married. He needs to understand that you are NOT married. You are living together. I don't care how long you've been sleeping together. You are NOT married. There is no commitment here, other than the tenuous agreement the two of you may have regarding who pays the utilities.

Ask him to come here. It will help.
As has been suggested in another thread, what the two of you really need to read is "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". Not only does this book help you understand the dynamics of your relationship, it also gives you a roadmap on how to both become committed buyers.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




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