That is a huge problem, ew. Have you told him all this?

If my husband yelled at me and was obnoxious, I believe I would strongly suggest he leave. You do realize he would still have to pay the bills and support you even if he left, right?

My suggestion would be to embark on a complete overhaul of your marriage that starts right with his angry outbursts. That should never be tolerated because it makes problem solving impossible. And it also causes you to fall out of love.

But the first step begins with honesty. Tell him how unhappy and unfulfilled you are in your marriage. Ask him to join you in going through this program in order to create a happy, romantic marriage for you both. If he won't do that, I would strongly consider separating because his abuse and neglect is making you very vulnerable to an affair.

Relaxation and meditation exercises sound like they could be fun. I will look into that. Thank you. He has a lot spinal damage, limited mobility and limited flexibility in many of his joints, so we would have to be particular about which exercises he does. Thanks again.

Yes MelodyLane, I have told him what bothers me, but it has come out in bits and pieces. I dread any conversations about "us ". It does need to be addressed though, doesn't it? I don't look forward to that talk, but avoiding it isn't working either. Please pray for us.

If you will email Dr Harley for his advice, he might be able to help you get through to your husband.

Ok....Thank you for your time and advice. I will begin drafting up a question for Dr. Harley.

Good girl!

Good and here is the address.

Thank you . You support helped me on a very emotionally bad day.

We are here to help you.

Does your husband's condition have a name? I would assume that it may be possible to ease his pain with stronger meds for a short time, say on your date night. Some medications that are very effective will often not be described for patients with chronic paon because of their addiction potential and because of the fact that the body gets used to them and they lose their effectiveness. Please ask a doctor who specialises in the treatment of pain.

Apart from that, I know several people with chronic severe pain and some of them are among the nicest people I know. It is not ok for your husband to have your world revolve only around him and his pain. Plugging in the ipod and ignoring you has obbiously not made his pain disappear but it will make his marriage disappear. As others have said it is in no way an excuse for having angry outbursts.

God bless,

Happyheart

Hi Happyheart. My husband is currently on a patch for continuous pain relief and a tablet for break through pain. He is on the highest dose that his gp can prescribe. His gp refuses to give him anything stronger because he says dh will need them after his future shoulder replacement surgery. My husband has been told by three doctors to see a pain management doctor. DH is afraid they will restrict his meds and he will be miserable.

Lately I have been settling for just peacefully co-existing. Emotionally speaking, our marriage is already gone. Strangely enough, when I just try to peacefully co-exist, he accuses my of not caring. He wants me to be available to meet his need for affection. But the level of affection that he needs is just a sampler for me. I am always left wanting more. I hate that feeling. But how dare he accuse me of not caring. If I didn't care I wouldn't have stuck around for the last 30 years! That is why I wanted to join a social group, to have a safe and enjoyable place to share with pleasant people.

I have severe chronic pain and I've been seeing a pain management
doctor for the past three years and they don't restrict meds. I'm on more meds now than I've ever been on and they are helping me.

I've also had several outpatient procedures there that have improved my quality of life. They do all they can to manage your pain.

I highly recommend for your DH to have a consultation with a pm doctor to check them out and see what they can do for him.

What is your DH diagnosis?

Hi Tink007. My husband has a rare form of rheumatiod arthritis which fuses his joints together. When his spine fused, it fused in such a way so that the new spinal bone growth now pushes on his nerves, stimulating the pain. He did bring up the topic about seeing a pain management doctor again yesterday. It takes him a long time to actually do it though. Glad to hear they have helped you. It is encouraging.

May I ask you a question? Since you too suffer from chronic pain, does it take less to anger you now then before? I have tried to keep my husband's pain levels in mind when he has an AO. I know I get snappier when I have a headache. His pain is so much worse. He does leave the house and work in the yard to avoid snapping at the kids and I on bad days. So he does recognize his anger and tries not to yell at us. But others have said there is no excuse for AO. I'm not sure I could be in his level of pain (usually a level 5) and not have an AO once in a while.

The board operates and advises purely on the advice of Dr. Harley - if you have a question about that advice, I would advise you write the radio program with your question.

Off the cuff - I would certainly advise that your husband consult a pain clinic, from there solutions including and other than meds can be established. Particular medical devices for his pain and/or muscle spasms may be discussed, or referrals to other specialists may arise.

I would advise you to follow this very closely - and advise your husband to have you involved as closely as possible as the outcome of his treatment will definitely have an effect on your marriage.

Hiew9, My pm doctor performed a Radiofrequency Rhizotomy on my spine that has helped tremendously. What he does is burn those nerves that are compressed. Awww what a relief. It is scary and it took me a couple of years to let him do it. I wish that I had let him do the procedure sooner.

It is not a permanent fix because the nerves grow back together. I could tell that my nerves grew back together in about 10 months because the severe pain came back. I just had the procedure again about 2 months ago. My pm doctor said that some patients last up to 18 months. I don't know that your
DH would be a candidate, but that is only one of the many procedures that they can do.

I don't know if other pm doctors do these procedures. My pm doctor is a spine and pain management specialist. He is also an anesthesiologist. This is the kind of pm doctor that he needs to check out.

The AO may be the result of a failed attempt to get his chronic pain under control. Coping with severe chronic pain is very frustrating and can make you snap at others. I learned that I get angry at the pain and not my family. On bad days I want to be by myself too so I won't snap at others. Your DH is doing the right thing on bad days.

Think of it this way, every morning you can expect you will mash your hand in the car door for the rest of your life. That should give you some idea of what living with chronic pain is like.

I have been reading here for years and read many times that when you are angry you are temporarily insane. I look back on my AO and I can see that I was insane and it's embarrassing.

I have also read here that the best way to quit having AO is to just stop. MelodyLane suggests that all the time here and she's right. I stopped and I no longer have AO. I learned that no one else can make me angry. I am in control of my anger and I'm no longer temporarily insane.

Sometimes when I feel an AO coming on I can hear MelodyLane saying "STOP! JUST STOP! STOP!!!" (LOL) and I walk away. Sure it is hard when being in pain all the time, but it can be done.

When he gets his pain managed it will take less to anger him. He needs to realize that he is in control of his anger. He needs to just stop his AO and have a positive attitude and quit going insane.

I figure if I can stop it, anyone can! Honestly, Dr Harley speaks often about how you can train your brain to go to a different place when you get frustrated. You can rewire your brain to stop feeling anger. People who experience high levels of physical pain can do that the same as others.

I have RA as well and live in a pretty high state of chronic pain. There are some wonderful drugs out there for nerve pain and other treatments.

And, being in pain is no reason to AO.