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All,
I am seeking reasoned and responsible responses to my question. I discovered that my wife of 15 yrs was having an affair (3 months in duration). Admittedly, leading up to the affair we were having problems. We have 2 small kids. By all accounts the affair is over. For the past 3 1/2 months we have been in counseling and my wife appears committed to making amends and making the marriage work. My question is: What would it take from your wife for you to forgive/trust her again? I am looking for clear examples (please list) of what your wife would need to do to prove that she is sincere. My wife has done a lot and I do love her and I wonder sometimes if I am asking more of her than is reasonable. Some friends have suggested that my wife has done more than enough for me to know that she is truly remorseful and should be trusted again. I just don't know. Advice needed!!!
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**edit**
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 09/24/13 03:23 PM. Reason: TOS non MB advice
Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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gift, in Dr. Harley's experience, neither trust nor remorse is required to recover from an affair. Trust is really a feeling that will be created in you when your wife takes steps to make sure that an affair is impossible, such as making her entire life transparent to you, giving you all her passwords and accounts, making sure you know where she is at all times, inviting you to check up on her, quitting any jobs where she might see the other man, etc. It's a feeling you will experience after awhile in recovery rather than a decision that you have to make.
As for remorse, Dr. Harley has seen many successful recoveries where an unfaithful wife was not remorseful at all and initially blamed her husband for her affair.
I recommend you check out the plan of recovery that Dr. Harley lays out - it has worked for many.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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gift1, Welcome. Have you read this article How to Survive an Affair
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Trust is the last thing to happen after you have successfully executed a plan of recovery. Recovery takes a minimum of two years. So, you should not expect to feel trust for some time to come.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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gift1,
In my case I want a complete detailed description of the affair.
Do you know who the OM is and has his the OMW been told?
If you listen to MB radio, Dr Harley says you can never unconditionally trust your spouse, because all of us can have an affair if we drop our guard.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 09/24/13 02:43 PM.
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Yes, I do know the OM and the wife does know. I told the OM's wife. My wife later sent an email to the wife to apologize and acknowledge her role in the affair (the OM tried to minmize and lie about the affair). My wife contacted to the OM's wife via email to give her all of the details (copying the OM) and to ask for her forgiveness and pledged to never contact the OM again. My wife sent a separate email and voicemail to the OM saying it was over and that she regretted it and there was to be no more contact.
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Yes, I do know the OM and the wife does know. I told the OM's wife. My wife later sent an email to the wife to apologize and acknowledge her role in the affair (the OM tried to minmize and lie about the affair). My wife contacted to the OM's wife via email to give her all of the details (copying the OM) and to ask for her forgiveness and pledged to never contact the OM again. My wife sent a separate email and voicemail to the OM saying it was over and that she regretted it and there was to be no more contact. Excellent. Since Step 1 (No contact) has been established you can move onto Step 2(Transparency) Step 2: Create Transparency
When a wayward spouse ends the affair, and agrees to rebuild the marriage, extraordinary precautions must be taken to guarantee that there will be no relapses. Affairs thrive on what I've called a secret second life. It's what you do under the radar. You know, or at least suspect, that your spouse wouldn't approve, so a part of your life is hidden from him or her. When a spouse is able to come and go without any accountability, men like Alex can have an affair with relative impunity. The temptation of an affair is great because there's little to stop them.
So I encourage couples to end their secret second lives by being transparent in the way they live their lives. It not only guards against affairs, but it also helps create intimacy and build compatibility. It's not a punishment for bad behavior -- it's an essential ingredient for a healthy marriage.
Transparency occurs when couples follow the Policy of Radical Honesty that I introduced to you in chapter 7. Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know -- your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, past history, daily activities, and future plans.
Nothing should be hidden. Passwords, email, text messages, telephone logs, computer histories, and all other forms of communication are made readily available to a spouse.
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What would it take from your wife for you to forgive/trust her again? I am looking for clear examples (please list) of what your wife would need to do to prove that she is since Hi gift, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, does not recommend forgiveness. Forgiveness means to erase the wrong, which is not in the best interest of your marriage. Nor is trust appropriate, because too much trust leads to the poor boundaries that lead to affairs. Rather, Dr Harley recommends just compensation. Please read through this article and tell me what you think: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Rocketqueen, my wife has been transparent. She has given me all of her passwords, emails, phone records, bank accts, etc. She calls or texts anytime she goes somewhere, and has cut off all contact with the friends who knew about the affair but did not urge her to stop it. She also sold her car and purchased a new one. The old car was used in meeting with the OM.
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And you are verifying that they have no contact by continuing to snoop and watch her?
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I am continuing to watch and snoop. Right now I am living by the trust but verify motto.
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It sounds like your wife is well on her way to giving you Just Compensation. This is what you need to recover from her affair:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...
2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...
3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...
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Did you expose her affair to anybody?
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I exposed the affair to my wife's sister and to the OM's wife.
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Yes, I do know the OM and the wife does know. I told the OM's wife. My wife later sent an email to the wife to apologize and acknowledge her role in the affair (the OM tried to minmize and lie about the affair). My wife contacted to the OM's wife via email to give her all of the details (copying the OM) and to ask for her forgiveness and pledged to never contact the OM again. My wife sent a separate email and voicemail to the OM saying it was over and that she regretted it and there was to be no more contact. Excellent. Since Step 1 (No contact) has been established you can move onto Step 2(Transparency) I hate to be a wet noodle here, but this barely qualifies as establishing no contact. Did you review either the email or the voicemail? I'd bet there was lots of inappropriate content. No contact should be established in a letter, approved by you and sent by you.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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As for the voicemail, I listened on the other line as she left the message. As for the /text/email, at my wife's suggestion, I wrote the email, she agreed with it, and I personally sent it to ensure it was delievered. I spoke with the OM's wife and she confirmed that the OM did get the voicemail and text/email.
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Eureka, I should have noted that my wife's communication to the OM said that there was "to be no more contact". I noted previously that there was "no more contact". I left out the "there was to be..."
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As for the voicemail, I listened on the other line as she left the message. As for the /text/email, at my wife's suggestion, I wrote the email, she agreed with it, and I personally sent it to ensure it was delievered. I spoke with the OM's wife and she confirmed that the OM did get the voicemail and text/email. How old are your kids? Has your WW changed all her contact information?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Gift1,
Did your WW meet OM through work and do they work in the same company or industry?
God Bless
Gamma
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