There's nothing to forgive, lacole! I was concerned that perhaps you didn't like the advice you got on the first thread, and were looking for someone to tell you something different in this forum. I understand now that this wasn't the case.

If you ever feel that your thread is in the wrong place, then click "notify" and ask the moderators to move it to where you want it. However, your original thread seems to be in exactly the correct place.

lacole, you might not be able to prove today that he has been having an affair for some or all of that five years, but you should look at the relationship between him and the woman he texts as being to some degree an emotional affair. (It might even be physical.)

I did read the whole thread but I can't remember: is she a co-worker? An old girlfriend? What is her relationship to him? Is she married, or living with someone? How old is she?

Has your H told you his intentions with regard to your marriage? He no longer loves you or wants to rebuild emotional intimacy with you, but has he said he wants to divorce, or is he suggesting that you stay together for the kids, with a sex life because he likes it, but knowing that the marriage is effectively over?

Your courses of action differ depending on whether he is having an affair and wants out, or isn't having one (which I wouldn't believe) and wants to stick around until the kids are grown.

Hi- well it appears this women is a coworker of his. She is 29, (hub is 50) with a baby and. Live in boyfriend according to him.

He claims they are only friends but line you said, I wouldn't be surprised if it becomes intimate or already has been.

Basically, he made it clear he doesn't love me, never will again and we should stay together for the time being for the kids and for the immediate financial reasons (im out of work but actively searching). I made it clear that their would be no more sex, although I'm sure he would have been fine if it continued. I just can't/won't be used and disrespected like that for one more day.

I think I know my options deep down, just want to hear the thoughts of others.

Also, how to I treat him through all this?

I'm so hurt and angry, but don't want him to get the best I me anymore. Walking around crying or sad will only give him control and make me feel worse about it all.

Anybody have advice...hold my head high? Be respectful and kind?
One day I can only hope he looks back and realizes how good he had...

Lacole,

Tell the live in boyfriend, he needs to know there is a man cutting in on his relationship. Your H may be fogged out with some fantasy that he can somehow help this girl with her personal problems. Show the boyfriend the phone logs.

In any event as long as your H is attached to this girl your relationship will slide backwards, you need to end this affair with exposure.

This is not good for your H to be communicating with a girl that young.

God Bless
Gamma

I don't know the boyfriend, I don't know anything about her/him other than what my H told me.

I have actually considered hiring a private investigator, get some evidence he can twist or deny or excuse away which he is very good at.

You know, I have felt badly for 15 years thinking I didn't deserve love or a good marriage for what I did, I accepted it cause I thought that was all I was worthy of.

I can't stay with someone who doesn't think I'm worthy. He will have to go at some point.

Lacole,

Have you tried looking them up on facebook? Oftentimes easier than you think.

God Bless
Gamma

Do you know where this ho lives? You'll find her boyfriend there.

You deserve a great marriage, lacole. And you can have that. But first you're going to have to kill this affair. You don't deserve to live a life in subserviance because you made a mistake. You deserve better than that.

I have no idea where this person lives, but will work at deciding how to handle it and what to do....

I can kill this affair but in the end can't make my husband love me. He can walk away from this affair and feel exactly the same way as he does today.
I will not beg,plead or cry to make him stay.

But I would rather be alone then be with soneone who doesn't see my worth and can love and cherish me.

You do not deserve ongoing punishment for an affair 15y ago if you have done your part for recovery. Know that.

Perhaps you husband has not renewed his love for you. He had a right to opt out. He doesn't have a right to abuse you. Years of using the past affair to hurt and control you is abuse.

If he will not stop punishing you and work with you to restore love, you should leave him.

He will not love you as long as he is in an EA or PA. Dr. Harley states we can only love one person at a time and if your husbands love bank is open to someone else to make deposits then it is closed to you. He is stuck in the fog of the fantasy and therefore doesn't realize what you do or the love you are offering.

Snoop and find out who the OW is and expose. If nothing else the OW's boyfriend deserves to know his girlfriend is cheating on him. He probably has no clue that he is being made a fool of at least help give him a fighting chance.

This is partially correct. This post is correct that your H should not hold you hostage but the part I don't agree with is 'punishment' for your past affair. Like it or not, the A has changed your life and marriage forever and you will be responsible along with your H (if you choose to work things out) to protect your M from an A for the rest of your lives. If you have not put the MB principles in place and completely 'Affair Proofed' your marriage then you've been living a false recovery and that is why your H has never moved on. Read, learn and implement the MB principles and you will have a shot of saving your marriage, if not you more than likely need to end the M.

Can I do these principals alone? And improve my chances?
H will never do these at this point or be interested in hearing...

It is not why he has abused/punished her, though, nor is it why he's had an affair. There are no excuses for either of those behaviors.

We need to be very careful to hold Dr. Harley's line about angry outbursts, abuse, punishment, and affairs: "reasons," but no excuses - the solution is to learn to avoid the offending behavior, not put the blame on your spouse for giving you a "reason." We need to be very careful not to give anyone (particularly a wife) the impression that her behavior caused someone else's abuse.

Not without combating HIS affair.

I hope you aren't disagreeing with what I quoted above from ItCanGetBetter, txstunnedman - because that is exactly what Dr. Harley would say.

And even then, not for long - Dr. Harley recommends that women try that approach only for a MAXIMUM of three weeks. After that time the pain is usually so great that a woman is at risk of developing serious mental, emotional, and physical health issues: post traumatic stress disorder, immune system disorders, etc.

Dr. Harley explains this on his show, Aug 8, 2013:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=05141
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=05142
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=05143
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=05144
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=05145
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=05146

I agree with that part. What I disagree with is the fact that her affair 15 years ago is not/should not be a factor in their current relationship state if it was never properly addressed. We don't know the specifics of how they dealt with the initial affair, if they never had true recovery (which is really sounds like) then it still needs to be addressed and the H is still the BH in this case. Those feelings never go away without the just compensation, if the husband was never provided just compensation then it still needs to be given. It just doesn't go away, there is no statute of limitations when it comes to infidelity.

And you are correct, there should be no abuse ever. If H didn't want the relationship he should end it. The BW should also realize if just compensation was never provided for her A then the 'recovery' she thought they had was not real because their marriage was never 'affair proofed'.