I am new to these boards having stumbled over it in a search for help with my problem. Quick breakdown

I had an affair
I lied
He left came back, left , came back until he found someone else
Told me about other woman and I went into a deep depression
Came out about 6 months later and this was all about 5 years ago.We are not yet divorced.
We were together 25 years and have 3 grown children
I have since had a couple of boyfriends but have bben with my latest partner 2 years. On the whole I am quite happy.
BUT
I continually compare him to my ex, I pine for my ex and what could of been often. How on earth do I stop this. My guy loves me very much and he sooo much going for him, his youth, looks and financial stability with a very good job.

can anyone guide me to what I should be doing to disconnect from my ex. Please don't say divorce because I just cant imagine cutting that tie.

Why won't you divorce?

Do you really think it's fair to your OM to be dating a married woman?

Why don't you get back with your husband?

why are you stringing your OM BF along when you are still in love with your husband? If you really want to get your husband back you are never going to be able to do so while in a relationship with your OM. Have you tried not dating and just remaining separated from you your husband? Having a romantic relationship constantly is not a necessity. You are jumping from relationship to relationship while still married....Why? Are you in individual counseling? I assume you are separated and no longer co-habitating?

My new guy 12 years seperated has not yet divorced. His reasoning ..... It prevents him from being tempted to get married again. Well that's what he tells me , and it suits me as then no pressure on me to get divorced.

Reason I don't divorce is because I just can't let go. That's what I need help reaching. I wish I was back with my ex husband. He was a good man . I don't know how to go about that either.
I'm stuck

Sorry just saw your advice.
I live on my own ( well one child still at home )
I have had 2 years on my own. First year after he left me and another year after I realized I was not ready to date after first bf.
I have not returned to counseling for 3 years.
I know it can be good but wondered if other peoples real experiances might be a better place to start.
I would like nothing more than to be back with my ex h but it would be because he is my children's father, he s familiar and secure. But i am not stupid enough to not believe we are both very different people now.
So here I sit stuck in no mans land

Is your Husband with someone else? Why don't you get back together?

What do your children think? How confusing this must be to them.

if it is causing you so much stress and grief, you need to do something about it, you cannot continue on, by not getting a divorce you are not getting the closure you are seeking. If you feel there is even a 1% chance you and your husband can work it out, then you need to make that your focus, knowing that it may only be in vain.

If you are not getting a divorce and there is some emotional ties here then you need to figure out what you want and do it. But you never answered why you would carry on with your OM BF if you still are emotionally attached to your husband?

I am almost one year post divorce and still get ripples of 'feelings' about my xwh. I know it is normal and they are coming less frequent and less strong, but when I was still married the emotions I had were intense and I could not work on moving on mentally still married. You are obviously having the same issue.

Hi Yes my xh is with the woman he finally left with years ago and lives with her. Recently I had cause to send him an email regarding an upcoming situation. and this is the reply I got. It was early june this year. He has been with this woman 5 years



Just like to say I do not consider Linda a girl friend as you put it, I have no ties with her and am free to walk anytime, I'm easily content and she is providing everything I need at this time, I enjoy her company and she is not demanding in anyway, who knows what the future will hold, she may think other wise but I don't care. While for now working the Norrie Street mortgage down I'm content to carry on what I'm doing.

I don't know quite what to make of it.

I think that marriage is a very cheap commodity in your world and that is very sad. Marriage is cheap and meaningless. Easy come, easy go.

If I were in your shoes, I would stay away from this married man and start dating your husband again. If you use this program you can fall in love with each other and create a fantastic marriage. But you aren't ever going to create anything in a dead end adulterous relationship with someone else who has no respect for marriage.

And if your husband is not interested in resuming your marriage, I would get divorced. Your marriage has been over for a long time anyway.

Have you considered that your bf can't let HIS spouse go, either? His reasoning for not divorcing sounds amazingly unbelievable.

So you consider my bf married because he is not divorced? He has been separated and like me all financial ties are svered for about 12 years.

I will read through the program. I am scared that I may be giving up a good guy for a memeory that will not be the same person.

Perhaps I want my cake and eat it too

Yes, he is married to someone else.


A good guy who has no respect for the institution of marriage? I would rethink your philosophy about relationships if you are looking for a happy, secure future with a man. The way you are going about it is not going to get you what you want.

The book you need to read is Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. And check this out: Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

Here.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Thank you both of you.

funnily enough I had not given any thought to the fact that bf was still married . you have given me pause to think.

Last night I was out and I met an old friend who has remarried and I caught her up with my situation and she said that she said to her bf " Your either all in or all out " meaning marriage . She would not have him move in. He married her and they have been happily together 10 years.

She said get clear in your head and make a decision . That's the hard bit. Get clear in m y head!

Sorry to threadjack, but Melody, when you suggest to Toni to start dating her husband again, how do you deal with the woman he lives with? Do you date him with her still very much in the picture? Or does he have to cut her off first? How long should you date him before you know if he is willing to resume their marriage?

Her husband told her he doesn't even consider her a girlfriend, so I predict she would be cut out of the picture pretty quickly if their relationship took off.

What are you going to do toni?

I don't know what to do.
I believe I do love my bf but I am held back from that total vulnerable state because I am not over my xh. I want to know if there is a possibility of the marriage being saved. As more time goes by, more bridges burnt, more memories created apart, it just gets harder.

I feel like I just cant take that leap of faith in either direction.I cannot make the decision. I suppose I am waiting for some push from either direction.

When I first had the affair , I apologised hourly and fought for next 3 years to save my marriage with n o luck. sometime ago I drafted an apology letter which really was written with all my heart. I have not posted it yet as I am waiting for the right time ( if ever). I don't know what I expect him to do with it, I don't believe I can put in the letter about trying again , as it is about the apology.

For the first time in m y life I truly don't know what to do.