Her tone will change and the claws will come out. Many BSs make the mistake thinking that if they are "nice" to their stbxWS, that they will act civil and stop being crazy. That does not happen...they get hostile and act worse; even if not immediately.

You still need to jot down a list of what you want. What is negotiable and what is a dealbreaker? Separate custody issues from property division.

Hah hah hah.
So the affair shack up didn't work.
Well good. I thought of the Hank Williams song " Your Cheating Heart" when I read your update.

Do not give her anything. Stop giving her money.
Get a lawyer. File immediately.
Call social services for the step son.
Its possible she may he willing to sell him to you. You may want to think about paying her off if she surrenders parental rights.
Otherwise let her become destitute.
My ex wife is a bum also.

I agree with Jedi_Knight -- you may be able to get her to sign over your stepson. You would be much better for him than she is -- and considering a lot of things you could be one of the few who are likely to get a stepkid in custody.

If there is a dad in the pic (or even not in the pic but alive), I doubt DDS would be signed over to his stepdad. Where is DDS's father?

Do you even want any sort of custody with DDS? Visitation?

My uncle, in the state of California years ago, married a woman (his first wife) she had a daughter that he adopted. They had a child together.
His wife became a stripper and basically just a whore.
In those days the mother always got the kids.

She didn't like the kids but she liked the child support.
So he made a deal. He paid her child support all those years and in exchange she let him keep her daughter.

Today the daughter is a married Christian woman with children of her own, living a clean moral life.

Boys fail miserably when raised by single moms.
I have young boys come to my house on the weekends. We often take a couple neighbor kids hiking or to other events.
They need a father figure.
That's something to carefully consider.

@KR: Thanx. WW calls DD8 3-4 nights a week, and currently sees her 2-3 weekends a month.

@BH: There is a couch downstairs, but it belongs to the friend/landlady with whom WW is lodging. That woman, btw, has four kids of her own: two older (late-teen?) girls who have left home, and two boys who live with her in the 4-bed house. The woman's taken in WW as a lodger in the spare room (to offset the UK's new "spare room tax"). I.e. woman has one room, her boys have a room each, and WW & DSS share spare room.

@JK: WW has a job, which pays maybe �40k (I think max). She says she has �1500 a month to live on, but debt-repayments and bills are crippling now that she's no longer living with OMPOS. She lives what is euphemistically called the "party lifestyle" - out all night weekend or weeknight, drinking binges, some drug usage ("soft" e.g. pot for sure, not sure of other). Some people say "perpetual teenage mode". She has several arrests and two convictions for drink-driving (and was lucky the police didn't strip-search her once, when she'd hurriedly hidden a joint in her bra).

@BR: Main thing for me is retaining custody of (i.e. securing a "residence order" for) DD8. I am reluctantly, nose-holdingly OK with a "contact order" that stipulates alternate weekend stays with WW. Custody of DSS13 will be hard: biodad is an American living in Australia, whereas we're in the UK. Biodad fumed to me at the start of this business that he was going to demand that WW ship DSS13 to live with him in Australia - his argument being that while it is true he agreed to WW having DSS's custody, she's broken the terms by living the druggie/alcoholic life she's gone on to live etc - but he backed down in the face of a fierce response from WW. I don't want to waste energy fighting WW for custody of DSS, as I've also been told it'd be harder because I didn't adopt DSS.

@JK: Re "Boys fail miserably when raised by single moms" I agree that that seems to be the general rule. As I said before, DSS seems to be dropping off in his passion for science and sports - now spending every waking hour on his Xbox and on YouTube (quite often, he'd refuse to come with his mum to pick up DD8, and stay home gaming). I fear for him a bit, but have to maintain hope.

Since you never adopted DDS, you have no rights to him and it's not an issue for you anyway. I agree you should focus on DD8. Have you been in recent contact with biodad? Sad that he backed down to WW but can you see if he is now willing to try and get custody of DDS. Biodad would be better than WW from the sounds of it. Very sad for DDS. What is the equivalent of Child Protective Services in the UK? Have they been called?

Given that WW is a POS mother, I would agree her son will likely fail miserably as any child likely would with crappy parents. I take exception to this blanket statement. There are plenty of single mom that raise great sons. Other factors in play contribute to this theory...not just that the mom is a single mom. That is oversimplifying any problem of "failing boys."

My two cents

If you feel like it, you can try helping the biodad get DSS. With two of you surely you could combat her.

@BR: You're right. I like to quote Alexandre Dumas' recursive lemma: "All generalisations are dangerous.."

And it might be speculated that WW would probably say she wants the best for her kids, but a) doesn't understand the sacrifices necessary for parents to make in firing their kids' achievements; and b) is not prepared to make ANY sacrifices, anyway. (She used to say to me "Yes, I know I'm being very selfish, but I've got only one life to live. And I was an only child." This on her way out as I tucked kids into bed, or as kids & I settled to watch New Year's Eve TV, or whatnot.)

I deeply regret allowing my wishbone to take the place of my backbone, and this allowing her unfamial behaviour to take root - let alone sprout & spread. But I'm trying to make sure my self-blame doesn't cripple me. Thanks for suggestions & encouragement. I wish you all the best in whatever you're dealing with, meanwhile.

Later,
Igi

I think you should contact biodad and tell him everything.
Tell him the boy may become involved with a gang or drugs, he is exposed to drugs and failing in school .
Tell him in no uncertain terms that the boy needs his dad to step up to the plate and you can give him numbers for a solicitor and are willing to help in any way

Agreeing with JK here.

Agreed, I think contacting biodad is in DSS's interests.

Given I'm now a single mum, I'd like to think future success is based on the mother and what they provide (love, care, support, values and opportunities) rather than a generalisation.

Hmm.. I don't like the idea of fighting a battle I cannot win, and potentially thus antagonising WW into intransigence over DD8's future.

I did discuss this with biodad (BD?), and he initially decided last year that DSS12's best interests lay in rejoining BD in Australia. However, WW vehemently disagreed, and BD's small appetite for such a change quickly dwindled into tame acquiescence. Were I to reopen this debate with BD, I suspect that WW would counter to BD - who, remember, had willingly given custody of DSS to WW in the first place - that in fact it is in HIS best interests that DSS13 stay with her - funded by whatever settlement she got from me..! Only the law can compel WW to give up custody of DSS - not BD (and certainly not me). It seems to me that DSS's life is in his mother's hands.

No. You can change this -- and didn't you say that he agreed to give her custody...BUT NOT in this sort of situation?

The law can't do anything if no one invokes it.

You are right. You don't have control over who step son lives with .
However when I see my neighbor 4 yr old, left in his yard with pit bull dogs unsupervised and yelled at If he cries and wants in his house (his mother has died of Drug Overdose but the ambulance crew revived her at least 2 times) then I report it to the authorities. So far they have done nothing.
But I can honestly say, I tried to help.

These years are very important for step son.
I think you should tell bio dad what I suggested then leave it at that. I think that is your moral obligation because you were a father figure in his life.

@JK, @KR, @HF66: Thanks. We all agree. I've done, and will do, my best for DSS13 (I was father-figure to him since he was two years old). Bigger-picture priority is still to get secure a good settlement. Regarding which, on Wed 16 Oct (two days' time) I have a no-obligation appointment with a solicitor. Thanks for thoughts, ideas and perspective.

Quick additional point: I have not discussed* with WW my illness, my surgery and the (negative) effect on my freelance business/employment. I thought to not give any undue information advantage. Was I over-applying the "stealth-mode" teachings from these pages?

I don't think youre overapplying anything.
Divorce is war and the less info the enemy has, the better.

Update: Saw lawyer today. he counselled against me making first offer (not that I was going to). He also suggested a number that amounts to maybe 20% of property equity value - a sum that pays off her debt and still leaves more than enough to pay deposit on good-sized rental property. The fact that I won't be asking her to pay my legal costs and wont't be asking her for maintenance payments on DD8 should, he advised, make such a low-end offer palatable. I'm preparing to be pushed to 33%.

Still awaiting WW's reply to email though (I used draft according to @BR, above): wonder if she's studiously ignoring it..