Hi all,
Got a written response from WW. Basically, she's asking for a bit less than I was considering as an initial offer (with some upward flex subject to negotiation). Should I offer more? I don't want her to suffer to the extent that it adversely affects her ability to look after DSS (even tho' he's not my legal responsibility - as WW herself often pointed out to me!) and to maintain contact with DD. My concern, based on her behaviours to date, is that things get too tight for her, WW'll cut corners re kids (ie rather than herself).

Here's the pseudonymised exchange:
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BH to WW:
Hi WW,
Per our chat last week I agree that it would be best if we could iron out a divorce settlement without spending a ton of money on lawyers and court costs. I do not want to fight, and I hope we can come to an agreement for the sake of everyone, especially the children, who've been through enough. Please get back to me and let me know what you specifically have in mind.
Bye,
BH
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WW to BH:
Hi BH,
Thanks for your email and you know if I was able to I wouldn't ask for a cent from you but as it stands now I am drowning in debt and am unable to make ends meet from month to month since having to pay rent. The final figure is $TFK. This will allow me to clear debts and pay DSS back what I have had to use from his account. Then I can start to save.

Speak to you tomorrow. WW x
====

The sum I had in mind was 1.2*TFK. "Tomorrow" is cos I'm driving DD up to spend day with WW in the morning. I haven't replied in writing yet - or spoken to WW yet about email, which just arrived.

All thoughts/wisdom/perspectives gratefully received,
Igiiroko

I wouldn't offer her more! She is not going to spend it on her son and you know that. Wake up!! You can always send extra AFTER the divorce (which I would not advise) or give things DIRECTLY to DDS so you know HE is getting what he needs vs WW pretending she is going to give him the benefit of this money. I would not trust WW with more money...she will just blow it.

Is this support, monthly alimony or a lump sum property settlement?

@BR: Thanks - gotcha. This is a proposed lump sum. Lawyer used the term "clean break" settlement.

Like you, a friend who's gone thru divorce says to not offer more - certainly not until other (non-financial) aspects have been agreed. Items such as residence (DD will live with me), contact (DD will visit WW fortnightly for weekend stays), holidays (don't know how to frame that), and other (not sure what else)...

I'm drafting a reply thanking her for answer, and telling her I'm considering her "(high) figure in the context of other things we need to agree..."

I would not call her offer "high"...no need to possibly tick her off if she is being reasonable.

Agree with your friend. There are still many details to work out. Have you met with an attorney yet? Is there a standard custody order to work with in the UK? If so, you may want to start there. I used the standard custody order of my state and tweeked it to fit my situation. The language for bdays, holidays, etc should be in there.

If you want a morals clause in there regarding no overnights with an OM/bf while your daughter is with her, you will have to bring that up with all the other non-financial items. Even if you can get WW to buy off on a certain period of time (1 or 2 yrs) it is better than nothing. Approach it as, DD needs time to adjust to the divorce. Hopefully she will have some sense and agree.

@BR: You are wise. Thanks again. I'd sent the reply already, but as it happens I did not use the word "high" to describe her proposal :-). I appreciate your point wrt "morals clause" which may be time-limited, to give time to DD to adjust. Thanks.

I haven't been able to find an exhaustive/definitive listing of all aspects, so I put this together:

1. Residence (done: STBXW is happy for our daughter, DD8, to live with me)
2. Term-time Day-to-Day Contact (almost done: DD8 will continue at school local to us near Reading. STBXW is in London, 90mins' drive away, but sometimes works at client 45mins from us)
3. Term-time Weekend Contact (almost done: when STBXW gets a place of her own large enough to accommodate that, DD8 will spend alternate weekends with STBXW in London)
4. Holiday Day-to-Day Contact (not done/help needed: STBXW is a habitual all-night raver, borderline alcoholic and consumer of so-called "soft-drugs")
5. Holiday Weekend Contact (not done/help needed: ditto)
6. Special Contact (not done/help needed re eg Father's Day, Mother's Day, parents' birthdays)
7. Other/Major Decisions = Morals(?) (not done/help needed)
8. Maintenance (almost done/help welcome: I won't be asking her for maintenance for DD8. I did not legally adopt DSS13, so am not obliged to pay maintenance on him)

Anything glaring I should omit or add?

PS: It's just struck me that since I'm asking for Plan D views, I should probably post this to a different forum/topic. Please respond here or under Divorce/Divorcing forum.

I wouldn't give her a dime more.
Shell just use it fot booze or drugs.
That's enabling.

You can always have food delivered if you are concerned about that