We have been married for 14 1/2 years, together for 16. We have 3 middle school aged children. our marriage has never been perfect, but we've never had an problems such as this. However my husband has had a problem with lying to me and telling tall tales since we began dating. If he would make me upset by the truth, a lie owuld always be better, in his mind. He is a very dishonest person with everyone, especially me. I have never had much trust in him.

My husband has never had female friends, outside of work, and even at work he has always kept everything strictly platonic. He knows this would be uncomfortable for me and cross my boundaries. He is s super nice guy though. He cares about others and is very selfless when he is in public.

My husband was military, but was never sent over seas. We did however spend weeks apart when he was at training. Nothing ever happened. We weathered through it and our marriage remained strong. 6 years ago (now out of the military for 3 years already) he lost his job and found one 3 states away. I had to remain home with the children for a year trying to sell it. No infidelity occurred. I was never really even worried. We weathered that year and came out a little stronger. We have always had issues. We are very stubborn people and set in our ideas and opinions, especially him. So last fall we went to counseling. It was wonderful. After just a few months our marriage was better than when we were even dating! At least I thought so.

In December my mother was admitted to the hospital and I took a red eye to her state. I ended up staying for 6 months helping to take care of her. My husband brought the kids to me over Christmas and they were enrolled in school. It was a very stressful time for me. My mother was not very pleasant to be around all the time. She has cancer and it is terminal. Instead of showing fear, she was angry and irritable, in her own home. In public she was all smiles and positivity. It was very hard to endure, but I understood and was there for her. She was never really mean to me, mostly to my father and it was so hard to just sit back and not say anything. If I had, it would have made matters worse. My husband could not understand this and wanted to fix things. When we spoke on the phone it was always short conversations at night. I had no one else to talk to but him. But he couldn't just be a supporting ear. He had to try to tell me what to do. I still never thought anything was wrong with our marriage. I still had him to call and looked forward to it every night and thought he felt the same way.

We were both youth leaders at our church. When I left they needed to fill my spot. Yep you guessed it. In comes a woman who was sweet and pretty and had a huge set of problems at home with her husband. They started talking at youth group. Then she would come over to my house alone with him at least once a week. Of course I didn't now any of this until 6 months later when I came home. His whole friendship was kept secret. The only thing he ever told me was that she was quiet in youth group and never really did much but sat and watched. In April he told me about a conversation they had had about her husband and what a horrible guy he was. This was only because he was going to watch their children while they went on a date. I felt very uncomfortable with both issues.

I didn't find out about their "frindship" until 2 weeks after I got home and learned it from a so called friend. This friend has since become best friends with the OW. I knew they were texting about youth group and I asked him not to talk to her until we got home from our trip. She continued to text him and to call him. As soon as we got home it became a little more, all reguarding youth group calendar and a child in the group. I knew by then it was more than just a working relationship and by the next day saw them interact with each other. I told him he was to have no contact at all with her except for youth matters. She was leaving the next mornign for a week out of state with her family and so he wasn't to contact her till she came back. He promised he wouldn't, but the very next day messaged her on facebook and there were 75 messages between the 2 of them. This continued for 3 more days before I found out about it. That Thursday he called her and told her he could not contact her ever again. That their friendship was over. Neither of them saw it as anything other than a friendship. Over the last 2 months he has agreed that it was a very close emotional friendship and can see now that it was inappropriate and should never have happened.

But I have a hard time believing that they have not contacted each other in the past 2 months. There is no evidence that they have, it is just a feeling. Mostly because of how dishonest my husband has always been on any stupid little matter. Also because for 2 weeks he continued this relationship after promising he would end it.

We live 4 miles away from this woman. We quit going to that church and I've lost ALL my friends because of it. We quit going to youth group obviously. She is still there and is now best friends with my friend. She has told my friend that they have not spoken since June, but I don't believe she would tell the truth to anyone. But like I said there is no evidence that he has had contact with her. If he isn't at work, he is at home. If he has to run to the store he takes one of our children. I have all his passwords to everything and check the phone records every so often.

Of course he could get a trac phone or call her from work. Or they could meet during the day while he's at work. I wouldn't put it passed her. But I have no way of knowing. I just cannot trust him or believe anything he says.

I told him that if he wants to repair this marriage, the first thing he has to do is be 100% open and honest with me about everything. Even if it will upset me. It is 10x's worse if I find out later that he was decieving me. And even worse if I find out from someone else.

I'm just having a really hard time getting through this and wonder if I will ever be able to trust him. I never have been able to.

I am trying. I have picked up this great book and he has agreed to read it with me. But even though he is spending time with us as a family, he isn't spending time with me. When the kids go to bed he either watches more tv or plays his games. We have been out 3 times together since I've been home. twice we sat for an hour not talking. The third time was ballroom dancing and the whole time he criticized my dancing.

Even though he says he never had feelings for this woman, I feel as if he doesn't care to spend any time with me. he thinks just being home is spending time with me.

ATU,

Then she would come over to my house alone with him at least once a week.

You can bet it was a physical affair too, get a polygraph for your WH, you can't recover your marriage while your WH is still lying to you!

Have you exposed the affair to the OWH?

What you WH is doing is called minimization.

God Bless
Gamma

How do you get a polygraph

Is he still always this dishonest? Did you know about his lies while you were dating? Does he like to make himself look better or to "protect" you or himself?


Most affairs are with co-workers that start out as friends. That's why we should avoid having friends of the opposite sex. Friends are those with whom we share personal information about our likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams. Married people should never discuss personal things with the opposite sex.


Separations are terrible for marriages, even for good ones, because at the best, they create independent behavior. It's very difficult to meet the ENs while apart, too. The military has many troubled marriages. At the worst, separations create the conditions for infidelity, which would include a secret second life.


Again, separations are terrible for a marriage. It doesn't matter why the separation occurred; it's still bad for marriages. I would never ever want my daughter to come and care for me at the expense of her marriage.


I'm sorry to say that this most likely became physical. There is hardly a chance that the OW came to your house and just talked with your H.



Did he write her a no contact letter that was approved by you?

Has the affair been exposed to everyone in the church, your family, including your children, and friends? If not, it needs to be. The church should never have allowed opposite sex counselors who weren't married to each other to run the youth group.



Install a keylogger on the computer. Snoop! There is no secrecy in marriage. And no right to privacy in marriage, other than going to the bathroom.


Four miles is WAY too close! You and your family desperately need to move away from the area. FAR away. You will always be triggered and the OW will always be a threat as long as you live so close to her.


You need to move.



Write down a list of all your questions. Tell him you need the honest answers to everything. He should write a timeline of everything that happened. Also, do you have access to the bank and credit card accounts? You should make sure you check all the details there, too.


You will only be able to trust him if he EARNS your trust. Dr. Harley has a plan of restoration that will work IF both spouses follow it carefully.


What book did you get? You should get Surviving an Affair and read it cover to cover with your H. Then follow all the steps.


Of course he had feelings for OW. He needs to shut down FB right away. MB has a plan for recovery after an affair, but the path is very very narrow. Both spouses need to be willing to do what it takes. You can start the process, but your H will have to join with you to make it work.

I'm sorry for your pain.

A post by MelodyLane that spells out Just Compensation:

Then why did you marry him if he was such a dishonest person?

I contacted the OW's H and this is the answer I got back.

"I knew of what was going on but warned her to keep her boundries. There were times when those boundries greyed a little and i told her she needed to back off. Both he and she crossed theses lines, but i would like to assure you that i believe it was a friendship and that is all. They had a lot in common and got along well. I met him multiple times both at our house and yours. I know there is nothing i can say that will reassure your doubts...but i don't think they ever crossed the ultimate line. I realize being told all of it at once would be overwhelming...but in my heart and mind i know it stopped at a good friendship"

Though my husband says this man NEVER came to our house. Then I received a text from her! "Please leave my family and friends (who were my friends and the ones who told me about the affair)O alone. You need to find closure on your own. As you can tell you did not provide my husband with anything he didn't already know. I'm sorry your husband was dishonest with you"

We are trying to move. We have our house for sale. But we can't leave until it sells and he finds a new job.

He lies for both reasons. To protect himself and to protect my feelings.

I wholeheartedly agree about not having friends of the opposite sex, but he never understood that. Though he never has had one until this woman.

Yes we informed the church and she went back and told them I was lying and making it up, that they were just friends and did nothing wrong. Her husband even is telling me they did nothing wrong, were just friends. Apparently she didn't do anything wrong, just my husband. She told her husband everything and only saw it as a friendship, though they joked about switching the names on their marriage certificates, oh no that was my husband, who conveniently doesn't remember that.

I have not informed his parents but am seriously considering it. I have informed my friends and parents. I put it all out on facebook where everyone in church and my friends, his friends, and some of her friends could see. But she told me I was wrong and had to go to church and clean up the lies I told!!!!

I feel like I honestly have NO ONE on my side.

My family lives 1000 miles away. My best friend has become her friend. Would rather be her friend than mine!!!

Why did I marry him in the first place, because I loved him and wanted to get away from my parents. He also couldn't wait 2 years for me to go ot college. He was afraid our relationship wouldn't last. He was probably right from what I've just had happen to me.

ATU,

I contacted the OW's H and this is the answer I got back.

Get a polygraph for your WH, then contact the OWH!

http://www.polygraphplace.com/docs/listcountries.php type in your zip code, also look in the phone book,

God Bless
Gamma

Google 'polygraphs' in your area. Call the police or sheriff's department in your area and see if they can give you names of polygraphers.

ATU, she has managed to gaslight her husband and he has accepted that as truth, sadly. There's not much more you can do to help the OWH if he chooses to accept her flimsy story.

She and her H are going to present themselves as innocent 'victims' of your 'fantasy' - that's immaterial to your marital recovery. Keep going forward with your own recovery. You've done all you can do regarding OW's H.

Please read. There are questions that posters have asked.
Polygraph Testing

My original post is here original post

I believe nothing physical happened between H and OW. My husband isn't your typical man. Throughout his life people have thought he is gay. He is extremely in touch with his emotions. He just isn't like most men. He is nice to everyone. What I see as flirting he sees as being nice to an over tired waitress who's had a scrappy day. It's a great frame of mind that many people dont have. He is a good Samaritan. He stops on the side of the road for people who have broken down. He is goofy and overly nice. So in his mind he was helping this OW by being there to listen and joke with and making her feel better. At least that's what he kept telling himself.

He knew he was crossing my boundaries. Which is why he kept this relationship a secret. It took him 3 months to finally admit and truly mean that he screwed up and went way too far and knew it was wrong at the time. It was a wonderful feeling and I finally felt like we could move on. We have been spending a lot of time together.

We want to move. She lives 6 miles away. Unfortunately our house won't sell and he can't find a job in another state. So we are stuck here. Thankfully we haven't run into her in the last 3 months. She has also left the church so we have gone back. Many people were so happy to see us back and welcomed us "home". However there are some who became friends with her. these were already friends with me. She spent the last 3 months telling people they did nothing wrong and were just friends. This woman told my husband not to listen to me. Told him he had every right to be friends with whomever he wanted and I was wrong to be upset. She had him convinced for a long time. But he's finally realized she was wrong.

So my issue is, why do my friends believe her over me? They've known me for 3-5 years. My best friend got to know this woman while I was away so she could find out what was truly going on. She decided she likes this woman. She ended our friendship and is continuing the friendship with the OW! After she told me she was appalled at what this woman had done to me and my marriage. I just don't understand it. She is the one who clued me in to what was going on in the first place. Then she tells me she doesn't wAnt to be in the middle because she likes this OW! She goes to our church and is a very prominent person there.

I was worried about going back because I didn't want H treated badly for what he had done. It doesn't seem to be an issue. Before we left we were the youth leaders. Some want us back, most are telling us to take it slow. We were also on the praise team. Someone doesn't wAnt us back in the praise team so we've been told to wait till after Christmas. We aren't allowed to praise God in singing with our group during the holidays. It was a knife to my heart. I feel like I'm being published for what my husband did. then there are those who are snubbing ME! Because they think I'm wrong for being upset over their friendship because she has them convinced it was just that. They don't know the details. How do I let them know what really happened, when they don't even want to look at me? I am not confrontational. I'm the nice person who avoids conflict at all cost. Eh o accepts a hug in public with a sweet smile from a woman who threatened me not a month ago. This OW is so much sweeter than me though and everyone loves her.

I am so depressed. I want to go back to this church now that she is gone. I want to go back to what we were doing before for the last 5 Yeats before she disrupted everything. But I feel like I only half belong.

I'd choose better friends. People who support an A are people you can live without.

Plus, you are setting up the OW and your WH with a support group and they know they will have friends if they get back together.

Since an A is an addiction that can always be resumed, you should not be encouraging it!!

I'd leave the church. You also both need to both get very far away soon. Your marriage is hanging by a thread and you and your H must be constantly triggered and expecting to walk into her.

Can your H be transferred? Work remotely?

Can you move away with the same job for your H? Can he travel in to work from another direction?

Can you rent out the house?

We cannot sell our house. We cannot rent it in our area, especially for what our mortgage is. We have searched the US for positions. It is not a transerable position. It is in the medical field. Most hospitals are on a hiring freeze. Trust me, we have looked into it. Had our house on the market for half a year. Every response was the same. We're asking at least $30,000 more than the market is selling at. We have to get it though or we can't pay off the mortgage. When you have a real career and own a house it isn't just a simple to thing to up and move away. I really wish it was. We could travel to work from another direction, meaning we could move to another town, but we have to sell our house first. We will look at putting it back on the market in a year. But if no one's hiring, it won't make much difference. He has to live within an hour's drive to work. Meaning she can easily see him no matter where we move.

There has been absolutely no contact between them for 3 months. I believe that 100%. However you are right. We could run into her at Walmart. Which is why he can't go anywhere on his own. She has no transportation during the day. They have 3 little ones still at home and her husband has their only vehicle. They are broke and cannot afford cab fare. So I'm really not worried about her driving to his work. Besides, hi coworkers would tell me if he's being visited at work.

We do not want to leave this church. Most of the people there love us and are against what happened. They all drove her out of that church. Doesn't sound very Christian, but I did a happy dance. The people at this church are my family. Our closest family members live 8 hours away. There are a couple people who are still friends with her and are snubbing me and H.

What hurts the most is my friend who is the one who gave me the details of their relationship and then continued to be friends with this woman. Dropped me as a friend altogether. Sure she's nice to me at church, but doesn't talk much to me at all. I just don't understand how she can do this. She was the one who thought something bad was going on. She was the one who outed this relationship. She did not like what this woman did. But she feels sorry for this woman. She's in a very bad relationship. She's very poor and her kids aren't taken care of very well. But this OW has every opportunity to leave and take her kids out of this situation.

Across the Universe,

Sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

I am in agreement with GloveOil and Indie Girl-you must leave that church.

My husband had an affair with a fellow church member. They carried on their affair under the guise of "ministry". After the affair was discovered and exposed, we had to leave that church.

The pastors had no problem with both families staying and worshipping together. But I had a problem with that ! I did not want to return to the scene of the crime weekly. Additionally, I didn't want the two "lovebirds" sitting across the church pining away for one another and oogling over what "might have been or should have been". Gross.

Sundays now suck. We are still looking for a church home. My kids had to leave their friends. And it isn't fair. But that's tough luck and we are better off not going back even though it would be familiar.

It would be like pouring lemon juice in a paper cut every time you went back there.

Sorry, but I speak from experience. That's reality.

ATU~

Last time you were here you were advised to have your husband take a polygraph. From your most recent post I suspect you haven't done that. If not, why not?

You said this on your last thread:


What has changed? What makes you believe you have the truth now? I am not convinced that you do. If your husband is really being honest with you then he should jump at the chance to prove his innocence. Schedule a polygraph, ATU.

Mrs. W

First, the OW is no longer at this church and cannot come back. She told everyone to F themselves at a leader meeting. Second I have no family here. The members at this church are my family. The majority of them do not condone what happened, but as me believe in forgiveness.

Yes my friend probably enjoyed the drama to heighten her own importance and is still friends with this OW. Who knows why. She thinks she is God's gift and is taking care of this woman and her kids or something. It hurts, but I will one day make new friends. I do not want to leave this church. Being there with people who love me really helps. Going back to my normal life before I had to save for 6 months to care for my mother really helps.

I did not get a polygraph. First we would have to drive hours to one. Second I do not have $500 laying around. Unless someone here wants to fund it for me, that will not be happening.

Yes my husband has lied to me. He has never had an affair before this. I believe in my heart that nothing happened. mainly because of how many times the OW said trust me he loves you. I know she tried. but he never responded to her. It was in her voice and what she said between the lines.

My biggest problem is knowing this woman convinced my husband that I had no right telling him he couldn't be friends with her. That fir weeks she told him not to listen to me and he listened to her. But we are past that. However she lives 6 miles away and I can't get away from her. Somehow God has smiled down on us and in 4 months I haven't run into her once. I know I will in December at my daughter's concert. I am terrified to go. But I have to support my daughter. I am terrified to go shopping in any local store. Even more so for my husband to go. I don't want him to physically see her ever again. that's impossible. We can't move. Our house won't sell. We can't rent it out, our mortgage is too high. I am completely screwed.

He has done everything right. no contact at all. Doesn't go anywhere without me. tries very hard not to argue. We are healing. But I've been so depressed the last couple days. I know I'll go through good days and bad days. the bad days are just so hard. I'm just so scared that we will run into her and I am so depressed and hurt that we can't change that. We can't get out of here. I'm terrified of what that may mean in the future. What if he slips? Nothing happened before. But what if something happens in the future? She can't handle the abuse from her husband anymore and comes running to him? It plays over and over in my mind.

Why can't you move? Being that close to the OW is going to be a trigger all the time.

Will you move?