What is Dr. Harley's stance on the workplace post-affair:


1. can a FWS EVER return to the place where an affair took place, the "scene of the crime", years later even if the AP is no longer there?

(*too great a trigger?)

2. A job prospect in the AP's county...geographic county of residence, but not in any proximity to AP's (assumed) residence?

(*increased odds of a chance meeting?)

Is the AP's house between the WS house and the work place?

Will the WS quit that job if the AP starts working there again?

Because the WS will have to resign regardless of whether they can find another new job, pension, health ins.

I would never be enthusiastic about H returning to work in the organization he was in during the affair. Neither would I ever be enthusiastic about living/working in the same county/state/within 1000 miles of the affair location.

The conditions for marital recovery:

1.) Eliminate ALL the conditions that led to the affair. If the workplace environment was problem, then your wife would need to find a position where the conditions are marriage-safe.

2.) No contact for life. There must be no opportunity for contact to occur, no matter how great the job opportunity is. If the OM was a contracted carpenter, where could she work where there would be no possibility of a chance encounter.

Both of these conditions should be met for the workplace, and you should both be enthusiastic about the position.

1. the conditions that lead to the affair, I believe, have been eliminated. It is not A hospital that is a trigger, it is THAT hospital where the affair started that is a trigger.

2. Now there's the rub! How to zig or zag in light of the fact that the POSOM has the possibility (assumed) to work ANYWHERE?

helpfordad,

But how do you feel about hospitals in general, I can't say I ever worked in one, but from my experience the doctors in them view the nurses and other female personnel as prospects.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,

Hmmmm, how to answer your question?

I think in general, HFM is happiest doing critical care in a hospital setting...that type of nursing fits her strengths, and she enjoys that type of nursing practice over a private practice or nursing home, for example.

It also gives her the greatest "say" in her hours, with the varying shifts, and the gest chances of promotion/advancement into management positions.

I understand what youre saying, and can only say that those kinds of 'people' exist in healthcare at all levels in all environments...but that myself and HFM, especially, seems to be acutely aware of surrounding ourselves with people, friends, and coworkers who support marriage, and avoiding those who do not, even shedding current longtime friends and colleagues who are not supportive or conducive to a (our) healthy marriage.

Specific to this case is the fear that the scumbag contracted carpenter can, theoretically, work on any commercial or residential jobsite in the tri-county area. So yes, do i fear his union or GC could send him to a hospital, any of the 8 or so in the area that HFM could work at, for a job or renovations? Of course. But is that a legitimate fear, or do we continue to 'cocoon' ourselves rather than search or accept jobs that would be advantageous to us in several ways...

Moving far away then the WW can have a critical care job and OM can never show up.

HFD,

Will your FWW inform you when people are hitting on her?

God Bless
Gamma

Yes.

She already has for an incident that occurred outside of work.

There is a man who works there now who cheated on his wife and they are or are getting divorced and he and his background creeps her out and she stays clear of him at all times.

Is there something that you're alluding to that I'm missing?

Thanks, Gamma.

HFD,

No it just that with affairs being so rampant in some hospitals, it is likely your WW will get hit on, and if this happens you need to make an example of the dude.

I guess I'm touchy about the medical profession, OM3 and OM4 were doctors, and some seem to have a God complex.

A few months ago I was speaking with a neighbor, a nurse, who changed jobs from a private to a military hospital and she was shocked that they took affairs seriously at the military hospital.

God Bless
Gamma

She should speak for herself, but I've always sensed she's not generally fond of doctors, due to their condesending attitudes and their God complexes...there are only a few over her 20 year career she's thought of as competent or personable or in it for the greater good.

Some OM like to brag about their conquests. So when there is a work place affair. Even after the affair is over and the OM no longer works there his buddies, fellow/potential predatory OM will see the WW as an easy mark and will try to bed her.

So I would say it never would be a good idea for a WW to stay working at the scene of the crime.

A WS needs to establish new boundries and understand there importance in relation to affairs. Yes failing to meet the emotional needs of your spouse is like one foot in the affair arena, BUT, failing to know and have boundries, male or female, your are detined for disaster.

As many of you here might have read my A disaster, my family and I moved out of the direct line of fire from where the A took place. It was the only thing we could do. I tried tirelessly to find gainful employment further away and almost moved without a job, but my FWW and I agreed that being out of the area where no chance meetings could take place and having EP's and boundries in place, we had a good chance of making it.

It has been (13) months since D-Day and I have no reason or evidence of any recontact. No chance sightings due to being 30-40 minutes from the major city the A took place, and my FWW and I are either together, or we are separtly at the workplace.

There are alternatives to make things work, but you have to be a realist on what you can handle.

It is ideal and gives you the best chance to move 1,000's of miles away, but some just can't do it.

I also know that you can not be near or in the same building as the AP or in the same social network.

We may move further in the years down the road once our kids are out of school.