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Just like the song says...

Guess I'll get started.

I've been with my wife for 20yrs overall...married for 15 of that. We've both had deep routed resentment towards each other for many of our married years for different reasons on each side. I'm also not going to say it's been one sided. We've both made mistakes...hurt each other in our own way.

BUT the last 3yrs have been extremely difficult. It seems just when I started to really listen to her needs and tried to work on them (communication of course being the biggy) and things seemed to be better....she had an affair. We went to counseling...and I guess the damage of yrs past made her hate me enough to have an affair. Of course I was devestated and have been in pain for much of the 3yrs following...not really being a nice guy since I hated her for doing that to me. I sought counseling on my own (got a lot of nothing that helped)...couples counseling (also didn't help). She blamed me...I blamed her. So to make a long story short...she had another affair...this one with a co-worker.

I hate her friends for enabling and helping her as well. I just don't feel I can ever trust her again. I was fully ready to divorce her...but I can never seem to leave her...I love her that much...and sometimes wish I didn't so it would be easier to leave.

So this time I'm doing what I said I was going to do the last time (and I really only caught her twice...but think there were others)...I'm separating and moving out while we attempt to work on it.

I guess I'm always at a crossroads. Do I stay after 2 affairs and possibly others...and who knows....maybe more down the line...or just cut my losses and leave this marriage. Even her own friends wonder why I have stayed. They think I have some ulterior motive or something other than I have children and love my wife.

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HH,

Gather all the evidence that you have and expose these affairs, first to the spouses and girlfriends of these OM, then to the families/churches/workplaces of the OMs.

Do not warn, threaten, or delay just do it, state the facts as they are, if someone asks why tell them you are doing this to save your marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by Hurting_Husband
So this time I'm doing what I said I was going to do the last time (and I really only caught her twice...but think there were others)...I'm separating and moving out while we attempt to work on it.

Do not move out !!! Separation makes things harder and you can face abandonment accusations if you divorce.

The tough question you have to answer. Do you want your marriage to recover? Think hard before answering.


BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
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I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here... frown

You're not crazy for wanting to recover your marriage. Lots of people on this forum have done just that using MB principles.

You have children together and a long history, so logically, saving your marriage makes sense. But it will take both you doing ALL the steps to recover. Recovering from an affair is a very narrow path.

Have you read the first sticky thread on this forum called "Start Here?" If not, go and read it, okay?

Ia your wife's affair over?

Don't move out of your home! It's very important that you stay in your home and eliminate ALL your love busters. Do you have angry outbursts? Stop them all right away. No selfish demands; no disrespectful judgments.

There are a few conditions for recovery after an affair:

1.) No contact FOR LIFE with affair partner.

2.) Eliminate ALL the conditions of the affair.

3.) Just Compensation: learning to meet each others needs and eliminate love busters in order to create a marriage that is better than it ever was before. Agreeing to the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty.

Is your marital counselor using MB principles in her approach to your problems in marriage?


Married 1980
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Don't move out. That's a good way to become a visitor to your children.

If she wants to move out, don't allow her to take the children.

Other good advice has already been provided. Use it.

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I have plenty of evidence on the 2 that I know of and would do what you suggest...but my wife's affairs have been with divorced men (wonder why they are divorced). I guess she doesn't want to be a home-wrecker herself.

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I've discussed the whole abandonment with my lawyer, and it is a non-issue (at least in my state) as far as being used against me in a divorce. As for the kids...I'll still see them everyday and work out of the house and have dinner here. I just don't want to be here with her at night. Additionally even if she moved out...she can still take the kids as long as we are married. I've also discussed this with my lawyer (as well as some police friends). I could do the same thing if the kids were willing to leave with me. Until both parties are divorced and custody agreements in place...it doesn't matter.

As for the question...that I don't know yet...which is another reason to move out so I can put some distance between us and think long and hard about it.

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If you move out of your home, it will simply show your wife how little you care. Dr. Harley does not recommend that men move out of their homes if they want to recover their marriage. He says men have the stamina necessary to meet their spouse's emotional needs without much reciprocation for a long while without hurting their health.

Are your wife's affairs over? If so, when did they end?


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To the rest of the posts...yes I've read through the information on this site that you are referring to and wish I had seen it after affair #1. Reason for posting was I didn't see anything on dealing with multiple affairs...although maybe the same...BUT I'm hurting inside even more now.

Has she stopped the affair? Well she says she has like anyone would say. Again...my trust bucket is empty at the moment so I don't know what to believe.

Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my time. I know one thing...if I divorce...there will be no 2nd marriage. I see this all too often. No offense to the women on this site...but the women of today seem to want everything without giving themselves. I've done a great deal for my wife and family that goes unnoticed and I've also been lonely in my marriage and have had plenty of chances to have an affair myself...but chose not to.

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HH,

Does not matter that they are divorced, make sure the entire world knows what they did, your WW needs to be taught that there are consequences not just for WW but for her affair partners as well.

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by Hurting_Husband
To the rest of the posts...yes I've read through the information on this site that you are referring to and wish I had seen it after affair #1. Reason for posting was I didn't see anything on dealing with multiple affairs...although maybe the same...BUT I'm hurting inside even more now.

Has she stopped the affair? Well she says she has like anyone would say. Again...my trust bucket is empty at the moment so I don't know what to believe.

Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my time. I know one thing...if I divorce...there will be no 2nd marriage. I see this all too often. No offense to the women on this site...but the women of today seem to want everything without giving themselves. I've done a great deal for my wife and family that goes unnoticed and I've also been lonely in my marriage and have had plenty of chances to have an affair myself...but chose not to.

Blind trust is what led to this mess and is never advocated by MB. Living a transparent integrated life with our spouses will make an affair just about impossible. We should ALL be living with Extraordinary Precautions. Is your wife willing to institute EPs in her life?

EPs - no friendships of the opposite sex. A transparent and integrated life; no nights spent apart.

The reason your wife had an affair (s) is because she allowed someone else to meet her needs. When we marry, we must close the love bank to all others.

You really can't go wrong giving marital recovery a couple of years. But you will need to fully follow all the steps.

And it's not just the "women of today" who are selfish. Only about 20% of all marriages are actually happy. People today want a lot without having to give back. Marriages of modern times are becoming more and more fragile.

When did her last affair end? Where did she meet these OMs? At the workplace?

Every condition that led to her affairs needs to be eliminated. Have you and she done this?


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Originally Posted by Hurting_Husband
I've discussed the whole abandonment with my lawyer, and it is a non-issue (at least in my state) as far as being used against me in a divorce.

Abandonment doesn't come into play in no fault states for the DIVORCE but does come into play when child custody is considered. If you want custody of your kids, DO NOT MOVE OUT.


BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
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PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
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This is pretty far gone, I will admit it, but you have a slight chance at saving this if a) you expose her affair and b) you don't move out. Moving out will make it much harder for you to recover your marriage and it WILL give your wife a distinct legal advantage. You will also make it easy for her to bring men into your home. Are you ok with another man taking your place in the home?

It is sad that your marriage never recovered from the 1st affair. But you do have a chance if you will be pro-active.

How old are your kids?

How do you know her OM is divorced?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Justlooking24
Originally Posted by Hurting_Husband
I've discussed the whole abandonment with my lawyer, and it is a non-issue (at least in my state) as far as being used against me in a divorce.

Abandonment doesn't come into play in no fault states for the DIVORCE but does come into play when child custody is considered. If you want custody of your kids, DO NOT MOVE OUT.
m

It very much is taken into account. If anyone leaves, it should be the wayward spouse. You don't want to leave your children like that. You are all they have!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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K...all good feedback and questions...keep them coming.

Here are some answers:
I know they are both divorced because I know who they are and everything about them...including this detail.

Affair#1 was from her high school yrs and it started after seeing him at a high school reunion 3yrs ago.
Affair#2 was a coworker from last yr. She supposedly no longer works in the same office as him.

As far as the moving out...nothing official will be on the books to use against me...I'm in my house every day...leave at night once kids in bed...back in the morning before they wake up. Living with my brother so no rental agreements. It would be my word against hers as far as that is concerned.

As far her having another man in my house...she would never...my kids are there.

My kids are 14(girl) & 11(boy).

You know it was blind trust because well...I trusted her not to do that. Stupid me. And I understand. No friends of the opposite sex I agree and this is how it always happens. I've said that from the beginning...yet she thinks there is no problem with it. Oh but she doesn't want me to have female friends...heaven forbid. She must think I'm like her.

You know this is all sounding like this is a big waste of my time and I should divorce since she will NEVER meet all the criteria to be affair proof. I have no problem with it...but she will eventually even if she tried and would grow to resent me for it.

My heart is telling me over and over again just move on and go. She keeps pulling me back and stupid me I keep coming back for more. This last time I was fully ready to pull the trigger...about a month ago...and she started crying...and I let my guard down. I'm really starting to think that I am co-dependent.

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I am confused why you think she wouldn't have a man in the house? What is there to stop her? The 14 year old girl? Would she stop her?

Do the kids know about her affairs? If not, they should be told everything.

You have every right to leave this marriage, and if I were in your shoes, I would make that choice. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean you don't have a small chance at saving this.

If you do want to save it, you should not move out. I am not sure why you want to move out, though. Why is that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I am confused why you think she wouldn't have a man in the house? What is there to stop her? The 14 year old girl? Would she stop her?

Do the kids know about her affairs? If not, they should be told everything.

You have every right to leave this marriage, and if I were in your shoes, I would make that choice. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean you don't have a small chance at saving this.

If you do want to save it, you should not move out. I am not sure why you want to move out, though. Why is that?

This is the first bit of advice I got coming on this forum and it has changed my life for the better. If you want to save your marriage stay in your marital home and sleep in your marital bed. If you want a divorce move out. Please take this awesome advice to heart.

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Originally Posted by Hurting_Husband
I trusted her not to do that. Stupid me. And I understand. No friends of the opposite sex I agree and this is how it always happens. I've said that from the beginning...yet she thinks there is no problem with it. Oh but she doesn't want me to have female friends...heaven forbid. She must think I'm like her.

There aren't alot of serial cheater success stories on the forums here. I'm on month three of my hopefull recovery. I will say that the only way I was going to recover after affair number two would be if my W drove the recovery bus.

If your WW won't even agree to not having OS friends, that's a terrible start. However, if you take the steps outlined above she MAY come around. The hardest part for me was stopping the lovebusting, but once I did, my W was in the driver's seat.

I exposed the h377 out of the A's so everyone know my W is a repeat offender. They all thought I had other motives for staying too. I guess staying for the kids was motive enough for me. That, and I didn't want to loose half my assets that I built from the ground up (including my military pension). I'm glad I stayed because it's great to be in love again, but I would be lying if I said that's why I stayed.

EDIT: Please listen to the radio show today. Dr. Harly will be talking to a former serial cheating WW about her recovery and plans to make sure it doesn't happen again. It may provide you with some insight.

Last edited by MindMonkey; 10/22/13 10:32 AM.

Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
Married: Valentine's Day 1998
DD-15/ DS-10
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Hey MindMonkey...good read

Yeah...I wouldn't expect the success rate for marriages with serial cheaters to be very high...lol.

What do you mean by "The hardest part for me was stopping the lovebusting" ?

Yes...same situation as well...I've pretty much been staying for the kids primarily...with my finances (which I also built from the ground up) being a not so distance 2nd. Although it must be the kids only...since I would have left this time around if no kids and take the finance blow and start over.

A tough one for me is why should I let her have the fun and I get the pain and still work on the marriage.

Here's some other things that kill me:
1. She wants me to forgive and be sociable towards her "divorced" female friends that have helped her in her affairs...she's even been so bold to have introduced them to her friends. And she wants me to apologize to her friend that I went through her phone at my house (because she was too drunk to drive home that night...really great huh...and only reason I even knew her phone was there was because her 14 yo daughter was calling to see where she was) which is how I confirmed Affair#2. I told her no f@$$ing way. I'm no pushover this time.

2. Wants me to drive this bus...telling me that the way I acted the last 3yrs towards her drove her to affair#2...yeah...because I was P'sd...duh.

Another question regarding this "I exposed the h377 out of the A's so everyone know my W is a repeat offender."
Exposed how and to who?

Your bro from another mo!

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No one could technically stop her...but I know she is not that bold. She wouldn't do that to the kids. And no the kids don't know and don't need to know at this young age. They'll find out some day on their own when they are adults...it's inevitable. It just happens. Additionally she knows I would divorce her in a heartbeat if she did that plus more.

Reason for moving out is two fold:
1. So I don't have to see her that often and can hopefully find some peace and be able to think about what I really want to do here without her being there in my face and of course...me getting angry. Don't forget this is #2...and I remember what happened after #1. Call it experience.

2. So she knows I'm serious this time and I'm not screwing around. The fact of moving out and that I have and have seen a lawyer this time around has her knowing I'm dead serious...either straighten up or I'm outta here.

And like I said...I really just do not know whether I am willing to save it or not yet. I keep thinking that she will never change and I am just wasting my time like I said. Also like I said...if my kids were out of the house...I would divorce her in a heartbeat.

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