yes I will fashion a letter, thank u 4 some direction/guidance I'm new 2 the board & looking 4 help.I guess I'm just having a hissy fit, thank u 4 u r response.

your absolutely right with the rest of u r letter there was so much I learned from mb since we started I honestly was so stupid we both agree we both were stupid we were affairs looking 4 place 2 happen. as far as why I did it honestly I never intended 2 hurt anyone with my behavior I honestly still don't want 2 hurt anyone. Especially my wife, I had no idea affairs could be so devastating.back 2 that question I tried soul searching & I don't have a valid reason other than a habit/didn't want 2 keep hurting people. I just want 2 get on with building a new relationship with my wife & stop wallowing in the past that cant be changed & put all that negative energy 2 positive new relationship.

I don't know how 2 respectfully respond I came here 4 help I don't feel that I have any support I think I If I posted on Craigs list I would have gotten some support or stood outside the grocery store with a bill board that said Im a cheating spouse someone would come up 2 me & offered something of compassion instead I'm disappointed in this sight my wife & I valued so much so I guess again I'm on my own I don't see how 30 min on a computer qualifies any one 2 tell my life storey

yes I agree I can only use one hand lost some fingers on the other take me time 2 type anything I can use 2 save time sorry.

yes I will fashion a letter,

Good. Please post your letter here for feedback.

your absolutely right with the rest of u r letter there was so much I learned from mb since we started I honestly was so stupid we both agree we both were stupid we were affairs looking 4 place 2 happen. as far as why I did it honestly I never intended 2 hurt anyone with my behavior I honestly still don't want 2 hurt anyone. Especially my wife, I had no idea affairs could be so devastating.back 2 that question I tried soul searching & I don't have a valid reason other than a habit/didn't want 2 keep hurting people. I just want 2 get on with building a new relationship with my wife & stop wallowing in the past that cant be changed & put all that negative energy 2 positive new relationship.

DM, I would suggest sending the email to the same people your wife informed and doing it today so she can be assured you do not warn skanky again. I would word it something like this:

Dear Family member of Skanky,

You received a letter on October 25th from my wife, Blindsided2013. I am sorry to admit that her email was true. I have been having an affair with Skanky for 12 years and have been in contact with her as recently as this week. I called her to warn her that my wife discovered our affair and would be exposing it to her family.

I want to publicly apologize to my wife for this cruel indulgence and promise to never have any future contact with Skanky. I love my wife and will do everything to make it up to her.

Thank you, WilyGuy

Want 2 thank every one 4 helping me last nite,Yes this is very difficult. I felt ganged up on last nite & ATTACKED.I expressed this 2 my wife this morning & that I was a little angry with the support/responses I received, she suggested we re read the responses 2 see why I felt attacked.

She was rite I wasn't attacked in a bad way,the responses were in a positive way & I agree my responses sound like a wayward spouse ignoring the issues @ hand, this lead us 2 a radical honesty discussion & I did confess everything that I possibly could yes I was gas lighting yes I wasn't totally honest so now I went over the affair leaving nothing out & answered any & all questions my wife could think of.And it really does felt so much better being radically honest.

I admitted to my wife that my physical affair had not stopped & was active till d-day (including d-day) & that it wasn't just emotional at the end as I previously described. Yes her children did know that I was married, I imagine she probably made some excuses to her children about being exposed.I have not read all of the posts yet my wife made us lunch I will be back later.

Thanks to all 4 caring.

very well said,
thank u.
DM

It's interesting that you put ATTACKED in capital letters and focused on that in the first sentence in your post. I sense that you still really want to lay into us for "attacking" you despite claiming to see that we did no such thing - we called you on your bull crap - otherwise why mention it at all?

Is this all about you, or about your wife?

If you feel attacked by some posts on a forum, imagine how your wife feels about your 12-year affair.

DM, I'll save you from typing for a bit. (I know it's hard, I have a tendonitis issue in my throwing arm, and when it flares up, typing's a [censored], and I can't imagine doing it with a couple of short or missing digits on my hand.)

Take some time to read what I'm about to tell you. Read it two or three times if you need to. (By the way, I'm not yellin' at ya here. Think of it as me whispering to you, over a cup of coffee, or even a shot of bourbon if necessary. )

Listen up:

In your half-answer there yesterday, you circled around closer to the core truth, but you didn't quite get right to the center of it. Let me break it down for you a little more, to see if it helps clarify things for you:

You said you didn't want to keep hurting people.

Let's be honest, with no purpose of evasion, OK? By saying you didn't want to keep hurting "other people," you meant that you didn't want to stir up pain for the other woman.

Unless & until you can admit this to yourself & to your wife, then things'll never get fixed. You'll never get fixed. I repeat what I told you yesterday: NOTHING on earth scares your wife more than the realization that you still care for the other woman.

By this, I mean "care" in terms of being concerned about her feelings, and "care" in terms of taking actions to demonstrate that concern. You like caring for the other woman. You want her to notice that you still care for her. You want to be held in her esteem, because of what that esteem does for your ego.

And that needs to stop if you are to have any prayer of being the husband you once promised to be & reawakening in your wife any desire to be for you the wife she once promised to be.

That's why people aren't letting you off the hook by accepting that you were "dumb." No, it was worse than that. You were worse than dumb. You were what all unfaithful spouses are -- exactly what I was: You were selfish. We wanted that ego shot. We were willing to completely disconsider our spouses' feelings in order to get it. Not dumb (because, after all, you knew exactly what you were doing & why), but selfish (because you went & did it anyway).

Now, on this site, I sometimes refer to my affair "the stupidest thing I ever did." But when I say that, it's shorthand. To be precise, it was the most inconsiderate, self-centered, selfish thing I ever did.

The way you quit caring for the other woman is, you stop being in touch with her. You stop thinking about her. If you find yourself thinking about her & how nice she was to you, you need to flip that around and remember, every time, that the other woman was perfectly willing to coldcock your wife from a blind alley, cut up her face, steal her purse & leave her bleeding on the pavement in order to get what she wanted from you. Simply put, your other woman was a thug in how she treated your wife. A 100%, total thug, equivalent to any ruthless gangster whom you might find in solitary confinement serving two life sentences. That's the mental image you need to see each & every time you think of the other woman. And it shouldn't be very hard for you to conjure that image up, because it's not making the other woman out to be worse than she was; rather, it's simply being willing to see the other side of the other woman's reality that you have been willfully choosing to ignore whenever you've chosen to view her only in a positive light. It's like that chick on the old anti-smoking commercials who had a nice voice & nice hair & who looked really hot from behind -- and then she turned around & you could see that her face was half-eaten-away by smoking-related cancer. Morally-speaking, your other woman is every bit as disfigured as that. (So were you, morally-speaking; but you can still fix yourself, or choose not to fix yourself...)

Fixing yourself & fixing your marriage is a big job. A huge job. It can be done, but not if you waste time on distractions. So how & why would you ever want to waste another moment of your scarce time caring for that morally bankrupt other woman? It isn't any of your damned business to care for her, and it never was your business. Your business now is to care for your wife. If that means more exposure, and if that exposure leads to aggravation for the other woman, that's her tough crap -- it's the consequences of her own choices. It's none of your business, and never was.

That's all for you to ponder, DM, for your benefit. Please take it in that spirit.
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