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We are not wrong, if you want to bring him back to reality you must expose the affair. Bringing the affair into the light of day will stop the affair dead in its tracks. I felt as scared as you about my WW being mad when I exposed, but found the anger was short lived and have seen an amazing change in her since the exposure.

Do not delay any longer expose.

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Do you have children?

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Originally Posted by BeingMyBestSelf
Originally Posted by Loyal2afault
Originally Posted by BeingMyBestSelf
I have been told I will only break his trust if I contact the woman, who doesn't know he is married
This is emotional blackmail. He is doing this so you don't ruin his little love nest and so he can be a cake eater. He is manipulating you because he knows you are scared and are afraid of losing him. He has you exactly where he wants you.

Why are you more concerned about not making him mad than fighting for your M?

I'm scared you all are wrong, at least for my situation. This can't be undone. frown



If it can not be undone then you exposing will not make anything worse.

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Quote
but I'm scared
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I'm scared I'll make it worse
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I'm scared.
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I'm terrified she won't care
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I'm scared you all are wrong
BMBS, do you see a theme here? We understand your fear. What we're asking you to do is to dig down deep and find the resources within yourself to stand up straight, steel your spine and EXPOSE this. The people who are telling you this aren't people who have heard about exposure as a theory. We don't just think exposure could be a good potential idea. We KNOW it is your best weapon to blow up your WH's affair.

And he knows it, too. That's why he's manipulated and threatened you into keeping your mouth shut and allowing him to crap on you by flaunting his affair.

BMBS, I am one example of how quickly exposure can work. My H's affair ended THE DAY IT WAS EXPOSED. Later on he said he was grateful that it had been exposed, because he didn't know how to end it. How about that - a wayward who is grateful for exposure. Your WH is an addict right now and cannot break his addiction. He needs your help. You're going to have to get to work if you want to pull this marriage out of the ditch. Exposure is step number one.

Your WH is living a wayward's dream. He still has all the comforts of home and family while he wallows in the sewer with OW at his leisure.

Think about this hard, BMBS. Think about how horribly he is treating you and your DD with his brazen behavior. How DARE he do this to you and your family! How DARE he blackmail and manipulate you into enabling his affair! Is this really how you want to live?? Do you think he's going to wake up one day and decide to do the right thing and end the affair on his own??

I used to work with a woman who allowed her WH to cake-eat, much as you are doing. His affair had been going on for DECADES. Picture it: spending Christmas morning with his wife and kids, then going to OW's for the rest of the day. puke Picture that on EVERY holiday. Picture splitting weekends between the two. Sitting quietly by while WH talks on the phone to OW every night before bed, telling her he loves her before hanging up and getting into bed with you. Is this really the life you want? Is this the life you want for your daughter??

I'm not sure I read this: how did he meet OW? Do they work together? Have you read the Exposure 101 thread in MelodyLane's posts?



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Originally Posted by BeingMyBestSelf
I want to call her and send her a Facebook message. She doesn't know he's married. I'm terrified she won't care. What do I do if she stays with him anyway? What is a good template for her message? I will send a message to her sister as well. On WH's end, I'm going to contact his close friend, who is also a coworker. I have already talked to his mom, and it didn't help. I can send a message to another coworker, but I'd rather it be more generic. WH was drunk tonight, and said they hadn't been physical, but he thinks about her constantly. I don't want to embarrass him unnecessarily. If there is a way to say they have been getting too close, so please remember he's married, to that coworker, that would be enough. My aunt wants to talk to him, but when his brother found out, he practically encouraged it. I just don't know what I'm going to do if she stays with him anyway.

Don't even bother doing any of this because it will backfire on you.. First off, doing a "trickle" exposure will not be enough to kill the affair. It will be just enough to piss them off and come after you harder.

Expose the affair to his mother, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles. If a workplace affair, then expose it to the director of HR.

Expose the affair to the OW's parents and facebook friends. Dont' do a trickle exposure. That is tantamount to bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. It is a timid approach that will result in you getting your [censored] shot off.

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If there is a way to say they have been getting too close, so please remember he's married, to that coworker, that would be enough.
]

Here is the way: "my husband is having a sexual affair with SallySkank." Don't pussyfoot around. Use the templates on my exposure thread.

Did you even read my exposure thread?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by BeingMyBestSelf
I'm scared you all are wrong, at least for my situation. This can't be undone. frown

Your own methods have not worked in your situation, though. So far you have been wrong. Many of us here are in recovered marriages because of these tactics, keep this in mind.

But don't bother if you are going to do this halfway. If you are going to do a trickle, trickle exposure and just expose to a couple of people and say silly things like "my husband is married and he is getting too close to Sallyskank" then it will all blow up in your face. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO BENEFIT.

Exposure will blow up the affair and make your husband FURIOUS. So if you are going make him furious it had better worthwhile. He will be furious and will threaten to divorce you. you have to be prepared for this.

But don't bother if you aren't going to do it right. You can't afford to be timid when it comes to saving your marriage. And all I see here is a very timid approach.

You can bring a pea shooter or you can bring an uzi. Only an uzi will save your marriage so take your pick!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I did read it. He just still holds it against me that I told everyone last time.

I will send a message to everyone I find on her Facebook, but she has it set to private, so there aren't many.

I want to do it tonight.

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Originally Posted by BeingMyBestSelf
I did read it. He just still holds it against me that I told everyone last time.

He will hold it against you if you interfere with his affair. But isn't that a good reason? You won't have a marriage if you don't, though.

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I will send a message to everyone I find on her Facebook, but she has it set to private, so there aren't many.

I want to do it tonight.

And who else is on your exposure list? What about their employer? Is this a workplace affair? What about your husband's family and friends?

I dearly hope you are not going to do a check the box exercise and will be thorough in your exposure, because you will regret doing a trickle exposure.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by BeingMyBestSelf
I did read it. He just still holds it against me that I told everyone last time.

I will send a message to everyone I find on her Facebook, but she has it set to private, so there aren't many.

I want to do it tonight.
Well, sure. He's ticked that you exposed his secret life. Waywards hate that. He'll just need to get over that if he wants to live UP to your marital requirements. And you need to make sure he understands that - be very clear that you WILL expose his nasty secret life to everyone who can help save your marriage.


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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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BBS, can you please post your exposure letter? I am concerned that you are going to gloss over the affair, which is a serious strategic mistake. My concern for you is that you will cut corners here and suffer the consequences. You really can't afford to do that, so please let us help you do this in a thorough, strategic way so you get the best result, ok?

Also, it is very important that when you expose on facebook that you a) do it on a PC and b) pay $1 to get the message placed into the in box. Otherwise it goes to the spam box and they never see it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm on a tablet, does that matter? If I send a friend request, will it go to the right box?

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Originally Posted by BeingMyBestSelf
I'm on a tablet, does that matter? If I send a friend request, will it go to the right box?

Yes, it does matter because it won't give you the option of sending a private message to the inbox on a tablet. Do you have a PC?

I would not send any friend requests though. I am presuming you have read my exposure thread to find out how to do this?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since August, according to the evidence.�I have phone records, admittance of time spent with OW by Joe, and bank records from when they have gone out. .I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to discontinue all contact with him, for the sake of my marriage and my daughters well being .Thank you, BW

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Yes, I've read the thread multiple times. Why is it a bad idea to send friend requests, if I can later unfriend them?

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Originally Posted by BeingMyBestSelf
Yes, I've read the thread multiple times. Why is it a bad idea to send friend requests, if I can later unfriend them?

Is there a reason why you want to friend them rather than just send them a private message? Do you mean you want to friend them in addition to sending them your exposure letter?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So I don't have to pay. I don't have a credit card on my account.

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Originally Posted by BeingMyBestSelf
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. They have been having this affair since August, according to the evidence.�I have phone records, admittance of time spent the affair with SallyOW by Joe, and bank records from when they have gone out. .I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to discontinue all contact with him, for the sake of my marriage and my daughters well being .Thank you, BW

That is great! I would add something about your daughter and her age earlier in the email, though.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes, send the friend request so they see the letter.

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Originally Posted by BeingMyBestSelf
So I don't have to pay. I don't have a credit card on my account.

Can you go to Walmart and buy a pre-paid Visa and use that? See, otherwise your entire exposure will be dependent upon someone accepting a friend request from a perfect stranger.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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She doesn't know he's married, so I don't want to throw her under the bus unnecessarily. Can I add something about she may not realize he's married?

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