What was the date of your call?

Sept 20.

Is this your call?
Radio clip of 9-20-12 Show
Segment #2
Segment #3

Yes that's it. Thanks for posting it.

Can you use house building time as UA time?
Work together on it?
You can use it to give him lots of Admiration.

Also for the game time... at this point perhaps don't say you don't want him to quit the game, but of his free time of Z hours a week, Y hours are devoting to gaming and you would like to spend X hours of that with him doing something together.

I have avoided posting because I knew UA time had to be next step and I wanted things to be a certain way (financially) before we began. I felt like I could handle not being in love until we were able to make UA time work financially. Figured I could do enough to meet husbands emotional needs to keep him happy but it didn't work out (duh) He is again in withdrawal. Something I knew was coming. Foolish of me to not start planning UA time when I knew. So now I don't care if we go into debt for babysitting. We both need to be in love again.

I am in the process of convincing him to give us 2 months of 15/hr week UA time. He is sad and wants to give up. I told him we could have a passionate love relationship if we spend more time together away from kids. I guess if he chooses us I will use this site to blog the UA and keep me accountable. If he doesn't I guess I will need direction for what to do next.

I appreciate any time you take to read this and any responses you might have.

Hi Mae! Glad to see you back... What has happened to cause him to go into withdrawal? Can you be more specific about what you mean by withdrawal? In your previous posts I got the sense that he would give you the cold shoulder and sulk sometimes. Is this what you mean by withdrawal?

Yes he was stressed about finances yesterday morning ( finally took a look at "the books") and was mean to me by text. I told him he can't abuse me emotionally and make me his punching bag. I hadn't felt that flattened by him since his angry vacation outburst 5 years ago. He was upset I called it emotional abuse. Called it "low" of me. Then didn't want to talk last night and sent this today " I've always called you sweet names, touched you and complimented you. You don't reciprocate and Yesterday you called me abusive. I am struggling now. I dont have it in me. I don't want to talk about feelings with you any more because I thought I was doing good. Sure I swear a lot and I called you bitchy but never thought that was abuse. I'm sorry. "

Anyway looks like I convinced him. He is home now and is willing to do UA time for an experiment of two months. He doesnt seem in withdrawal anymore (not giving me silent treatment and is engaging)I am looking at getting a babysitter Monday for 5 hrs.

Thanks for your response!

Mae, another very important first step is for him to get help for his anger problem. He has a serious anger problem and that must be addressed first. Dr Harley mentioned his anger and his pattern of abuse in your call. Did your H listen to that?

Has your husband read the first 5 chapters of Lovebusters, which addresses anger?

And you did so good by telling him he was abusive! It should be pointed out every time and if he doesn't stop it, I would pack his bags. Prisca did this to Markos and guess what? It solved his anger problem when he was forced to cool his jets in a Motel 6!

Wow that is about the most un-apologetic apology I have heard in a long time, and I ought to know, having given plenty of them. Sure he is frustrated because his efforts didn't seem to make much difference, but his account was apparently very deep in the red. He doesn't have a concept of how bad this hurts you. Have you been able to explain to him that if it feels abusive to you, then it IS abuse?

Thanks melody lane. I have read about Prisca but I don't know if I am just sensitive to it because of growing up with a (wonderful) dad who had a temper. I am also very sensitive by nature. Yesterday was the only time I have felt abused by him since 5 (4?) years ago. Does it make a difference if I post what he said or is it only how I felt about it that matters. It was way less hurtful than the major blow-up he had on our vacation but the feelings I had reminded me of that time. i told him that also but not sure if I am supposed to do that ( bring up old hurts). I am still hurt about that last time. It should have been a reckoning but I didn't make him go to anger

His anger was a main reason I told him we weren't spanking our kids (told him before they were born) His relationship with our son has improved a lot since I told him son didn't want to be with him due to his yelling at them ( son reminds me of myself as kid- my oldest could care less about his anger!) He has improved a ton with them but I still worry when he gets really angry. Never done anything awful to them but he is a big man and looks like an angry bull when he gets mad. Normally does not lay hands on them but occasionally (1x/yr) while "redirecting" them to room etc they have fallen from him pushing their bodies in the right direction. I have called him on it every time and tell kids that its not ok. He also has occasionally mocked them when he is angry and I call him on that too immediately.

If you feel I need to ask that he take anger mgmt I will. Just wondering if it would be better requested after he is more in love with me again. When he is more inclined to be thoughtful. I looked up anger-busters once for this area and not sure it's offered here.

Sorry for the book. I know I'm sensitive and my husband is much better than dad was. Hard to know which way is up,

Thanks again for taking the time to respond to me. So appreciated.

Mae, Dr Harley would tell him to resolve his anger problem FIRST because trying to resolve problems with an angry person is impossible. And can be dangerous! Trying to repair your marriage with a angry, disrespectful person will be an impediment to success. So he needs to get it under control FIRST.

And I don't know how "sensitive" you are or aren't, because it is irrelevant. What matters is that he stops hurting you. And lets say you are a sensitive, wilting flower who should be committed to the nut house, wouldn't that be MORE REASON to not hurt your feelings? It is extremely disrespectful for anyone to tell you that you are overly sensitive and makes solving the problem impossible. Once he says you are too sensitive, all hope of solving the problem is gone.

He doesn't like reading most books so not much chance he would read love busters.

I didn't see your response before my last one. Ok thanks- that's what I figured. So he needs to get anger mgmt. Ill look for a good one tomorrow.

Will try to edit my last post- concerned about anyone I know seeing it.

Then you can read it to him. I would start with the chapter on Angry outbursts. Have you played the radio clip for him yet?

Mae, please don't edit your post out. Other posters need to read that in order to help you. The forum is completely anonymous. Will your husband come here and post?

Oops didn't see your last post! Just wanted to take out reference to friend. I never played clip. He was not interested.

I will read him love busters if he lets me. Would be easier first step than requesting anger mgmt. right off the bat.

Does he have any interest at all in fixing your marriage? Or does he care? I get the feeling that he is not too willing to do anything. Do I have that right? In that case, I would present him with a list of what you will need to be happy. If he won't do those things, you should plan on separating and following the advice in "When to Call it Quits" here.