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#2765804 11/13/13 05:05 PM
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Hi everyone. New to posting but not reading. I have lurked for awhile and have forums this to be very useful in helping me to build a stronger marriage or so I thought.

Quick background. Married 10 years. 2nd marriage for both. H - 49. Me 47. I have 2 boys ages 22 and 15. He has 2 girls 24 and 20 and a boy 22. We have no children living with us but out living circumstances are that we live with my parents so that I can be a caregiver to them as they need the help and it was a mutual agreement between my husband and myself to do this. We have help that comes in in order to let us be off duty for every other weekend (4 days each time )and we spend all our fee time together. In fact we rarely do anything without the other person by our side besides work.

Recently things have been going downhill in our relationship as I have been not accepting certain types of behaviour from my husband, such as angry outbursts and it finally came to ahead this weekend when he left for 3 days after a particularly bad fight. He asked to come home and said he was ready to get anger management help. I agreed for him to come on that condition.

My question is I am having a hard time getting my worries and anxieties under control in order to not contribute to his angry feelings. I was having a bad day yesterday and I was trying to not cry in front of him when I got home from taking my mother out. Crying is one of his love busters and I am working on not doing it any longer but how does one behave around their husband when he is still so sensitive to everything. That anything I say could set him off into retreat mode for days and I never know what it's going to be. So I have no way of predicting what to expect.

I am not sure the question even makes sense but ask me what you need to know for it to be clear. I am afraid every minute of the day to say anything for fear he will leave again.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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Did your husband do angry outbursts, and did you have anxiety before you started living with and taking care of your parents?



Me: 46
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Daughter 9
Son 8
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Originally Posted by NeeraZycantel
Did your husband do angry outbursts, and did you have anxiety before you started living with and taking care of your parents?

His angry outbursts have been since the beginning but he didn't see them as anger because he would have a quick burst and then retreat from me for days at a time. Giving me silence or if I approached him with anything he would ask me to leave his vicinity he was still mad. He said this was just taking his space and didn't see it as hurtful or damaging

I have had anxiety my whole life but I was better able to manage it before we moved into my parents home. I am working on controlling it but it's gotten harder with all the turmoil we have been going thru.

I just don't know how to be with him right now. I want to talk about things but I know that our time together is supposed to be light and fun and enjoyable but right now that's hard to do when I'm hurting. So even if I think I am saying a perfectly innocent remark he can become upset right now so that makes it harder to know how to make the time enjoyable. He is super sensitive right. Is that normal for men when they come to the realization that their behaviour is damaging. He has apologized for disappointing me and leaving but we haven't talked about how to get things back outta the ditch yet.

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Originally Posted by princesshlg
I am not sure the question even makes sense but ask me what you need to know for it to be clear. I am afraid every minute of the day to say anything for fear he will leave again.

Hi Princess, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would make it very clear to him that he needs to leave if he can't get his anger under control now. That includes punishing you with the cold shoulder. That is another form of abuse. Make it clear to him that this has to change. Crying is not a lovebuster, by the way. If you cry, it might make you feel better if he goes out of his way to comfort you. Let him know this will lessen your anxiety.

How does he feel about living with your parents?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by princesshlg
[I just don't know how to be with him right now. I want to talk about things but I know that our time together is supposed to be light and fun and enjoyable but right now that's hard to do when I'm hurting.

I think it might be best to avoid spending time together until he gets his emotions under control. His bullying has caused you to experience enormous anxiety and that is not good for your mental health.

The way you get out of the ditch is for him to FIRST control his anger problem because resolving any other problems will be impossible until that happens.

Do you have the book, Lovebusters? I believe you can get that on kindle and I would make it a condition that he read the first 5 chapters and start practicing those principles asap.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by princesshlg
I am not sure the question even makes sense but ask me what you need to know for it to be clear. I am afraid every minute of the day to say anything for fear he will leave again.

Hi Princess, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would make it very clear to him that he needs to leave if he can't get his anger under control now. That includes punishing you with the cold shoulder. That is another form of abuse. Make it clear to him that this has to change. Crying is not a lovebuster, by the way. If you cry, it might make you feel better if he goes out of his way to comfort you. Let him know this will lessen your anxiety.

How does he feel about living with your parents?


We poja'd this decision. It was the agreement we could both be happy with. He says he is still fine with it but maybe he's not being fully honest right now. Everything is so touchy that I am afraid to talk about anything. Even the weather for fear of the consequences of him taking something wrong and setting off another silent treatment.

I have talked to him about my crying and he says he understands and has been fairly good at helping me get thru those moments as long as he isn't the cause of my tears. If I am crying because of something hurtful he has done or said then he can't seem to be able to deal with it as well. That's why I am trying to get my emotions under control. I have probably been overly tears lately.

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Originally Posted by princesshlg
Everything is so touchy that I am afraid to talk about anything. Even the weather for fear of the consequences of him taking something wrong and setting off another silent treatment.

Let him know how you feel and make it clear you will not tolerate living in fear. You have a responsibility to stop tolerating his bully behavior. You understand this, right?

Quote
That's why I am trying to get my emotions under control. I have probably been overly tears lately.

He needs to get his bullying under control or he should be asked to leave. Have you told him you won't tolerate this treatment anymore?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by princesshlg
Everything is so touchy that I am afraid to talk about anything. Even the weather for fear of the consequences of him taking something wrong and setting off another silent treatment.

Let him know how you feel and make it clear you will not tolerate living in fear. You have a responsibility to stop tolerating his bully behavior. You understand this, right?

Quote
That's why I am trying to get my emotions under control. I have probably been overly tears lately.

He needs to get his bullying under control or he should be asked to leave. Have you told him you won't tolerate this treatment anymore?

Yes I have told him this after he came to that realization that he does have that issue. But from the few comment he has made he doesn't feel like the silent treatment is an anger issue. He thinks I should just give him his space which I do but it can go on for days. Once it was a week.

He has done this all his life not only with me but even his family. He says if someone crosses him he cuts them out of his life until he is ready to deal with them. I just happen to live in the same house so I think he comes out sooner. It makes it so hard because other than this issue we have an amazing romantic relationship. He can be so kind compassionate generous loving great father and husband but when he feels he is being attacked or wronged he gets in this zone and nothing else matter. He has told me that when he is in that zone he doesn't care what happens around him. But he always seems to get how I've been feeling when he comes out of his zone. Then it seems like he forgets it all again next go round.

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Hi princess. Why doesn't your DS15 live with you?

How did you and your H meet? How long dud you date before you were married?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by princesshlg
[
Yes I have told him this after he came to that realization that he does have that issue. But from the few comment he has made he doesn't feel like the silent treatment is an anger issue. He thinks I should just give him his space which I do but it can go on for days. Once it was a week.

Maybe he could take his "space" in another home until he learns to stop doing this? He needs to be told how upsetting this is to you and has to have a plan to stop it. Punishing you with silence does not solve problems.

Can you describe a recent incident where he did this? What precipitated the silent treatment?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by princesshlg
how does one behave around their husband when he is still so sensitive to everything. That anything I say could set him off into retreat mode for days and I never know what it's going to be. So I have no way of predicting what to expect.

Your husband should not be putting you under this kind of pressure. I am glad to see you have started sticking up for yourself. Part of the problem with abusive spouses is that they have a spouse who tolerates their abuse. That typically changes when it is no longer tolerated.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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