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Hi MBers, I thought I would give a quick update on how things are going with me and Trueform.

TF has been awesome, the best since very early in our marriage. I was having such a terrible time with resentment I eventually went to a shrink, who prescribed more meds, which I resented being pushed to. But after a week or two they seemed to help quite a bit. They aren't a cure but have sorta acted like a pressure release valve.

Our relationship is moving along wonderfully, but with one twist. I am struggling with SF, not a libido problem, but my hangups with TF. I conveniently fall asleep on the couch each night to avoid that walk upstairs. Hopefully it's just another stage and will pass.

I love you guys for the help you have generously offered. I have avoided this board because it has sometimes been a kind of trigger but it has also been a great help.

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LftS;

How about starting a new bedtime ritual, which can be yours and Trueform's alone?

Maybe try something like:

After dinner/dishes/kids to bed, practice a little dance together. End it by just standing embracing, swaying a little. Then go up to bed.

Or, take a walk, holding hands, identify constellations. Then straight to bed.

Or, take turns massaging one body part each, each night.

Idea is to do something slightly physical that involves connecting with each other. But avoiding the couch.


Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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You are following a pattern that is close to what I went through. Trying to deal with the infidelity but ending up needing medication. Problems with SF due to all the triggers and the negative mental images. Avoiding the forums because they, too, triggered me. Eventually coming back here because I needed to.

I suggest RH in dealing with the SF issues. Also, I expect that the forums will trigger you a lot less as time goes on, and there is great help to be had here that you can really use. I'm two and half years out from DDay, and everything is great for us now, largely thanks to MB. The forums never trigger me now.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Thanks for the advise and encouragement, I need it. I remember when I first began reading this board and saw estimates on recovery time being 2-5 years. I thought if this is true, we're toast. I suppose the Lord is teaching me patience along with the long list of other lessons.

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Originally Posted By: LatefortheSky
...when I first began reading this board and saw estimates on recovery time being 2-5 years. I thought if this is true, we're toast.


People love to quote this all the time. It bugs me a bit, because while it may be strictly "true", it's not really useful. Dr. Harley is very specific about this:
1. You have his blessing if you seek a divorce after infidelity. **EDIT** But if you want to recover despite that option being totally justifiable...
2. ...if after two years of trying to recover your marriage is not better than it's ever been, your chances of success are very low and you should probably "hang up the cleats" (his words, not mine).

On the flip side:

3. He GUARANTEES your marriage will be better than it's ever been if you sign up for the courses (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html). If it's not, he'll give you your money back and you get to keep all the materials.


So I rarely talk about "two to five years" when my wife and I talk to other couples about recovery from infidelity. Just the two years to evaluating whether your marriage is better than it's ever been, or not.

Last edited by MBSync; 11/14/13 12:05 PM. Reason: Factual error

Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
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Originally Posted By: Doormat_No_More
Originally Posted By: LatefortheSky
...when I first began reading this board and saw estimates on recovery time being 2-5 years. I thought if this is true, we're toast.


People love to quote this all the time. It bugs me a bit, because while it may be strictly "true", it's not really useful. Dr. Harley is very specific about this:
1. You have his blessing if you seek a divorce after infidelity. **EDIT** But if you want to recover despite that option being totally justifiable...
2. ...if after two years of trying to recover your marriage is not better than it's ever been, your chances of success are very low and you should probably "hang up the cleats" (his words, not mine).

On the flip side:

3. He GUARANTEES your marriage will be better than it's ever been if you sign up for the courses (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html). If it's not, he'll give you your money back and you get to keep all the materials.


So I rarely talk about "two to five years" when my wife and I talk to other couples about recovery from infidelity. Just the two years to evaluating whether your marriage is better than it's ever been, or not.


I read this thread a few months ago and this post made me think of it : Recovery takes two years?


Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur

DS(11)
DD(7)

Married: June 24, 2000

Recovered
#2765986 11/14/13 03:00 PM
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Wow, that thread is ancient and predates the Great Forum Purge of '09... (an accident involving very old backups, if I recall correctly). Nice to see it recorded, though. Also doubly interesting to see people resurrecting the thread now that you've linked it smile



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I don't want to be negative, but screw Valentines day mad

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Originally Posted By: LatefortheSky
I don't want to be negative, but screw Valentines day mad


Uh-oh. What's going on?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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How to Plan B Correctly
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Originally Posted By: LatefortheSky
I don't want to be negative, but screw Valentines day mad


Agreed! I hate this "holiday"

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Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Originally Posted By: LatefortheSky
I don't want to be negative, but screw Valentines day mad


Uh-oh. What's going on?

Yes, what's going on?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Originally Posted By: LatefortheSky
I don't want to be negative, but screw Valentines day mad


Uh-oh. What's going on?

Yes, what's going on?

Hi gang, things are actually looking up. Just so damn slow. My FWW ruined every nice or special day with such ease. The worse ones for me are our anniversary and Valentines day. The day should be nice, not spent being vigilant to not LB.

Other than that we seem to be headed in the right direction and everyone here has helped. Thank you.

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Originally Posted By: LatefortheSky
The day should be nice, not spent being vigilant to not LB.


Hmmm. Being vigilant to not LoveBust is what CREATES a nice day.

It feels stressful to be so vigilant at first, but if you keep it up, by NEXT Valentine's Day, you will not only have a nice day, but being LoveBuster free will seem natural, and then you can focus on all of the romantic stuff. One day at a time...


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My wife posted on her thread that if POSOM showed any commitment she was going to ambush me and marry him. I don't want to be married to a woman who is here because another man doesn't want her. The whole thing makes me sick.

She gave him what was mine and he didn't even ask for it. Me on the other hand, she makes beg and all I get is I'm trying. I need her to put back some of what she stole and gave to that SOB. She doesn't seem to want to understand that i'm not playing second string and she needs to help me.

Thanks for any help.

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LFTS,

Where did WW post this, does WW know you are keeping tabs on her?

Is WW still in contact with OM?

If I recall correctly your WW only had an EA or was it a PA too?

My W once told me I was so lucky OM2 dumped her for another woman. Knowing you weren't the first round draft choice really hurts.

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted By: Gamma
LFTS,

Where did WW post this, does WW know you are keeping tabs on her?

Is WW still in contact with OM?

If I recall correctly your WW only had an EA or was it a PA too?

My W once told me I was so lucky OM2 dumped her for another woman. Knowing you weren't the first round draft choice really hurts.

God Bless
Gamma

She posted it on her thread on the SA board last year. Yes she knows I read it.

I don't believe there is any contact.

She took a poly so I am 99% no PA.

I couldn't be happy with a woman like that.

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It's concerning that you say she gave him what was yours. I understand that she's married to you and the expectation is that she is exclusive to you, but how you say it sounds like you feel entitled. For her to say she's working on it makes it appear that the burden for her arousal is on her. It seems to me that you're not following the program, but rather demanding that she be in love with you and behave as such. It won't work that way.


xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
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Originally Posted By: LatefortheSky
My wife posted on her thread that if POSOM showed any commitment she was going to ambush me and marry him. I don't want to be married to a woman who is here because another man doesn't want her. The whole thing makes me sick.

She gave him what was mine and he didn't even ask for it. Me on the other hand, she makes beg and all I get is I'm trying. I need her to put back some of what she stole and gave to that SOB. She doesn't seem to want to understand that i'm not playing second string and she needs to help me.

Thanks for any help.


Late, from the last posts you made here, it's apparent that you aren't making a lot of progress in learning how to not love bust. Without following the program for recovery, I'm not really sure how much hope you can have. Last time you were here you were looking for justification in taking time off from protecting your wife. Now you are here dwelling on a mistake from a year ago, which is not going to do anything.

Your wife will likely not do her part to make you happy until you do your part to make her happy. There is no other way. If that is not sufficient for you, I suggest that you file for divorce.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Reading the conclusions in your responses it seems obvious I must not have communicated clearly. Thank you for your responses and sorry for wasting your time.

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Originally Posted By: LatefortheSky
Reading the conclusions in your responses it seems obvious I must not have communicated clearly. Thank you for your responses and sorry for wasting your time.

In that case, try to communicate more clearly, Late. I read your post this morning and I had trouble understanding what your were trying to describe.

You're still having problems and you will find help here to deal with them - but you have to state the problems clearly if we are to understand. What is going on, or not going on, day to day?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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