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Originally Posted by JustMe385
Except he can't see her ... he does find her attractive based on her photos. Every time they text or talk he becomes even more attracted to her on a non-physical level.
The question is, is she so overweight that she will become unattractive in person? Either she's really photogenic, or she has some really good photoshopping skills, or Jedi isn't as opposed to being with an overweight person as he thinks he is.

I know for certain that I must have a healthy partner.
I am not attracted to obese women on a physical level.
Unfortunately, we shared many similar values but physical healtg is important to me.

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It may help you to look at it in terms of how Dr. Harley classifies it as deposits/withdrawals.

Her weight will be a withdrawal for you. She can fill you up with IC and affection, but may not beable to fill you up with RC. You will have to evaluate to see how she is truly draining your lovebank.

I am currently seeing someone who is short. It bothers me. Mostly because I like my platform heels. I am at his height when I wear them. I haven't decided yet how this will drain me. It drains me some, but not at the same level as the LOVEBUSTERS. I honestly believe he has the potential to fill me up with IC, RC, and affection, and his height will barely drain me so it could work.

I think it is great that you mentioned weight. Most women don't get it, and most feel it is shallow. It isn't ... it is a huge drain on a man's lovebank if he doesn't find his woman attractive. Weight is a huge part to this.

The key is she willing to do something about it? Her habits are going to tell you if she can change. Anyone has the ability to change if they want ... it is simply building better habits.

I know I will not marry a man who doesn't care for himself. I don't want to be in my 50's nursing someone already. I want to be in my 50's with an activity level of a teenager. I will not entertain a man who will not be active. By now (late 30's) their habits are going to tell me what I am dealing with.

It is okay to keep her as a friend also. Just because she doesn't do it for you romantically doesn't mean you can't be friends. Why not see if you can have that conversation with her?

If she choses to not move forward then so be it ... you learned something. If she does, then you have gained a good friend!!!


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That's why the suggestion is to date 30 people, so you get an idea of what ENs you are good at filling and how and what ENs you would like met and how.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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I went to my grandmother's house when I was a kid. She had nuts in a bowl by her chair. While I waited for her to come out of her room, I helped myself to some of her nuts. She took a long time to come out so I kept helping myself.

When she finally got into living room she greeted me with a hug. I hugged her back and said, "Hi Grandma! I hope you don't mind, but I finished all of your nuts."

She replied, "Oh, those were actually chocolate covered nuts. I had my false teeth out, and so I couldn't finish the nut part."

Well, that's dating, right? The chocolate and the nut. It's not only the inside that counts.

I've heard Dr. Harley and Joyce talk about looks, and how that is one of the most challenged principals they put out there. Joyce likes to say its not the way the person looks as much as it is how they take care of their appearances. In this case, if you are put off by obesity or heaviness, then it simply won't work for you.

Sorry Jedi. It's not fun going through this kind of thing for either of you.

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But......Jedi......you DID have fun getting back into the game!

Yay!

Keep on trying with people. Be open to love working out for you.








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I wrote her this letter:

Dear ,

I have deeply enjoyed getting to know you over the past weeks.
However I do not believe we would be compatible in a long term relationship.
I wish you the very best. Sincerely



Jedi

THIS IS A DRAFT. IF THER IS SOMETHING ELSE I SHOULD INCLUDE LET ME KNOW

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Well today we discussd physical appearance and she told me she is overweight (I can't see it in her pictures)
She said she weighs 205, and recently lost 30 pounds and is trying tl loose another 30.
I her I think she is very pretty and she would look fabulous with another 30 off.
I said that in any future marriage, physical attraction is a top emotiinal need fkr me (see text):

Physical attraction is high on my emotiinal needs list so it would be important for me that you lost the 30 amd maintained it throughout (future talk) marriage




Well, she hasn't responded and posted on facebook Live yourself and dknt change for others
Now, i don't want a mate thats obese and that's a fact.
Did I handle this respectfully and correctly?

Jedi, I think you did well. A complaint is always a love bank withdrawal, so of course she wasn't happy about it. It doesn't sound like she's going to be willing to live a philosophy of extraordinary care.

Get right back up on that bicycle and keep trying, though! i.e., keep dating and looking for relationships.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Text:

Jedi I have grown Inareasingly close to you over the past month. I did not realize you didnt look at all my pics on facebook. One of the values we share is that of sacrafice.

redflag

Oops, no, she's mistaken. You don't believe in sacrifice, at least not in a marriage relationship. I may be reading too much into this, but it sounds like she's looking for sacrifice as proof of love, i.e., change how you feel about it instead of her changing her behavior.

I wouldn't have a deep discussion with her about it; I'd just note that she's not the one for you.

Quote
I am hurt that I feel you were thinking I was something other than I am

Translation: she's offended that you find physical attractiveness important. She's posting disrespectful comments about it on Facebook. Ouch!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Quote
Originally Posted by Logans_Run
Also another thing to consider, weighing 205 would look different (male and female) if she is 5 feet tall verses 5' 8", along with other factors.

I'm 5'7" and weigh 120 lbs. 205 is a lot of poundage even at that height!
I'm 5'6", and I would be deathly thin if I were to weigh 120 lbs. Logan is right that many factors go into a person's ideal weight. A healthy weight is tied to more than just a number on a scale, especially for women.

Quote
Translation: she's offended that you find physical attractiveness important. She's posting disrespectful comments about it on Facebook. Ouch!
Next! She's not the one for you if she feels this way. I think your letter sounds good, Jedi. Meanwhile, you had a fun time and got your feet wet in the dating scene. Don't wait too long to find someone else to have fun with.


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I don't get her, Jedi ... she said she wanted to lose the weight, but you're superficial for wanting her to lose the weight?


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Originally Posted by Prisca
I don't get her, Jedi ... she said she wanted to lose the weight, but you're superficial for wanting her to lose the weight?

As I understand it, yes. She wanted to lose weight but also said shea comfortable with her weight.
When I communicated it would be an important emotional need of mine, she then postson facebook that "men are so superficial . I think ill just vomit all night long in disgust"
However she replied to me, "Thank you. I appreciate your honesty"

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Someone can appreciate honesty but still be frustrated by it.

i.e. if a wayward tells a betrayed that they are still seeing the other person. It would be honest but upsetting. YK?







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OKAY....
I'm ready to revamp/ make a new profile on the dating site Plenty of Fish.
OR....Should I use another site?
I dont want to start subscribing to all of them.

Eharmoney will probably have some specials around New Year...

What site is best?

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From a woman's point of view:

OkCupid, Match, OurTime, eHarmony, ChristianMingle, Zoosk, PoF, Date.com....all the sites I am on and paid for at one time or another. Maybe it's my region (Indiana) but all I seem to get are scammers, liars, idiots or guys looking constantly at my profile but never initiating conversation. If I send a message, no reply. I have no clue if it is different for guys. And yes, I re-vamped my profile to make it fun, light-hearted and witty.

Therefore, I can't honestly recommend any of them based on my experience.

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I met some potential guys who didn't pan out on Plenty of Fish, but a good friend met her DH of 5 years there. And my fianc� on OkCupid.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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um....Craigslist? I go to the "classifieds" and I've met lots of nice serial killers - er, dates - there.

KIDDING.

Match has the most people in my town - so the best chance of meeting someone I'd be interested in. Some of the same guys there were also on the other, smaller sites - so I felt like I could focus on Match.

But the 'down side' is that everyone's on it - even co-workers and friends. So, you're kind of "out there" for everyone to see. And your ex might be on there, but you can always block her.


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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I've paid for Match twice and also tried Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid. I tried eHarmony briefly but never paid.

My experience -

Match - Was successful, I guess. First time I used it 4 years ago I met the man I spent the next 3 years with. When I used it over the summer, I only went on a date with one guy after about 3 months. So, not a great experience considering the cost.

OK Cupid - Went on one date. Found it to be the poorest quality/selection of men. Not sure why that is. The site itself isn't that pretty either, which for me was a turn off. They also have these ridiculous questions and I don't know what formula they use for "matches" "friends" and "enemies" but it seemed way off to me.

Plenty of Fish - Went on several dates; am currently dating someone ("The One"). Found this site most user friendly, found the quality of men much better, for some reason it seems to attract more of the type of man I was looking for (in terms of age range, career/family oriented).

eHarmony - When I tried for free, I did talk to a few men but never met any in person. It seems to focus more on building a true connection based on values than any other website. It seems to target those who are serious about finding a relationship that ends in marriage rather than just flirting, having fun, dating.

I'm still an advocate of Meetup. It's not online dating but it's the best way to meet singles in a low-pressure, fun situation which is especially important when you're just getting your feet wet. My experience with Meetup was that there were about 3x more women than men at all times so it's actually better for a man for finding a potential date.

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I took my kids to the skate rink today; and encountered two women.

The first woman was about 25 or so and very attractive.
As I observed I was attracted to her, I asked myself: Why?
She has tattoes, which I dont find attractive. (Although I philosophically am not opposed to tattoes)
She had a great figure, a nice butt.
And she was the best skater in the rink.
I spoke with her briefly and she told me she is on a roller derby team and this is their off season.
So, I concluded I was attracted to her because she had a great body, and was a great skater.

The second lady I encountered was formerly a member of my church; her husband was a famiky counselor / associate pastor in the church and under very concealed reasons they left the church and he was dismissed from his job. Their divorce Is in the courts.
She is abt 45 and I said hello to her and her kids.
I found her attractive (although I certainly maintained full boundaries and would never tell her)
I asked myself; Why? She is physically attractive but older than I.

This made me question, What causes attraction?
I read of Dt Harleys experiment in college with measuring attravtiveness and all the students had different standards.
But I wonder, Why do I find a woman's buttox more appealing than their breasts?
Is the attraction a learned behavior? Or inherent?

Has Dr Harley ever spoke on this?


Okay, I signed up for okcupid. I followed an online guide for using okcupid and selected a good username, profile pics and content.

Within 10 minutes I was matched with Roller Derby Girl that I made the above post about last month!
we were matched because we both liked each others profiles.
I contacted her, she remembered speaking to me in the skate rink.
She asked me out, and we are planning for next Wednesday.
This is my first date in years.
She asked to go skating, and I suggested dinner afterwards.

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Fantastic, have fun Jedi. What a small world.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Aw. It was meant to be!

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