If her job is where she had her affair she must leave it.


Fine, I will bow out.

I agree that it will be better when you are home. That way you will be able to observe in person.

I was also not willing to risk my H losing his job�until 6 months later and I found out that we had been in a false recovery and then it became obvious to me that it was either our finances or our marriage that got blown.

I'm not saying that is your case wrstYear�I'm just pointing out that people here who are posting to you are sharing their own experience based on the very WORST thing that has ever happened to them in their lives.

Many of us minimized at the beginning until we simply couldn't rationalize any longer. People are just sharing with you in the hopes that IF that happens to be your sitch, that you can be saved a portion of the wasted time and heartache.

I can only imagine how tough this has been for you from long distance.

Thank you for that. Its very lonely, I can tell you that. Also, apologies if I was biting to Karmasrose, I mean no insult whatsoever.

I have committed to you all that I intend on exposure. I am thinking more and more everyday about that and how widespread it needs to be.

This fog has been very crippling to me. Its very much like dealing with two distinct people in one body. I have had all manner of negative thoughts throughout this ordeal. I'll put it this way, my liver has seen better days.

I feel like we are in false recovery now. I feel that she has the full confidence that I will do anything it take to save the marriage, but I no longer feel that way. A month ago, I did. But the continued lying and trickle truth has affected my will to continue. I keep reading about the fog and trying to accept that this is not the real her. However, the oblivious, hurtful comments and actions by her continue and it takes a toll.

I fully get the exposure concept, and I am admitting that I am intimidated by aspects of it. I am getting there though, day by day. Its possible that when I get all the way there, I'll be willing to shout it from the rooftops of the small town (yay, look how I couldn't keep my wife satisfied) in the hopes that it busts the fog after the fallout.

Another fear that I have is that going full nuclear with the exposure will only bring about more redneck, former high school "suitors" and give her more of the attention/validation that she apparently craves.

She can come off as confident, and cocky, but I know the real her. I don't think she likes herself very much. So, call me a sucker, but yeah I still do feel sorry for her. Its hard to watch someone you love so much make terrible life decisions.

We are both attractive people and we look great together. I am afraid that the carpet bombing approach will bring out more folks who would like to see us fail rather than succeed.

It was (or is?) not a job related affair.

Thank you, and I am sorry for biting at you. I hope you can understand.

I do want to execute the mb plan. I am still wrapping my mind around it. I never even post to forums and I have been in I/T for 12+ years. This is all very new to me.

I know you had to go through something terrible to even be here and I truly hope you are in a better place now. I wouldn't wish the feelings I have experienced this year on my worst enemy.

Exposure is the first step.
Blogging about your feelings isn't going to help. anything.
When Patton was moving his tanks, he just kept moving. You need to do the Same.

When can you expose?

You haven't been married that long. You might decide to pull the plug and just move on.

Her family isn't supporting your marriage. That has to be majorly deflating. What kind of family have you married into that they don't care if their married daughter behaves like a ho?

It's still the right thing to expose though. And you're not saying in exposure what a failure you are, rather that you need support in helping your wife break free of something immoral and wrong.

Exposure is empowering. You'll feel strong for having taken action. She will be incredibly mad and will threaten all kinds of stuff. Who cares? You either break her out of her affair and get a shot at a real marriage or you don't and you get to move on knowing you did everything you could.

Not sure why you're so concerned about her reputation when clearly, she is not.

Have you read this?
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

WorstYear:

The reason I am pushing you hard on exposure is because I resisted doing it when I first discovered my fWH's A. I had lots of good reasons why it wasn't a good idea "in our special situation", but the bottom line is that I was afraid.

I was afraid to look foolish for having a cheating husband (but when not exposing lead to five months of false recovery, how foolish did I look then?)

I was afraid that exposure might drive my then-WH further away. He had said he wanted to reconcile with me, but he really wanted me to get off his back so he could continue his A. So he already WAS just about gone.

I was afraid of his anger (which would have been ferocious, but short-lived, as I now know for sure that the Dolly would have dumped him faster than a hot potato.)

I didn't want him to lose his high-paying job. (In the end he got a very necessary transfer and now brings home less than half of his previous earnings... And we are fine.)

Your reasons may differ from mine, but the fact remains that full exposure is the best weapon you have to kill the A. And get some support for yourself (besides us anonymous posters!)

A full-on exposure remains the one thing I wish I had done differently in this whole discovery-recovery business. It was a costly choice, which enabled the A further, providing the conditions for a false recovery, from which I very nearly didn't recover.

So yeah, I am pushing you... To not make the mistake I did.

Another day, and I am even more geared up for exposure. I really appreciate the comments here.

Full on exposure does seem to make a lot of sense. I was imagining this morning what it would feel like to have exposed her actions to the light of day, whether or not we stayed together. It felt great. In one move, I could stop enabling her and welcome her to adult hood where your actions have consequences.

As far as when, all I can say is soon. I'll be home this weekend. Will probably get through Christmas day, but thinking I should expose before New Years. I can use the holiday time away from work to do some of the leg work and make sure to get face time with her family and the OM at his restaurant.

My SIL was my FWW's accomplice in her adultery. She has been totally cut from our lives. But that didn't happen overnight. Not until we started our actual R, did we come to a mutual agreement on this.

That story will take care of itself.

What do you think are your shortcomings as a husband? What would she say?

What can you do to become a better person and husband?

Do you have SAA?

I exposed. No regrets at all.

eta: We too tried the MC route. What we learned was is that they were a total waste of time...time that we did not have to lose. Once we got on board with MB's, we saw hope for really the first time.

This makes me very, very sad. My in-laws did not take a stand against their daughter's affair either. Basically, after exposure they 'supported' their daughter by 'being there for her' while paying no attention to their son-in-law's misery. I have very hurt feelings over this. I can't imagine having a son or daughter conduct this type of despicable behavior without making a stand against it.

As my dad used to say though..'we should be more surprised by justice in this world than not'

As time goes by both friends and foes will reveal themselves. It isn't always pretty. On the other hand, others will rise to the occasion which will make you love those even more.

WorstYear;

I am relieved that you are going for full exposure. Use your time between now and then to plan, and then you can do the exposure all at once. This is the most effective way.

For your plan, refer to the EXPOSURE 101 link at the bottom of MelodyLane's thread. (She posted to you earlier in your thread.)

DO NOT discuss this with your wife in advance.

You can do this...

Ditto here�my MIL was all "supportive" of me until I did a nuclear exposure. That day she called and asked me how I could do this to her lol. We haven't been spending much time with MIL these days.

And YES, the ones that you least expect seem to rise to the occasion and support both of you in ways that you never imagined!

I do not have SAA.

So immediately after I found out, there was much talk of how I was too controlling, too friendly with strangers in the bar, I was obviously never happy in the marriage, I was always let down by her, I made her feel stupid in arguments, I told her how to do things, I always try to fix things, I want to talk through issues too much, I tell her how she feels, I asked for sex sometimes, I put too much pressure on her by asking for a date night each week, I held her accountable too much for things she had already agreed to (e.g. a budget), worried too much about spending (paid off all her student loans in 2 years), etc. Even tho she said I was never mean spirited and only wanted the best for her and us, she would need me to change, but didn't think it was right to ask me to do that bc there would be plenty of women who would love me for all of the personality traits I have. I blamed myself for most of everything, save for the act of cheating itself. And further because I admitted that I had expected/suspected she would do it, I got what I asked for (she actually said this). I know now that this is all the fog talking, but boy does it hurt.

As a husband, I know that I could be more appreciative of the things she DOES do for us instead of pointing out the things that she doesn't do. I should just do those things, instead. I know now that I shouldn't tell her how to do something that she's willing to do (the grass will grow back next week in the places she scalped it.)---I guess I should point out that we have a very large yard, :-)

I need to remember that she doesn't want her problems fixed, she wants them to be heard. I need to remember to never invalidate her feelings, however crazy they may seem. I need to remember that its ok for her to be upset. Its not my job to fix it, but to be there for her.

I need to not always use my past life experience to stop her from learning on her own. I need to manage my expectations better and have fewer or minimally communicate them in advance instead of setting myself up to be let down.

I need to focus on what makes me happy more and stop trying to cater to her emotions all the time.

Its hard to put this in perspective though, bc I feel that these are the same realizations that all husbands come to in their marriage eventually when they grow with their loving, faithful partner, who is capable of communicating their ENs.

As you can see, I have no problem communicating, but she has limited coping skills and is very emotional, all the time. I just don't know what came first. I mean, if she's been carrying on this affair for the entirety of our marriage in one form or another, then perhaps she's always been in a fog. She swears she never had any of these anxieties and communication issues in previous relationships. You know, the ones in which when things got tough, she ran to this same OM for some expensive gifts.

WorstYear:

You are all over the map. I can practically SEE the tracks of your emotional roller coaster in your post.

Calm down and focus.

Get yourself a copy of SAA. (You can purchase one through this site, or through Amazon.com, including immediately downloading a Kindle or Kindle-for-iPad copy. Or check with your local public library.)

Get your exposure plan into place and post it here so veterans can help you.
Who are you going to expose to? (Relationship to you, not names)
How are you going to expose? (In person, mail, email, FaceBook, telephone?)
What are you going to say? What is your letter?

You are correct, you are not responsible for her affair. You are [/i] and she[i] are both responsible for the state of your marriage, however she alone chose the affair.

You can do this.

It isn't always easy to admit our shortcomings. We all have things that we want to improve. I applaud you for being honest with yourself. That truly is the first step in self-improvement.

What is so awesome is that god created us with the ability to choose. What that means to me is that everyday when I get out of bed, I can choose to make wise decisions or foolish ones. However in the end, each day is a new day! Very exciting for me to think I do have control. Control over me.

The day that I got it through my thick skull that I can only control me...man was I liberated. It is a freeing feeling knowing that I just need to focus on my own actions and choices everyday.

When I read Love Busters for the first time my eyes were widely opened. How could I have been so blind not to see what I had done to destroy her love for me. Have you picked up a copy yet?

That was really step 1 in my own personal recovery was really putting the spotlight on myself.

Then I then read HNHN's (after SAA of course), I then realized how poorly of a job I had done meeting her needs in life. You hit it on the head when you said "I need to manage my expectations better and have fewer or minimally communicate them in advance instead of setting myself up to be let down"

Actually right now, having zero expectations is the way to go.

SAA, LB's and HNHN's were 3 books that changed my life. They can for you too.

Now... you must take step 1 and expose. Follow SAA like the bible. It will lead you down the path of the best possible chance to save your M. Your M may indeed fail. Nothing is for certain. But MB's without a doubt will be your best chance at surviving this A.

Please get SAA today. Read it cover to cover tonight. Tomorrow I guarantee your perspective on things will be quite different.

What MB can teach you is that you are not her psychologist. You are not her therapist. She isn't yours either. Neither one of you can 'fix' the other.

eta: What SAA will teach you is that there were indeed reasons for her A. Not excuses but reasons. You have to identify those reasons and eliminate them. The reality is poor boundaries around men is why it occurred. Radical changes from both of you is the only way you will recover....I am sure there are things that she would complain about you and were Love Busters. You have to stop them today. Now.

If you purchase through Amazon, make sure you get the new edition. I ordered from Amazon last month and just realized I have the old edition. The Amazon link for the revised edition is on this thread. Book Club

20YearHistory,

I just purchased (revised) SAA and LB. Which do you recommend that I read first? I plan on reading on Kindle Cloud Reader tonight.

Thank you very much by the way for your support and kind comments. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.