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What is your end goal here?
Whatever happened before your marriage is for you to decide whether or not you are willing to accept it.
NOW WHAT?
Are you going to either - move beyond it or sit in a resentful marriage for another 20 years - or divorce?
If you choose to sit in resentment against her for something that happened decades ago, are you going to tell her why? And then allow her to decide whether to stay or divorce?
You have been on MB for six years - why not follow it? It appears this issue has become a fixation, in a very unhealthy manner, and you are doing nothing but hurting yourself and your wife.
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Gamma,
Did you, at least, ever write Dr. Harley?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Writer1,
But you married her anyway, even though she said she would never have feelings for you again and that she was in fact in love with someone else. Why?
I suppose because I loved W more than W loved me, and I thought at that time that I could love her enough to overcome everything. I thought that if I worked hard enough I could get W to love me the way she once did, if it was possible once it could happen again. W was also much better looking than I was and I thought it was just a price I had to pay to play out of my league.
you chose to marry her anyway. And then you chose to remain bitter about all of the things that happened before you were married for twenty years. That doesn't seem like the most productive way to spend your life.
I was not bitter for most of my married life, it was fear of losing my W which seemed like it could so easily happen, and which fueled my nightmares. My fear came from W being instantly attractive to many men, along with W being critical and impossible to make happy with me. If I had known MB methods I would not have lived this way.
God Bless
Gamma
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BH,
Did you, at least, ever write Dr. Harley?
I may after I get my answers.
God Bless
Gamma
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alis,
What is your end goal here?
W's confession, alternately getting OM2 or co-worker/witnesses to spill.
Are you going to either - move beyond it or sit in a resentful marriage for another 20 years - or divorce?
I'm not resentful of my W, she fell in love as I might have done given the same circumstances, OM2 is another story and biker ethics apply.
If you choose to sit in resentment against her for something that happened decades ago, are you going to tell her why? And then allow her to decide whether to stay or divorce?
Once all resources have been tried very likely.
God Bless
Gamma
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BH,
Did you, at least, ever write Dr. Harley?
I may after I get my answers.
God Bless
Gamma I have to wonder, after 20 years of asking and apparently not getting a satisfactory answer, what makes you think you're going to be able to get one now?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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BH,
Did you, at least, ever write Dr. Harley?
I may after I get my answers.
God Bless
Gamma I have to wonder, after 20 years of asking and apparently not getting a satisfactory answer, what makes you think you're going to be able to get one now? And why not ask the good doctor for advice?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Writer1,
But you married her anyway, even though she said she would never have feelings for you again and that she was in fact in love with someone else. Why?
I suppose because I loved W more than W loved me, and I thought at that time that I could love her enough to overcome everything. I thought that if I worked hard enough I could get W to love me the way she once did, if it was possible once it could happen again. W was also much better looking than I was and I thought it was just a price I had to pay to play out of my league.
you chose to marry her anyway. And then you chose to remain bitter about all of the things that happened before you were married for twenty years. That doesn't seem like the most productive way to spend your life.
I was not bitter for most of my married life, it was fear of losing my W which seemed like it could so easily happen, and which fueled my nightmares. My fear came from W being instantly attractive to many men, along with W being critical and impossible to make happy with me. If I had known MB methods I would not have lived this way.
God Bless
Gamma TheRoad,
Again when did you find out that your wife had the affair was it before or after you asked her to marry you? There is no being pre engaged. Dating exclusive is not engaged. Stop hiding behind words.
I really don't remember if it was before or after we agreed to marry.
To me it DOES NOT MATTER,
God Bless
Gamma It does matter. It Does Matter If any new member was to post on MB and said they just found out that my BF/GF cheated on me. There is not a member here that would not say run for the hills. Dump her/him. Dating is the job interview for marriage and she/he failed. Yet you knew she cheated and married her any way. After your WW affair you said the sex never recovered yet you married her anyway. You wanted your WW at any cost. Now you regret paying the bill twenty years later. Even if your WW was to have Warner Wolf show the complete affair on video tape. You would have all your questions answered but you would still not be happy with your marriage. You and your WW have not done the work together to repair the damage from the OM. You married a serial cheater that just expects you to rug sweep it all.
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Writer1,
I have to wonder, after 20 years of asking and apparently not getting a satisfactory answer, what makes you think you're going to be able to get one now?
It was not 20 years of asking I would only ask every 5 years or so, and she never said much more than a single sentence. What makes me think I'll do better now, well for one thing I hope OM2 will talk. For another making a fake social media profile and then contacting OM2 with it.
At times W seems ready to confess, but looks at the consequences and backs off.
Perhaps it is an impossible task, but I can at least try.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 12/27/13 06:07 PM.
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It was not 20 years of asking I would only ask every 5 years or so, and she never said much more than a single sentence. What makes me think I'll do better now, well for one thing I hope OM2 will talk. For another making a fake social media profile and then contacting OM2 with it.
At times W seems ready to confess, but looks at the consequences and backs off.
Perhaps it is an impossible task, but I can at least try.
God Bless
Gamma Have you considered maybe just using MB to create a loving, romantic marriage with your wife? Maybe reading some of the books or consulting with Dr. Harley himself? That seems far more productive than spending the rest of your life stalking some guy your wife had feelings for (before you were married) trying to get him to "confess" to what happened.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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It was not 20 years of asking I would only ask every 5 years or so, and she never said much more than a single sentence. What makes me think I'll do better now, well for one thing I hope OM2 will talk. For another making a fake social media profile and then contacting OM2 with it. One of the basic principles of physics states that you can not observe a system without disturbing it. Under some conditions, the disturbance you introduce will be all that you observe. Creating a fake Facebook account and contacting the former boyfriend with it is such a case. Even if the guy were to express great love for your wife, it would have more to do with your present-time contact than with a 20-year-old past relationship. If you keep doing stuff like this, you will end up with a destroyed marriage.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Creating a fake Facebook account and contacting the former boyfriend with it is such a case. Even if the guy were to express great love for your wife, it would have more to do with your present-time contact than with a 20-year-old past relationship. If you keep doing stuff like this, you will end up with a destroyed marriage. Reading your plan, Gamma, is like watching an oncoming train crash in slow motion.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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At this point, if it's a deal-breaker, get it over with. Stop dancing around and trying to get her to confess. If it bothers you so much, then DIVORCE HER and get it over with! Don't jerk this marriage around and destroy what's left of your love for her. Or hers for you.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Gamma,
You were there when I needed help on the forum. My heart breaks for you. From all the threads I have read over the last 2 years, I see the vets say that the best thing to help the pain of the past to fade is to make a better more romantic marriage in the present so that the present is more enjoyable than the past.
What can you do with your W to have a better marriage right now? Will she agree to work the Marriage Builders plan with you? Are you and your W willing to do the online course and acquire an accountability coach, say for at least 6 months and then re-assess how you feel?
Take care.
W (me) - 40
H - 44
M 15 years, 2 kids
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MrEureka,
One of the basic principles of physics states that you can not observe a system without disturbing it. Under some conditions, the disturbance you introduce will be all that you observe.
True, but the initial state of this current experiment is dependent on the prior states. And I think OM2 could answer the binary question did you and WW have sex. I'm not asking how much lubrication did WW produce in grams.
Creating a fake Facebook account and contacting the former boyfriend with it is such a case. Even if the guy were to express great love for your wife, it would have more to do with your present-time contact than with a 20-year-old past relationship. If you keep doing stuff like this, you will end up with a destroyed marriage.
Had they never been in love, or at the very least attracted however there would have been no detectable signal above the noise level when they met. Clearly the needle pinned in this case.
God Bless
Gamma
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Had they never been in love, or at the very least attracted however there would have been no detectable signal above the noise level when they met. Clearly the needle pinned in this case.
God Bless
Gamma Okay, but so what? Your wife admitted to you that she was in love with this guy before you ever married her. So you already knew that she had feelings for him. You've known that for 20 years. What did you prove by arranging for her to see him that you didn't already know?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Writer1,
What did you prove by arranging for her to see him that you didn't already know?
Prior to this I knew WW loved OM2, now I am fairly certain OM2 loved my WW as well. I would do it again.
Also my WW was in an apologetic mood afterwards which tells me there is more to this, and likely was physical.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 12/31/13 07:06 PM.
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Writer1,
What did you prove by arranging for her to see him that you didn't already know?
Prior to this I knew WW loved OM2, now I am fairly certain OM2 loved my WW as well. I would do it again.
Also my WW was in an apologetic mood afterwards which tells me there is more to this, and likely was physical.
God Bless
Gamma I don't really see what it matters how this man felt about your wife 20 years ago, before she even was your wife. The fact that you would arrange a meeting between them again tells me that you basically have no intentions of following Dr. Harley's advice or the MB program, so why are you here?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Why don't you arrange a lie detector test and get it over with
I have 2 questions.
1. Did any of the cheating happen during marriage?
2. When you were dating, was it agreed on by both of you that the relationship was exclusive when she was dating another guy?
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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Kilted_thrower,
Why don't you arrange a lie detector test and get it over with
Would like to, perhaps this will be the ultimatum.
I have 2 questions.
1. Did any of the cheating happen during marriage?
Difficult to say since for OM2 WWs contact overlapped the start of our marriage as they continued to work together.
2. When you were dating, was it agreed on by both of you that the relationship was exclusive when she was dating another guy?
Yes the relationship was mutually agreed to be exclusive, there was never any agreement to open the relationship.
God Bless
Gamma
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