I was wondering if a marriage that started as an affair can last? What if they use the Marriage Builders principles?

They have been married for 3 years and together for 7 years. Both spouses were married while having the affair and left their marriages to marry each other.
Both ex-spouses still remain single.

They do look like a happy perfect couple. Could they be the exception to the rule, a rare case?

Welcome to MB, Better.

Is there any reason to suppose that they are using Marriage Builders' principles?

Are you an interested party in the case?

To answer your question: Any marriage that uses MB principles will last.

However, Dr Harley has coached several couples in affair marriages and has never had success with them. They won't use the Policy of Joint Agreement.

The same selfishness that led them to disregard the feelings of their spouses carries forward to the affair marriage. The result is fighting and discontent.

Exactly what SC said.

Dr Harley has discussed this topic on the radio show numerous times. Here's a thread that has links to some of the radio shows:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2611770&page=1

Funnily enough, in one of the clips, the caller who is in an affairage blames the problems in the M on the OM-husband's children, his refusal to quit smoking, blah blah.

Dr Harley tries to tell her that the problem is lack of POJA....and he can't get people in affair marriages to follow POJA. She proves his point very well when she makes it very clear that she doesn't like POJA and basically argues with him.

How they "look" is a big fat nothing.

My ex and OW4 by all appearances are schmoopie soulmates and gush all over each other in their FB pics. But behind closed doors, it is an entirely different story....

My exWW's parents marriage was the result of an affairage, going on 20 + years.

From the outside....looks completely normal.

From an inside view

The most dysfunctional relationship I had ever seen.

At the brink of D every single year.


Not exactly sure I would label them a success in any way shape or form especially how the turmoil from it has trickled down like cancer into their entire family.

Thank you all for your responses. I am the xbw. My xwh had several affairs, both emotional and physical even-though all signs were there he sticks to his guns by saying that since I didn't get him in the sexual act then I can't proof anything. There were many signs and red flags, I just failed to snoop. I knew in my heart he was cheating but I didn't want to snoop.

His last affair hurt the most. We had reconciled after a physical separation. I gave a lot to work in the marriage but found out there was another woman, the one he married. Divorce was ugly. Our children suffered tremendously.

Now, after years, they still portray the perfect family picture. I still hurt at times to see her living my life while I struggle financially and raising 4 teenagers alone. On the other hand, they travel, her adult children are still being supported by him still living with him. They seem to be living the good life while my children still hurt their father's absence. I have told him this but he says he has another family and can't do anything about it- it is what it is. He and other woman have no children of their own together.

It (sometimes) still hurt. I have not had contact with him in 7 months. I stay busy, working on myself but how can I completely get rid of the pain?

I'm sorry to hear this horrible story.

Why did you entitle your thread "affairages using Marriage Builders"? What makes you think they are using MB? Does your H know about it? DId he used to post here, or did you?

Last year, I told him that his affairage was doomed and he replied that he was reading a website by Dr. Harley. So I imagine he is working on his marriage.


I looked it up and found this amazing forum. I had read the book "Surving an Affair" back in 2003 trying to understand my xwh. It helped me a lot.

Your thread should be in the forum Surviving an Affair. You should click "notify" and ask for it to be moved there.

Did you ever post in 2003?

As far as you know, did your H post at the time he said he found the website?

How do you two communicate issues related to the children?

Do you have any connection to him whatsoever? Such as hearing things about him and his M through your children or other family members? Do you see things about him on FB, etc?

No, I didn't post back in 2003. I read the book in 2003. I just found this website less than a year ago. I'm not sure if he has posted. He would never admit to his affair to his other woman, now wife. He tells everyone that he met her after we were separated but that's not true. We were still living together.

Actually, my oldest daughter then almost 11 yrs. old found out about them and told me. She saw intimate pictures of them in his phone. She was the who would tell me about "daddy's" females friends. she would either see puctures or texts on his phone of women I didn't even know existed.

We don't communicate at all. He communicates directly with the children through cell. Children are the ones telling me about his FB and how happy they look. Children don't see him often. He lives in another state. He sees them once a year. He tells them he already has a family and things are different now.

We divorced in July 2010. They got married October 2010.

Hi, Better. I am sorry for what brings you here.

I would suggest building your walls higher to protect you from information about your ex husband. Good or bad, it is going to have a bad effect on you. I would tell the children that as much as possible you want to avoid hearing about him or talking about him because it is so painful for you. If you can create a truly dark Plan B where you don't receive information about him at all, you will begin to feel better.

I believe Dr. Harley would also suggest structuring your life such that you have things to look forward to each day. If you do not enjoy your job, find a job that you do enjoy, for example. Plan enjoyable activities with your children or your friends.

Are you still living in the same home that you lived in when you were married? Dr. Harley would suggest moving and altering your environment such that it cannot possibly remind you of him or his affair. You may need to consider moving to a new city or state. One betrayed wife on this board has commented how just going back to the town she lived in during her husband's affair has a depressing effect on her.

Make your Plan B walls higher and alter your environment such that you have a new life that has lots of things for you to look forward to and you are not reminded of your husband, and I predict that you will begin to feel much, much better!

Have you seen this?
How to Plan B Correctly

Yes, I have. I started on Plan B as soon as I found this website. I've been doing good. I no longer see their social pages. No contact-feels good but there are days when I still get triggers. I don't know how to shake them them. I feel stuck. I get both upset and hurt. I have never posted before and I came here for guidance. Thank you so much for taking your time to respond-help.

So you don't have to interact with him at all?

What self-care do you do for yourself?

Thank you for great advice! God bless you all wonderful people in here. I finally feel like I'm being heard for the first time in years-besides a couple of close friends I have.

I will raise my Plan B walls higher. My children try to no longer pronounce his name in our house. The pain wasn't just done to me but also to them. He has made it clear to them-and they know-that they will never be a priority to him. It hurts me so much, feels like my heart is being ripped out my chest when I see my children crying over the stuff he does or tells them. They talk to him once a month on the phone. They do it because they feel the pressure if family members.

Family members- all know about the affair. They tell the kids no matter what their father has done, they still have to respect him and talk to him. They think I "poisoned" them. All 4 kids are teenagers now. BOTH sets (our) parents are in affairages which are over 30 years for both. I still see no regrets or remorse from neither side. That is why they were never supportive. For my own sanity, I ended contact with both his and my family. His family have told the children that I should let go and move on. I have but they think that I should continue contact with him. They also want to be in contact with me. They want to have holidays, parties, ect. together. The thought causes me anxiety. I have also ended "friendships" who supported affair.

It gets lonely at times but I remain mentally healthier. I wished I could have found this website years ago, would've saved me years of heartache.

Would the kids talk to him without that pressure?

I would say that they should not have to if they don't want to.

I'm a little confused- you have ended contact with they family, but it sounds like they still have influence on your kids through some channel?

Dr. Harley would tell you that if your teens don't want to talk with their father anymore, they shouldn't be forced to. Plan B is for them, too, as long as they are not legally required to stay in contact.

Respect is earned, and their father has lost their respect. Only he can earn it back. The wayward family members don't understand this.

It's good that you no longer have contact with the wayward non-supportive family members. This means that you ARE letting go and moving on. This is what forgiveness is going to look like for you. Plan B is the best way to move past the hurt and pain and avoid carrying bitterness into your future.

Have you ever considered moving away?