I'm struggling horribly with the need to exact revenge upon two (2) OM who willfully violated my marriage and upended my life in the most traumatic way I've known.

My wife recently revealed two affairs. The first was a one-night sexual encounter with an ex-boyfriend eleven years ago, and remained a secret until now. The OM was single at the time, but knew my wife was married, knew me, and still had sex with her on his couch while she wore the wedding and engagement rings I gave to her. I've confronted him, but with nothing more than harsh words.

My wife's second affair took place this summer with a male coworker. To the best of my knowledge, it was an emotional friendship and I managed to intervene before it turned physical. The OM was engaged, and his fianc� now knows everything. I confronted him and demanded that he resign his job, to which he agreed. He later turned defiant and now has no intention whatsoever of leaving his job.

My wife and I both read 'Surviving An Affair' and have been working the program. A persistent distraction, however, is my overwhelming anger at these two OM. To be clear, I'm well aware of the consequences that vengeance may entail. And, again to be clear, I have no desire to expose myself or my family to such consequences. But that does nothing to address these two OM evading justice.

I know that if I'd done what they did, I'd be looking over my shoulder every day. It only seems fitting to expect retribution for such a gross violation of another man's family and marriage.

I'm aware the feelings I'm having lend themselves to love-busting behaviors, and so I'm taking steps to avoid that.

All of the above to say, I'd appreciate hearing from other betrayed husbands how to dispatch with the OM who so viciously and permanently scarred our lives, but walk away scar free.

Hi jtp, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. There is a very specific path away from resentment against these scumbags who had affairs with your wife: a) get them out of your life entirely, b) affair proof your marriage and c) create a romantic, passionate marriage with your wife.

If you will do those things, your resentment will fade.

Have you exposed the affairs?
Exposure to OM family?

I agree with Jedi. I would make sure the OM are exposed to their families. The recent workplace affair should be exposed at the workplace. Has your wife left that job?

Welcome, while I am not a BH, there are many here who are and it may be helpful to you to read what they have experienced.

There is HoldHerHand and
MikeStillSmiling to name a few and the Men's Recovery Thread

The first OM (eleven years ago) was single at the time. He's married today, and indicated that he's revealed the incident to his wife. I should also point out that, after a heated phone conversation, this OM has threatened police intervention� So contacting his spouse isn't likely an option.

The second OM (this summer) is engaged. His fianc� knows everything, though she seems predetermined to forgive him and to reconcile. The fianc� confronted my WS, and is behind the OM's defiance in refusing to resign his job, where my WS also works.

Is your wife leaving the job?

Well, yes. From her point of view, your wife was equally to blame. Why should he leave the job? Why not her?

Im confused when you say you are reading Surviving an Affair and working the program....
when the first step of the program is writing a No Contact letter to the OM?

The first step is to end all contact, which can't be done if the affairees still work together.

To answer questions whether my WS is leaving her job, or why the OM should leave his job, I'll provide a bit more detail:

When I first learned that my wife was embroiled in an "emotional-friendship" with a male co-worker, I confronted the OM and insisted on a face-to-face meeting. Among other things, I let it be known that further contact with my wife was out of the question. Unfortunately for them, they were co-workers and so one of them had to resign their position.

I told the OM I didn't think my wife should be forced to resign, as the financial hardship would be on my household. If anyone had to bear that burden, better him (OM) than me. As the victim here, I have no sympathy.

My wife has been pursuing outside job opportunities, but I have to say, I'll be disappointed if she quits while the OM gets to keep his job. As I stated in my original post, the OM initially conceded to my demand that he resign. Of note, their employer has been made aware of the affair, and doesn't feel that termination is appropriate.

Moreover, my initial post concerns the overwhelming urge to visit pain/suffering upon these dirt-bag OM in light of the pain/suffering they've caused me. I'll be dealing with the images and turmoil for the foreseeable future. How can I allow such violations to go unanswered?..

There is really only one way to deal with the OM. That way is to abandon him to the past. Don't waste your time or effort thinking about him. Rather, put all your energy into building a wonderful, romantic marriage in the present.

The way you get over it is to stop talking about it, get your wife away from the OM and start recovering your marriage. You haven't even taken STEP ONE in recovery.

I am not sure what you have in mind when you say something should be "answered" but retaliating against the OM will not alleviate your resentment. The steps I outlined WILL.

Your wife needs to find another job as soon as possible, because every day they see each other at work, fuels your resentment and keeps the affair on the front burner.

The priority needs to be on keeping the marriage, NOT on the job

The job was an environment which made the affair possible and will be full of emotional triggers for your wife, even if OM leaves.

So the answer is to hev her get a new job, and then write a No Contact letter as detailed in Surviving an Affair.
They may still be having sex for all you know....

You are triggering because your WW is not NC with the OM. Your WW must leave the job today. It not fair to you for the WW to not go NC.

jtp72,

Since you have some doubt, I would get a polygraph for your WW.

As for the first OM1 contacting the police, most OM avoid the publicity like the plague.

You need to threaten a lawsuit against the employer. Is OM2 a boss or superior of your WW? Also if there are other affairs going on or if it is an affair prone culture you may have more leverage.

If you know of other affairs the OM1 or OM2 have engaged in let their significant others know.

God Bless
Gamma

Hi, jtp, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for what you are going through.

I think it is going to be impossible for you to recover as long as your wife works in this job. It is very important to change the circumstances that led to the affair, not only to prevent another affair, but also to help you emotionally - you need to be brought out of circumstances that will remind you of the affair, and her job will always do that.

I suggest that she resign immediately and that the two of you consider moving.

In addition to your wife not having contact with the OM, you should also make sure you don't contact him, or even see or hear anything that will remind you of him. Definitely don't try to talk to him about what you think he should do - you won't make any progress persuading him to do anything, and it will just hamper your recovery by hurting you emotionally. No amount of logical thinking will persuade him of anything.

Definitely make sure the affairs are fully exposed. Definitely make sure you and your wife are working each step of the book Surviving an Affair. It is essentially a checklist of things that need to happen for recovery. If any of them don't happen, you are going to continue feeling this bad, but if all of them happen, you are going to start better, possibly in just a few months. In a couple of years you will feel completely better about your life and marriage if you and your wife both follow this plan.

A move and your wife leaving the job are both vital and need to happen ASAP. Dr. Harley strongly suggests a move for most couples trying to recover from infidelity.

We all have instincts and desires in life that are best left unacted upon. I would suggest that this is one. If you do anything to him, you will only increase your resentment. Plus you run the risk of facing legal consequences. And if you are wanting to recover your marriage, this will probably eliminate your chances.

I suggest you become familiar with the plan Dr. Harley describes for recovery. He has seen this work for thousands of couples. My suggestion is that you try following the steps he suggests - and after you've been doing that for awhile, then see how you feel.

If your wife continues to see the OM and continues to work this job, I am certain that you are going to continue to feel bad. And even if you retaliate against the other man, you will continue to feel bad. Our goal here is to help you achieve happiness in life - that's going to be part of recovery for you.

If you follow your feelings and instincts, like most people you'll find that your feelings and instincts are very good at thinking logically about your long term welfare. We want to help you think logically and strategically so that you can build a happy life and recover from the trauma you have been through.

jtp72, I think most of the BS understand your feelings. I have been dealing with those vengeful feelings as well, OW was my student. But I learned that the only vengance we can certainly have, is exposure. You said you exposed to the fiance and work, how about his family.

Now about work, I second what everyone has been telling you. Your wife needs to get another job. If you wife stays on her current job, her workplace will be full of triggers for her. Waywards go into depression and you don't want your wife to be depressed at her current job, its not good for her health nor for your marriage.

Focus your energy on your marriage. Spending time thinking about OM is wasting valuable time and energy that you need right now to work on your marriage. You keep poisoning your marriage and yourself in this process, stop it, you are stronger than that.

1. Your wife making you whole and feeling safe goes a long way towards reducing your anger. Is this happening?

2. Anger and resentment are useless emotions in this endeavor. They cloud the focus which should be on creating a better marriage.

Its taken me a long time to realize this. And I have moments when I get sidetracked.

I also like to envision my wife's om in a fiery car crash or something that brings on a long painful death.

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