I've been dating someone for a year who I met online and I didn't want a kiss on the first date.

I was strongly attracted to him, but it was just too nerve wracking and too early at that point.

When you've met online, it's not just a first date, it is a first meeting so I'm inclined to class it more as a preliminary. Which will make you more shy and reserved imo than a general first date.

Women really like to be pursued and found attractive so I didn't really have any confidence with him until the second meet. He had MET me and asked out the RL version of me, so I could relax as I felt courted.

A lot of my friends have done online dating and they seem to be of the opinion they don't want a first date kiss either. They are more inclined to end the date with a hug, cheek or air kiss. Which they initiate, so as to be clear and to prevent the man feeling like he has to initiate a full on smooch.

This could be just down to British reserve, though.

The handshake thing is a bit odd, my guess is it was nerves. I also cut the date short after a few hours, because my nerves had taken as much as they could. I needed to regroup and see if he would ask me out again.

I think a brief touch on the upper arm is a good farewell from a first online date.
Maybe a semi hug at most.

I agree: I don't kiss on first dates. And I keep them very short, 45 minutes to an hour. That way, if either party is uninterested, escape is near.

I also like to keep it simple: coffee or a drink. I don't want to spend a man's money when he hasn't even met me yet. Sometimes he is keen to have lunch, and that's ok too - if that's what he wants. But I prefer a first date to hang on $3-$5: I don't feel 'obligated' to like him out of guilt, and our connection (or lack of) is clear, with no fancy props.

For me, the first date is merely an introduction to see if there is any chemistry between us. If times flies and we are both enjoying ourselves, then that's a very good sign and means I'll usually accept a 2nd date. (My average is to accept 1 in 6)

...Just one woman's POV.

TC, have you seen Susan yet again? Been in touch with her?

Please keep us posted

indiegirl and reading - Thank you for the advice and the different perspective. I have kissed girls on the first date but I don't default to that by any means. The majority don't give me those signals.

So a few updates:

I've firmed up details with SUSAN for tonight; we're going to a great little wine bar that has been converted from a old gas station. It should be a great place to sit, talk and hopefully be a bit more comfortable this time around. We're talked via text in brief over the last few days but nothing major so I'm looking forward to hearing how her week/weekend went!

AMY texted me yesterday afternoon just to see how my day was. That was very sweet of her and I really appreciated the reciprocation on the communication thing! I tentatively suggested a few date ideas to her for our date on Thursday and we settled on her favorite wine bar, thankfully a different one than the one I picked for SUSAN and I tonight. I'm looking forward to this date quite a bit!

GRETTA never got in touch with me to reschedule. I sent her a suggestion for Wed night yesterday as I said I would but I don't anticipate she'll respond. GRETTA appears to be a cancel and then fade out. So it's down to two. I'm still holding off sending out another barrage of OKCupid and Match emails until these dates are concluded and I know how it goes with SUSAN and AMY.

Happy Tuesday everybody!

I see her tonight and I'm excited! I'll let you know how it goes. Should be fun; I love this wine bar we're going to.

Thought I'd offer some thoughts since I dated a whole lot of losers and then found a winner via online dating. I met my DH on Match. On our first date it was non-stop conversation - no lack for something to talk about. He did not kiss me good night or even give me a hug. I thought he wasn't interested. As I was falling off to sleep, I got a text from him that said, "I'm not the kind of guy who waits the mandatory 3 days. If I like someone, I don't wait let them know." It was 2 more dates before he kissed me. Here we are 4 years later very happily married.....no kiss on the first date (or second or third) might make her curious enough to hang around....

Maybe. Or it might make her think I've "friend zoned" her.

That's a great story! I'll keep it in mind and see how the evening progresses. I will not force anything. I asked her this afternoon if she'd like me to pick her up and she sent me her address. So it's nice that she's willing to let me be a gentleman. Now I have to remember to not drive like a maniac.

Alright, so the date with SUSAN is in the books and the results are positive!

I picked her up on time and she stated that she was impressed because most people had a hard time finding the place. We drove to the wine bar which was interesting and a great date locale as usual. We enjoyed the wine and the food; both were absolutely excellent. The conversation which was pleasant and generally flowing during the first date was significantly better this time around as there was nary a awkward pause to be found. She seemed to be generally interested in what I had to say and in turn I was interested in her stories as well. We talked a bit about family, work, Bronies and even politics just a bit. It was really nice.

At the end of the date I paid (she offered to cover half but I insisted) and then I drove her home and walked her to her door. She invited me in to see her apartment and meet her cats (Ferdinand and Oscar). I accepted and spent what was probably another hour talking with her in her home. I could tell she was nervous once I was inside her apartment so I kept it very PG. She stated at one point that she was sorry that she kept turning away from me and that she was nervous. I admitted I was nervous as well and we shared a nice hug. It was getting late at that point so I bid her a goodnight and left. She did give me a very platonic pair of kisses as I left which I did not instigate but did not turn down. She also thanked me again for the date and when I asked her if I could see her again, she seemed happy and said, "definitely." All in all it was a really nice evening that I enjoyed very much.

Once I got home, I texted her that I had a wonderful time and was looking forward to seeing her again. I'm going to get in touch with her tomorrow and hopefully arrange something for Sunday evening (next time I don't have the kids and am free).

Why didnt you initiate the kiss?

She was so nervous that I didn't think it was good timing frankly. Mostly it was that. When we were sitting, talking to each other at arms length playing with the cats she was fine but she was incredibly nervous anytime I was close enough to touch her. I think her nervousness bled into me being nervous as well when I'm normally not.

When I said it was time for me to leave though she stepped into me and leaned up so there was my invitation so to speak. Even so, it was very platonic which I think was again a indication of her comfort level.

Sounds like a great date! It's a big deal that she'd let you into her home. It shows she's comfortable with you so far (at least that would be a big deal for me).

I consider it very respectful when a man can read my ambivalence, and keeps himself from forcing a 'move.' It's the ones who push for physical intimacy that I cross off my list quickly.

As to the worry you might be "friend-zoning" her: I'm usually sure a guy is interested when he's asking me on dates. It's pretty clear that he doesn't want to be 'just friends' with me, and I have never worried that I'm in his 'friend-zone,' with or without kissing!

For the record, some of us ladies have been pushed for physical intimacy all our lives by countless men. It starts in high school and can get old, old, old. When a man is considerate enough to think about how I feel about becoming more physical with him, then he goes to the top of my list.

Some of my best experiences have been when we actually talk about kissing and physical intimacy during our dates. We'll discuss it, laugh and joke a little and tease. Once it's on the table, I start looking forward to it - even though I hold him off quite a while - and the sparks start to fly. It's kind of fun.

I mean, it's the elephant in the room anyway...why not talk about it?

For the record, I highly agree with everything Zhamila said above. I pray that God brings me someone like you...same morals, values and respect.

Thanks ladies, I appreciate your insight and votes of confidence!

I texted SUSAN this evening and we tentatively will be seeing each other Sunday evening. She seemed genuinely happy to hear from me and I'm really happy she agreed to another date.

I also firmed up a time for my date with AMY tomorrow evening. She was very communicative and she seems pretty jazzed to meet me. I'm pretty excited to meet her as well but now I'm running into a bit of a mental conundrum.

I'm really enjoying spending time with SUSAN. I know I'm supposed to be objective about this dating multiple women thing. It's about finding the right person for me. At the same time, I have a incurable case of monogamy and as a result, my natural tenancy at those point is to concentrate on SUSAN at the detriment of AMY who I will meet tomorrow.

I feel like that while I want to focus on SUSAN, I need to be objective and give AMY my undivided attention when I'm with her. I need to stay strong... but it's not easy. I recognize I have a tendency to settle for women who may not be what I need to be happy. I'm determined to not do that this time.

I think Susan really likes you. I also think you've been very good at reading her signals and making her feel comfortable.




I don't know if this helps, but I had a similar dilemma. Dr H's words were:





Hope this helps. I was confused as when to 'stop' - should I do the full recommended 30, should I go on past 30? When should I stop?

I think Dr Harley's phrase - When "someone knocks you off your feet" is a great guideline.

It's important to remember too his advice that people don't live together and date for around two years before any commitment.

Under this structure, the person has to continually keep 'knocking you off your feet' in that time period or obviously you won't bother showing up for the next date.

This is so unlike live-in couples who get trapped. They accept boredom, a lack of dates and needs meeting. Instead of needing a reason to carry on, they instead feel they should stick it out unless there is a specifically good reason to move out.

So I wouldn't worry too much. Even when you really like someone so much more than the other people you are meeting, you won't get trapped in an irreversable error using MB. There is still time for the strength of the attraction to be truly tested.

It also helped me to sit down and try to figure out 'logically' why I was being knocked off my feet. Listing, specifically, which of my needs were being met, which of theirs I would be good at meeting; which of the five compatiblity measures were met, which MB principles the person seemed to agree with /disapprove of.

This all helped me a lot.

I also heard a very interesting radio show a while back on the 'when to stop' issue. Dr Harley and his wife had been confidantes for a divorced friend who was getting back on the dating wagon.

She took the 30 dates advice, dated 30 people in total with not a single spark with a single soul in sight.

That would make anyone despondent, wouldn't it?

However Dr Harley told her to keep on - and on date number 31, the man was super into her. He told her she 'had the hair of an angel' and she was delighted to find she was very interested too.

They've been married, happily for quite a few years now.

Somehow I totally missed this. I thought it was don't get married until the two year point, but don't wait too much longer than that either.

I couldn't swear to it, as I've not seen it written down in an article but pretty sure his advice his advice is to date for around two years, and at that point a relationship usually turns into marriage or stops being satisfying.

I remember reading that if you haven't come to the decision to marry within the first two years, that you should abandon the relationship rather than sit in relationship limbo for years and years. I don't remember reading that you should date for two years minimum however. Anyone have a source? I'm curious.

I think Dr Harley said it on the radio show a few months back.

It was some dating question, about whether someone the caller was dating was a good marriage prospect. To the best of my recollection, he told the caller they should give it some time and said something like: "See, I think people should date for two years."