I understand exactly. And your way makes more sense. Thank you for explaining, Black Raven.

blackbird, you should still expose to your family. Your WH has never been accountable for anything because you hide his wrongdoing and secrets. No amount of therapy is going to help him, whether you stay married or divorce, when you help him hide in the dark. If you love him as you say and want a decent father for your children one day, you need to stop feeling embarrassed, ashamed, etc. Right now you are his #1 enabler. If your WH was serious about changing his life around, he would also WELCOME the help vs wanting to continue cowering in the dark.

You may care for and love him (perhaps feel sorry for him) but are you really in love with him? Please think about this. Given that sex with him repulses you, you have never recovered from the rape, he is disrespectful to you and your marriage, he lies and several other things...how are you "in" love with him? To be "in" love, most women need a man they admire and who exercises care for them. I have a hard time believing you are "in" love with such a person and that you have more of a fantasy going on of what you HOPE he may be one day.

I see many acts here that might land your husband in jail. A couple that you know about are child molestation and marital rape. What if it comes out that he has molested your own children? Or others? Or raped others? That would sabotage your plan to uphold a marriage at all cost if he is in prison for his sexual crimes.

Is it against the law to rape your spouse in her sleep and put the videos on the internet? I don't know.

Are polygraph testers obliged to report crimes to the police?

BB,

You've chosen to create your own perception of your marriage and refuse to listen to it.

My neighbor can argue with me all day that my car tire is red, but I know it's black and he won't convince me to change my reality.

By most of society's standards, your husbands behavior is terrible.

But you certainly have the right to insist that they are all wrong, and he's just a great guy with a few flaws that's misunderstood.

Thank you for the questions. I need to find out the guidelines so I know how many questions I can ask....much has already been revealed so it makes it easier. I will find out and hopefully post my planned questions before the test.



I know I need a plan, I want a plan....part is the poly....porn at work he has taken steps....it is partially set up and will be finished tomorrow. I will take his phone today and block the regular browser. We all use the same iTunes account to it is easy to keep track of apps etc.

Sleeping, I don't know....I had not realized this was still a problem....he has not had access to webcams and stuff like that. I think the best solution is separate rooms but not sure how that will logistically work quite yet.

Drinking....I don't know, I can hardly feel like it's an immediate need to manage, but I do of course realize it's a problem. Could lock away alcohol and I could have the only combo.

He is restricted to one computer, it is in our bedroom and it already has parental controls bc of the kids.

He is the boss at his work, so everyone is a subordinate. As far as I know he was scared off by the situation he went through with the OW and has avoided forming any friendship or anything with anyone at work.

I'm sure much more needs to be figured out.

He sounds like a binge drinker.
I can tell you right now that if you try to get into a battle with alcohol the alcohol will win.
Vices are available anywhere, 24/7.

Can his phone make video recordings? These can be uploaded to YouTube.

Is the webcam disabled?

How is he restricted to this computer? How is he stopped from using any other computer?

Dr Harley recently mentioned a study in Iowa, at a mens rehab center...where 70% of the alcoholic men confessed to sexually abusing their children!

That's why I questioned his drunk driving.
A rational person usually doesn't drive drunk (or even get drunk) because they don't want to go to jail, kill someone etc.

Have you ever attended an AlAnon meeting?

So he is free to continue to exploit female subordinates at work?

There are some things I just cannot expose. The affair I plan on. Other stuff, I can't.

I was not in love with him for a very long time. I felt trapped and unhappy and yes, repulsed by him. But we have been so much better in the past year or so and we were in a good place and I was happy....in love, we have been having sex again semi regularly since October, which is a big deal in our marriage.

I'm not sure why I still feel in love now, I would have expected to feel like I did back then.

feelings of love are the result of someone filling up your Love Bank.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

Obviously, your H meets some of your important emotional needs.

Read up on that here

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Once you understand these basic concepts, you will see that there is no magic to love. It exists because it is meeting your needs somehow. You can chose what to do with the love. You can chose to either continue in this relationship or not waste more of your life on it and move onward to someone who is not so troubled and does not have so many problems to 'fix'.

His phone does have a camera, as far as I know he has never used it in that way, but it is going to be restricted from when he gets home today.

The computer he has access to is a desktop with no webcam. The other laptops are hidden, and have parental controls but I believe he does know those passwords, and they have webcams so too tempting to give him access to, unless I physically break the camera. He is not terribly computer literate but who knows what one can figure out with google.

His computer at work has a strong filter, but he was bypassing by connecting to wifi. He has now disabled that computers ability to connect to wifi....he says he wouldn't know how to get it back, but I can't actually verify), he lately though was accessing through tablets and the person in charge of those will be able to fully block web browsing with a password he won't know. The only other access at work is his phone I believe and I will take care of that.

How would you know, though? One does not need a webcam to post videos on the internet.


This is only what he tells you, which is meaningless. Does he own this company? An important component of recovery after an affair is leaving the environment that made the affair possible. As long as he stays there and has females reporting to him, he is free to continue affairs and to continue his porn and masturbation. Dr. Harley would suggest giving him 30 days to get another job [that is safe to your marriage] or you should expose his activities to the authorities in his company.

Your husband should not be in a job where he works with women, much less supervises them, because he can't be trusted out of your sight. I would start thinking of careers where you can be together 24/7 if you intend on staying with him.

Of course, I don't know how you would continue a marriage with someone who assaults you in your sleep. You can't even leave your doors unlocked at night.

Do you have any daughters?

You're welcome.


Kids share a bed. You share a bed with one child. Everyone stays in their beds but WH moves to the couch at night. Make it happen.


Do not trust any of this to be true...you have no way of knowing what he does at work...and you already know he lies and lies some more. My then WH carried on workplace affairs and was the boss. He was/is a weak man with crappy boundaries and would eventually find some stupid woman to give him attention. Even when the President of his company told WH to his face that he would fire him and would never have anything to do with him again if he continued cheating/lying after Dday1 (and this was an influential man in the industry who WH admired and was personal friends with) WH still continued cheating/lying.

Your WH has already admitted he can not control himself...and that is obvious.

He is trying to change jobs, I will encourage him to keep up the job hunt. The good thing is where he works now is quite far from where the OW lives, and I believe that was a big part in getting her to lay off. As it is I know she has visited at least once and even asked him to hire her but he didn't. I remember him telling me this (would have been a great time to come clean, but he didn't) and at the time I didn't understand why he was so negative about taking her on.

Wherever you sleep, you'd better have AND USE a good lock on the door.

What protection do your children have at night?

To be absolutely clear, if I had even the tiniest bit of doubt about my kids safety, I would absolutely have nothing to do with him. No one in the world is more important to me than them.

Oh, but he did. He became a rapist who regularly assaults his wife (or attempts to) while she is unconscious. And then puts it on the internet.

That you cannot see the obvious connection between these two behaviours is evidence of how tainted your thinking has become, because of your relationship with him.