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Originally Posted by Blackbirdfly
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Deacon_Blues
Quote
Kids share a bed. You share a bed with one child. Everyone stays in their beds but WH moves to the couch at night. Make it happen.
Wherever you sleep, you'd better have AND USE a good lock on the door.

What protection do your children have at night?


To be absolutely clear, if I had even the tiniest bit of doubt about my kids safety, I would absolutely have nothing to do with him. No one in the world is more important to me than them.


If they truly are important to you, then what steps have you taken to protect them from him? You already know that he is a child molester and a rapist. Any responsible person would be taking extreme steps to protect their children.

And how is it that he is able to assault you while you are asleep? When my husband touches me I wake up. Are you taking narcotics?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
And how is it that he is able to assault you while you are asleep? When my husband touches me I wake up. Are you taking narcotics?

That question has been bothering me from the very beginning. Blackbird your description is very similiar to the stories I have heard from people who have been drugged with the date rape drug.

I have never taken sleeping pills so I have no idea if they would actually be strong enough to keep you asleep while being assulted but it sounds suspicious to me.


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Originally Posted by Blackbirdfly
Originally Posted by black_raven
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Blackbirdfly
[ Maybe I am wrong for loving him, but if I divorced him and broke up my family, it will not undo what he did.

It won't protect you in the future, though.

blackbird, you should still expose to your family. Your WH has never been accountable for anything because you hide his wrongdoing and secrets. No amount of therapy is going to help him, whether you stay married or divorce, when you help him hide in the dark. If you love him as you say and want a decent father for your children one day, you need to stop feeling embarrassed, ashamed, etc. Right now you are his #1 enabler. If your WH was serious about changing his life around, he would also WELCOME the help vs wanting to continue cowering in the dark.

You may care for and love him (perhaps feel sorry for him) but are you really in love with him? Please think about this. Given that sex with him repulses you, you have never recovered from the rape, he is disrespectful to you and your marriage, he lies and several other things...how are you "in" love with him? To be "in" love, most women need a man they admire and who exercises care for them. I have a hard time believing you are "in" love with such a person and that you have more of a fantasy going on of what you HOPE he may be one day.


There are some things I just cannot expose. The affair I plan on. Other stuff, I can't.

I was not in love with him for a very long time. I felt trapped and unhappy and yes, repulsed by him. But we have been so much better in the past year or so and we were in a good place and I was happy....in love, we have been having sex again semi regularly since October, which is a big deal in our marriage.

I'm not sure why I still feel in love now, I would have expected to feel like I did back then.

Is your family nearby? WH's family? Who is on the exposure list and more importantly when are you going to expose?

Are you a SAHM?

Three things you can work on immediately:

1-Poly
2-Exposure
3-Sleeping arrangements

Until you have the truth, there isn't much point in focusing on step #3, 5 and 9. KWIM?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Just an FYI. I do take ambien occasionally because I have always had trouble sleeping, BUT never have I not heard my children call out to me at night nor NOT awoken to my husband touching me even if he just rolled over and accidentally touched me.

Her husband said on the radio show that what she takes is not a RX, so must be over the counter, which confuses me more. I guess everyone reacts different.

If she is so knocked out though how does she know if he left their bedroom and went to their daughter's room?

I would be installing cameras throughout my house!!!! Horrible way to live.


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"it is not prescribed.." Husband admits in the radio call that this is "rape." It has never stopped apparently.

And I agree with your points, Halfunit. She has no way of knowing if he has assaulted their children in the same way.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes he admitted to Dr. & Joyce that he would call it rape.

It's one thing if you allow yourself to be sexually abused, quite another to allow a child the same treatment. OMG WHAT IF HE FILMED YOUR CHILDREN BB???????

At this point I am so concerned with these children. I'm not understanding this whole thread.

I am BW and was so in denial but even I can't grasp BB's thought process.


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Blackbird,

My FWH, during the time he was cheating (years ago), twice tried to have sex with me while I was sleeping. Both times, I woke up and pushed him off me. The second time, I made it clear to him that if he ever tried it again, I would file rape charges against him. He never tried it again.

At the time he tried to rape me in my sleep, he was drinking quite a lot. I also had a sexual aversion for quite a while because of his insistence that I perform acts that I was not comfortable with. He did finally stop demanding those acts, and I was able to overcome the sexual aversion, even to the point to where I could, at times, perform those acts. It did take quite a while, though.

However, he never tried to film or take pictures of us having sex.

He never tried to molest a child.

Quite frankly, knowing that my husband had molested a child would be a deal-breaker for me. It doesn't matter that the child your husband molested was only 2 years old and doesn't remember it. That does not alleviate your husband's guilt in any way, and I would never, ever allow him to be alone with any child of mine. If I ever found out such a thing, he would be GONE!

Make sure you get that lie detector test, and make sure you ask every question possible.

Whatever it is that you take at bedtime...STOP taking it! You cannot protect your children if you can't even protect yourself!


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

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I'm wondering...is there any way your husband could be drugging you, as with a date-rape drug, commonly known as "roofies"?


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

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I typed out a whole thing and lost it.

I had really considered if he was drugging me. I do not believe he has. I do believe he will try to encourage me to drink many nights (I usually would drink one glass of wine 1 or 2 times a week, and I strongly feel even half a drink) like he's always asking to make me drinks...and he will say he wants to make me something and it will be some sort of drink that tastes like pure alcohol. Those I just can't drink too much of, no way I drink it all when he does this. I have left the room and have found my drink more full than I left it.

I have insomnia. Like really drives me crazy insomnia. I was previously taking rx meds, even at that time but he was not even aware of it. I'm not sure why I didn't tell him, I don't think he had even started yet. I stopped long ago though.

I will sometimes mix OTC sleeping aids with a glass of wine to try to stay asleep longer (my insomnia makes me go to sleep just fine, but I will wake up after a couple of hours and stay awake)

I no longer let him know when I take anything. And at this point I'd rather just live with no sleep forever.

I have woken on occasion, like I know there's sudden movement and he has just pulled away, or my underwear aren't quite straight (and I am so stupid, but I prefer sleeping with nothing on and had been when I believed he had stopped!)Or I have woken up and could tell something had happened. I have memories that could have been dreams but I'm pretty sure are real now. I don't want to say, it's gross...but I can ask a couple of very specific questions regarding it that he will pass or fail.

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As I'm working this out on here and in my head, and even talking with him....I am stepping back and seeing that I have been a very strong enabler...and there has been a lot of denial on my part.

But, I do believe his kids being his biological children....he has never done anything sexual or wrong to him, like in his mind that is just not ok and he's not interested in that anyway. He did tell me he hadn't touched anyone else after...that he didn't have any opportunity. He did not repeat with the girl bc he didn't want her to remember or be able to tell when older. He told me exactly what he did to her. And if he is being honest, he was either 14 or 15, I've done the math and from what he said she was likely 2, 3 at the oldest. He does not remember when it happened. He also told me that he was molested, many times before this happened and he was younger. He described it as experimentation, but in my opinion he was clearly molested by an older relative.

I guess I'm starting to see that in a way, I'm the next opportunity. I don't think he has any preference to kids or anything weird like that. It's just, if he has no opportunity, he does nothing....but if he does he will take advantage. So, I think it is entirely possible he touched no one inappropriately for 15 years, until my insomnia started and my sleeping habits changed.

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It seems, then, he's had plenty of opportunity when he has made your drinks for you. When he's not doing it to you when you're knocked out cold, there's his opportunity. Right now, you're right, you're insomnia is better than leaving him opportunity. Maybe you're insomnia is based on instinct.



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Originally Posted by Blackbirdfly
I had really considered if he was drugging me. I do not believe he has. I do believe he will try to encourage me to drink many nights (I usually would drink one glass of wine 1 or 2 times a week, and I strongly feel even half a drink) like he's always asking to make me drinks...and he will say he wants to make me something and it will be some sort of drink that tastes like pure alcohol. Those I just can't drink too much of, no way I drink it all when he does this. I have left the room and have found my drink more full than I left it.

This is the likely explanation right here. He is putting some type of drug in your drinks. So in addition to not taking his drinks, you should also find a way to make sure he stays out of your children's rooms. How can you protect your children?

You do understand you have a legal responsibility to protect your children from harm? If they have been trifled with, it is not a legal defense to say "I don't think he would do that" when you know full well he is a child molester. You would be just as guilty as the molester for not protecting your children.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Alcohol mixed with other meds is a drug. He IS drugging you even if it is only the alcohol. He cannot be allowed to even offer a drink. Ever.

His fixation is on those who are helpless. That is children too young to report him and that is you in your sleep. It is the same fetish. Same behavior. Every incident with you in your sleep is a continuation of his fetish which includes helpless children. Allowing him opportunity to use you in your sleep is allowing him to practice violating the defenseless.

He cannot be allowed unlocked access to any sleeping person. If he stays (he should not) he should be in a separate portion of the home with no unlocked physical access to the sleeping area of others. You can't lock your children in. So you must lock him out.


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Originally Posted by Blackbirdfly
I no longer let him know when I take anything. And at this point I'd rather just live with no sleep forever.

Whether you tell him or not, he can figure that out on his own while you are asleep. Medicated or not, if you are unresponsive, there is opportunity.

You also cannot NOT sleep. At some point you will zonk out from pure exhaustion and you need to keep a clear head...lack of sleep will affect your thinking and you can not afford that.

Why won't you ask him to leave the house? Isn't there someone he could stay with for a period of time? How many times are you going to put up with this? He isn't going to stop.


BW - me
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2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

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Originally Posted by Blackbirdfly
I had really considered if he was drugging me. I do not believe he has. I do believe he will try to encourage me to drink many nights (I usually would drink one glass of wine 1 or 2 times a week, and I strongly feel even half a drink) like he's always asking to make me drinks...and he will say he wants to make me something and it will be some sort of drink that tastes like pure alcohol.

"Alcohol remains the most commonly used date rape drug, being readily available as well as legal, and is said to be used in the majority of sexual assaults of this nature."

edited by Christopher P. Holstege ... [et. Criminal poisoning: clinical and forensic perspectives. Sudbury, Mass.: Jones and Bartlett Publishers. p. 232. ISBN 0763744638.


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Originally Posted by Blackbirdfly
I had really considered if he was drugging me.

BB it is not logical that you have considered that he would go so far as to drug you but would stop with doing anything to the kids.

Do you have nanny cams in their rooms while he is still in the house?


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Originally Posted by Blackbirdfly
But, I do believe his kids being his biological children....he has never done anything sexual or wrong to him, like in his mind that is just not ok and he's not interested in that anyway. He did tell me he hadn't touched anyone else after.

Blackbirdfly,

Coming from my personal experience, most of the molestation/rapes that I know about are from biological relatives. Please consider this - simply because his children are his biological children will not prevent him from molesting them also. It just means your H has easier access to victims.


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Originally Posted by Blackbirdfly
As I'm working this out on here and in my head, and even talking with him....I am stepping back and seeing that I have been a very strong enabler...and there has been a lot of denial on my part.

But, I do believe his kids being his biological children....he has never done anything sexual or wrong to him, like in his mind that is just not ok and he's not interested in that anyway. He did tell me he hadn't touched anyone else after...that he didn't have any opportunity. He did not repeat with the girl bc he didn't want her to remember or be able to tell when older. He told me exactly what he did to her. And if he is being honest, he was either 14 or 15, I've done the math and from what he said she was likely 2, 3 at the oldest. He does not remember when it happened. He also told me that he was molested, many times before this happened and he was younger. He described it as experimentation, but in my opinion he was clearly molested by an older relative.

I guess I'm starting to see that in a way, I'm the next opportunity. I don't think he has any preference to kids or anything weird like that. It's just, if he has no opportunity, he does nothing....but if he does he will take advantage. So, I think it is entirely possible he touched no one inappropriately for 15 years, until my insomnia started and my sleeping habits changed.


Do you have the polygraph scheduled?

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Recent posts on this thread have been removed. Please help this poster with Marriage Builders advice or refrain from posting.

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BlackBird,

I find it incredulous that in view of everyone else's observations and opinions regarding your H's decadent behavior and ongoing Spousal Rape and broadcasting you unknowingly being Sexually Molested on the internet, that you do not feel completely unsafe around this person.

Your denial of the extent of the facts is so blatantly obvious.

That denial and lack of consequences is enabling the continuation of these abusive behaviors.

I most definitely would set up Nanny Cams in your bedroom, and most importantly, in the children's bedrooms.

To not do so in the event anything further occurrs is akin to aiding and abetting in the perpetuation of this criminal abuse.

We all see this.

You need to also.

LTL

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