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One last post for tonight. Some good/bad, and something my daughter said that I want your feedback on.

Bad: My first contract expired today. The extension has not worked through the system yet so I am on hiatus for at least a week.

Good: I need the break. Plus, I have time to work on another job that fell in my lap last week so I may not lose any revenue. Might even make more for the week.

Bad: They are not making me an employee, yet, so no health insurance for now.

Good: This new contract may be a year long.


Okay, so I picked up my girls this evening, and as we are getting close to my house, my oldest starts telling me how mommy was up around there looking for my house the other day. She was telling her generally where it was, although I can't imagine someone her age being all that great with directions. She told me that mommy didn't find it. I keep my truck in the garage, so she'd never know by guessing where I live.

But I find it curious that she was looking for where I live. Not sure why. Any ideas there?

By the way, no one knows where I live, not the xW, not my parents, no one. Except maybe the utility companies. I don't need people bothering me right now.


Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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I don't know why she was looking for your house.
Maybe just curious

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Don't you have to provide her with your address via the divorce order?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Interesting day today. I may have mentioned that i have this week off (at least) because my contract extension has not made its way through the bureaucracy yet, so I can't go to work. I got the girls an extra day today and just took them home.

However, this weekend was like a constant battle. The girls were battling each other, they were each battling me - the xW did that crap throughout our marriage. Every little thing was a pissing match with her, it was unbearable sometime. Could never have an adult conversation without her turning into some kid of power play. So I lost it with them. I didn't hit anyone, but I raised my voice to a level that I very seldom raise it to. a whole weekend of constant fighting over everything and crying every 30 seconds. DO you think this would be this bad if the girls had the security of ONE bed to sleep in, ONE place they call home? I am getting really tired of hearing and reading about how well kids adjust and how "normal" divorce is. This is not normal for me, period. I did not get married for this to happen. The causes of our marital struggles were completely addressable. She made the decision to have an affair and file for divorce. I cannot get through to this woman at all.

So she texts me after I drop the girls off. Apparently my 5 year old tells the xW that I said she wasn't a Christian. I don't think I told her that so succinctly, as I try to choose my words knowing that they hear everything. I probably said something to that effect when it came up that mommy doesn't go to church with us. I got a little lecture about not speaking badly about the other parent, but I will not lie to my kids, ever. If they want an answer to something, I will tell them.

By the way, she asked me to watch the girls for a week over 4th of July. She is planning her life way ahead and I don't believe I play any part in her plans whatsoever - outside of being the babysitter so she can have her cake and eat it too. I am quite seriously getting tired of this routine and am not going to be able to do this long-term. I feel like I am about ready to reconcile without being a [censored], but I don't think that is ever going to happen. I may not be on this site much longer.


Add: Another odd thing happened, too. When I was waiting for her in the parking lot, she waited in her car while I got my daughter's jacket on. I had let them both out of their car seats and they were kinda sitting on my lap. The xW looked at me for a few moments, in the eye, and she didn't have that "I f***ing hate you" look in her eye like she usually does. It was more contemplative. It's probably noting but I took notice.


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Kids have good days and bad days...

I doubt that she is a Christian, because she has chosen to
live in active adultery for so long.
I encourage you to pray Hoseas prayer for her.


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I have been. Interesting text just now. It gives you an idea of what goes on in her head. Here it is:

You haven't provided for them in at least 4 years. Do you think that's Christian-like? I could fill them with all kinds of nonsense as well but I know that doesn't benefit them in any way. I'll just pray God gives you the wisdom to discern what answer will be most helpful to them and in consideration of them only.

She prays? That's rich.

I have not provided for them for 4 years? Here's what I have been doing for 4 years:

Lost my job November 2009. After that...
Sent more resumes than I can count to every single job listing I could find in my field.
Applied to as many stores/retail places I could - WalMart, Target, Aaron's Furniture... LOTS more.
Got regular interviews, but I got passed over every time. Age discrimination maybe? I am very experienced in my field so I dumbed down my resume in case I looked overqualified. Still no offers.
I actually got an interview at WalMart for a janitor position. NO OFFER.

I don't know what she expected me to do. Pull a gun on someone and demand a job? She has no clue what it is like. She has never been unemployed a day in her life. She is self-employed and has a solid customer base, so she has no worries.

When I was first staying with my parents but we were still married, I got a summer contract that paid $12 an hour. We still had a joint account and I put the entire check into that account just to watch her spend it ALL each and every week on preschool. I didn't use ANY of that money on myself - I was still using the cash I had on hand to eat and put gas in my truck. That gig lasted 6 months maybe.

Then nothing again for probably 8 or 10 months (can't remember exactly). Then I got offered this contract position and since then I have been sloooowly saving a bit of a cushion so that I can EAT if/when they arbitrarily decide that I am no longer needed, which CAN happen. At this point I feel like I can pay something in child support, but this is the FIRST time since November 2009 that I have had any kind of an ability to do so. But she thinks "job = endless supply of money" or something. She has NO CLUE what I have been through. Add on top of that the emotional hell she has put me through. She is lucky I am even still here to pay her one stinking nickel. Selfish.. Selfish selfish selfish. She used to call me that, and she was probably right to a degree, but NOTHING like she has been.

I have no words for this last text.

Last edited by BlindsidedNM; 02/04/14 12:07 AM.

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[quote= I am getting really tired of hearing and reading about how well kids adjust and how "normal" divorce is. quote]

Where are you reading that? I would get away from those sources of "information". That's a downer you don't need right now.

Here's an encouraging thought: "Right is right if nobody does it, and wrong is wrong if everybody does it".

Last edited by NeeraZycantel; 02/04/14 11:52 AM.

Me: 46
Wife: 46
Daughter 9
Son 8
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Did you call the child support people?

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Yes, waiting for a callback. Bureaucracy.

I don't know how I lasted that long without a job. I have been off one day and I'm already going crazy.


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Yea staying productive and busy is good

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I have my 2 year old today because she has had a fever and isn't allowed at preschool. When I met the xW to pick her up, I got the usual unhappy, disgusted face from her. No eye contact. Back to normal, I guess.


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She only cares about her affair it seems

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I have some questions for people who have recovered. Since Dr. Harley has distilled things so well in his books. When I read them, they make perfect sense. However, my situation has not been "textbook", regardless of what my friend has told me over and over. At least I don't think it has been - maybe I'm wrong.

What are the signs to look for that my ex wife is emerging from her adulterous fog? How can I tell if she is feeling guilt or remorse? I have been wanting to do something proactive in my situation but I don't know if it will do more harm than good. I have come to the conclusion that I probably never should have been in a Plan B because of her past expectations of me and our relationship. I got some bad advice and followed it, unfortunately. I was so depressed from not working and getting beaten up over it by her that I just let everything happen without standing up for myself.

Anyway, what should I be looking for? She is still leaning on me about money, so I think she is probably not doing well financially. I think that is a source of a lot of her resentment toward me, for whatever reason, even though she brought all this on herself.


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Originally Posted by BlindsidedNM
I have some questions for people who have recovered. Since Dr. Harley has distilled things so well in his books. When I read them, they make perfect sense. However, my situation has not been "textbook", regardless of what my friend has told me over and over. At least I don't think it has been - maybe I'm wrong.

What are the signs to look for that my ex wife is emerging from her adulterous fog? How can I tell if she is feeling guilt or remorse? I have been wanting to do something proactive in my situation but I don't know if it will do more harm than good. I have come to the conclusion that I probably never should have been in a Plan B because of her past expectations of me and our relationship. I got some bad advice and followed it, unfortunately. I was so depressed from not working and getting beaten up over it by her that I just let everything happen without standing up for myself.

Anyway, what should I be looking for? She is still leaning on me about money, so I think she is probably not doing well financially. I think that is a source of a lot of her resentment toward me, for whatever reason, even though she brought all this on herself.



Eh?


You are really putting the cart before the horse here.

First off, you have a finalized divorce. That makes it an uphill battle.

Secondly, you haven't done Plan B. You've done Plan Blindsided every step of the way. You can't blame "bad advice" WHEN YOU DON'T FOLLOW ADVICE.

That's why you get very few posts, YOU DON'T LISTEN.


The reason you were advised to do Plan B has several implications; 1) to protect your health and sanity from her wayward activities 2) to protect her LB$ balance with you from continuing, large deposits, 3) to end any $LB deposits or withdrawals you would make with her, which will only ENABLE the affair, and 3) to allow the affair to die a natural death, unsupported by your contributions.

She's not going to "come out of her adulterous fog." This affair is entrenched, and she is divorced from you. The best you can hope for is for this relationship based on lies and deciet to end, and that you would be given a chance to rebuild a $LB balance with her.

But, that chance gets slimmer with every allowed interaction.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Blind,

re: "I have some questions for people who have recovered. Since Dr. Harley has distilled things so well in his books. When I read them, they make perfect sense. However, my situation has not been "textbook", regardless of what my friend has told me over and over. At least I don't think it has been - maybe I'm wrong."

Those who have recovered did a successful Plan An and Plan B (if it got that far). You have had neither, unfortunately. You've been on Plan Blind. But also remember that even some who have executed a good Plan A and Plan B still did not recover the marriage because the wayward didn't come out of the fog.


re: "What are the signs to look for that my ex wife is emerging from her adulterous fog? How can I tell if she is feeling guilt or remorse?"

I think you're asking the wrong questions.

You are divorced and your WW is showing no signs of coming around. Rather than focusing on her, you need to focus on the options you have without here. Accept that she has divorced you and that you must move forward and begin planning life without her. Until you can do this you will never be healed or whole. And no one, including your ex-wife, will find you attractive if you dwell on the past and cannot grow through this experience. Women are repulsed by men who are desperate, negative, and defeatist. They are attracted to confidence.

Take care of yourself and keep your children a top priority. You are at a crossroads. And YOU get to choose your next route. Let the freedom of that choice empower you. Choose a road that will afford you and your children the most happiness. You may decide to meet someone new when you're ready. Or you can choose to go down the road of self-blame, blaming your Ex, or wallowing in despair, loneliness, and guilt.

Right now I'd say that your paradigm is seen through the lens of what your ex-wife is doing, saying, and thinking. And also on the hard knocks in other areas of your life. Time for a paradigm shift. Free yourself of all that baggage. Write these things down and burn them in your fireplace. Do a cleansing ritual. Change you're attitude and perspective and things will change for you.

But whatever you do, stop giving your WxW your concern.


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What would you suggest? I cannot do a Plan B and I have explained why on several occasions. You all have family and friends to help you - I do not. I have been shut out by EVERYONE. I don't feel I can do a Plan A because she is still seeing the POS. I am listening, but I can't DO anything. I don't know how else to put it. I live alone, I have a contract job that may end or may not. I have nothing other than the weekend visits with my girls. NOTHING. I am not interested in dating anyone and I don't have any free time anyway so I probably couldn't.

I have composed an email, and need your feedback. I have wanted to do a proper Plan B, but maybe I need to put it on her. Here is the email:

-----
"We will need to find an intermediary for the exchange of the girls ASAP, and the same intermediary can act as a communication intermediary. I need to permanently cut off all communication with you. Once that is established I will be blocking your number from my phone and I don�t want to see you in person.

As for the private school - if you wanted the girls to have every advantage in life, I guess you should have thought of that earlier."
-----

I hope the last part wasn't too harsh, but she is wanting to put our 5 year old in a private school, which she can't afford. I don't think I can afford it, either. Of course if we were only paying for ONE house and ONE set of utilities, it would probably be feasible.


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Don't send that e-mail. That is a horrible plan.

You don't want the wayward in control of the intermediary. All that will do is continue the current behavior... with a third person in the middle.

Jedi offered to act as an intermediary for communication, that would be a better deal.

Exchanges can be handled in a different manner which folks can help you brain storm about.


So, put away your "can't" and figure out "how" instead.


FYI; you can Plan A from a distance. But, you see, you are in a Plan B position due to your own decisions based on your own plan from the moment you arrived.

That last line isn't "harsh." It's a disrespectful judgement. It's part of a history of your attitude towards your wife, and how you have posted about her.

Yes, I understand, she is in an active relationship that began as adultery. But, by speaking and reacting to her and about disrespectfuly, you have continued to justify her affair, and you are establishing a habit of disrespecting her.


You want to Plan A? Fine. Eliminate your disrespect and Love Busting tendencies, and for the next 6 months, interact with her Pleasantly and Respectfully. At the end of that 6 month time period, go into Pitch Black Plan B.

Posters can help with that if you will stop, listen, quit arguing, and quit following Plan Blind.

If you continue on as you have for the past year, consider the offer for aid revoked.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Let's say for argument's sake I do a Plan A inasmuch as I can. I would still text her because that it more or less the only way we communicate.

Now let's take other situations, like this past week, and possibly this weekend. The girls have been sick and not allowed in preschool, so I have watched them for 2 days this week since I am on hiatus from this contract. She has gotten sick also, and after I picked up the girls an hour ago, she was planning on going to bed because she works tomorrow. If she is still sick, she said she will reschedule her clients to Sunday, in which case I will keep the girls then, too.

I have always been accommodating to her with respect to the girls. I always want to see them, but at the same time I feel like she does see me as a babysitter so that she can continue the affair. By the way, I see this as an affair, not a relationship. It started as an adulterous affair, and I don't care what a judge says, the Bible says it's still adultery.

Anyway, I haven't been captain happy, juggling and doing magic tricks when we exchange the girls, but I haven't been angry or anything negative, either.



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You would text her in Plan A, because it would include meeting her needs the best you can given the situation.

So, given your non-hypothetical hypothetical - while you had the girls, you would text her and ask how she is feeling; a demonstration of care.

You would engage her in pleasant conversation at any and every opportunity - maybe even create opportunities, like lunch dates.

You would not engage in arguments or disagreements.

You would both be creating, and modeling, how you would behave as a husband should she end her affair and return home.


Plan B would mean NO TEXTS. It would mean all contact, even regarding children, would go through an intermediary - via text, e-mail, etc.

That would mean you would only get pertinent information regarding care of the children, and no longer recieve her complaints about things the kids say etc.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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plan a would mean getting the child support rolling. that is a huge lovebuster and generator of resentment on her part. yes, you have valid reasons for why you're delayed and yes, she caused some of this by abandoning the marriage but in plan a, you do what you can to meet her needs and stop withdrawing from her lovebank.

maybe you're not aware of it but you're probably communicating your disgust with her in a myriad of ways. this is an incredible amount of lovebusting. she will not come back to you even if the affair ends unless she can see something noble, attractive and admirable about you.

plan b would have been great in your case because it would have staunched the bleeding. instead there has been months and months of lovebusting on both sides. the sliver of hope that once existed here is super thin and perhaps non existent at this point.

this is why so many people urged you to focus on yourself and your own life in recovery. you need to become someone she wants to be with again. and if she never chooses to come back at least you're building towards that for yourself and the kids.

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