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Originally Posted By: TooSoonToBeComfortable
I read everything I could get my hands on back then but not for a long time. I agree and actually have gone forward but it was part of our lives and we can now talk about it in more of a matter of fact manner without it being painful.



For you or for her? I would contend it is absolutely a LB'er. I can't imagine she would want to ever talk about it again. I also would contend a strong possibility it is keeping you in the past and preventing the type of love you both want to achieve.

Dwelling on mistakes of the past is a dangerous road to tread...in any capacity. This same energy could be focused on improving your relationship now. Don't you think that would be a positive?

I don't want my FWW to ever think of that POS again. Ya know?







Last edited by 20YearHistory; 02/12/14 11:14 AM.
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Quote:
we can now talk about it in more of a matter of fact manner without it being painful. I think the memories are harder for her than me. I think we will stay together till death now.


You shouldn't be talking about it at all at this point.


Markos' Wife
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It is rare we talk about it at all, but something triggered the discussion. I now feel like I have learned the balance of the unknown pieces of the affair.


Married 20 yrs at time of affair DD: 1/16/04 NC: Since 4/14/04 FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months. MC: For Awhile Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends. Progress: Doing very well.
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I think with her sharing the last bit of information with me that she shared, she feels good to have cleared her conscious and I am glad to have learned the unknown details. If there is more to the story, then she will have to tell me if and when she ever does. I have addressed everything with her in the past but she could never explain to me how she knew where the guy lived. Now I understand why since she had gone there before and she got the back rub. I will listen if she wants to share more with me but I don't think there is more. Thanks everyone for your comments.


Married 20 yrs at time of affair DD: 1/16/04 NC: Since 4/14/04 FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months. MC: For Awhile Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends. Progress: Doing very well.
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Originally Posted By: 20YearHistory
Originally Posted By: TooSoonToBeComfortable
Actually Lifetime, I never felt I had learned all the information about the affair but I have leaned more as time went on.


What is it that you want to know? How is knowing this information going to help your R?

Are you following all of the steps in SAA?

Are you both practicing radical honesty?

What you are doing now by questioning her is a LB'er. It puts the images of 'him' back in her head and it triggers you.

Having too much detail can actually work against your R.

Anytime the A is brought up it will bring you back to day 1. I try to ask myself before I bring up any topic or complaint 'how is this going to improve our M'.


What is a BH to do when he never got his questions asked and answered?

When the WW minimized what went on. Then every few years a new bit of truth is trickled out.

The way a WW can refuse to tell what happened the BH can refuse to be left in the dark.

Last edited by TheRoad; 02/12/14 08:32 PM.
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Thanks Road, I would bet there are tons of info withheld from betrayed spouses everyday. There are no perfect ways to end affairs, save marriages, and get all the information from the betrayer. Every case is similar but they have different personalities. My wife is an introvert and is used to keeping things inside and to herself.


Married 20 yrs at time of affair DD: 1/16/04 NC: Since 4/14/04 FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months. MC: For Awhile Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends. Progress: Doing very well.
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TooSoon,

What I have a difficult time believing is that a woman can have such profound feelings of love and all consuming passion and not get physical.

Another question is that if WW is still withholding that the affair was physical can we really have a recovered marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 02/12/14 09:41 PM.
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That is a good question and if it happened, there are only two people that know about it. If it happened, my fww will likely take it to her grave. Our marriage is doing ok but it is different than before the affair. I used to put her on a pedistal and would have never thought she would do what she did, but she did it. She is imperfect as I am. I have decided to simply move forward and to keep my family intact. If she would ever do it again, I would not try and save the marriage. It is too hard and painful as so many of you know. Betrayed spouses are always on the short end of the stick. It is unfair, but true.


Married 20 yrs at time of affair DD: 1/16/04 NC: Since 4/14/04 FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months. MC: For Awhile Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends. Progress: Doing very well.
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Gamma:

"What I have a difficult time believing is that a woman can have such profound feelings of love and all consuming passion and not get physical."

My belief was or is the same as your statement. I always believed she had sex with the OM. She was 44 yrs old and he was 28 yrs old at the time. She claims the relationship built over time at work, lunches and then on to movies etc. She maintains the touchy feely happened slowly since both were feeling out the relationship. She was the older woman and he was the young guy but their relationship grew. She said the kissing and touching started and within 2 months I busted up the affair. She maintains she is sure the relationship would have evolved into a physical relationship but it just hadn't happened yet. There is a chance she didn't have sex with the OM. I took her back assuming she did and I believed she did even though she denied it. Logic tells me she did, and if she did, maybe she will admit it to me someday.


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It is obvious that she did have sex with him. You know she did.

I assume EPs are in place to prevent anything happening again? And no contact has been maintained? If so, there is no need to drag information out of her that you already know to be true.

Further discussion of the affair would be disastrous at this point, and pointless as well since you have decided that you would stay with her even if it were sexual.

You need to be focused on recovery, instead. How is your UA?


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Originally Posted By: TooSoonToBeComfortable
Gamma:

"What I have a difficult time believing is that a woman can have such profound feelings of love and all consuming passion and not get physical."

My belief was or is the same as your statement. I always believed she had sex with the OM. She was 44 yrs old and he was 28 yrs old at the time. She claims the relationship built over time at work, lunches and then on to movies etc. She maintains the touchy feely happened slowly since both were feeling out the relationship. She was the older woman and he was the young guy but their relationship grew. She said the kissing and touching started and within 2 months I busted up the affair. She maintains she is sure the relationship would have evolved into a physical relationship but it just hadn't happened yet. There is a chance she didn't have sex with the OM. I took her back assuming she did and I believed she did even though she denied it. Logic tells me she did, and if she did, maybe she will admit it to me someday.



I hope she is not using the Clinton defense of I did not have sex with that women defense.

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LOL, it depends on the meaning of is, is!


Married 20 yrs at time of affair DD: 1/16/04 NC: Since 4/14/04 FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months. MC: For Awhile Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends. Progress: Doing very well.
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BrainHurts:

I was listening to an audio I thought you posted which references "when to know when your spouse is telling the truth, in spite of all the past lies, etc". It was a 2 part audio from the Harley's radio show. I got busy at work and I had to delete it and now I can't find it at all. Do you remember the shows and do you still have the links? Someone else might have posted it but you seem to post links from the radio show so I am thinking you had posted them. Thanks in advance.

TooSoon


Married 20 yrs at time of affair DD: 1/16/04 NC: Since 4/14/04 FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months. MC: For Awhile Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends. Progress: Doing very well.
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