My husband, I believe, is in a depression. He is 27 and I am 24. We have been together for nearly 6 years and married for 6 months. Over the last month he became increasingly distant. He stopped sleeping in the bed, stopped kissing me, stopped asking me for rides to and from work (we have one car), stopped asking about my day and wouldn't answer questions about his, etc.

He told me one night he didn't know what he wanted anymore. Then a week later he said he was done, that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He said he has checked out of the relationship. He told me he wants a divorce. That he doesn't want to hang out with me, doesn't want to have sex with me, doesn't want to be with me. He also wants to move far away.

We have had a lot, a lot of stress in life. He has also switched jobs about every 4 months in the last year and he hasn't finished school or done things he has always wanted to do. We struggled to communicate there for a while and things were very, very hard. He does not want to reconcile or try to save our marriage. He will not try counseling or try to do anything to save it.

I went on a trip that the both of us were supposed to go on (alone) and when I returned he had all my things packed up and all of our pictures taken down from the wall and kindly asked me to stay at my parent's house because he was going to push through with the divorce.

This was 2 weeks ago. He hasn't filed, but I have convinced him to let me move back in the house. I went because I thought space would be good for him, but I don't think it has helped. He isn't taking care of himself and he hasn't changed his mind at all. He agreed to live together with no romantic relationship and with us splitting the cost of living (he paid all of it before as I am a full time student).

I have heard of this sort of thing happening before. Now I have an opportunity to be present with him and help him see that he can have a happy life with me and that he needs to find his internal happiness. What sorts of things can I do to facilitate his falling in love with me and his being happy again?

Please do not tell me to divorce him. He is a wonderful person who is going through something terrible and it's difficult for me. If he were to reconcile with me, I would require us to get some counseling and work really hard at our marriage or else I couldn't stay. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul.

What sorts of things can I do to soften his heart if he is resistant and doesn't want a romantic relationship at all with me??? Just letting me live near him is a sign there is something still in his heart, believe me.

I fear there is someone else, but at the same time my husband wouldn't even look at another woman and he didn't even have celebrity crushes. I worry it's porn... He locked his phone as he distanced himself.

When a spouse locks their phone, there is usually an active affair.
Does he have opposite sex friendships?
Do you have any idea who she is?

Dr. Harley would encourage you to investigate for any evidence of an affair.
If you have a computer, you can install a keylogger software on it.
Do you have access to the cell phone bill to check for texts and phone calls?

Can you afford a PI? They can find out quickly if there is an affair

no, he is honestly not even the type to have crushes or friends who are women. i was worried that he locked it for porn or for him talking with his friends about wanting to divorce me. when i asked him he said it was because his coworkers would read his texts....

Does he backup the phone to a computer software? Such as Itunes?

He does not. There is a 4 digit code to unlock his phone.

Does he use a computer at home?
Can you afford a PI?

Clean the face of his phone. Wait a day. The four digits will be heavily fingerprinted. From there you can guess the sequence.

okay. i will do that. I'm mostly interested in what I can do to soften his heart to me again.

If he is in an active affair, you cannot restore romantic love until the affair dies a natural death.
The best way to speed that up is to investigate, gather evidence and expose.

During this time, you should also be in Plan A.
Try to meet his emotional needs.

The guide is found in the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley.

Welcome and I agree you need to find out if he's having an affair and with whom.

Please read.
Surviving an Affair-Start Here First

Welcome to MB Yayas.

Unfortunately reading your post I'm certain your husband is having an affair. His behaviour and comments indicate this ...all waywards follow a script/pattern of behaviour.

I agree with Brain and Jedi you need to verify he is having an affair (A) and with whom. There is a possibility that it is with a co-worker given his comment that he locked his phone "so his co-workers couldn't read his texts" BTW when spouse's lock their phone this is an indicator that they are in an active A and don't want their spouse seeing their texts.

Please read the link posted by Brain above, this will help guide you. It is important to not let onto your WH (wayward husband) that you know about the A, otherwise he will take it underground and make it harder for you to confirm. Whilst verifying you need to Plan A (in the link) your WH. It is important that you present a positive image in his mind.

Once you have verified we can help you with the next steps to help you save your M (marriage) and help you heal.

We are here to help and support you.

Distance
No longer sleeping with you
No more affection for you
Refusing to be transparent with you


When a spouse says "I love you but I'm not in love with you," it means there is a new point of comparison. This is really big

That he doesn't even want to fix your relationship, but is rather seeking a divorce, doesn't want to be with you is also a really big


The fact that he doesn't want to try and save the marriage at all is another


You need to be there so you can snoop very quietly and find out what's REALLY going on with him. Don't let him do this to you again, okay?


This is all very alarming behavior for a married man.


What you need to do now is to snoop quietly and eliminate any love busters that you may be doing. Do your best to meet his emotional needs as much as he will allow.



The first thing you need to do is to rule out an affair. Every thing you have posted points to an affair. So rule that out first. Find a way to get into his phone, email, Facebook. Find out who he hangs out with and where he's going. Don't ask him; he will more than likely lie, and you will have tipped him off about your suspicions.


Yes, stay in your home and avoid all love busters. Have you read up on love busters and emotional needs?


Yayas, we are all wired to have affairs, and if we don't make an actual effort to avoid an affair, we would all likely have one. Affairs are very very common; about 60% of all marriages suffer the tragedy of an affair, so please don't think your marriage is immune to the possibility because he's never had a celebrity crush. Porn doesn't have all these red flags - there are others, but these all point to an affair.

So, for the sake of your marriage, snoop quietly and see what you can find. Don't plead or beg; just be a great wife and look good, smell good, make sure your home looks nice. Create an inviting environment.

Do you have children together?

Yayas, I forgot to add but can see from Long's post it's been pointed out.

Unless precautions are put into place to avoid having A, everyone is at risk of having an A. People have A when poor boundaries are in place. Many BS (betrayed spouse) have been shocked to discover their husband/wife is in an A, they never thought it possible and for many it is their first A.

Marriages are vulnerable to an A when precautions are not in place and the spouses blindly trust each other, thinking they will not have an A and neither will their spouse. Sadly we've all learned this important fact after the event.

This terrifies me!!! He keeps his phone with him and he changed all his passwords... I don't think there is any way of me seeing if he is communicating with another woman.

Can you afford a PI?
They can find out quickly

Where does he hang out a lot? Along with considering hiring a PI(which is your fastest way to find out what's going on,) you could purchase a VAR and put it where it's most possible he COULD be with someone else. You said you have just one car. How else does he get around? Is he at the house a lot?

Take a look at the Operation Investigate forum for more ideas. Waywards get notoriously sloppy about covering up their tracks, especially if you act like you are oblivious. Be shrewd about this and get the goods.

Then come back here.

What is a VAR?

He walks everywhere. He does spend time at the house, especially now that I wasn't living there. I move back tomorrow so we will see. He works a lot and is gone frequently.

A VAR is a voice-activated recorder.

Can you go to where he works and find out what's going on and who are his co-workers? If he is walking everywhere, does that mean he works close to home?

You see, the problem is that if he's having an affair, and there are lots of red flags that point to one, you will be unable to win him back until the affair is dead.

That's why we want you to do everything you can to find out what he's doing when he's not with you. No one wants to find out there's an affair, but it's valuable information you need to have.

Move back home, and don't move out again until you are ready for Plan B or divorce. Can you hire a PI? They'd be able to find out something solid pretty quickly.

And don't feel bad about snooping. If every marriage was completely transparent, it would make an affair virtually impossible. Married people should make their lives an open book anyway - shared passwords, phones that can be looked at any time, no secrets.

My husband wants to talk tonight about something. He has told me he wants a divorce (see other threads for details if you want). It was very sudden and what I believe to be the result of an existential crisis rather than dissatisfaction in our marriage. It's both, I'm sure, but he won't do counseling or try to save our short marriage. We have been married 6 months.

I just moved back into our apartment because he is "allowing" me to live back there because my name is on the lease. I paid half of the rent for the month. We sleep in different rooms.

This morning he asked me if I could come up with half of the money to get out of our lease, about $1600. I am a student and I technically could, but it would be all of my money and I don't want to contribue to the breakup in any way. I am trying to save our marriage by myself using the Divorce Remedy and the Last Resort Technique and other principles I have read about on the reconciliation forums such as the 180 and others.

I don't know what my response should be in this situation that would be appropriate with what I'm trying to do. I want him to be happy and I want him to figure things out but he doesn't have to destroy me financially and break my heart in the process!!!!