Just wanted to toss this out there, regarding the 'feelings' Ws's have for their Affair Partners (don't know if we'll get many WS to chime in on this?):

Are there 'stages' or phases of the feelings? Seeing how after exposure it seems to begin with protecting the AP, then what? Ambivalence? Realization of the AP being a scumball/skank? Ever lead to disgust/hatred for the AP?

Does Dr. H discuss anywhere the changes in the view the WS has toward the AP -- from the start of the affair, through exposure, and years on through recovery?

Thanks to you all!

February of 2013 was "D" day for my BS and I. My affair lasted about 9 weeks.
A year later, I have many feelings and emotions - for the POSOM, I only feel disgust. For myself I'm still struggling with self-loathing & hatred. For my BH - that's where it's the worst - sadness, regret, pain, but it's mixed with all the gratitude & admiration I have for him, his strength and character, and our love ~ I'm simply grateful for the love.

Yes. But it's not the answer you want.

If an affair ends the right way, often times the AP will still have a positive $LB balance. That is the reason that NC for life is advised.


Step away for a second, and just think of it in Love Bank terms.


Personally, I don't give a damn how she feels about turd-bag. I care how she feels about ME, and I can contribute to that by keeping up UA, avoiding Love Busters, and meeting her emotional needs in the most meaningful way I possibly can.

Hi. I think it can be very individual.

In my case, my wife left me and I had two affairs. A year later my wife and I were together again. This happened 20 years ago and we are stronger today than we ever were before our split.

I feel ashamed and regret having not waited and settled myself emotionally. Instead I acted like a teenager. I can excuse myself saying I was a 40-year-old rejected by my wife, mid-life crisis and all that self pity stuff. But I was a 40-year-old teenage jerk.

The one affair died before it really got going, but in the other one, she cut me off. She was hurt. That's what I am ashamed of.

My feelings towards her are that I wish we had just been friends, then she would not have been hurt.

Now my wife's boyfriend was an abusive individual. I spoke to 3 of his ex-girlfriends and all 3 had the same story. Charming until they felt secure in their relationship, then he relaxed the Mr Niceguy act and became his abusive self. My wife didn't believe me when I told her.

When he became abusive my wife wanted to come back, and work on our marriage. I was hurt deeply during our separation and struggled with my feelings. On the one hand I didn't want her near me, but I still loved her. Love is probably the most complex emotion we have. We had our 3 young children to think about as well.

In our case we both had by then the same opinion of that slime ball who had slithered out of some sordid cesspool. It helped that my wife agreed with me on that point.

I think HoldHerHand summed it up well, to meet her emotional needs in the most meaningful way you can.

What happened happened. We can't change the past, but we can choose how to go forward. Learning from our mistakes makes us stronger. The most valuable things we have in life are our relationships.

If the affair dies a natural death, as Sue's affair did with Greg...then there is no LB balance left.

In his book, Harley said the affair partners had the final "fight of all fights".....

and she returned to Jon only because she was heavily depressed and could barely function.