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Originally Posted by Bluebeck
My posts are cryptic because I'm on my phone guess its a habit thing. Must read that section again. Her kids too young for FB. The ex has a closed profile due to job, will not accept friend request.

You wouldn't want to friend reequest him! If you found him can you sign out and see if you can see his account? He may have you blocked. You need to get his friends list. Can you see that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do you have the books Love Busters and also Surviving an Affair?

If not, please get them today.

While you are working on busting up this A and exposing, you have to stop love busting her. Why would she want to be with someone so disrespectful to her?

You have to be calm and cool. Don't ever have another angry outburst again.

Also, if you don't listen to MB Radio, please do so. There is a phone app and you can listen to the daily broadcasts that loop until the next day.

Right now best you can do is try to expose and break up the A and DO NOT LOVE BUST HER! Focus on yourself.






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As I understand it you do not have kids. I just want to check that you want to save this marriage despite that fact.

While marriage is marriage regardless of kids, and the unfaithful spouse knows that vows made before God and the community should be honoured, there is a sense in which the existence of children usually creates an additional powerful dilemma for the unfaithful spouse. An unfaithful parent knows that she should not be breaking up the children's home and family, and sees and has to ignore the heartbreak in the children's faces if they insist on doing so. Family and friends are likely to put strong pressure on the unfaithful parent to think about their kids, and if that parent can bring themselves to do so, they know that the affair partner is the worst stepparent (a difficult enough role) that they could inflict on their kids. They know that their kids will have a bad effect on the new love-nest, that the new relationship all be beset with conflict and that, simply, they should stop their affair and rebuild the marriage.

When there are no kids, the unfaithful spouse might not feel any of those dilemmas, and neither in this day and age might their extended family. They family might argue that if the way wards is unhappy then it's best to start again. Without strong social pressure to rebuild the marriage, the wayward has nobody to tell them that they are on a path to hell.

So looking at it from her point of view rather than yours, if she is pretty much out of the door, having convinced herself to eat pray and love her own happiness, there is very little to pull her back in.

With her seeming to have finished with the marriage (rather than being conflicted and unhappy at hurting you), you have an unequal struggle on your hands to bring her back to it. Do you want to try and do so?


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Sorry the ex is his ex. His ex is on Fb with a closed profile. No love busting and staying calm has been my mission even when she goads me. Every time I slip I try to try a little harder each time. I will keep at it with getting the OM and keep fighting the fog

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Originally Posted by Bluebeck
Sorry the ex is his ex. His ex is on Fb with a closed profile. No love busting and staying calm has been my mission even when she goads me. Every time I slip I try to try a little harder each time. I will keep at it with getting the OM and keep fighting the fog

Great on the effort!

However you are in for the fight of your life. You can't afford to make any more LB withdraws like you are doing. None. Each time you do, you validate her decision to get away from you.

Most likely your account with her is in the red. If you doing the things that made her lose her love for you in the first place, you stand little chance of winning her back.

Showing her that you CAN and WILL change creating a different future can help motivate her to try.

Believe me I know...





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Sugarcane yes I want to save this marriage. Kids a major issue for us. A failed pregnancy and subsequent inability to ever have kids has been the start of problems between us. One thing that keeps the friendship going when the love is missing is family. She has nieces that adore us both and we adore them and under all the issues even if we were to part our ways she would never have me lose contact.

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While I applaud your efforts to save your marriage, I also suggest you start to protect yourself legally. What do your laws have to say about divorce due to adultery, for example?


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Will look at 'mim'. Law states divorce for adultery has a 6 month limit unless affair is continuing.

Arguing that you find affair unacceptable especially as it coincided with her decision to seperate regardless of me not giving her enough attention (even though she told me on many occasions I was ignorant). Is this a love buster or me fighting through her fog?

May have to further research legal options as I reminded her we are still married and it is adultery. So she brought up divorce which I refused! Need to expose OM as she is seeming less secretive about it now. That or the wine she's drunk!

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Originally Posted by Bluebeck
Arguing that you find affair unacceptable especially as it coincided with her decision to seperate regardless of me not giving her enough attention (even though she told me on many occasions I was ignorant). Is this a love buster or me fighting through her fog?

The reason your wife wants to [pretend] "separate" is so she will be free to carry on her affair. She is saying she didn't get enough attention to justify her affair and blame it on you. The reason she is having an affair is because she has pisspoor boundaries around men..

If getting attention from you is her problem, does it make any sense she would go out of her way to avoid you in a pretend "separation?" Do you not see how irrational that is?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It also seems she keeps putting the 'just leave' or 'let's divorce' balls in my court so if I do follow through with either the blame is back on me.

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Originally Posted by Bluebeck
It also seems she keeps putting the 'just leave' or 'let's divorce' balls in my court so if I do follow through with either the blame is back on me.

At this point, you need to focus on exposure.
Divorce is a natural consequence of adultery; if she wants to play the role of an adulteress then divorce may be the only option left to you.

However, you need to expose to give this a shot at saving before pulling the plug.

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How old are the nieces you mention?
When you expose, they need exposed to also (if they are older than 5)

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Nieces are under 5 and most family and people of influence are out of town. I may have come to the exposure too late and only getting a 'trickle' effect. Struggling to expose OM and feel I'm fighting a losing battle. I will strive to remain calm and hang in there as she's trying to get me to make the decisions so she can lay blame at my door.

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After reading some of the previous posts I realise I have not exposed affair as much as I can. She has threatened divorce, sell the house end our friendship. But not even thought about ending affair, even says she doesnt care who knows. So I have tried again using the template letter in 'Exposure 101' and reached out to close friends and family. Otherwise I'm still looking at divorce or a shambles of a marriage!

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Have you done a proper facebook exposure? This is war and unfortunately the affair and your wife are your enemies. You need to plan an assault on this affair to have a chance at saving your marriage. Take some time (not too much) and plot out all exposure targets. Friends, family, kids if you have them and Church if you go. However, don't forget about POSOM side as well exposure is a two pronged attack that works when used without anger and warnings.

Darkguy #2789567 03/18/14 06:13 AM
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Messaged all I could that could have influence. Already been messaged by her sister who knows all that's happening saying she didn't think it was a good idea. But wife already told her there were marriage issues before admitting affair. I'm working late tonight, may well find myself locked out.

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Put a gps tracker in her car and follow her the next time she hooks up with the POSOM. Confront him and tell him its over.

After doing that, you will need to take a stand with your wife. Tell her you will not tolerate her having an affair. You will have to separate for real. Normally, I would say don't leave the house. Make her leave since she is the one having an affair. But since the house is in her name, you will have to leave. Since she is not working, she won't be able to pay the mortgage. That is one of the costs of the affair.

I don't think lovebusters has been your biggest problem. Your biggest problem is that you have enabled the affair by not setting limits with your wife. Confronting her about the affair is not lovebusting. Being upset about it isn't love busting, unless you had angry outbursts or levied disrespectful judgments.

So to recap: 1) Confront the other man and let him know that you make his life hell if he doesn't stay away from your wife. No excuses on this. You can easily find him if you honestly try. 2) Time for an ultimatum. She leaves POSOM or you leave her. Time to man up. No more [censored] footing.

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Also, buy a VAR to catch her angry outburst. Stay calm, cool, and collected and if she is angry and asks why you did this. Just say your are trying to save your marriage. Remember don't fight fire with fire, you will find yourself in jail if you do. If she gets physical call the police. Her sister doesn't know how to save marriages so don't worry about her reactions. Who did you expose to on POSOM's side?

Darkguy #2789577 03/18/14 07:28 AM
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POSOM, only been able to expose to his ex wife and hoping she will pass on more info to me and his side. Only managed to get a message via cell telling him he may have ruined his marriage but I'm going to fight for mine, told him I don't know where he lives yet or I would confront him myself. 6+ years marriage and twice that in friendship. Not time yet to walk away. And note the anger is coming out here so I can remain calm later! Got 8 hours of work before I face the wife

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Originally Posted by Bluebeck
Nieces are under 5 and most family and people of influence are out of town.

WE don't care if they are out of town. That makes absolutely no difference at all. All you do is call or email these family members.

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I may have come to the exposure too late and only getting a 'trickle' effect.

Better a trickle than none at all. That was not intended to be an excuse to avoid exposeure entirely.

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Struggling to expose OM and feel I'm fighting a losing battle.


Yes, you are fighting a losing battle if you won't expose to the OM's contacts.

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I will strive to remain calm and hang in there as she's trying to get me to make the decisions so she can lay blame at my door.

That is a good idea. But it won't help the situation if you don't expose this affair. You have to be much more proactive than you have been if you want to make it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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