I was thinking the same thing. Are you sure that she isn't having an A or hasn't had one? Her response of not wanting to know and not wanting to expose is a huge red flag. Highly abnormal for a BS. Something is fishy.

How are things mane?

hi everyone.. here I am again after a long silence..

some quick updates, to get the discussion rolling again. Three weeks ago my wife, supported by everyone in her family, took the very courageous decision to join me back here in K-stan (for which I'll be eternally grateful). It's a temporary thing, allow our son to finish school, meanwhile I am looking for another job.

Up to last 25th March nothing really happened, we exchanged a few emails and were barely able to talk on the phone or on skype..

Last week we met in Amsterdam and we stayed there 2 days with the purpose of restarting contacts from a brand new place for both of us, trying to avoid the difficult topics as much as possible. My personal feedback: it actually went fine, although it was visible at times she was struggling to have me anywhere close.

On Saturday and Sunday last week we were already at home in KZ and, also, tried to make it a 'smooth' time. Also, last Sunday was her birthday, so I woke up early in the morning and made her a nice breakfast, we sang happy birthday with the children, then I cooked for her a special lunch, bought a dozen red roses ans spent the day quietly and nicely.

This week, though, things have deteriorated sharply... For Monday night, as suggested and agreed with Steve H., we have planned a big discussion where I was to sit in front of her and go through all details of my affair from day 1 till the end.. I has been hard for both of us, but of course what Maggie felt and endured during this talk was unbelievably painful and at some point she just could not take it anymore and left the room. The next day she's been begging me to just leave her and let her alone. On Wednesday night we had another chat with Steve, who gave us a few more suggestions to finish up the discussion and tonight Maggie wanted me to tell her the rest of my story...
We got to the end but the outcome was utterly tragic and her reaction was even worse than that of the first night.
She locked herself up in the bathroom and cried inconsolably for hours, destroyed my birthday present and the cards I gave her these days..

I have been feeling so badly about this stupid affair for the past two months while we were separated, but having seen her reactions these days when I told her all those details, really made me feel like I do not deserve being on this planet. I have been a horrible person and made a lot of horrible things for no purpose at all. My gosh, how crazy this all has been..

I know the purpose of this process of taking Maggie through the details of the affair and, I believe, she does too, bus she's in so much pain right now and I feel like crap for destroying her all over again..

How do I make her feel any better, how do I help her now?

Flood me with suggestions please....

You need to give her what she deserves. The husband that will take care of her with extraordinary care and live by EPs.

Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

Is she on any form of ADs?

Recovery from an affair is a long and difficult process. It starts with your wife knowing the entire truth, as much as she wants to know. Now there are no secrets.

Can she get on ADs for a while? They will help to take the edge off the extreme emotional reactions she is likely to feel. It doesn't need to be forever.

Do all you can to make home appealing enough to get her to stay with you. Eliminate every single love buster. Make sure you are scheduling time to be with her every single week - 20 to 25 hours as a minimum for recovery. Make sure these dates with her are fun and enjoyable. And by yourselves.

Meet any ENs she will allow you to meet. Make sure you look your best.

Now that the truth is out in front of her, do not talk about the affair. It's really really common for a BS to bring it up a lot. Always gently guide the conversation back out again into more pleasant topics. My H often had to gently tell me that we needed to follow the plan, that he didn't want to talk about the mistakes of the past. He'd tell me he was sorry for all the pain he had brought into our lives and then change the subject. Then I had to force myself to stop talking about it.

Hopefully, with you and your wife working with Steve, she will understand how very destructive any anger will be and she will do her utmost to avoid being angry with you.

Recovery is hard. But the reward, a recovered marriage that is better than ever, with both of you in love with each other, makes the extreme effort worthwhile.

I'm happy to read your post Mane, and to read that Maggie and you are back under the same roof together.

I had to run to the bathroom or bedroom and have a wail session many times. I was unable to stop it when it overcame me (not sure about other BS). It just kind of "descended" on me.

Here is what started to help me: My husband finally GOT it (took him a while), and then I noticed that he was focusing 100% on MY recovery rather than on his feelings. He would drop everything to come to me and read the bible out loud when he noticed that I started to get quiet. He would make me nutritious food that I liked (not his normal microwave yuck) when I hadn't eaten. He made sure that I took my medication. He caressed and rubbed on me often. He told me over and over that he only wanted me, and (much more importantly) he backed up his words by his ACTIONS.

You will be learning in the next couple of months how Maggie needs to be taken care of. You will start to notice what actions get through and help her.

(Very) gradually, those horrible feelings slow down and are REPLACED by our spouse giving us NEW memories so that we can draw on those and use them to remind ourselves that "he is a different man now".

You can find a way to look past your own remorse for now, and you can take CARE of Maggie in ways that you did not do before. You can show her that you are changing yourself. You two WILL heal in time by learning to work together.

Her reaction is just so normal. We all get it. The pain is indescribable - like a hot poker in the soul. Now you know why we are so twitchy about potential affairs.

It's bad but it's good. The start of healing. If you follow the plan to a tee. That's the best way. The only way.

I think it is good that you went through a full "confession." Reconciliation is based on truth and honesty coupled with authentic remorse and a sincere promise to never repeat the transgression again.

Certainly your wife was deeply hurt by what you have done. You have betrayed her, and hurt the one who loved you most. But now that you told her the truth, she can begin to trust you more because you are not hiding anything from her.

Congratulations on being reunited. Now begins the work of just compensation.

Please read and listen to the clips in here.
What is Just Compensation?

Thank you, Brainy! Always the reliable one.

You're welcome.

How is the plan going to get her out of K-Stan?

I think that is one of the most important measures which will have the most effect on her mood and on recovery..