Men and women think very differently, but this is one reason that makes joint marital decisions made enthusiastically so valuable. She sees a situation with her filters and you see it with yours. Your view isn't better than hers is; it's different. That's why the POJA is so brilliant a way to make decisions.

Lecturing and badgering your wife into agreement with your view point is very disrespectful, as you have discovered. It doesn't endear you to her and it probably doesn't change her mind about the situation either.

The Harleys recently discussed listening on their radio show. Dr. Harley said so many people are just keeping quiet, waiting for their turn to speak - for the other person to stop talking - they're not really listening at all.

They discussed how important it is to listen with goodwill and not be trying to formulate a rebuttal.

When you talk over conflicts with your wife, just keep in mind the goodwill - that you WANT her to win. Don't try to bend her to your way; it won't make her love you more, and, in fact, will likely cause her to love you less.

An affair is such a disaster and so common that we need to all we possibly can to prevent ourselves from being tempted. The best way to stay away from temptation is to spend every night together and have a great marriage.

Even if neither of you has an affair (but keep in mind that 60% of all marriage face this disaster,) travel and/or long hours on a job whittle away at the strength and happiness of marriage. They prevent couples from spending time together meeting each others needs.

We would never go back to the way we were before, living parallel, independent lives from each other. Our recovered marriage is incredibly rewarding to both of us. We don't like to be separated for even a night. My H has stopped even going to mens religious retreats, because he'd simply rather be with me.

Better than figuring out a way to give your wife financial support in the event of an affair is to make sure an affair can't happen in the first place. And the best way to do that is to be home every night and build a strong wonderful transparent marriage by meeting each other needs and eliminating love busters.

Yes we have. Her top needs were affection & conversation. I have done a pretty good job showering her with affection since then but not so good with conversation. I did just order a game called "Table Topics for couples" though that is full of conversation starters. I'm hoping this will be helpful to get things started and have fun. I love talking with her, I just don't always know what to talk about.

Well, if my wife read what you just wrote, she would probably say, "YES! That's exactly how I feel". I'm going to be honest here though and say that I struggle with this one. I am not the prototypical guy that just comes home and plops on the couch after work expecting dinner to be ready. I still help out a tremendous amount around the house. The only thing I do for myself is to get up at 4am and run before anyone else is awake. The rest of the time, I am either non-stop working or helping at home. It is exhausting.

I think her contention is that she wants me to shift more of my workload to taking care of our daughter when I get home, and less on household chores. I really don't have a problem doing this but her requests are very vague and I don't always specifically know what to do. She won't tell me that I've done something (or not done something) that she doesn't expect until we get into any kind of disagreement and she vaguely tells me that I don't do enough.

To be honest, it can be infuriating because of the level of effort I put in. Most of the husbands that I know are deadbeats when it comes to helping at home, and most of their wives still have to work! I guess I just feel like I don't get credit for the effort.

I don't know, I suppose I'm wrong and I need to mash the accelerator even harder. It just feels very tough to keep up all the time.

Point well taken. I didn't mean to imply that I wouldn't take every step to keep it from happening. But similar to the way that I'm going to do everything possible to make sure that I don't die, I still like to have an insurance policy

Moral of the story, my goal will be to figure out how to eliminate or severely reduce nights apart. If it does have to happen a few times a year, maybe I can just bring her with me.

You should both benefit from setting up a UA calendar.

You sound a bit like my husband. Up between 3:30 am and 4 pm and off to work around 5 am. Long office hours. Very earnest about things he gets focused to do.

I'd learned to compartmentalize my world between home and office. I'd limit my conversation about my day to protect myself from being one upped over who's day was harder. Of course his day was harder, he's a doctor. And after all I was the one with the luxury of being home most the time dealing w/domestic and family responsibilities.

But if I were to complain my husband would not show empathy. He'd act confused. He could not relate because after all it was such a luxury to be home. This made me feel more alone.

Also this issue you don't know what to do to take care of your daughter is often a kind of topic of conversation amongst women.

Women wish their husbands knew how to pitch in w/out having to give details. Why would she feel this way? Why does it upset me when my husband asks me this type of question? "What do you need me to do?" is exactly what he says. Drives me nuts.

Because it feels like we have been totally abandoned when our husbands do not contribute their thoughts and ideas into the mix. I'd argue I do not have all the answers. I want you to have some skin in the game too.

I appreciate your wife is not helping by not recognizing when she needs help from you and when she needs to accept help to care for your daughter. That's a challenge for you.

The way Dr. Harley addresses the need for domestic support and family commitment is very interesting.

Domestic support: Every task that must be accomplished is written down in a list. (The workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love has a worksheet designed for this.) Each spouse indicates who WANTS to do that task, then who really wants it done, and which tasks can be accomplished together.

Dr. Harley would encourage you both to be very specific in your list. You would both agree enthusiastically who will be doing each task. If you do a few of "her" tasks, that will likely deposit love units and she will appreciate that you have taken care of one of her jobs.

Same thing with Family Commitment.

I'm sure you mean well, but that you work hard and don't plop down in front of the television or computer doesn't make your wife's complaints less legitimate.

Set aside some time this week to work on the list of tasks and figure out exactly who will be doing what together. Make sure each of you is enthusiastic about the outcome.

In the meantime, ask your wife for specific tasks she needs help with. But when/if you agree to do these tasks, make sure you are either happy doing the task or happy with the outcome of doing the task. MB isn't about sacrifice.

Many wives may get upset that they have to be so specific, but men often don't see the house in the same way their wives do.

Hmm...certainly though those same women might suffer from a similar ailment when it comes to other tasks? Do you ever feel discomfort at not knowing how to fix stuff around house, yard work, kill spiders, haggle with the car salesman, do the taxes, pay the bills, defend against outside influences that require strength and force, lift heavy stuff, grill meat, start a fire, build something, or bearing all of the financial burden on your shoulders?

I realize that not all women are the same but I think in marriage you can have complementary skill sets to accomplish what needs to be done in life. My child rearing skills are simply not as honed as my wife's are. Does that mean I don't want to help take care of our daughter? Of course not! But I don't intrinsically know where the diapers are kept, what types of foods I should prep for her, or what clothes I should put her in.

What I can do however is make a more concerted effort to learn these things and learn what tasks will best support her on a daily basis. And to your point, lend my own ideas and support where appropriate.

I never said her complaints were not legitimate. I simply described my basic emotional reaction. That doesn't mean those emotions become an angry outburst (though it might have in the past). Now, I would normally just express my frustration and let her know that I need more direction on what will make her happy.

Your points and suggestions though are very valid and well taken. Both my wife and I are guilty of repeating a cycle of sacrifice until our taker's get ticked off and want their due. I've got a growing list of to-do's and will add the task list you suggested to it.

As an update on the general home-front, things have gotten significantly better between us and we have effectively reconnected over the last few days. I've got a kind of action plan going for things we need to work on (thanks to everyone here for their suggestions). But in the meantime the biggest stop gap solution seems to be very simply, NO LB's & as much UA time as possible. As long as I focus on meeting her needs, she seems to have no problem taking care of mine

When we're not hurting or upset with each other, we actually work really well as a team getting things completed. Last night I focused on really helping with our daughter in addition to lending support elsewhere. We were a much more efficient tandem and had a good night as a family. Clearly I need to learn that my general attitude and overall contribution can make or break how well we are doing.

"Hmm...certainly though those same women might suffer from a similar ailment when it comes to other tasks? Do you ever feel discomfort at not knowing how to fix stuff around house, yard work, kill spiders, haggle with the car salesman, do the taxes, pay the bills, defend against outside influences that require strength and force, lift heavy stuff, grill meat, start a fire, build something, or bearing all of the financial burden on your shoulders?"

I do perform many of the above tasks on a regular basis. I'm the CFO of both corporations we own. I know my style is very different from my husbands style-- but each are equally valid. My husband had his own special way of changing diapers, feeding, and playing with our children and they loved that.