You are not listening to a thing I say. Of course we know you blame her so stop denying it. If you can't be honest about this, then this is all a waste of time.

I think you must believe it is a clever strategy to say something and then deny what you said. All it does is waste valuable time that could be devoted to working on your marriage. As long as you persist in denying what you told us, this conversation cannot move forward.

I am also concerned that you are trying to pander sympathy from your wife like you are doing here. Are you doing this with her? Please understand that this is distracting and self centered. What you did to your wife is horrific. You should be focused on HER PAIN, not yours. You are not the victim. If you are suffering, it is due to your own actions.

Your promises are meaningless. You made a vow to be faithful when you got married and look where that got her? By continually blaming your unmet needs on your affairs, all you do is tell her that you will do this again in the future when your needs are unmet again. STOP SAYING THAT.

Instead, tell her the truth: you had your affairs because you felt entitled and because you were TROLLING FOR ACTION. Just be honest. Tell her your word MEANS NOTHING so you will make your life so transparent that it will be impossible to cheat again. You will account for all your time, give her passwords to everything, etc, etc, etc, etc.

Take that approach and STOP talking about your "unmet needs" and stop making empty, meaningless promises.

And if she decides the marriage is over, then be respectful and leave her alone. It is her prerogative to end the marriage if she so chooses.

Ok so I tell her that I did what i did becuase i felt i was entitledand it was a mistake and then promiss her that i will be transparent from now on. But is she decides that this is over i will respect her decision?
Is that it?

Lets say i have only one more last chance in a conversation with her.
I do love her and mu family. I dont want my child to have divorced parents. i'm willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage.
What should I tell her?
I dont wanna keep forcing something that maybe cannot be repaired.

You got it!

Your wife didn't want that either, I am sure. I would not be throwing "the child" around when you speak to her, lest she will think you are blaming HER again. If this goes to divorce it will be because of your serial adultery, not because she chose to protect herself from further harm. Sometimes the damage is too great to come back from.

I realize you don't want a divorce, but that didn't stop you from having multiple affairs.

x 2

Agree with Mel not to bring up your child either. That always ROYALLY pissed me off and sounded like emotional blackmail to me. I was ALWAYS thinking of my child(ren). A WS should have thought about the children before he/she dropped his/her pants.

If a BS does not want to recover the marriage, that is his/her choice.

x3

I don't think you are being misinterpreted.

One of the conditions was your SSL. If you were radically honest, your affair/s wouldn't have happened.

You were dishonest and misrepresented yourself with this new thread being started "In Recovery" and made it seem as though you have only had ONE affair as pointed out by SugarCane.

If you are REALLY here to learn and change vs getting a "quick fix" to figure out a way to get your W back, one of the things you need to work on is becoming O&H.

And I agree with ML, your entitled mindset is apparent in your posts.

Read and re-read both of your threads. It has been pointed out in BOTH threads that much of the advice/insight has been dismissed.

Most men need to drop the mindset of trying to talk their wives into saving the marriage. Especially in your case. It's not about making points and convincing her to save the marriage.

Instead:
* Take steps to guarantee that this will never happen again
* Stop the damage - eliminate all love busters in your life, everything that is making a withdrawal from your account in her love bank
* Start making massive love bank deposits, daily, as happens in a healthy marriage.

Become somebody who is actually a benefit to your wife and healthy for her to be around. Meanwhile, let her make her own decisions as to whether or not she wants to stay with you - it's definitely not your place to try to persuade her.

Do you own the book Surviving an Affair? If not, get it and read it.

This is very good advice. I would stop posting and not post again until you have reread both of your threads in their entirety. While you are reading, make a todo list. After reading, work through each item on the list. I'll start you off:

* Get the book Surviving an Affair
* Read Surviving an Affair

You guys are right... ... It's just too many of you against me. I cannot be right and many of you wrong.
I read my posts and I sound that I blame her for what I did. It took me a while to realize I did feel entitled to have an affair...
I tried to post on surviving an affair and because I didn't hear what I wanted to hear I posted on recovery to see if I was going to hear what I wanted...
I hate myself right now for what I a making my family go through. I am really devastated and desperate and I am sure my wife felt even worse whit my actions.
I swear guys I have never felt this bad in my life before. I feel completely lost.
I am very frustrated about the little control I have right now over fixing things.
I notice how I have tried to persuade my wife to accept me back. I feel like because we are married and because we have a child and because I love her, that is enough reasons to forgive me and fix this and apparently is not like that.
Thanks guys for all the slaps and I apologize for my unfair attacks. I thought I would come here to hear "Don't worry, just do this or do that and things will be fine..." and I got frustrated and angry for hearing something different.
I hate that I had to go through this with my family to learn things and not having them learned before getting married.
I am going to be completely O&H with my wife like I was before our relationship started to go south. I believe that deep in my core I am a good person and I am willing to do anything it takes to become a man of integrity and set a good sample to my child. Even if it is as a divorced father. My kid means the world to me. (I should have thought about this before pulling my pants down. Yes I know but I didn't ... And I hate myself for that)
I think that my words mean nothing to my wife and all I have left to do is to speak with my actions so I am going to do that.
I hope me and my family can overcome this horrible situation "I" put my family in.
I spoke to my wife yesterday and told her what you guys said about me feeling entitled about having an affair, etc... about how I'd be willing to be transparent to make her feel secure. And that I will respect her decision if she want this to be over and move on.
She said that she wants to separate because she feels we are not getting anything accomplished like this. She talks about separation but not about it being over. Maybe that is a good sign and time will help fix things up. I don't know. I am very scared. Is there maybe some hope that I can win her back over from the outside?
I'm scared.

The above gives me hope that you are starting to understand. You have taken the first step towards recovery. Understanding is not doing, though. It will take actions to back up your words.

And here is a key point: you are not a good person NOW. But you can be. A person is judged by their actions, not by their personal intentions or their alleged "willingness" - that is where many waywards go wrong. [me included] Our talk is cheap and feelings are not truth. Being "willing" to do the necessary things to be a good person is not enough. You have to demonstrate the actions of a good person over time. No one will ever take our empty "talk" seriously if our actions don't match up.

Do you see?

Your wife is more likely to take you back if she sees such changes. And please lose any semblance of self pity.

It sounds like you are on the right path!

There is hope. For you, if not the marriage and perhaps even the marriage.

I am a BW who left my husband because he ruined it. I did not see why I should patch up his mistake when I was hurting so horribly. He was very entitled and would simply have done it again, expecting forgiveness because he loved me and all that.

If he had been like the Former Wayward Husbands on these forums, who speak, think and breathe respect for marriage; who are aware of the way marriages must be affair proofed - I would have felt differently. Over time, you see in people's actions who they are. Trust is not a decision of the mind, it is an involuntary reaction to what we can see.

So give her good actions to watch, good reasons to trust you. Even if it is too much for her to come back from, it will benefit you and give you a lot more than you put in.


So you have nothing to lose by giving it your all.

If we are against you, why are we helping you? We're pointing out all of the mistakes you are making that will prevent you from recovering your marriage. We can't guarantee recovery, but we can help you eliminate as many obstacles as possible. You have a lot of changes to make! We don't take joy in beating people over the head for mistakes - we take joy in helping people learn to save their marriages. That does frequently require letting people know when they are making mistakes.

None of that translates to "against you."

Ok. Lets see what happen.
Wish me luck!
I'll come back later with an update.
Thanks again for taking your time.

I'd say, keep posting frequently. Give us the chance to help you make continual course corrections.

Also - start listening to Dr. Harley's daily radio show. There is a wealth of FREE advice there. You will learn a lot from listening to how he deals with other people's situations.

I can't get through this. Please help. I feel a huge void in my chest that is killing me.
Any advice?