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I had an affair a year ago. Based on what I read I stopped meeting my wife needs of conversation and therefore she stopped meeting my sexual needs. I hate that I made that mistake and I have a huge guilt. I am not one of those guys that cheats on his wife. I greatly regretted and I don't want to marriage to end due to that reason. I feel that my family deserves a change.
The problem is that my wife says she doesn't love me anymore and that she does not believe she can get her love restored. She does not believe our son will have any consequences from the divorce. She has married parents and I don't. I lived a separation from my parents and I really wish my son does not have to go through that. My wife says she lost the commitment and refuses to try to restore our relationship. She says it has to come from within and not being forced but natural. She says she is not willing to do anything for our 14 year relationship, our family or our son. That is has to come from within her. I fear that is not going to happen since it will require a level of commitment and effort to restore our relationship. I love her very much and I believe she cares for me but is not in love anymore. She says she wants to be alone. I have been desperately trying to get her into it but unsuccessfully.
She says she tried but I do not feel she did. We went only once to therapy. And she did not want to go through treatment.
I am working very hard on Plan A with unconditional love and planning for Plan B. I believe I have been a great husband and my family deserves a chance. I asked her to complete an emotional needs and love buster questionnaires but it seems that she not even willing to do that. It's been one year since I had the affair.
Does anyone have any additional good advice to give me?
Is there any material I can show her to prove to her that the best for our son is that we love each other for life? Am I right to believe that?
Thanks.

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Has your affair and behavior been exposed to everyone of influence in both your Wife's family and circle of friends and to your contacts too?

Do you EVER see or hear from or about the Other Women you had an affair with?

What conditions existed that allowed you to carry on a secret 2nd life behind your Betrayed Wife's back?

How have they been eliminated?

Are you familiar with a PROPER No Contact Letter?

Has one been sent out with your Wife's approval of the wording?

What EP's, Extraordinary Precautions have been implemented since the affair was discovered?

How did your Wife find out about your affair?

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Also, YOU Don't Plan B her. That is for the Betrayed Spouse to do in most cases.

And, you have NOT been a Great husband. A Great husband would NEVER have inflicted so much pain and continuing trauma onto their spouse, the one who previously was the One person that they should have been able to trust more than anyone else in the world.

You "may" have had some good qualities, but knock yourself off that self proclaimed pedestal right now.

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I had an affair a year ago. Based on what I read I stopped meeting my wife needs of conversation and therefore she stopped meeting my sexual needs. I hate that I made that mistake and I have a huge guilt. I am not one of those guys that cheats on his wife. I greatly regretted and I don't want to marriage to end due to that reason. I feel that my family deserves a change.
The problem is that my wife says she doesn't love me anymore and that she does not believe she can get her love restored. She does not believe our son will have any consequences from the divorce. She has married parents and I don't. I lived a separation from my parents and I really wish my son does not have to go through that. My wife says she lost the commitment and refuses to try to restore our relationship. She says it has to come from within and not being forced but natural. She says she is not willing to do anything for our 14 year relationship, our family or our son. That is has to come from within her. I fear that is not going to happen since it will require a level of commitment and effort to restore our relationship. I love her very much and I believe she cares for me but is not in love anymore. She says she wants to be alone. I have been desperately trying to get her into it but unsuccessfully.
She says she tried but I do not feel she did. We went only once to therapy. And she did not want to go through treatment.
I am working very hard on Plan A with unconditional love and planning for Plan B. I believe I have been a great husband and my family deserves a chance. I asked her to complete an emotional needs and love buster questionnaires but it seems that she not even willing to do that. It's been one year since I had the affair.
Does anyone have any additional good advice to give me?
Is there any material I can show her to prove to her that the best for our son is that we love each other for life? Am I right to believe that?
Thanks.
It isn't fair on posters for you to start a new thread in a new forum (why did you choose Recovery? You are nowhere near recovery!) and gloss over the details of your history, minimising the amount of betrayal that you put your wife through. You cannot get appropriate advice if you do not give an accurate picture of your circumstances.

Plan B is completely inappropriate for a man who betrayed his wife three times in recent times, as well as neglecting her needs before that. Plan B is a course of action open to the betrayed spouse, where the unfaithful spouse is in an affair and will not stop. What makes you think you should be using it? There is some evidence of an emotional affair on your wife's part, but you have not got nearly enough evidence of this, nor confronted and exposed it, and neither have you tried Plan A to combat it yet.

Plan B should only be used by a man whose wife is in a continuing affair as a last resort after a lengthy period of Plan A. Plan B is very risky to a marriage; it is a separation enforced on the unfaithful spouse, who might find life to be a great deal more enjoyable away from the faithful spouse. Once separated the marriage might never be restored and this is especially true when it is the wife who has been unfaithful. Women tend to have affairs when they have been unhappy in their marriage for some time, and when they feel that their husband has neglected them and does not care for them. By the time they have an affair they have pretty much finished with the marriage. If such a couple separates, the wife has very little incentive or desire to return to her husband, ever. Plan B is a much riskier strategy for a man who wants to save his marriage than for a woman.

I gave you advice to use the coaching centre, and you appeared to be willing to follow through on that. Why now are you seeking different advice from that?


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My affair and behavior was exposed to everyone of influence.
I completely lost contact with the other women I had an affair with. I am clean.
The conditions I believe were the lack of meeting each other needs we got into a spiral. I have been giving her unconditional love for more than 4 months trying different things. Only about 2 weeks since I noticed her primary emotional need was conversation. I have been trying to establish good conversations since then.
I don't know if Proper no contact letter is necessary since contact has completely been lost for more than 4 months.
I told my wife that she can look at my phone and emails anytime she wants.
My wife found out checking my telephone calls and noticed too many phone calls and told her everything.
Thank you LTL

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I'm glad I am hearing that about Plan B. I will disregard that option.
But when do I know enough is enough. I have been hearing from her friends, my family and her family that I should give up. That I have been trying enough already. But I don't want to give up. I seem to be the only one believing I should keep trying. I want to use every resource I can before giving up.

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
My affair and behavior was exposed to everyone of influence.
This is a brush-off. That is not what you said when you were asked about this last week on your other thread. When you were asked if you had exposed your affairs, you said

Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Wow! No. I feel it will make it worst. A lot of people know it but not the way it really happened. How do you think it will make it better?
Thanks for the help!


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I'm glad I am hearing that about Plan B. I will disregard that option.
But when do I know enough is enough. I have been hearing from her friends, my family and her family that I should give up. That I have been trying enough already. But I don't want to give up. I seem to be the only one believing I should keep trying. I want to use every resource I can before giving up.
You need Dr Harley's direct help, which you can get free by emailing the radio show. He will read your email and answer it on air (your names will not be revealed), and he might ask you if you want to be a guest on the radio show, as well - which you do not have to be to get your query dealt with.

I suggest that you tell him all the details of the threesome, your affair that followed with that woman, and the affair when you were separated, and that you also tell him about your wife's closeness to her professor (as well as the details of her going back to school to become a dentist, starting a successful business but then resenting you for not earning a traditional wage).

Dr Harley needs to see the full picture of how bad the marriage has been, and how much and what kind of betrayal there has been. If you leave out details, you will not get appropriate advice.

My suspicion is that your persuading your wife to have a threesome for you benefit, as you did, was experienced by her as pimping her out and not caring about her. Following that up with an affair with that woman and then with another one just confirmed to her that you did not care about her at all, and she gave up on the marriage. You have been trying to show love and care recently, but to your wife it feels too late and she is happy for the marriage to break up. If you go threatening her with separation or any kind of punishment for being withdrawn from you, you will just confirm what she already knows - which is that you do not cherish her or care when you hurt her, and she will just be relieved to be rid of you.

You need to get Dr Harley's advice on how to change that impression - and I suspect that it will be that you need to Plan A her for a very long time. The first affair was a year ago but you have not been back together for a year yet and you are already talking about giving up. That doesn't say much for your resolve to fix what you broke.

You won't get proper advice if you do not paint a full picture to Dr Harley.


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You are putting it like she was the perfect wife all along and was home taking care of her family while I was out there having fun. You have no idea all I have done for her and for my family. I literally begged her many times to give me, our house, and her child more attention. After our son was born she completely forgot about me. She was going out with her friends many times per week while I was staying home. And when she was here was attached to her phone all day chatting and laughing with her girl friends from school. I was neglected and that is the reason I ended up doing what I did. I don't mean to excuse myself for the affair, I regretted it, but is not the case were the man cheats on his well behaving and attentive wife...
If I am here writing is because I care about my family. I am not a bad person. All my acts were out of frustration of being neglected. I wish I knew about Dr. Harley's concepts when I started my marriage, but unfortunately people tend to look for help when things go bad.
I am trying to get as much resources as I can and not find more guilt. I have gone through enough guilt and pain to the point that I have not being able to sleep and I get anxiety attacks every day. This is not healthy for me anymore and that I why I am very worried.
You don't know all the details and are assuming too much and instead of giving advices other than getting telephone coaching what you are doing is inflicting more pain which. Give me a break!
Do I really have to send you my bank statements and give you a whole financial detail about why I cannot today afford telephone coaching?
I am saving for that and I will start coaching soon, but for now I am trying to get as much help as I can. I already asked my wife to use some of our saving for this coaching and she did not like the idea...
Like I told you a few times before, thank you for taking the time to ready my posts and for answering them.

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Well I told her family already after that.

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I am very frustrated of not getting anything accomplished!!!

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I am going to try that.

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
You are putting it like she was the perfect wife all along and was home taking care of her family while I was out there having fun. You have no idea all I have done for her and for my family. I literally begged her many times to give me, our house, and her child more attention. After our son was born she completely forgot about me. She was going out with her friends many times per week while I was staying home. And when she was here was attached to her phone all day chatting and laughing with her girl friends from school. I was neglected and that is the reason I ended up doing what I did. I don't mean to excuse myself for the affair, I regretted it, but is not the case were the man cheats on his well behaving and attentive wife...
If I am here writing is because I care about my family. I am not a bad person. All my acts were out of frustration of being neglected. I wish I knew about Dr. Harley's concepts when I started my marriage, but unfortunately people tend to look for help when things go bad.
I am trying to get as much resources as I can and not find more guilt. I have gone through enough guilt and pain to the point that I have not being able to sleep and I get anxiety attacks every day. This is not healthy for me anymore and that I why I am very worried.
You don't know all the details and are assuming too much and instead of giving advices other than getting telephone coaching what you are doing is inflicting more pain which. Give me a break!
Do I really have to send you my bank statements and give you a whole financial detail about why I cannot today afford telephone coaching?
I am saving for that and I will start coaching soon, but for now I am trying to get as much help as I can. I already asked my wife to use some of our saving for this coaching and she did not like the idea...
Like I told you a few times before, thank you for taking the time to ready my posts and for answering them.
I think that's quite an unjustified attack on me.

I won't inflict any more pain on you. I will reiterate my suggestion for you to write for free advice to the radio show and leave you alone.


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
You are putting it like she was the perfect wife all along and was home taking care of her family while I was out there having fun. You have no idea all I have done for her and for my family

REading the above should be a knock out factor for your wife. If she knows you feel this way, then she should never consider staying with you. Since she "wasn't perfect" you were entitled to have multiple affairs, I suppose? That attitude should indicate to your wife that you are not a safe person. If she came on this forum, I would tell her you are a dangerous person who blames HER for his despicable, trashy behavior and that she should move on because the comments reflect a person who does not take accountability for his actions.

Let me tell you WHY you had your affairs. You did it because you feel entitled to have affairs. It is much worse than a na�ve spouse who "happens" into an affair because of pisspoor boundaries. Its not your boundaries that is the problem, it is your worldview. You were out trolling for action. A married man. A freaking married man.

It is your philosophy of marriage that is the problem. Until that changes and you stop blaming the victim for your abhorrent, low class behavior, I pray that your wife stays far away from you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I am trying to get as much resources as I can and not find more guilt. I have gone through enough guilt and pain to the point that I have not being able to sleep and I get anxiety attacks every day. This is not healthy for me anymore and that I why I am very worried.

I am very worried for your wife. You are not a healthy person to be around.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I am very frustrated of not getting anything accomplished!!!

Can you ask your wife to come here and speak to us?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
You are putting it like she was the perfect wife all along and was home taking care of her family while I was out there having fun. You have no idea all I have done for her and for my family

The message behind this statement is that your wife has to be "perfect" in order to deserve a faithful husband. She foolishly believed that came with her vows and probably never realized she was marrying a man who behaved like an alley cat in heat.

What if she is less than perfect in the future?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sugarcane, sorry for the unjustified attack. I am acting out of frustration and anger. I shouldn't have written that. I apologize. I'm lost over here...
Melody, I said I regretted it. Many times. I feel very guilty and i assume my responsibilities. I am hoong through hell. I cannot sleep. I habe a huge pain in my chest. I did not feel i was entitled to. I felt neglected and my needs were not being met. I felt into the trap manu man fall into. Infidelity. I did not know about Dr Harley's concepts. I did not know how to handle my sexuality and i made a mistake is breaking my family.
I am willing to do anything. But i am questioning if this can be saved. I love her, I always have and I want to grow old with her. I want my kid to always experience a family that is united and umbreakable.

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Melody, I said I regretted it. Many times. I feel very guilty and i assume my responsibilities. I am hoong through hell. I cannot sleep. I habe a huge pain in my chest. I did not feel i was entitled to. I felt neglected and my needs were not being met.

crybaby

People who take "responsibility" for their crimes don't cite the alleged wrongdoing of others. They don't blame their victims. I think I will save my crocodile tears for your victim, your wife. You are not the victim here.

Your wife knows you blame her and she needs to get out of this marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I felt neglected and my needs were not being met.

In other words, if your "needs" are not met perfectly in the future, you will cat around like a dog in heat and your wife will have to tolerate your cruel, selfish, abusive behavior.

You are not safe.

No woman wants that. Your wife should run for her life.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Oh thanks for your great advice. I think you only read what you want and assume also as well. I said if i had known Dr harley's concept Inwould have acted differently. It's useless to read your posts. I am not saying I am the victim here. You are getting the wring impression about me or let me better humbly say that I am having a hard time expressing myself.
Good night.

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No what I mean and based on what I read on this website is that when couples needs are not being met they are more vulnerable to an affair...

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Oh thanks for your great advice. I think you only read what you want and assume also as well. I said if i had known Dr harley's concept Inwould have acted differently. It's useless to read your posts. I am not saying I am the victim here. You are getting the wring impression about me or let me better humbly say that I am having a hard time expressing myself.
Good night.

I have the RIGHT impression from reading your posts. You "expressed" yourself just fine.

You are not a vicim and you did not cheat because your wife did a poor job of meeting your needs. You cheated because you feel entitled to live like a playah and were chasing women.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
No what I mean and based on what I read on this website is that when couples needs are not being met they are more vulnerable to an affair...

People are VERY vulnerable to an affair when they are out CHASING women.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Really? In what part of my post did I mention I was going out all the time? You make your assumptions and men stereotypes. You are just here for the drama and creating even more. Like watching a reality show. I'm surprise you are religious. Religious people understand about forgiveness and repent.
So thanks for the solutions. I'm here looking for a solution to my marital problems. I said many times I regret my past decisions that I wish I did things different and you are here telling my that I should end my marriage and tell my wife to run for her life... This is a marriage builder page. Not a marriage destroyer... Posts are supposed to be for adding something helpful.

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Like Dr Harley says, forgiveness is not warranted in the case of adultery. It is not an entitlement program for entilement minded waywards. Also, people who are repentant do not blame their victims.

The solution I offer is this: if you want to have any hope in getting your wife back, then STOP blaming her for your despicable behavior. You had your affairs for one reason and one reason only: YOU WERE CHASING WOMEN.

You are not a safe person for your wife until you take full accountability for your crimes. Surely she knows this, which is why she won't take you back.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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WOW, I have stayed out of this thread because it reminds me just a bit "too" much of my (previously wayward) husband.

Sir, Melody has NO problem with drama. She is quite gifted at getting to the heart of marriage problems without focusing on the drama. For you to respond to her in the way that you have is a huge redflag to me. If you display even 1/10th of that same attitude towards your wife�. puke

Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I fear that is not going to happen since it will require a level of commitment and effort to restore our relationship.
You're right about the level of commitment and effort. From what I've read in your thread, you have not even begun to show that commitment yet. You don't sound committed at all, to be honest. You sound as if you expect to do a couple of nice things for your wife and all will be forgotten. START focusing on doing anything for the rest of your life to HEAL your wife, well then she may be able to feel love for you again.

Well, that's not totally fair�you DID find marriage builders and post here, so that's a start. But you haven't yet learned to STOP with the spew words already and START with the actions.

Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I love her very much and I believe she cares for me but is not in love anymore. She says she wants to be alone. I have been desperately trying to get her into it but unsuccessfully.
So if she is not in love with you, then what can you DO to begin to restore that love?

How long has it been since you had contact with your affair partner? ANY contact? How long since you have looked at photos? Listened to songs that remind you?

The way that you went off on Melody and others who were trying to help you, you sure do still seem foggy. Which WOULD NOT be the case if you truly have had no contact in four months.


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Like Dr Harley says, forgiveness is not warranted in the case of adultery. It is not an entitlement program for entilement minded waywards. Also, people who are repentant do not blame their victims.

The solution I offer is this: if you want to have any hope in getting your wife back, then STOP blaming her for your despicable behavior. You had your affairs for one reason and one reason only: YOU WERE CHASING WOMEN.

You are not a safe person for your wife until you take full accountability for your crimes. Surely she knows this, which is why she won't take you back.

I did not start blaming her for the affair. In fact I never did until we went to therapy and the therapist said that needs needs to take some responsibility about what I did. It never even occur to me. I always felt horrible and guilty 100%. The therapist said the fault was 50/50. Eventhough I never tell her that it was her fault. I may sound like it by saying she was not paying attention to me or meeting my emotional needs. I keep saying "I" made a mistake and I regret it. I wish I could go back in time and would have known about Dr. Harley's concepts. I believe this would have not happened. I a not saying that I did it because it was her fault. I believe there is never a good reason for cheating on your spouse.
So let's say I am not blaming her for my affairs or making her feel guilty. It is still not working out. Then what?
Thanks.

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[/quote]You're right about the level of commitment and effort. From what I've read in your thread, you have not even begun to show that commitment yet. You don't sound committed at all, to be honest. You sound as if you expect to do a couple of nice things for your wife and all will be forgotten. START focusing on doing anything for the rest of your life to HEAL your wife, well then she may be able to feel love for you again.

Well, that's not totally fair�you DID find marriage builders and post here, so that's a start. But you haven't yet learned to STOP with the spew words already and START with the actions.

Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I love her very much and I believe she cares for me but is not in love anymore. She says she wants to be alone. I have been desperately trying to get her into it but unsuccessfully.
So if she is not in love with you, then what can you DO to begin to restore that love?

How long has it been since you had contact with your affair partner? ANY contact? How long since you have looked at photos? Listened to songs that remind you?

The way that you went off on Melody and others who were trying to help you, you sure do still seem foggy. Which WOULD NOT be the case if you truly have had no contact in four months. [/quote]

I haven't had any contact for more than 4 months. I am clean 100%. I've had no contact with anyone. I have been looking for ways to fix my marriage for more than 4 months now. But things seem to be getting worse the more I try. I take bitterness without responding back. I accepted her decision of not going to therapy. I give her space when she wants space. I am doing anything she asks me for. I have apologize to her 1000 times and I keep doing it. I have written her many love notes already. Everything I can find to fix the relationship but I see no improvement. She goes out anytime she wants. I am running out of resources and building up my frustration which probably makes me like you said "foggy". It is difficult to act when you are desperate.
Also, I ready a lot in Dr. Harley's articles and letters and the betrayed wife always seems to be the one that want to fix things up and that the other spuse will have withdrawals and will not want to continue the relationship. I don't feel that is my case. I cant seem to find anything to ready about when it is the opposite. That would help me. I betrayed her and she lost her love and admiration for me. How do I fix that?
I am ok with her not reacting but the problem I see is that is getting worse...
Thanks.

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Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
what can you DO to begin to restore that love?

What can I do? cry
I ask my self that questions every day all day.

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
The conditions I believe were the lack of meeting each other needs we got into a spiral.
No.

This was not the condition that allowed you to have an affair(s). That is not what LTL was asking you.

Hint: There is only one reason why you chose to have affairs.

When you figure out what that is, you will be in a tiny little bit of a better place to figure out how to (possibly) save your M. You are not there yet.

After you figure that out, then you will need to figure out what conditions were in place that ALLOWED you to carry on outside of your marriage.


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
[I did not start blaming her for the affair. In fact I never did until we went to therapy and the therapist said that needs needs to take some responsibility about what I did. It never even occur to me. I always felt horrible and guilty 100%. The therapist said the fault was 50/50.

You say you are not blaming her and then go onto say it was 50/50 "her fault." You have blamed her numerous times throughout this thread so don't sit there and tell me you are not doing that.

The REASON you had these affairs is because you were trolling for women. You were out looking for it. Your "ummet" needs did not force you to do this.

What is your wife supposed to do in the future if your needs are not met again? What if she has a heart attack and is hospitalized and can't meet your needs?

Your wife surely sees what we objective observers see in your posts: you take no responsibility for your actions and justify chasing women by blaming your wife.

She should not touch you with a 10' pole.


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Sometimes spouses will fall into affairs when their needs are not being met at home. It is like a starving man who happens upon a buffet.

That is not the case with you. You were actively TROLLING for action. That is why you have had 3 affairs. Blaming your wife for that takes amazing GALL. It is like blaming the rape victim for being too attractive. AFTER YOU RAPED HER THREE TIMES!!


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
what can you DO to begin to restore that love?

What can I do? cry
I ask my self that questions every day all day.

First stop the double speak and the weasel words. ["I do not blame her but she is responsible for 50/50"] Do not ever blame her again or discuss lack of need meeting as reason. Admit you were actively trolling for action and found it.

Tell her what you will do to prevent that from EVER happening again. How will she be protected in the future when your needs are not met? <--------------I would like to hear your answer....


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
what can you DO to begin to restore that love?

What can I do? cry
I ask my self that questions every day all day.

First stop the double speak and the weasel words. ["I do not blame her but she is responsible for 50/50"] Do not ever blame her again or discuss lack of need meeting as reason. Admit you were actively trolling for action and found it.

Tell her what you will do to prevent that from EVER happening again. How will she be protected in the future when your needs are not met? <--------------I would like to hear your answer....

Where did I write that I believe it is 50/50? All I remember writing is that we went to a therapist that said our problems were a both of our faults 50/50. Even tough I believe it was may fault and I shouldn't have done what I did. Regardless if my needs were being met or not. I have also wrote that I do not want to excuse myself what I did. I still don't believe it's 50/50. I am not saying that is what I think or believe.
I have never told her nor will that this is her fault. All I have done is pray, beg, cry, ask for forgiveness. Repent. I completely lost contact with the lover. I don't even look at pictures.
For the 100th time, I believe there is never a good reason for an affair. I regret what I did, I repent, I wish I could go back in time to do things differently, I feel guilty. I feel like crap. My chest hurts. I am frustrated. I cannot function like this. I have lost a sense of myself, my self esteem. I believe she is having an affair either emotional or sexual, even though all she says it is just a fantasy. But she does not want me to check her phone. Yesterday that man went to our clinic to work with her and she asked me to please don't go because she was going to feel unconfortable. I haven't been able to get a goodnight sleep for a almost a year.
I wouldn't be here trying to get help. I wouldn't have read the whole website. If I felt it was her fault this happened. I am looking for answers, understandings. Something that can help me fix things up. Some hope at least.

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She says she knows that I have changed. She says she forgives me and everything but she is just not feeling it anymore and does not believe a love can be restored.

I think I need to calm down and maybe I am expecting results too soon. But I just cannot accept the fact that this is over. I am in denial. But before we end this up I need to make sure there was really nothing I can do.
That what was done was done regardless if I regret it or not it is just something that it cannot be saved or repaired.

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My answer to your questions would be (and maybe I'm wrong, I'm still learning) by letting her know how I feel about my needs not being met. By showing her how important to me is to meet her emotional needs. And I would repeat to her that regardless of her decision of wanting to meet my needs or not. I will still be there for her and never disrespect her again by being unfaithful. I will never be unfaithful to her again and by that action over time it will make her feel better and more protected�
I don't know what else to say. You sound like you know the answer but what to know what stupidity comes out of my mouth... JUST TELL ME PLEASE!!!
I am here to learn and not to affirm my position that what I did was right.

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The day I told her everything about what I did. She then came to me later that day saying that she also feels bad because she was confused with another man. She still sees him but says it is only professional and that all she had was a fantasy and that nothing happened. I believe her because I trust her. But I have learned with Dr. Harley's writings that trust can lead to an affair and that we are all wired to have one if we don't take precussions.
(Forgive me for my bad english and misspellings. English is my second language.)

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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
My affair and behavior was exposed to everyone of influence.
This is a brush-off. That is not what you said when you were asked about this last week on your other thread. When you were asked if you had exposed your affairs, you said

Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Wow! No. I feel it will make it worst. A lot of people know it but not the way it really happened. How do you think it will make it better?
Thanks for the help!

I said I did expose the affair but didn't tell anyone how it really happened (threesome) because my wife would kill me� She precisely asked me not to.

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I see I get misinterpreted a lot� Now I know why I was having a hard time meeting my wife's needs of communication. Maybe I should take a communication course.
I hate myself right now!

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
what can you DO to begin to restore that love?

What can I do? cry
I ask my self that questions every day all day.

First stop the double speak and the weasel words. ["I do not blame her but she is responsible for 50/50"] Do not ever blame her again or discuss lack of need meeting as reason. Admit you were actively trolling for action and found it.

Tell her what you will do to prevent that from EVER happening again. How will she be protected in the future when your needs are not met? <--------------I would like to hear your answer....

Where did I write that I believe it is 50/50? All I remember writing is that we went to a therapist that said our problems were a both of our faults 50/50. Even tough I believe it was may fault and I shouldn't have done what I did. Regardless if my needs were being met or not. I have also wrote that I do not want to excuse myself what I did. I still don't believe it's 50/50. I am not saying that is what I think or believe.
I have never told her nor will that this is her fault. All I have done is pray, beg, cry, ask for forgiveness. Repent. I completely lost contact with the lover. I don't even look at pictures.
For the 100th time, I believe there is never a good reason for an affair. I regret what I did, I repent, I wish I could go back in time to do things differently, I feel guilty. I feel like crap. My chest hurts. I am frustrated. I cannot function like this. I have lost a sense of myself, my self esteem. I believe she is having an affair either emotional or sexual, even though all she says it is just a fantasy. But she does not want me to check her phone. Yesterday that man went to our clinic to work with her and she asked me to please don't go because she was going to feel unconfortable. I haven't been able to get a goodnight sleep for a almost a year.
I wouldn't be here trying to get help. I wouldn't have read the whole website. If I felt it was her fault this happened. I am looking for answers, understandings. Something that can help me fix things up. Some hope at least.

You are not listening to a thing I say. Of course we know you blame her so stop denying it. If you can't be honest about this, then this is all a waste of time.

I think you must believe it is a clever strategy to say something and then deny what you said. All it does is waste valuable time that could be devoted to working on your marriage. As long as you persist in denying what you told us, this conversation cannot move forward.

I am also concerned that you are trying to pander sympathy from your wife like you are doing here. Are you doing this with her? Please understand that this is distracting and self centered. What you did to your wife is horrific. You should be focused on HER PAIN, not yours. You are not the victim. If you are suffering, it is due to your own actions.


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
My answer to your questions would be (and maybe I'm wrong, I'm still learning) by letting her know how I feel about my needs not being met. By showing her how important to me is to meet her emotional needs. And I would repeat to her that regardless of her decision of wanting to meet my needs or not. I will still be there for her and never disrespect her again by being unfaithful. I will never be unfaithful to her again and by that action over time it will make her feel better and more protected�

Your promises are meaningless. You made a vow to be faithful when you got married and look where that got her? By continually blaming your unmet needs on your affairs, all you do is tell her that you will do this again in the future when your needs are unmet again. STOP SAYING THAT.

Instead, tell her the truth: you had your affairs because you felt entitled and because you were TROLLING FOR ACTION. Just be honest. Tell her your word MEANS NOTHING so you will make your life so transparent that it will be impossible to cheat again. You will account for all your time, give her passwords to everything, etc, etc, etc, etc.

Take that approach and STOP talking about your "unmet needs" and stop making empty, meaningless promises.

And if she decides the marriage is over, then be respectful and leave her alone. It is her prerogative to end the marriage if she so chooses.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Ok so I tell her that I did what i did becuase i felt i was entitledand it was a mistake and then promiss her that i will be transparent from now on. But is she decides that this is over i will respect her decision?
Is that it?

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Lets say i have only one more last chance in a conversation with her.
I do love her and mu family. I dont want my child to have divorced parents. i'm willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage.
What should I tell her?
I dont wanna keep forcing something that maybe cannot be repaired.


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Ok so I tell her that I did what i did becuase i felt i was entitledand it was a mistake and then promiss her that i will be transparent from now on. But is she decides that this is over i will respect her decision?
Is that it?

You got it!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I dont want my child to have divorced parents.

Your wife didn't want that either, I am sure. I would not be throwing "the child" around when you speak to her, lest she will think you are blaming HER again. If this goes to divorce it will be because of your serial adultery, not because she chose to protect herself from further harm. Sometimes the damage is too great to come back from.

I realize you don't want a divorce, but that didn't stop you from having multiple affairs.


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Ok so I tell her that I did what i did becuase i felt i was entitledand it was a mistake and then promiss her that i will be transparent from now on. But is she decides that this is over i will respect her decision?
Is that it?

You got it!

x 2

Agree with Mel not to bring up your child either. That always ROYALLY pissed me off and sounded like emotional blackmail to me. I was ALWAYS thinking of my child(ren). A WS should have thought about the children before he/she dropped his/her pants.

If a BS does not want to recover the marriage, that is his/her choice.


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Originally Posted by black_raven
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Ok so I tell her that I did what i did becuase i felt i was entitledand it was a mistake and then promiss her that i will be transparent from now on. But is she decides that this is over i will respect her decision?
Is that it?

You got it!

x 2

Agree with Mel not to bring up your child either. That always ROYALLY pissed me off and sounded like emotional blackmail to me. I was ALWAYS thinking of my child(ren). A WS should have thought about the children before he/she dropped his/her pants.

If a BS does not want to recover the marriage, that is his/her choice.

x3


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I see I get misinterpreted a lot�

I don't think you are being misinterpreted.



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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
The conditions I believe were the lack of meeting each other needs we got into a spiral.


One of the conditions was your SSL. If you were radically honest, your affair/s wouldn't have happened.

You were dishonest and misrepresented yourself with this new thread being started "In Recovery" and made it seem as though you have only had ONE affair as pointed out by SugarCane.

If you are REALLY here to learn and change vs getting a "quick fix" to figure out a way to get your W back, one of the things you need to work on is becoming O&H.



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And I agree with ML, your entitled mindset is apparent in your posts.

Read and re-read both of your threads. It has been pointed out in BOTH threads that much of the advice/insight has been dismissed.



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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Lets say i have only one more last chance in a conversation with her.
I do love her and mu family. I dont want my child to have divorced parents. i'm willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage.
What should I tell her?
I dont wanna keep forcing something that maybe cannot be repaired.

Most men need to drop the mindset of trying to talk their wives into saving the marriage. Especially in your case. It's not about making points and convincing her to save the marriage.

Instead:
* Take steps to guarantee that this will never happen again
* Stop the damage - eliminate all love busters in your life, everything that is making a withdrawal from your account in her love bank
* Start making massive love bank deposits, daily, as happens in a healthy marriage.

Become somebody who is actually a benefit to your wife and healthy for her to be around. Meanwhile, let her make her own decisions as to whether or not she wants to stay with you - it's definitely not your place to try to persuade her.

Do you own the book Surviving an Affair? If not, get it and read it.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Read and re-read both of your threads.

This is very good advice. I would stop posting and not post again until you have reread both of your threads in their entirety. While you are reading, make a todo list. After reading, work through each item on the list. I'll start you off:

* Get the book Surviving an Affair
* Read Surviving an Affair


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You guys are right... frown... It's just too many of you against me. I cannot be right and many of you wrong.
I read my posts and I sound that I blame her for what I did. It took me a while to realize I did feel entitled to have an affair...
I tried to post on surviving an affair and because I didn't hear what I wanted to hear I posted on recovery to see if I was going to hear what I wanted...
I hate myself right now for what I a making my family go through. I am really devastated and desperate and I am sure my wife felt even worse whit my actions.
I swear guys I have never felt this bad in my life before. I feel completely lost.
I am very frustrated about the little control I have right now over fixing things.
I notice how I have tried to persuade my wife to accept me back. I feel like because we are married and because we have a child and because I love her, that is enough reasons to forgive me and fix this and apparently is not like that.
Thanks guys for all the slaps and I apologize for my unfair attacks. I thought I would come here to hear "Don't worry, just do this or do that and things will be fine..." and I got frustrated and angry for hearing something different.
I hate that I had to go through this with my family to learn things and not having them learned before getting married.
I am going to be completely O&H with my wife like I was before our relationship started to go south. I believe that deep in my core I am a good person and I am willing to do anything it takes to become a man of integrity and set a good sample to my child. Even if it is as a divorced father. My kid means the world to me. (I should have thought about this before pulling my pants down. Yes I know but I didn't frown... And I hate myself for that)
I think that my words mean nothing to my wife and all I have left to do is to speak with my actions so I am going to do that.
I hope me and my family can overcome this horrible situation "I" put my family in.
I spoke to my wife yesterday and told her what you guys said about me feeling entitled about having an affair, etc... about how I'd be willing to be transparent to make her feel secure. And that I will respect her decision if she want this to be over and move on.
She said that she wants to separate because she feels we are not getting anything accomplished like this. She talks about separation but not about it being over. Maybe that is a good sign and time will help fix things up. I don't know. I am very scared. Is there maybe some hope that I can win her back over from the outside?
I'm scared.

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I am going to be completely O&H with my wife like I was before our relationship started to go south. I believe that deep in my core I am a good person and I am willing to do anything it takes to become a man of integrity and set a good sample to my child. Even if it is as a divorced father. My kid means the world to me. (I should have thought about this before pulling my pants down. Yes I know but I didn't frown... And I hate myself for that)

The above gives me hope that you are starting to understand. You have taken the first step towards recovery. Understanding is not doing, though. It will take actions to back up your words.

And here is a key point: you are not a good person NOW. But you can be. A person is judged by their actions, not by their personal intentions or their alleged "willingness" - that is where many waywards go wrong. [me included] Our talk is cheap and feelings are not truth. Being "willing" to do the necessary things to be a good person is not enough. You have to demonstrate the actions of a good person over time. No one will ever take our empty "talk" seriously if our actions don't match up.

Do you see?

Your wife is more likely to take you back if she sees such changes. And please lose any semblance of self pity.

It sounds like you are on the right path! hurray


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
She said that she wants to separate because she feels we are not getting anything accomplished like this. She talks about separation but not about it being over. Maybe that is a good sign and time will help fix things up. I don't know. I am very scared. Is there maybe some hope that I can win her back over from the outside?


There is hope. For you, if not the marriage and perhaps even the marriage.

I am a BW who left my husband because he ruined it. I did not see why I should patch up his mistake when I was hurting so horribly. He was very entitled and would simply have done it again, expecting forgiveness because he loved me and all that.

If he had been like the Former Wayward Husbands on these forums, who speak, think and breathe respect for marriage; who are aware of the way marriages must be affair proofed - I would have felt differently. Over time, you see in people's actions who they are. Trust is not a decision of the mind, it is an involuntary reaction to what we can see.

So give her good actions to watch, good reasons to trust you. Even if it is too much for her to come back from, it will benefit you and give you a lot more than you put in.


So you have nothing to lose by giving it your all.




What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
It's just too many of you against me.

If we are against you, why are we helping you? We're pointing out all of the mistakes you are making that will prevent you from recovering your marriage. We can't guarantee recovery, but we can help you eliminate as many obstacles as possible. You have a lot of changes to make! We don't take joy in beating people over the head for mistakes - we take joy in helping people learn to save their marriages. That does frequently require letting people know when they are making mistakes.

None of that translates to "against you."


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Ok. Lets see what happen.
Wish me luck!
I'll come back later with an update.
Thanks again for taking your time.

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Ok. Lets see what happen.
Wish me luck!
I'll come back later with an update.
Thanks again for taking your time.

I'd say, keep posting frequently. Give us the chance to help you make continual course corrections.

Also - start listening to Dr. Harley's daily radio show. There is a wealth of FREE advice there. You will learn a lot from listening to how he deals with other people's situations.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
self pity.

I can't get through this. Please help. I feel a huge void in my chest that is killing me.
Any advice?

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
self pity.

I can't get through this. Please help. I feel a huge void in my chest that is killing me.
Any advice?
Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?


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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Read and re-read both of your threads.

This is very good advice. I would stop posting and not post again until you have reread both of your threads in their entirety. While you are reading, make a todo list. After reading, work through each item on the list. I'll start you off:

* Get the book Surviving an Affair
* Read Surviving an Affair

Did you see this?



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My exWH posted on and on about how he wanted to run away and die because of what he had done to me, etc etc.

Posters told him to quit focusing on how bad he felt and start DOING. He didn't and, well, as you can see, we are divorced....

You have been given some great advice. Have you followed any of it? If so what?


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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
self pity.

I can't get through this. Please help. I feel a huge void in my chest that is killing me.
Any advice?

1. See your doctor about getting some antidepressants
2. Stop talking about how bad you feel
3. Start doing the things that have been suggested in this thread. Focus on doing instead of talking, but update us with your efforts and their results.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Read and re-read both of your threads.

This is very good advice. I would stop posting and not post again until you have reread both of your threads in their entirety. While you are reading, make a todo list. After reading, work through each item on the list. I'll start you off:

* Get the book Surviving an Affair
* Read Surviving an Affair

Did you see this?


Yes I just got it on Kindle and haven't stopped reading it. I feel that it works when the betrayed wife loves her husband and wants him back.
My wife does not even want to answer the questionnaires. She filled up the Emotional Needs one but did not prioritize her needs on the last page and still haven't done the love busters one. I have asked her several times but t seems that just the thought of trying to work on our relationship overwhelms her.
This is just drifting away. I am all day thinking, reading, and finding out what to do. Everything I do I questions if my wife is going to approve or if it's going to make her happy. I'm feel I'm walking on eggshells.
I know I have to do less talking and more doing but I cannot find the doing that will make her happy.
I'd like to ready something that talks about the wife not being willing to forgive the wayward husband. I also feel that this techniques work when both are willing to work on saving the relationship and in my case she has demonstrated for quite a while that she does not want to. I feel she made her decision.
Should I talk to her again and ask her what she wants to do?
On our last conversation she had to stop. Said that she was feeling to emotional and did not want to make a final decision like this even though she said separation. After that she has been friendly but I can tell she does not feel anything for me and that she has huge emotional walls. I feel she is in permanent withdrawal.

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
self pity.

I can't get through this. Please help. I feel a huge void in my chest that is killing me.
Any advice?

1. See your doctor about getting some antidepressants
2. Stop talking about how bad you feel
3. Start doing the things that have been suggested in this thread. Focus on doing instead of talking, but update us with your efforts and their results.

1. Im scared of getting addicted. I hear they are very addicting...
2. I will do that.
3. I will try my best. But I really need to know my love busters and she doesn't want to fill out the questionnaire. I don't want to force her for anything anymore. I can only ask.
I asked her a couple of days a go that if she knew there was a possibility of her recovering the love that she had for me, if she would take it and she said yes. I told her that I know is possible but to and will do everything to make it happen. I felt she was starting to feel overwhelmed and I told her to live it up to me and that she doesn't have to do anything if she doesn't feel like it. The only thing that I needed was for her to fill up the questionnaires. I am still waiting...
Any recommendations?

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Antidepressants are not addictive nor will they make you feel strange or fuzzy-headed. I've been on them and so has my H to get us through a rough patch. They really help. We haven't had to be on them for about three years, so it doesn't need to be forever. Wellbutrin is a good one to start out with because there are fewer side effects and no apparent effect on libido.

Read up on the love busters and make sure you aren't doing any of them. Can you recognize a selfish demand? Disrespectful judgment? And the others? Make sure you read up on them all thoroughly, then eliminate them from your life.

Have you instituted the extraordinary precautions? Go ahead and do every one of them, even if your wife seems noncommittal.

It's hard to describe the horror that the betrayed spouse feels and the swings back and forth between thinking to possibly reconcile then back to not wanting anything to do with the person who caused so much pain.

You can probably guess what your wife's ENs are, but she's likely in withdrawal, making meeting her needs very difficult. You can still be kind and considerate, though. You can still gently ask her if she'd go for a walk with you. And don't talk relationship stuff. You can still say nice things to her and help her with meals. Anything at all that you can do that you know or think she would like, then do it.

Never be angry or impatient with her. Consistently show her, through your actions, that you love her and will do all that is possible to earn her forgiveness.


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I will try my best
"I will try" often translates into doing nothing. Don't try. Start doing.

You don't need her to fill out forms in order for you to start. The forms are basically a short cut, and she may not be willing to go that route for awhile. Become an expert on Lovebusters and emotional needs. Read everything you can find on the subject, then read them again. Listen to the radio show. Sign up for the radio archives. And start looking for the Lovebusters in yourself.

You need to start educating yourself.


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Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Antidepressants are not addictive nor will they make you feel strange or fuzzy-headed. I've been on them and so has my H to get us through a rough patch. They really help. We haven't had to be on them for about three years, so it doesn't need to be forever.

I think I was on an AD for only about three months! By the end of that time I had changed the way I relate to my wife quite a bit.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I will try my best
"I will try" often translates into doing nothing. Don't try. Start doing.

Tell him about your husband, who was "working on it" for a year or two before actually doing anything!

blush


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Quote
Quote
Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Any advice?

1. See your doctor about getting some antidepressants
2. Stop talking about how bad you feel
3. Start doing the things that have been suggested in this thread. Focus on doing instead of talking, but update us with your efforts and their results.

1. Im scared of getting addicted. I hear they are very addicting...

Do it anyway. Trust me on this. Addiction to ADs (if that's even possible) would be a LOT better than losing your marriage forever!

Quote
3. I will try my best. But I really need to know my love busters and she doesn't want to fill out the questionnaire. I don't want to force her for anything anymore. I can only ask.

You'll likely offend her even by asking - I think you can look at Dr. Harley's list of all six love busters and see ways in which you've been guilty of every single one of them. If you'll start listening to Dr. Harley's radio show daily, you'll hear lots of examples of disrespect and learn how to eliminate it from your behavior toward your wife, and learn how to be thoughtful toward her instead of thoughtless. (And if you aren't even committed enough to give this that much effort, I wouldn't say there's much hope here.)

As my wife said, forms are a convenient shortcut. They often aren't available to men who are trying to win their wife back. But guess what - when a man courts a woman, she usually doesn't fill out forms for him, then, either. Yet somehow, men manage to man up and win the woman that they want for their bride. They do it by putting their best foot forward and being on their best behavior toward her at all times.

I had very few forms available to me when I won my wife back and turned our marriage around. She filled some out but usually wasn't working with me and was usually not willing to provide clarifications or updates - so I had to figure out all that stuff myself, the hard way. I still won her back.

Of course, I couldn't have done it if I was too emotional to stick to a plan, so get some help with antidepressants to even out your emotions.

Quote
I asked her a couple of days a go that if she knew there was a possibility of her recovering the love that she had for me, if she would take it and she said yes. I told her that I know is possible but to and will do everything to make it happen.

Didn't I just tell you not to do this? Stop trying to persuade her to give it a try. Success in winning your wife back comes from actually winning her back, not talking and getting her hopes up. Let her hopes get up AFTER your actions, not BEFORE. Stop doing this.

Quote
I felt she was starting to feel overwhelmed

Of course she did - you were pressuring her instead of letting her make her own decision. Stop trying to control her. Another word for control is abuse. Why would she want to commit to that for life, at this point?

Quote
and I told her to live it up to me and that she doesn't have to do anything if she doesn't feel like it. The only thing that I needed was for her to fill up the questionnaires. I am still waiting...
Any recommendations?

Yes, stop pressuring her and throwing forms at her!!! Marriage Builders is mainly a bunch of rules for MEN to follow to make marriage fulfilling for their wives - learn how to follow this program yourself, and you stand a chance of winning her back. When you have discussions like this and ask her for forms and such you are not winning her - you are standing still doing nothing at all asking her to do the work. Given the situation, how is that fair? Typically a larger share of the work to repair a marriage falls on the husband - and definitely morally shouldn't it fall on the formerly wayward spouse? So quit having discussions about her doing anything to save the marriage - instead, have conversations with her that she enjoys, and spend time with her that she enjoys. Make deposits, not withdrawals. (Pressuring her is a big withdrawal.)

Last edited by markos; 05/02/14 09:33 PM.

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Do you own the books Surviving an Affair and Love Busters? Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show daily? How serious are you?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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I second the advice you've been given. Get some anti depressants (the realisations of everything are only just hitting you now) and STOP trying to talk her into reconciliation. It is a selfish demand. She needs actions before she can even consider what you are asking, not words and forms.

Most of us BS's have been on anti depressants and found they enabled us to keep walking during a time of terrible trauma. They were very temporary for most of us.

The less emotional you feel, the more cheerfully and calmly you will be able to go about your tasks. Emotion makes you needy and prone to pressuring your wife. You need patience.

Court her the old fashioned way - without any forms! Consider what are HER biggest worries and challenges right now. She is probably concerned about how she is going to parent and live alone - and whether you will help her without her pledging herself to you.

So, be a nice guy. Be helpful. Call her up and ask her what she needs. Be selfless and don't even bring up the forms. Make her laugh, be a good friend.

Once you get your emotions in check you will see how many things there are that you can offer her.

But you must keep in mind that she at no point owes you anything but that she is owed any help and reassurance you can give her.

Never make her feel she is obligated.

Once we start making amends to people we've hurt we often start to feel better about ourselves.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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When my BH first found out about my A, he also saw the doctor and started on something to get him through. He was only on them for a few months. As a nurse, I can assure you, that if you follow your doctors advice on how to come off them (when your ready) you will be fine ~ any medication had a risk of side effects both being on them AND weaning off of them,


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This thread is absolutely dripping with wayward entitlement! The BS is the one who is entitled to make the decision on continuation of the marriage. The wayward has surrendered this by choice. It is too late. If your BS wants to pull the plug and you have even a tiniest morsel of respect for her, you will accept your medicine and get out of her way.

You can try to change her mind, but you have to do so respectfully. Quite frankly, I think she is making the right decision. Can you respect her enough to see how this is true for her?


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