Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?

Did you see this?

My exWH posted on and on about how he wanted to run away and die because of what he had done to me, etc etc.

Posters told him to quit focusing on how bad he felt and start DOING. He didn't and, well, as you can see, we are divorced....

You have been given some great advice. Have you followed any of it? If so what?

1. See your doctor about getting some antidepressants
2. Stop talking about how bad you feel
3. Start doing the things that have been suggested in this thread. Focus on doing instead of talking, but update us with your efforts and their results.

Yes I just got it on Kindle and haven't stopped reading it. I feel that it works when the betrayed wife loves her husband and wants him back.
My wife does not even want to answer the questionnaires. She filled up the Emotional Needs one but did not prioritize her needs on the last page and still haven't done the love busters one. I have asked her several times but t seems that just the thought of trying to work on our relationship overwhelms her.
This is just drifting away. I am all day thinking, reading, and finding out what to do. Everything I do I questions if my wife is going to approve or if it's going to make her happy. I'm feel I'm walking on eggshells.
I know I have to do less talking and more doing but I cannot find the doing that will make her happy.
I'd like to ready something that talks about the wife not being willing to forgive the wayward husband. I also feel that this techniques work when both are willing to work on saving the relationship and in my case she has demonstrated for quite a while that she does not want to. I feel she made her decision.
Should I talk to her again and ask her what she wants to do?
On our last conversation she had to stop. Said that she was feeling to emotional and did not want to make a final decision like this even though she said separation. After that she has been friendly but I can tell she does not feel anything for me and that she has huge emotional walls. I feel she is in permanent withdrawal.

1. Im scared of getting addicted. I hear they are very addicting...
2. I will do that.
3. I will try my best. But I really need to know my love busters and she doesn't want to fill out the questionnaire. I don't want to force her for anything anymore. I can only ask.
I asked her a couple of days a go that if she knew there was a possibility of her recovering the love that she had for me, if she would take it and she said yes. I told her that I know is possible but to and will do everything to make it happen. I felt she was starting to feel overwhelmed and I told her to live it up to me and that she doesn't have to do anything if she doesn't feel like it. The only thing that I needed was for her to fill up the questionnaires. I am still waiting...
Any recommendations?

Antidepressants are not addictive nor will they make you feel strange or fuzzy-headed. I've been on them and so has my H to get us through a rough patch. They really help. We haven't had to be on them for about three years, so it doesn't need to be forever. Wellbutrin is a good one to start out with because there are fewer side effects and no apparent effect on libido.

Read up on the love busters and make sure you aren't doing any of them. Can you recognize a selfish demand? Disrespectful judgment? And the others? Make sure you read up on them all thoroughly, then eliminate them from your life.

Have you instituted the extraordinary precautions? Go ahead and do every one of them, even if your wife seems noncommittal.

It's hard to describe the horror that the betrayed spouse feels and the swings back and forth between thinking to possibly reconcile then back to not wanting anything to do with the person who caused so much pain.

You can probably guess what your wife's ENs are, but she's likely in withdrawal, making meeting her needs very difficult. You can still be kind and considerate, though. You can still gently ask her if she'd go for a walk with you. And don't talk relationship stuff. You can still say nice things to her and help her with meals. Anything at all that you can do that you know or think she would like, then do it.

Never be angry or impatient with her. Consistently show her, through your actions, that you love her and will do all that is possible to earn her forgiveness.

"I will try" often translates into doing nothing. Don't try. Start doing.

You don't need her to fill out forms in order for you to start. The forms are basically a short cut, and she may not be willing to go that route for awhile. Become an expert on Lovebusters and emotional needs. Read everything you can find on the subject, then read them again. Listen to the radio show. Sign up for the radio archives. And start looking for the Lovebusters in yourself.

You need to start educating yourself.

I think I was on an AD for only about three months! By the end of that time I had changed the way I relate to my wife quite a bit.

Tell him about your husband, who was "working on it" for a year or two before actually doing anything!

Do it anyway. Trust me on this. Addiction to ADs (if that's even possible) would be a LOT better than losing your marriage forever!


You'll likely offend her even by asking - I think you can look at Dr. Harley's list of all six love busters and see ways in which you've been guilty of every single one of them. If you'll start listening to Dr. Harley's radio show daily, you'll hear lots of examples of disrespect and learn how to eliminate it from your behavior toward your wife, and learn how to be thoughtful toward her instead of thoughtless. (And if you aren't even committed enough to give this that much effort, I wouldn't say there's much hope here.)

As my wife said, forms are a convenient shortcut. They often aren't available to men who are trying to win their wife back. But guess what - when a man courts a woman, she usually doesn't fill out forms for him, then, either. Yet somehow, men manage to man up and win the woman that they want for their bride. They do it by putting their best foot forward and being on their best behavior toward her at all times.

I had very few forms available to me when I won my wife back and turned our marriage around. She filled some out but usually wasn't working with me and was usually not willing to provide clarifications or updates - so I had to figure out all that stuff myself, the hard way. I still won her back.

Of course, I couldn't have done it if I was too emotional to stick to a plan, so get some help with antidepressants to even out your emotions.


Didn't I just tell you not to do this? Stop trying to persuade her to give it a try. Success in winning your wife back comes from actually winning her back, not talking and getting her hopes up. Let her hopes get up AFTER your actions, not BEFORE. Stop doing this.


Of course she did - you were pressuring her instead of letting her make her own decision. Stop trying to control her. Another word for control is abuse. Why would she want to commit to that for life, at this point?


Yes, stop pressuring her and throwing forms at her!!! Marriage Builders is mainly a bunch of rules for MEN to follow to make marriage fulfilling for their wives - learn how to follow this program yourself, and you stand a chance of winning her back. When you have discussions like this and ask her for forms and such you are not winning her - you are standing still doing nothing at all asking her to do the work. Given the situation, how is that fair? Typically a larger share of the work to repair a marriage falls on the husband - and definitely morally shouldn't it fall on the formerly wayward spouse? So quit having discussions about her doing anything to save the marriage - instead, have conversations with her that she enjoys, and spend time with her that she enjoys. Make deposits, not withdrawals. (Pressuring her is a big withdrawal.)

Do you own the books Surviving an Affair and Love Busters? Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show daily? How serious are you?

I second the advice you've been given. Get some anti depressants (the realisations of everything are only just hitting you now) and STOP trying to talk her into reconciliation. It is a selfish demand. She needs actions before she can even consider what you are asking, not words and forms.

Most of us BS's have been on anti depressants and found they enabled us to keep walking during a time of terrible trauma. They were very temporary for most of us.

The less emotional you feel, the more cheerfully and calmly you will be able to go about your tasks. Emotion makes you needy and prone to pressuring your wife. You need patience.

Court her the old fashioned way - without any forms! Consider what are HER biggest worries and challenges right now. She is probably concerned about how she is going to parent and live alone - and whether you will help her without her pledging herself to you.

So, be a nice guy. Be helpful. Call her up and ask her what she needs. Be selfless and don't even bring up the forms. Make her laugh, be a good friend.

Once you get your emotions in check you will see how many things there are that you can offer her.

But you must keep in mind that she at no point owes you anything but that she is owed any help and reassurance you can give her.

Never make her feel she is obligated.

Once we start making amends to people we've hurt we often start to feel better about ourselves.

When my BH first found out about my A, he also saw the doctor and started on something to get him through. He was only on them for a few months. As a nurse, I can assure you, that if you follow your doctors advice on how to come off them (when your ready) you will be fine ~ any medication had a risk of side effects both being on them AND weaning off of them,

This thread is absolutely dripping with wayward entitlement! The BS is the one who is entitled to make the decision on continuation of the marriage. The wayward has surrendered this by choice. It is too late. If your BS wants to pull the plug and you have even a tiniest morsel of respect for her, you will accept your medicine and get out of her way.

You can try to change her mind, but you have to do so respectfully. Quite frankly, I think she is making the right decision. Can you respect her enough to see how this is true for her?