Hi my name is **edit** and my husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 4. We me while he and I were both married and I was going through a divorce, my soon to be ex husband had moved out months before. He was in a loveless marriage that had turned into a roommate situation. We began seeing eachother and 8 months later I got pregnant. He was so happy but we were also both in the military and I had to move away to avoid getting in trouble for infidelity in the military. I had our first child in November 2006, another January 2008, and a set of twins December 2009. All this while I was stationed in San Antonio and he was in New Jersey still living with his wife for the sake of his daughter who was almost done with high school. I loved him then so deeply and there was nothing I wanted more than him. I couldn't bear the thought of not having him in my life so I hung on and hoped one day we would be together like we discussed.� He said he didn't love her, they spent no time together and eventually she found out about me and our children. She told his commander about it but no military consequences resulted. They eventually divorced. While I was pregnant with our twins he was very mean to me saying things like he wished he never met me and how I was a mistake and I ruined his life. He said these things weekly. I gave birth to our twins alone in Dec 2009 and experienced post partum bleeding that almost killed me. He continued to say those sorts of things over the course of the next several months. I couldn't understand why as his divorce was almost finalized and we would soon be able to live together. We married in April 2010 and soon after he continued to say he wished me and the kids were dead. I cannot describe the hurt. I met another Soldier at work and began a friendship. We texted often and were friends on Facebook. I did not tell him because he was constantly accusing me of cheating even though he had no reason to in the time were were stationed apart. One day as I was preparing to leave San Antonio heading for Maryland where we were going to live together my husband and I argued and I was crying but I had to outprocess the military post and that involved seeing my friend to turn in paperwork. The man I was friends with saw that I had been upset and he hugged me. When I pulled away to leave he kissed me. I pulled away and left. I did not talk to him for several days. I then saw him at work and agreed to help him finish some work stuff but nothing more as the whole thing was wrong. My husband found the many calls and text messages when he was looking at our shared phone bill. I lied at first then I told him what happened. When it happened I felt lost, depressed, and not the person I had always been. I was run down and felt broken I do not remember a darker time in my life. My work included waking up at 3 am everyday and coming home at 6:30 pm amd taking care of 4 small children alone for years. We have fought and fought about it and I have often answered all of his questions about it but he thinks I am lying and I had sex with him. I do everything I am supposed to do. He knows my every move, he can look at my facebook, email and phone anytime. I never go out or call friends. I don't have any friends anymore because he thinks the friends I had know all about the kiss. So I don't talk to anyone, things have gotten a little better but it's been 4 years and he still says things like I know you "**edit**him" and others. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time and I can't speak to a male at all because he thinks everyone wants to have sex with me so I don't. I am in the military and I can't avoid speaking to men. Recently I was away for a month for training and afterwards 3 of the males I trained with sent me friend requests on Facebook.� I didn't think much about it and accepted. I feel like many people friend everyone on Facebook and it wasn't an issue. It turned into an argument again. I'm away now for more military training. I can't concentrate. I love him but I feel like I can't do anything to earn any trust back. He uses my mistakes and this issue to win arguments that have nothing to do with the topic of disagreement. I'm starting to feel trapped and Iike I can't breathe because everything I do is evidence of infidelity to him. I love my husband and I want us to be in a marriage where we can love and respect each other. We have 5 boys ages 7, 6, 4 (twins) and 2 and I want them to have the best example of a loving home possible. What should I do?

I would like to add that we have had many, many happy times since but this issue just won't go away. I know we love each other and both want to stay together.

Welcome to MB, drm2.

This is one of the saddest stories of betrayal that I've read on here. My heart goes out to that betrayed wife who found out that her husband had 4 children with you.

It would be very hard for you to convince your husband that your emotional affair was not a sexual affair, because you had a sexual affair with him (and how!) when he was married (and you were divorcing). I think you will need the expert help of Dr Harley, who created the Marriage Builders Programme. You can write to him at the radio show, and he will answer your email on air (your name will not be revealed) and he might ask you if you want to be on the radio show in person. You will get the best help directly from him.

I don't have any advice to give you because these marriages, called "affairages" are almost always a disaster. He knows he can't trust you and you can't trust him. This affair is the biggest mistake of his life. The best advice I can give you is to write Dr Harley at his radio show for advice. Here is one of Dr Harley's posts to another man who was in an affairage:

Quote: I've read through your original question and the responses you've received, and almost to a responder, they are warning you about what happens to relationship that originated as an affair. I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.

While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.

I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented. My main contention is that for whatever reasons, those who have affairs tend not to follow one of my cardinal principles for marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). They tend to do what they please without considering each other's feelings. While that may not apply to both members of the relationship, it almost always applies to at least one of them. Your friend's affair with another man in the beginning your your relationship is evidence that she's not thinking about your interests.

I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed.

There are so many obsticles to overcome. In addition to failure to follow the POJA, there is also a marked failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They tend to be incredibly dishonest, in spite of the fact that they start out thinking they can look right into each other's very souls.

But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.

I'm sure that your counselor has been encouraging your wife to negotiate with you so that you can reach a joint agreements regarding her children, but to no avail. And I've experienced the same thing. In spite of a blended family couple's willingness to follow the POJA when I talk to them, when it comes to a decision that will affect the welfare of their children, the commitment is broken.

The advice you have been receiving on the Forum focuses attention on your affair. I've written quite a bit on that topic, and many of the responders have read it. In general, I warn people to avoid an affair because if the very same problems you are facing. And if a vast amount of research and my own professional experience can be trusted, it happens to 99% of those who try to make an affair last.

While it's very unlikely that you will follow my advice because you're in love with "Jane," leaving this relationship, and restoring your relationship with your first wife is the wisest choice. But if you want to know how you can be the 1% that thrives in spite of the obsticles you face, my advice is that you both learn to follow the POJA with every decision you make, including those with the children. If those decisions are made with mutual care, you may be able to figure out how to make the rest of your relationship work.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Your marriage started out as an affair, and I hate to tell you that the odds of it surviving are stacked against you. I'm sorry. Your best chance is to contact Dr. Harley himself and follow his advice to the letter.

Are you willing to email him?

Thank you all for your honest and sincere answers. I realize that this relationship started off terribly and I wish we had waited until we were both in a position to be together the proper way. I will contact Dr. Harley. Thanks again all.

You can email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Dr. Harley has tried to save these affairages and mentions this on his show.
But, they are so rooted in selfishness that the partners simply refuse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement.

The military will order him to stay away from your wife.

We're married and he is no longer in the military. Thanks again for your help all

whoops! I posted in the wrong thread.

Frankly, your new husband is right to not trust you. You were involved in an emotional affair that was heading straight towards a physical one. Be honest, that kiss didn't just come out of the blue.

Both of you would need to make radical changes and agree to complete transparency with each other. And the likelihood that you both agree and implement that lifestyle is very low.

Radical Honesty about everything is needed -- and you have very likely been lied to since the very start. He played you as much as he played his previous wife. You finally won the "prize."

I really think that you should apologize to your DH's BW. You actually got pregnant several times by another woman's H and then M him. I hate to say that you deserve ill treatment but what you did was wrong on so many levels. How can you expect him to ever respect you after what the two of you did? This M has little to no chance of surviving. And not many years later you were embarking on another A. You need more than MC. You need IC counseling because you have very unhealthy values.