With so much temptation and access to temptation these days, I can see why. Back when my grand parents were married there was no internet to connect them to others and not a lot of women in the work place so men were surrounded by men and not tempted by their female co workers. I often wish we lived in simpler times, it's hard to navigate this high tech life. Although it has it's advantages too.

Thank you again

What you described above is exactly how affairs begin. Your husband has very inappropriate boundaries around women and claiming to not be attracted to her is a HUGE RED FLAG. That means that neither of you are aware of how affairs begin. Affairs start just way with personal, intimate conversation. If you don't believe me, just go look at the thousands of cases over on the SAA forum.

I would make a rule that your husband and you never discuss the affair again. This "friend" should be asked to never discuss it again too. It is none of her business and only brings the most horrible tragedy of the past into the present.

I concur with this. My blood boiled when I read this. How DARE she make such a comment about your private, personal life? I notice how easy it is for buttinskis to have such grand sounding, noble "opinions" about other peoples lives when it is not their ox getting gored.

Oh my goodness lil, he is discussing his marriage and his personal feelings about an oc with a WOMAN!!!!!!!!

You're OK with it? Are you freaking kidding me?

I also knew my good friend the OW, who I had known since childhood was "genuinely trying to help". She was too.

She had just been widowed, losing the man who had been my husband's best friend since childhood. We had always been a quartet, and I saw no danger in the three of us remaining friends after DF's death. I trusted her with my life.

There wouldn't have been any danger either if she'd kept her nose out of our business instead of stepping right in the middle of the marriage. She was lonely and enjoyed fixing our problems. It brought her closer to us.

Well, closer to me at least initially. With DH, they fell in love.

Suddenly she was critical of everything I did and supportive of everything he wanted.

PoJA was a nightmare - it was no longer what suited us two, but what did solution did the THREE of us vote for? Guess what, it was always two against one.



The OW in my case was that friend you sorta feel sorry for because she is not pretty. I'll always remember when we went shopping for my wedding dress how bitterly jealous she got over the fact they had to take in the waist to tiny proportions. She had always struggled with her weight.

That's why I never felt threatened when he went round to her house to help out. It's not like he was dropping by on a supermodel. He too, had a very high PA need

I'm sure that's why he also felt safe to open his lovebank around her. He won't have expected to feel anything for her. He let down his guard because she wasn't hot.

They'd had ample opportunity to date as teenagers. They had never had any interest in each other at all. She thought he was annoying with boring interests (very different IQ's) and he thought she was pudgy and ugly. He was almost embarrassed for his friend when they got engaged, though he liked her well enough.

Concerns like how attractive and how suitable only occur to SINGLE people who are shopping for a mate. They aren't considerations to married people who blindly stumble onto cheap admiration and unstinting support from someone who is always agreeable.

That doesn't matter in affairs. Affairs don't take place with suitable people. They always take place with the most UNsuitable person, and that's why 95pc don't last.

I'm astonished you don't know this stuff after already surviving an affair.

Usually when two people are just STARTING to talk about personal stuff, it remains a secret to the BS. The fact they are being so bold tells me this has been going on a while.

The OW did not start lobbying me on his behalf until after the A took root, until after feelings started to develop. Usually it was to make trouble or set me up.

Normal women's responses to private revelations:

"Well, that is between you and your wife! It isn't my business at all!"

Low boundary woman's response:

"Oh really? Tell me more so we can be closer"

Deep in an Affair OW's response:

"You poor darling. Enough is enough. I am going to tell her she is so wrong."

The fact that she is comparing OC with your children and lumping them all in the same basket for 'when you separate' is a MASSIVE red flag.

Do snoop, and quickly too.

How come you and your child are so close to HIS co-worker?

Was that his idea that you two become friends?

I also found it odd in the extreme that as a BW herself she is sympathetic to the child of an OW. Particularly since that isn't even historically your H's opinion.

You and your H were in enthusiastic agreement on the OC until she stuck her big hooter in. A place ordinary people would fear to tread because it is the hot button issue in a marriage. Most people would mind their own beeswax.

Why is she so keen to make trouble?


None of it adds up.

Stock phrases for you whenever you are confronted by your "friend":

1. "DH and I have decided not to talk about our marriage to outsiders any more. He told me yesterday not to. When it is just us two we always agree".

2. "How's it going with us? This pregnancy is giving me so much energy I can't keep my hands off DH. Last night we were making out like teenagers. He's loving it!" (Most especially if this is not true)

3. "How's it going with us? Wonderful. Last night he told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world and he is so glad he doesn't have a short/fat/ugly wife! He said I make him proud. Isn't he silly?"

Do this while you snoop.

Why?

You don't know why do you? He provoked you into a fight so he could get some derogatory comment off you like "not a man" for the way he was treating you.

He didn't mention any real complaint to his friend. There's so few complaints he can make to this potential OW, he invented one - the OC. You know he doesn't really care about the OC and that is the ONLY complaint this new OW has been able to manufacture to cause trouble.

He's making complaints about a marriage with which he has no complaints. She is stomping around where angels fear to tread.

I am very, very concerned about this woman honey.

Can you move lilbit?

Lill, how are you doing?

I'm sorry lilbit that this is the character your DH has. Wow. And an affair already, and two out of wedlock kids. I hope everything works out okay for you. That all would make me a nervous wreck.