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gkumar #2806393 06/10/14 12:54 PM
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I DO UNDERSTAND THE LARGEST BURDEN IS ON ME AND THAT I HAVE TO MAKE THIS RIGHT.
But all of u have been through this ,please answer if bringing up the past again and again and throwing it on your spouse will make any difference to your present opr your future??
this is really frustrating everything I say is looked upon as a lie and manipulation.



gkumar #2806409 06/10/14 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by gkumar
I DO UNDERSTAND THE LARGEST BURDEN IS ON ME AND THAT I HAVE TO MAKE THIS RIGHT.
But all of u have been through this ,please answer if bringing up the past again and again and throwing it on your spouse will make any difference to your present opr your future??
this is really frustrating everything I say is looked upon as a lie and manipulation.
As kindly as possible, I need to tell you that OF COURSE you see that bringing up the past is hurtful. It hurts YOU the most (right now), and so you can see that. Your wife is still reeling from this, and none of us are giving her a free pass, but man, it is going to take her a minute to get it that it is hurting her also.

For right now, I think that you PERSONALLY are going to need to read and study the MB material as quickly as you can (I just posted a link to the love buster info on your wife's thread ).

Do your best to stop either of you going down the angry outburst road. You will begin to sense your wife's emotions and see when she is getting close to that ledge, and you will learn with time to help her back onto safe ground.

When she makes a disrespectful judgment, instead of answering in kind and causing things to escalate, you can simply respond with "my past hurts us both, and I want you to never be hurt again". Or something similar. Sorry, I am a bit rushing now because I have to leave for an appointment. DO read that love buster link though. smile


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@BLIND SIGHTED 2013,
yes I have been doing that avoiding angry out bursts ,I keep explaining to her that the past would ever solve the present and the future.
I have days oh chatting with her just trying to explain to her ,however she does not realize that some times its good to breathe and back off.
I think she has made up her mind on a divorce and then thanks to volunteers like MARCO who shouldn't be in this program who encourage seperations than BUILDING MARRIAGES .

gkumar #2806440 06/10/14 03:50 PM
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Originally Posted by gkumar
@BLIND SIGHTED 2013,
yes I have been doing that avoiding angry out bursts ,I keep explaining to her that the past would ever solve the present and the future.
I have days oh chatting with her just trying to explain to her ,however she does not realize that some times its good to breathe and back off.
I think she has made up her mind on a divorce and then thanks to volunteers like MARCO who shouldn't be in this program who encourage seperations than BUILDING MARRIAGES .

Marriage Builders does not force betrayed spouses to stay with their unfaithful spouses, though. Dr. Harley completely understands and supports a betrayed spouse if he or she wants to leave the marriage. If a betrayed spouse WANTS to recover, he will help. That's what this forum is for. If you believe a poster is not giving you Dr. Harley's advice, then notify the moderators.

If your wife wants a divorce, then be gracious about it. If your wife wants to recover, then read Surviving an Affair. Make amends to your wife whom you have hurt in the worse way possible.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

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gkumar #2806441 06/10/14 03:53 PM
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As a person who is guilty and remorseful,i am doing my best to get her back,i have not for one minute thought of a separation as that is not a option.I truly love her .
I have been a shameless pig ,I am ready to do whatever it takes.
She asked for a polygraph test I said yes absolutely.
I am never ever going to hurt her again.But for her to see that she has to be open,right now she has shut herself to me completely.
And truthfully speaking I registered on this website to help us be together and not get advises on getting divorced.the fact remains that she is still with me and we both want to work this thing out .So please I request those who are advising her on a divorce to stop that.

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yes I will read the book and do anything and everything in my power to keep this marriage.
I just start getting fearful of the questions from the past which have no standing now .And she comes across too strongly which I understand but when I am not lying now she keeps caling me a liar and refuses to get out of the chain of past thoughts.
if we have to survive we have to do it together .

gkumar #2806448 06/10/14 04:09 PM
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It will help your marriage a lot if you stop focusing on what your wife is doing wrong and focus on what you can be doing.

I had to learn to control my temper and stop bringing up the past. The way my H really helped me was to be unfailingly kind and gentle with me, even through my own love busters. He would say in a nice tone of voice that he was so sorry that he'd hurt me, that he'd never hurt me again, and that he was going to show me he could be a good husband.

And then he WOULD show me by his actions that he was a changed man.

When I brought up the past, he'd (gently, always gently) say he didn't want to talk about the mistakes of the past. By then, though, we'd already been through the entire telling of the truth.

When is your polygraph scheduled? Does your wife have her questions lined up?


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I have been doing so exactly,i have been polite and receptive.I have not raised my voice or said anything derogatory to her since the last 2 weeks.The truth is I understand that I have messed her life up.
I have committed myself to change and never to lie to her again.
She mentioned the polygraph yesterday and I said yes lets go ahead.
I haven't heard from her since about the polygraph.

Last edited by gkumar; 06/10/14 04:28 PM.
gkumar #2806454 06/10/14 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by gkumar
But how can we work this if there is a new situation every other day,this is a sad way to live especially for the children as they sense the tension,one day we are laughing and smiling holding each other the other day there is so much stress it's really hard.

Aren't you so noble to worry about the children" now that you have thrown a firebomb into their family? I am sorry that *YOU* caused the tension in their family. Maybe you can man up and apologize to them?

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I don't think there is such a rule that a person cannot change over night,I told u I have done many things inthe past but I have never heard the quiver in my children's voice,sometimes all it takes is ur own flesh and blood to spit on u.

I would strongly suggest that you don't drag out your changes "over night" because your marriage will not survive a single new incident. You had better not take that long. You need to make a decision to change NOW and do it.

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I guess I have had it,I won't lie or cheAt her,she is a awesome human being and my whole goal is to try and give her back her self esteem Nd the respect she deserves,but how can I when I am shunned on every advance I make?

Talk is cheap and means nothing. She needs to see hard and fast actions.

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@melody lane we are trying our best to make everything transparent,I have said yes to the polygraph ,I want to clean this mess up so I cn get my wife back.
Thanks again for all your assistance

good!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


gkumar #2806456 06/10/14 04:47 PM
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Originally Posted by gkumar
And truthfully speaking I registered on this website to help us be together and not get advises on getting divorced.the fact remains that she is still with me and we both want to work this thing out .So please I request those who are advising her on a divorce to stop that.

You are not in a position to decide for her if she needs a divorce. That might be the best thing for her. And if she decides to get divorced, we would support that. What you have done to her is much worse than what we usually see here. No one would blame her if she chose to divorce.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2806480 06/10/14 07:49 PM
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I have not read that anyone has recommended or advised your Wife to seek a divorce.

What i Have seen and read is, that if that was the direction that SHE chooses to head towards, then she will be given support in HER decision.

She is dealing with her lifelong marriage being exposed as a fraud and being lied to and cheated on in every way imaginable, yet you want to not feel her discomfort and cries for help by having "Verbally" stating that you have become a changed man for the past 2 weeks.

Learn urgently how to best address her current daily concerns without resentments and angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments.

Get the polygraph scheduled ASAP.

SHOW the changes instead of speaking about them.

Become TOTALLY Transparent so no Secret Second Life could EVER be possible.

Read Surviving An Affair.

Implement ALL of the EP's suggested by Melody.

You have less than 30 days to SHOW her the changes you MUST commit to for your lifetime.

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I have advised her to divorce if you do not get the book Surviving An Affair and follow the plan within it to restore your marriage. If you were to do nothing to recover, it will be better for her and the children to do that than to wait around on you. If you have a problem with that advice, that says more about you than it does me.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

gkumar #2806492 06/10/14 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by gkumar
yes I will read the book and do anything and everything in my power to keep this marriage.
I just start getting fearful of the questions from the past which have no standing now .And she comes across too strongly which I understand but when I am not lying now she keeps caling me a liar and refuses to get out of the chain of past thoughts.
if we have to survive we have to do it together .

What do you mean by "questions from the past which have no standing now"? Are you hiding something else that you have not disclosed yet?

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
armymama #2806494 06/10/14 09:00 PM
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no everything has been told to her and there is no more left..

gkumar #2806496 06/10/14 09:03 PM
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dear all,
thanks for all your help.
my wife has decided against giving this a try and is leaving.
I truly thought this would help her but instead it went the other way.
she is doing so without the polygraph test.
I have caused this and I am not going to hold her back any more.i love her..

gkumar #2806497 06/10/14 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by gkumar
@BLIND SIGHTED 2013,
yes I have been doing that avoiding angry out bursts ,I keep explaining to her that the past would ever solve the present and the future.
I have days oh chatting with her just trying to explain to her ,however she does not realize that some times its good to breathe and back off.
This is laced with disrespectful judgment, a love buster. Your wife is not going to view you right now as any sort of example for solving present and future problems when you keep "explaining" to her. When you say to us that "she does not realize" that sometimes it is good to breathe and back off�that is not going to help the situation at all.

YOU are not in charge of making your wife "realize" anything. And besides, that insinuates that you feel that YOU have the best viewpoint about how SHE should view the situation.

How about instead, telling her that you feel horrible for the suffering that she is enduring, and asking if there is anything that you can do right this second to help her to feel any relief? In the same situation, my husband used to go off quietly, grab a Bible, and then sit by me and read it out loud (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 did wonders for me).
Originally Posted by gkumar
I think she has made up her mind on a divorce and then thanks to volunteers like MARCO who shouldn't be in this program who encourage seperations than BUILDING MARRIAGES .
I don't agree with you that Marcos would have said anything to encourage separations or divorce. I think that what Marcos or Prisa SAID is that *IF* you don't agree to follow the MB program AND agree to all of the extraordinary precautions, THEN your wife would not be safe with you. Which is very true. WHY does that bother you?

Frankly, it is bothering ME that it is bothering you!

I don't have time to go back and read the exact wording of their posts on your wife's thread, because my husband and I are going to go out and enjoy some time together on our deck, but he quite kindly offered for me to take a break and go to check your threads. Because we and all of the other volunteers here do care.

Marriage Builders is not save a marriage at any cost program. BUT it's the ONLY program that offers a systematic approach to save marriages after wreaked with adultery (the worst pain that can ever be inflicted on a spouse OR on a marriage).


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I have tried everything,i have lost my marriage becoz of my actions.
I am sorry to have hurt anyones feelings on this forum.
thank u for all your help.
I was once a liar ,today no truth can match up to my past lies.

hope you guys always do the good work and some one can save their marriage.
good bye!

gkumar #2806517 06/11/14 12:53 AM
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Originally Posted by gkumar
I have tried everything,i have lost my marriage becoz of my actions.
I am sorry to have hurt anyones feelings on this forum.
thank u for all your help.
I was once a liar ,today no truth can match up to my past lies.

hope you guys always do the good work and some one can save their marriage.
good bye!

WOW. You are in an amazing hurry to give up and pronounce your marriage dead as quick as you can before putting out any effort whatsoever.

It's amazing to me that you think I should encourage your wife to recover her marriage with you. You really think that I should be your accomplice in bamboozling a victim of infidelity into signing up for enduring the trauma all over again with a man who is not putting forth the effort?

Now - IF you were to read the program in Surviving an Affair and follow it TO THE LETTER, you would find that your wife would WANT to recover with you. There would be no way we could talk her out of it. Wild horses would not be able to drag her away from you. She would find you irreplaceable and find you to be the center of her world.

But what do I know? I'm just a guy who actually did the work, put forth the effort, did not run away when my wife showed reluctance (for an extremely long period of time I might add) and busted his butt and finally recovered his marriage.

If you are waving the white surrender flag this fast, after spending all the time since D-Day refusing to even read a book with your wife, it's proof positive that she should not even attempt to recover her marriage with you.

My hope is that you will read this and decide to go make up to that woman for the pain you have caused her by becoming the best possible husband on earth to her. That is the MARRIAGE BUILDING that we promote here. It's not for wimps.

weightlifter


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2806526 06/11/14 06:39 AM
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I agree with Markos, just throwing in the towel isn't this what got you into this situation quitting on what is suppose to be right and honest.
Read the information change yourself and be serious.
Then when you are different you can still Plan A her in a separation even not living in the same house��.she is looking for change and all she sees is you bailing on the relationship. do the work if you truly mean you screwed this up.
Little by little she should see the changes and regain her trust in the possibility of your relationship being something real for her���
It took a long time to dig yourself in and it is going to take a lot of effort and change to crawl out of your hole���.is it worth it is she is your family?
You have some time left I would do everything possible without any expectation from her, start with the polygraph so she knows she has everything and then always speak the truth so she doesn't fear more hurt coming her way�..
Answer any and all questions with care and consideration for her needs, be apologetic and have empathy for what you have done to her not what is happening for you��..it was your choice and not a mistake it's up to you to fix that now..
Don't bail and be the old you anymore, if she sees that you will lose your wife and life


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
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Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
markos #2806539 06/11/14 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by gkumar
I have tried everything,i have lost my marriage becoz of my actions.
I am sorry to have hurt anyones feelings on this forum.
thank u for all your help.
I was once a liar ,today no truth can match up to my past lies.

hope you guys always do the good work and some one can save their marriage.
good bye!

WOW. You are in an amazing hurry to give up and pronounce your marriage dead as quick as you can before putting out any effort whatsoever.
If you're not willing to do anything to recover your marriage, than this is for the best. Why lead your BS on to think differently? Quitting now is admirable, in a bizarre kind of way. You are sparing your BS any more pain in trying to recover from a hopeless situation. Please don't lead any other women on in the future. You are just not marriage material.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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