Your husband made the decision to risk his job in order to have this affair. The affair is more important to him than the job. His employer needs to know what is going on. Then they can make a decision about these two employees consistent with the company's policies. Your husband's job is a lost cause, and your marriage will not stand a chance of recovery if he stays there. By aiding him in keeping these facts secret, you are assisting him in committing fraud against the employer. The employer has a right to know when the actions of its employees compromise the company.

Hello again. I appreciate all the responses and advice and wanted to give an update. The last couple of days has been a roller coaster of emotions and extremely exhausting. As I suspected a few days ago, H wanted to come clean about his fling with his co-worker. But he didn't exactly come clean at first. He talked around a mistake, an unfortunate event, momentary lack of judgement. There was drinking, and talking and a kiss before they both realized it was a mistake. I didn't say anything while he was telling me all this. I didn't let on what I knew but I started asking questions, like I was trying to understand how it happened. The story went from the single kiss to intimacies but with them stopping before "anything really happened".

I made sure I wasn't yelling (I didn't know I had that much willpower), just peppering him with questions. In quick fashion, so he didn't have time to think about his answers. The more I questioned things, the deeper the story went (he really wasn't very good at that part) until it was obvious that the whole story wasn't making sense.

They were both very drunk (which I do believe). Eventually, he admitted that they had sex and spent the night together. That really sends me over the edge. How can it be a momentary lapse if you take the time to snuggle up afterwards? Sorry, I may be venting incoherently here. I've spent the last couple of days becoming enraged at the stupidest parts of this. I'm starting to wonder at how illogical I am about this whole thing.

But, back to the outcome: he told her the next day it couldn't happen again. He's remorseful, angry with himself and sad for how he's hurt me, is very embarrased. He said he doesn't know what overcame him - why he did it; maybe an ego thing - a stupid drunken way to prove himself.

He's cut off all contact on his won. They haven't spoken or seen each othe since he told her the next day that it was a mistake and would never happen again. He arranged to miss a meeting this week because he knew she'd be there. He promises it WON'T happen again. He thinks that she may have feelings for him, and so he's afraid of what she could do. He's scared that work may find out, that she may tell someone. They haven't spoken in over 3 weeks. No contact at all.

I feel like my head is going to explode. I don't know what I think or how I feel. I am so hurt and humiliated. I can't believe what a jerk he's been. I would never have guessed he could do this ... the whole thing makes me feel sick. And at the same time I see how devastated he is. I don't know what to do next or how I should feel.

Is it too early to hope that this has been one of the toughest lessons he's ever had? He swears he'd never be able to even speak with her comfortably again.

I am so sorry, but your situation is hopeless as long as they continue to see each other at work and the affair remains secret. They cannot work together ever again because every time they see each other their feelings will be triggered. That will happen every day.

They are free to carry on their affair every day at work and you will never be the wiser.

Your marriage will never recover until he leaves this job.

Keeping the affair a secret for your husband and his girlfriend will only ENABLE their affair. Now they are free to carry on all day at work and on future business trips. By keeping their secret, you helped the affair at the expense of your marriage. Like Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of MArriage Builders said: "It is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler." listen here to his radio clip

here

I would ask you if you plan on informing the OW's husband so he can protect himself and his children from your husband. What is the plan for this?

I should say that they don't work together in the same building - its a very large organization with many "campuses" - each facility is like a village into itself. Blocks of offices, stores, services, etc. set miles apart, some in completely different area.

She works in another campus in another part of town. They do attend senior meetings once a month and were working on project together. Ironically this happened when they travelled out of town to do the final client presentation. If they hadn't had a celebratory dinner that night, we wouldn't be here.

He is seriously passionate about not seeing her, talking to her. He showed me an email where he was supposed to have a telephone meeting with her and he delegated it to another project manager so he wouldn't even have to talk by phone.

Yes, I understand this. And they can also see each other at work every day. You should understand that recovery is impossible under these circumstances. You have been warned that the affair will not end.


Of course he will say that because he does not want to give up his girlfriend. Someone who is serious about ending his affair leaves the job. Your husband is telling you things to get you off his back so he can resume his affair. I am sorry that you will find this out the hard way. I hope it is not too late.

The affair is not over, Madam.

Right now I am not going to speak to her husband. The man scares me and always has. He's initimidating when he's sober and downright nasty when he's been drinking. He's the guy who charges the referee at the kid's soccer game when he doesn't agree with the call.

Even as awful as he is, he doesn't deserve this to happen. But I didn't deserve it either and I don't deserve having to worry about having a lunatic at my door or in my rear view mirror on top of everything else.

I may be selfish, but right now I don't care about protecting him. I care about protecting myself and my family.

Unfortunately, you will be the one who pays the price for that decision. You don't protect your self by keeping the affair a secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping the affair a secret only enables it to continue.

Not only is it selfish and callous but it will blow up in your face.

You don't protect yourself or your family by keeping the OW's little secret. You make it easier for the affair to continue. The only thing that benefits from your secrecy is the affair.

**EDIT**

We have been trying to tell you that they BOTH have feelings for each other. It has developed over time in plain view for the office to see. Workplace affairs are very obvious to co-workers no matter how sly the infidels believe they are being. If you have ever worked in an office, you will know what I am talking about. Please tell me that you do not believe that everyone in the office is clueless.



You need to talk to the OW's BH not only because it is THE RIGHT THING to do and what YOU would expect but also because chances are very good that he will eventually find out and it will be through the office gossip mill. That will be an invitation for him to come knocking on your door in a rage.

However, you can control when he finds out and what he hears by telling him yourself. Do not underestimate the power of that. If he goes crazy, then you call the police...that is why we have police. I imagine that he will be gutted just like you.


Your husband needs to leave that job. The fact that he has chosen to stay and just try to avoid OW is a red flag.




Yes because you are planning to sweep it under the rug. You are signing up for a death of a thousand cuts...don't do that M.

Unfortunately, she will have to learn this the hard way when she finds out the affair has never ended and/or the OW gets pregant with his baby. We will be here to help when you are ready.

Take it from someone who knows first hand.

I found the MB forum 5 mths after my WH left me to live with the OW. I discovered the A 2 days before he left as he spent the weekend with OW. She offered him a place to "stay rent free"

I exposed and it had a huge impact but because their A had continued for so long with no interference their A became more ENTRENCHED and exposure did not end the A. I believe if I had of exposed when he left it would have ended the A.

I was in court yesterday and the Judge made an order for the dissolution of our marriage. My WH and OW are planning to marry on 3 Sept.