I did it! I did it!

OWH came home today and we spoke on the phone. Unfortunately he let her listen to our conversation and of course she denied most of what I said. She did not participate in the conversation, she must have just been signaling to him. By the time we ended our talk he was very grateful to me and trusted my honesty. See...you guys were right! Oh man...I feel so much better!

Now, what I am struggling with is that my husband is furious with me for not waiting another day. Talk about Love Busting...geeze! How do I get him to understand that I NEEDED to do this? His retraction of love and affection, stomping around and giving me the silent treatment is causing me to question this recovery! Ugh!

The problem is you really ruined the affair so he is, of course, ANGRY. You did not give him time to pre-empt you.

I would gather all your evidence NOW and walk it across the street and personally hand it to the man. Make sure you have copies in a safe place.


This is not your "struggle." HE is struggling. So let him struggle away!

And bravo to you!! Just go finish the deal by handing him the evidence before she manipulates him with her lies.

Ok, I will fwd the texts to him. How do I deal with my WWS in the meantime? Just let him treat me this way? Try to get him to understand?

He wanted to see the texts so sent them....no real reaction yet. And I'm Sooo ok with that!

Let him calm down and then tell him to come here to MB, register and tell us why he remains angry and upset. He may not like all that he hears here but MB will be honest with him and help him think this all through.

We'd really appreciate seeing what he is thinking and feeling in writing. If nothing else...putting it into words might help him get to the root of what's really bothering him.

This forum is here to help both of you fix your marriage and restore your family. Please utilize it. I've also got some links to some threads by some former wayward husband friends of mine to share with your husband.

Godspeed,

Mr. Wondering

MW, he knows but right now he is so angry at me...he is going to bed.

Maybe tomorrow, I just can't fight tonight!

The OW just txt me and said "he is divorcing me, so you should be happy about that". The nerve of her! I said "I didn't do this, YOU DID! And I'm not happy about any of it! I didn't ruin your family, you did!". Her response "true". I replied by telling her that I am done with her and lose my number!

Do you think my WWS is upset for "me" causing the OW this pain?

The amount of pain and anguish that has been released from my soul from simply telling the OWH is so incredible! Once again, thank you all for making me do that! I agree with ML, just let my WWS struggle. I didn't do this...HE DID!

I somehow feel empowered! Yes! Big Hugs too you all!!!

I don't think he precisely knows why he's upset. I think OW in pain is part of it but it's also just a general feeling of "I never intended for it to get this big and negatively effect so many people all at once".

It's common pretzel logic. He's mad, worried, guilty, concerned, scared, nervous all at the same time. I think it's much safer for him to go to bed and keep his confused pretzel thoughts to himself tonight versus trying to argue and fight it out. Mostly...I hope...he's just angry at himself.

I hope he'll have better days to come.

Also...don't let yourself worry or be bothered by OW's phone call. Her husband isn't likely to follow through with divorcing her and them staying together is the most likley outcome for them. Either way, you haven't inadvertently made the affair MORE likely because OW is about to be single. Your husband has already indicated he is choosing you and your marriage and wouldn't date OW if he were single. If he jumps ship to go be with her...he was gonna go anyway and you'll just have your answer a lot sooner than you would have had they continued with an underground secretive affair hiding it from her husband.

Doing the right thing feels good. I'm proud of you overcoming your initial fears and telling the other Betrayed Spouse. Your husband will be proud of you someday too.

Mr. W

I think he is upset because you ruined his affair. He knows who caused the "pain" and it was the man in the mirror and his skankhoe.

Let's not lose sight of who the victims are here. It ain't your husband and skanky from across the street.

Have you been tested for STDs? I would strongly recommend you do that. It is very likely she was putting out in numerous places.

THIS IS SO TRUE!

No, don't waste breath trying to get him to understand. Just any time he starts up talking about this stuff, change the subject, and if he won't change the subject, leave the room. Don't discuss it with him. Calm and cool, politely decline.

Don't fight him any time, day or night! Ever!

Eventually he will make up his mind if he wants to stay married or not, and if he does, you will have the recovery plan ready to hand to him. If not, we will be focusing on your personal recovery, which will need to involve getting the heck away from him. In the mean time, don't fight or debate with him - that will just cause pain for both of you and make recovery harder.

He's entitled to his insane opinions, but he will have to learn to keep them to himself if he wants to keep you - a requirement of keeping you will be that he STOPS trying to change your opinions and your feelings about his filthy affair.

<- portrait of a strong powerful Marriage Builder after exposure


Don't try to get him to understand anything. Just make it a FACT that if he talks about this stuff, you're outta there. Eventually he's going to be lonely and want someone in his life, and a condition of having you is that he SHUT UP about this stuff and start making JUST COMPENSATION for his terrible mistake.


He needs some time to decide whether or not to undergo the important cranial rectal extraction procedure that transforms a WH into a DH. Don't let him yak to you about all his grievances over you messing up his filthy affair, though, because that will distract him from contemplating this important decision.

I may have missed it, but is this done?


Get started looking at options for this plan. Either you will suggest a move and your husband will go with you and the two of you will recover your marriage, or you will pick a place to move by yourself and recover.

That's a stupid, shortsighted thing to do if he wants to keep his marriage! He needs to be making JUST COMPENSATION. Read this (he may want to read them as well):

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Kudos to everyone who helped this betrayed wife take the first step toward recovery!

Proud of you, HM!

Ahem, and NOW: I'm very much looking forward to your next step... When will you be taking that exactly? I want to hear a date and time -- that date and time must be THIS week. You know I will not stop hounding you about it. I think it is VERY important that you tell the others helping you on your thread what I'm talking about. Otherwise, as I've told you, it is like going to the doctor, not giving him all of your symptoms and expecting that he will be able to treat you successfully. If you don't give all the facts of your story here we can't advise you properly...

There is also an extra detail from about 4 years ago (re: WH) that needs to be disclosed.

Yes, I'm serious. Now spill it, Sister!

Mrs. W

I'm very proud of you. See how good it feels not to be ruled by fear and work from a logical plan?

I hope ALL the exposure targets have been hit?

I also hope you are keeping an eagle eye on his whereabouts/communicaitions and have checked every item on that list. I'd be interested to know if he will write an NC letter and change his contact details.

See I really think the 'break up' in front of you was a set up to prevent you speaking to her H. He is super PO'd that this hasn't worked and now he has to be faithful. Adultery is an addiction which is quite uncomfortable to go cold turkey from.

I think he believed he could still have fun with OW while pretending to recover and what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you.

Here are some good clips on Just compensation.
What is Just Compensation?