Hello,
I have posted here a couple times before.
My wife had an affair, and I found out in early May 2014.
She seems to be doing all the right things on her end, though I think she could do a little better job if trying to feel my pain and understand the way I feel. I feel that she just wants me never to mention it again, and at times when I mention it, she goes into my mistakes in the past. (Though I never touched another woman while I was married)
(Though she often does not bring up my mistakes when I mention her affair, and she just says she is deeply sorry)
Anyway, my mistake was that I searched for a couple female friends in my past on Facebook, but I made no attempt to contact them, or friend them.
She found out and was very very upset.
I am sorry, I know this was a mistake, but I get these images of her with other men in my mind and I hurt over it.
I'll post more later. Thank you

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

Sorry. Thanks!

GM,

Years ago reading this poster MrsZonie really helped me.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=149631&Number=2035577#Post2035577

God Bless
Gamma

I strongly agree.... Poly.

"Tonight I came home early from work, partly because I still feel uneasy when I am at work. (I work overnights) I found the house just the way it is supposed to be. (My 4 year old asleep wife about to fall asleep. "

This is one of the biggest problems in your marriage. Working overnights has been a disaster in your marriage. Do you not see this?

I do see it. I have tried to get off overnights, and another job would likely mean a big pay cut. I'm trying to find a day job with equal pay though.
I will say, since d day, I have been spending a lot more time with my family though.

You are thinking that you can't afford the pay cut, but the reality is that keeping the night job will cost you more.

Thanks Melody and Eureka. I'm working on it.

How can I tell if she really owns what she did?
I mean at times she still brings up what I did, and it seems she is using it as an excuse.
Other times she is saying sorry over and over and not even mentioning what I did.
I also need to get to the point where I don't mention it or rarely mention it.
I will say, all text messages,me mails and phone calls seem a ok.
I mean she is not even talking to other men as far as I can tell.
I have access to all of that stuff.

You need to start working this program if you want to this work out. Get off the night shift, stop talking about her affairs and diligently follow the program in Survivng an Affair. Dont' ask her to "own it," but change your marriage so this can't happen again.

I realize that I contributed to and at times outright caused the conditions that led to her affair.
Are you saying that I don't need to ever mention her affair to her again?
I know I need to get off the night shift, and I am looking for another job.
I am also doing my best to spend as much time with my family as possible.
Still I need my wife to understand the anguish her actions has caused me.

I'd like to add another twist.
My mom is very imposing. She was always asking a lot of questions during my marriage. My mom does not approve of many of the aspects of my marriage.
For example, my son sleeps I the same bed as my wife and always has.
(He is now 4) my mom always disapproved of this, and frankly, so have I.
I have asked my wife to fix this for years, and she has not.
(She is used to this kind of thing being from Brazil.
My mom took care of my son for a few hours while my W and I went to MC.
My mom questioned my 4 year old and came to the conclusion that my W was abusing him. (I think it is the way my mom asked questions and my 4 year old gets things in his imagination)
My mom called the police and defax came out and found nothing wrong.
I am positive my son was not abused.
I have not spoken to my mom in weeks, and my wife hates her. My son is not allowed to see her.

Sir, you dont seem to be moving along as needed.
Your first step is to expose her affairs far and wide.
You should post all 3 men on www.cheaterville.com and expose to their families and married friends.

Your wife will not understand your pain because at this point she DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU! 3 other men? If she cared about you she would not be having multiple affairs.

Sir, your wife took your son to a motel so she could have sex with another man.
I suggest you carefully consider your mothers intuition.

Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley?

Exactly! Stop bringing it up. Once you have all the facts about her affairs it should never be brought up again. Did you read Surviving an Affair?


Great!


It is critically important that you spend time with your WIFE. Out on dates for at least 15 hours per week. This is the policy of undivided attention. This is necessary to create romantic love in your marriage.


No you don't. You need to leave your anguish in the past and focus on creating happiness in the present. Understanding your anguish will not save your marriage. Affair proofing your marriage and transforming your marriage into a romantic relationship will save your marriage.

I don't know about this but what you need to do is get a polygraph test and get all the truth about the A and any potential abuse of your child. If she passes then you need to set your mother straight and advise her she is not to interfere in your marriage or the raising of your child. This is a HUGE LB for your your WW.

Your marriage should be between you and your wife and once you have all the facts from the poly then you should never bring up the A again.

If by 'owning it' you mean 'fixing it' that means living an integrated life, spending your nights together and not talking about the A. Owning it means making a romantic, affair proof marriage.

Of course she should take measures to make that happen, but from your description, you're not owning it. Recovery from an affair can only take place in very strict conditions. With your marriage in its most vulnerable state possible - you are not there. Disaster. You working overnight WILL lead to divorce. I do not mean it might do, I do not mean it is 'a bit risky' - I'm talking GUARANTEED divorce.

So financially, a pay cut will probably be less than the cost of a divorce lawyer and supporting two homes. Then there's the emotional cost of a divorce.

If you were guaranteed to get divorced with this job (and you are) - what would you do?


Your wife understanding your anguish - is unlikely. We do, having been through it, - it doesn't make us good marriage material for you! As to understanding - no one else will who hasn't been through it and it isn't necessary for recovery anyway.

Focus on being in love, and on protection of that love - not sharing pain.

Creating happiness in the present will alleviate your anguish. Talking about the tragedies of the past will cause more anguish and sadness.