So after everything going on with my story here's the link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2810654#Post2810654
My wife admited to cheating on me with her ex.
She's said it's been 2 years, and has only happened recently 1 time, so mostly in a year.15-20 that she's been with him. The recent time was right after our my story in the link happened.
I'm hurt!!! Not mad, not angry, but hurt. She just told me last night.
Well she says she hates him, and will never go back. She also says she isn't in love with me anymore, and still wants a divorce. Well she just came up to me and gave me a hug and started crying, asked do you hate me? I said no I'm hurt, but I don't hate you and I'm not mad at you.
She is feeling extremely guilty!! I can see the pain of it in her eyes. I told her I forgive her, and want to still try to fix things. I don't know why I'm so calm about it, weird.
Well she says I'm sorry, I still don't want to be married to you, because I'm not in love with you.
Now my question is is the part she doesn't want to be with me because of the guilt? Does she still have feelings for me? Can I save my marriage? Please help!!

Have you exposed? Is the OM married?

Threads merged, please stick to one thread.

I'm so sorry for the pain she is putting you through.
I've been in your shoes Sir.

Sir, This is what you posted a few days ago.
She is having an affair and you need to understand that you cannot trust anything she says and she is not brutally honest.

Affairs are based on deceit and dishonesty.

Your first step is to EXPOSE the affair. It should be strategically exposed far and wide to all family and friends, clergy and the affair partners family and friends (including your children).

You should first read the Exposure 101 thread.
Please read that thread and then come back here.
Stay focused, Sir.

Wouldn't this just make things worse? I want to fix them, not make them worse

He is divorced. Funny thing is he cheated on my wife when they were dating.

Of course not, Sir!
Dr. Harley would encourage you to EXPOSE. You need to do this instead of sitting on your hands.
If you want to save your marriage you need to read the EXPOSURE 101 thread and then return here.

The only way to fix your marriage is to bravely expose the affair.

Your wife will be horrifically, hissing and spitting mad

and

by the way.......she is not done with the affair.

She is gaslighting you to keep you on the line. You offer her things that her affair partner doesn't and vice versa. She needs you both.

She wants a divorce in order to continue her affair.

When will you be exposing?

Yes that's pretty typical. Dr H says men who pursue married women are universally - in his exact wording 'losers'.

The OM sees your wife as easy meat. He probably sits on FB all day looking for old girlfriends who are married and seem bored or are going through a rough patch.

Married woman = part time 'fun' relationship.

This will likely be an easy one to bust up if you do a full exposure on all sides without warning. If you do it as described in the exposure thread EXACTLY.

Without Exposure:
OM and WW get to stay in their bubble. They only ever say what the other wants to hear to protect this very fragile bubble. They talk about their fantasy future life together. At home, WW continues to act like you have lice, blame and blow you up in the security you will roll over like a puppy and take it. It's not long before she's gone, and has taken you for just enough money to make her acceptable (for a while) to the OM.

You will have already tried to talk sense to her - that doesn't work. Only exposure does.


With Exposure:
OM runs for the hills. He was only in this for the fun of it. WW is facing a bevy of disappointed relatives who want to know is she going to work on her marriage or run off with a play boy? She is furiously angry with you naturally, but there is no denying that you fought for her; he ran.

Your marriage can survive her temporary anger - it cannot survive the ongoing impossibly perfect fantasy of a secret affair.

Besides which - what have you got to lose?

We've had former wayward wives describe their husband's as heroes for not giving up on them once exposure has delivered them from the fog.

It's not a guarantee but Exposure will show you IF there is any chance at all.

Well I exposed her to her mom via text, I don't know if she believes me or not, she didn't respond, and won't talk to me at all. I called the lover, and his ex wife.
I don't know if my mil said anything to my wife, because this is what would make her the most mad. So the exposer is out there.
She's not in the slightest of mad.
Now, I talked to my wife, and she has a lot of hurt from it, won't look me in the eyes at all. She says she still wants divorce, but he is not the reason. She is just unhappy, and not in love with me.
But it's funny, the past year of our marriage was the happiest of our lives. We worked a lot out, and both fell back in love with each other.
Now, she had no contact with the lover for a year, the happiest year of our marriage. Well a few days after Mother's Day he called her for the first time in a year, well it was a exactly 3 days after that she dropped the bomb on me about not in love with me. She is swearing up and down she doesn't want a divorce because of him, and would have wanted one if he called her or not. I call bs!!! It's too strange mothersday she was tellin me how much she loves me, and how happy she is. She says she has no feelings for him and wants nothing to do with him, and is disgusted by him, after the last time. So no, I don't think the affair is off. He is blocked on fb, and I blocked in going and out going calls and texts from her phone from his number.

Has she written a NC letter and you send it?

She needs to change all her contact information. He will call her from a different number and get through.

Of course she is gaslighting you to say she wanted the divorce before. You're smart to see the BS.

I would finish your exposure today. Have you contacted OM's parents?

That is not exposure? What about the other targets?

ALL targets have to be hit in one day for it to work. If you just expose to a few people you just piss them off to no effect.

Can you go get OM's key Facebook contacts copied into a word doc NOW before he blocks you and prevents a full exposure?

Did you read the exposure thread?

Can you get your MiL on the phone and talk to her?

No one cares what your wife says either. Typical fogbable.

It doesn't matter if he blocked you - make a different account and look him up that way.

Then come back for guidance.

You are all talking to the most technologically disadvanced person out there, all I have is a phone to work from.

Is it normal for her to be so angry with me, because I still want to fix things? If I ask about the affair she is calm as can be, and sympathetic, but if I talk about not wanting a divorce, then she blows her top, is this normal?

YES it is normal for her to be angry. All wayward wives act like spitting cats. You MUST expose asap.

If you don't expose properly you've just pissed her off for no good reason.

DID YOU READ the exposure thread?

Can you call up a friend who is good with FB and get him to check out OM's profile?

Can you look OM up in the phone book and find parents, relatives etc?

What about the rest of your wife's relatives? Can't you just call them?

What about your relatives?

You seem more interested in chatting to the one person who already knows - your wife! Ignore her for now and get the job done. It will be weeks before she is worth talking to if not months.

If needed, have someone help you do a full EXPOSURE.
You need to get this done ASAP.
Also post the OM and your story on www.cheaterville.com

Any good recovory soft ware that I can get deleted messages off an iphone? The phone isn't backed up, so iTunes or iCloud back up won't work. I need to pull them directly from the phone.