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garak77 #2812290 07/29/14 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I'd like to add another twist.
My mom is very imposing. She was always asking a lot of questions during my marriage. My mom does not approve of many of the aspects of my marriage.
For example, my son sleeps I the same bed as my wife and always has.
(He is now 4) my mom always disapproved of this, and frankly, so have I.
I have asked my wife to fix this for years, and she has not.
(She is used to this kind of thing being from Brazil.
My mom took care of my son for a few hours while my W and I went to MC.
My mom questioned my 4 year old and came to the conclusion that my W was abusing him. (I think it is the way my mom asked questions and my 4 year old gets things in his imagination)
My mom called the police and defax came out and found nothing wrong.
I am positive my son was not abused.
I have not spoken to my mom in weeks, and my wife hates her. My son is not allowed to see her.

Oh boy, I would hate to be your mom. She shouldn't have done that but I can imagine she thinks very poorly of your wife. Did your mother have valid reasons to think your son was being abused? Did she speak to you about it before she called authorities?

But the most glaring problem I see here is that you work the night shift. YOU should be sleeping with your wife and spending the nights and evenings together. Your lifestyle has enabled your wife to carry on her affairs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2812293 07/29/14 10:34 AM
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Under PoJA, your son wouldn't sleep with you unless you BOTH enthusiastically agree. Since you don't you would need to change that. If you follow this program, and PoJA, it will resolve all problems and niggles like that. Additionally to PoJA Dr H places great emphasis on couples spending the night together alone.

You mother shouldn't be interfering in your marriage or child rearing and while she understandably thinks little of your wife - it's not her business. If you yourself have any concerns you should insist on a poly or question your son but it sounds like you don't.

Unless your mother has any kind of valid reason for her suspicions or line of questioning (I mean children in the bed is pretty common and not related to abuse at all) then I'd ignore it.







What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2812301 07/29/14 11:00 AM
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indiegirl, gmsisko1 works overnight so I don't think he is sleeping with the child.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2812306 07/29/14 12:09 PM
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Ah I see. Even though he doesn't PoJA the son sleeping with his mother alone either, it's unlikely she's happy sleeping alone. The PoJA solution is the same as the common sense solution and is simple, this couple should be sleeping together alone.

This reminds me of stories of when my grandfather worked shifts my gran would have the children - plural! - in bed with her. Curiously this habit also predates an affair on her part in their marriage, though they recovered. In some communities it's seen as being motherly but I think really it's a lonely or withdrawn woman who feels she is more mother than wife.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2812315 07/29/14 01:37 PM
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My wife has slept in the same bed with my son since his birth. This was long before the first affair, and it is also long before I started working overnights.
I am at home 2 nights a week, so my wife starts out in the bed with my con then comes to be with me in our bed.
This can last between 1 and 3 hours on those nights until. Until wakes up and cries, at which point she goes back to him.

My W tells me she feels better in the same bed as my son when I am working.
I suppose I need to get off nights before we can make some real changes, however I have expressed multiple times to her that I wish she would not sleep in the same bed as my son.
She takes no real effort to fix this. (It would be very hard for the first few nights.)
How do I get her to change this?
Should I insist she change this before I get to working days?

garak77 #2812317 07/29/14 01:46 PM
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I would get a day job and then use respectful persuasion to persuade her to sleep with you again. Make it a pleasant experience when she does come.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2812399 07/30/14 05:52 AM
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I agree. Make it happen but make it a respectful appealing request.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2812626 07/31/14 07:13 PM
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This is a tough question. We are about 6 weeks after d day. I still get triggers, I still get very very angry. (Mind movies of my wife being intimate with others seem to all but kill me)
I ask a question like, "why didn't you stop after being with the first man! why didn't you stop after the first time" she tells me that she did stop! which made me very angry! because she was with 2 other men, and one of them she was with for 1.5 years. Yes,she broke up with the latest one several times, but she kept going back. So no she never stopped until she got caught.

Granted, she had a lot of bitterness. (That's part of the problem, she can't let go of her bitterness) ..... I was into pornography for years, but is never touched another woman after being married.i stopped after my W caught me. (Honest to God I stopped) I know I hurt my wife greatly with that, but when it comes to hurting each other, I strongly believe she took the cake.

So anyway, she told me that she stopped, and I had a very angry outburst. I forget what else was said during the fight, maybe more will come to me, but she said she is going to divorce me. (She says that fairly often when she gets angry)

At times I feel she is remorseful, but there are times when I do not feel she is remorseful.

Part of me wants to give up on this, but I love my wife and I love my son.
I need to know without a double that my W is remorseful.

garak77 #2812627 07/31/14 07:41 PM
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Originally Posted by gmsisko1
This is a tough question. We are about 6 weeks after d day. I still get triggers, I still get very very angry. (Mind movies of my wife being intimate with others seem to all but kill me)
I ask a question like, "why didn't you stop after being with the first man! why didn't you stop after the first time" she tells me that she did stop! which made me very angry! because she was with 2 other men, and one of them she was with for 1.5 years. Yes,she broke up with the latest one several times, but she kept going back. So no she never stopped until she got caught.

Granted, she had a lot of bitterness. (That's part of the problem, she can't let go of her bitterness) ..... I was into pornography for years, but is never touched another woman after being married.i stopped after my W caught me. (Honest to God I stopped) I know I hurt my wife greatly with that, but when it comes to hurting each other, I strongly believe she took the cake.

So anyway, she told me that she stopped, and I had a very angry outburst. I forget what else was said during the fight, maybe more will come to me, but she said she is going to divorce me. (She says that fairly often when she gets angry)

At times I feel she is remorseful, but there are times when I do not feel she is remorseful.

Part of me wants to give up on this, but I love my wife and I love my son.
I need to know without a double that my W is remorseful.


Sir,
Every time you discuss her affairs you cause massive love bank withdrawls.
Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Were the affairs exposed?
Has she written No Contact Letters to the affair partners?

Jedi_Knight #2812633 07/31/14 08:09 PM
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Quote
So anyway, she told me that she stopped, and I had a very angry outburst.
None of your problems can be solved as long as you have Angry Outbursts. This is now your number one problem.

I can't blame your wife for contemplating divorce after you doing that to her. I came close to divorcing my own husband over similar behavior. Her affair does not justify your abuse.

Can you commit to never having another one again?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2812634 07/31/14 08:44 PM
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garak77 Offline OP
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I can try my hardest to never have an angry outburst.

I asked her why she didn't stop on her own after her first sex session.
(Before meeting the long term OM)

She has stopped, she has not contacted any of the OM.

How should I handle my anger? How should I handle my hurt.

Today, we were cooking and I was helping her mix the batter. I did a bad job if it. (Not on purpose)
She belittled me for it. (I have had behavior from her like that for years)

garak77 #2812635 07/31/14 09:18 PM
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Originally Posted by gmsisko1
At times I feel she is remorseful, but there are times when I do not feel she is remorseful.

Part of me wants to give up on this, but I love my wife and I love my son.
I need to know without a double that my W is remorseful.
Remorse is not a prerequisite for recovery. Restoring romantic love is. Demanding remorse is a love buster. Don't you see how this is counterproductive?


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
garak77 #2812636 07/31/14 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted by gmsisko1
How should I handle my anger?
Here you go.
Anger Management 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



garak77 #2812637 07/31/14 09:54 PM
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Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I can try my hardest to never have an angry outburst.

I asked her why she didn't stop on her own after her first sex session.
(Before meeting the long term OM)

She has stopped, she has not contacted any of the OM.

How should I handle my anger? How should I handle my hurt.

Today, we were cooking and I was helping her mix the batter. I did a bad job if it. (Not on purpose)
She belittled me for it. (I have had behavior from her like that for years)


Were the affairs exposed?
Isn't the last affair just a few weeks ago?

Jedi_Knight #2812645 08/01/14 12:31 AM
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The last affair ended about 6 weeks ago. The last affair was exposed to the Other mans wife.

The other affairs are long over.
Thanks everyone for all your help.

BrainHurts #2812658 08/01/14 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
How should I handle my anger?
Here you go.
Anger Management 101
Did you listen to the clips in here?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



garak77 #2812674 08/01/14 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by gmsisko1
The last affair ended about 6 weeks ago. The last affair was exposed to the Other mans wife.

The other affairs are long over.
Thanks everyone for all your help.

You should expose this affair to all family and friends, clergy and same on the OM side.
How did you expose to the OM wife? Did you personally speak with her?

Have you read Surviving an Affair? That book is a manual for surviving an affair and you need to be very familiar with the plan in there as the steps must be followed without deviation.

Jedi_Knight #2812757 08/01/14 05:26 PM
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I myself spoke to the most recent OM's W.

Is it a good idea to expose to the first mans wife even though no contact has been made for almost 2 years?

Should I avoid mentioning the affair to my W even though I am hurting a great deal?

Last edited by gmsisko1; 08/01/14 05:27 PM.
garak77 #2812758 08/01/14 05:34 PM
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Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I myself spoke to the most recent OM's W.

Is it a good idea to expose to the first mans wife even though no contact has been made for almost 2 years?

Should I avoid mentioning the affair to my W even though I am hurting a great deal?

Yes, you should expose the affair to the first mans wife. She has a right to know that her husband is unfaithful and you have a moral obligation to inform her (otherwise she is at risk of AIDS etc from a cheating husband)


Jedi_Knight #2812759 08/01/14 05:35 PM
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You have not answered the question I keep asking: Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley?

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