I am finding that my wife has come to the point in our marriage that she is uninterested in working on things together. I have interest in restoring our marriage but am unsure as to where to go. I am totally familiar with Dr. Harley's concepts. I've been on the radio show once. I have read Love Busters, His Needs Her Needs, am currently reading He Wins She Wins so I understand things. My problem is that my wife is emotionally disconnected right now and has no interest in anything positive when it comes to me. I have all of this knowledge but I have no structure at this point and do not have a well-defined plan to lean on. I don't know where to begin and how to develop a plan that I can follow that will help us. I've read the article on developing a plan. I have the workbook 5 Steps to Romantic Love. I understand the sequence; both of us agree to identify love busters, identify emotional needs, spend a minimum of 15 hrs a week together, etc. How do I do that when my wife isn't interested?

I find that I have to try to glean what my wife's love busters are without her input. What her emotional needs are without her input. I'm looking for some advice from someone who has had to do this on their own. Maybe most everyone starts on their own until they can create a little bit of hope in their spouses mind and their spouse is open to doing something. Looking for some wisdom here and I believe that many of you have already gone through this. Any advice you can share would be appreciated!

Does she complain to you about things? My wife refused to follow the MB program, and I have been going it alone. I found that when I read about the love busters and started actively listening to her that I had all of the information I needed without the questionnaires.

Start by eliminating the LBs that you control, like DJs and AOs. Then listen to what her complaints are, accept them without argument, and make changes to avoid them in the future. The Plan A works for me, in that if I avoid DJs and address her complaints, it does not take long before she opens up emotionally.

How much UA time are you spending together?

Have you eliminated the love busters that you previously posted about (dishonesty)?

Melody Lane suggested the MB online program, did you ever pursue that?

She does complain to me about things quite often. I have taken random notes and written things down and you're probably correct that I could glean most everything that I need from those notes. I haven't really been listening intently because I've heard these things so often that I tend to tune my wife out when she is in an angry rant. I will focus on listening closely...thank you for the thought

Honestly, I haven't really focused on anything intently and consistently. As far as the online course is concerned, we can't really afford this right now. I don't feel that I could convince my wife at this point to do anything like that and spend the money on the course.

As far as UA time, we've been inconsistent. I did notice that things were better when we spent more time together. I'm just in the middle of a time of emotional withdrawal (my wife's withdrawal) and it always deeply concerns me when this happens. She is so distant and so cold and uncaring. I finally understand why this occurs based on understanding what Dr. Harley teaches. Now I need to do something and I find that I think that I'm doing things but my wife doesn't acknowledge that I've done anything. That tells me that whatever I think I've done is not big enough and is not really a change but merely sticking my toe in the water instead of jumping in. I think that I just need to jump in wholeheartedly.

This is a good place to start. Your wife is telling you her complaints, you are just choosing not to listen. You need to listen and act on them.

How do you respond to these complaints? With love busting behavior?

Your wife sounds like she is in withdrawal. She is not going to come out of withdrawal if what she sees is a man who *talks* about wanting to change, but is not actually doing it. You have had a long history of love busting behavior, you need to change this BEFORE you can expect her to reengage in your marriage. Talk is cheap, definitely applies here.

UA time is one of the most critical aspects of Dr H's program. NO MARRIAGE can thrive without it. You need 20-25 hours a week to build romantic love, and 15 hours a week to maintain romantic love. In other words, you need to shoot for 20-25 hours. And this needs to be pleasurable time, NO LOVEBUSTING.

I notice a marked difference in my attitude as a wife after ONE DATE with my H (that does not include love busting). Imagine what would happen with the recommended 20-25 hours?

Have you identified her top EN's? If so, what are you doing to try to meet them?

I would drop the whole menopause thing too, if I were you. Many people on here have different health issues, different life circumstances...the advice that Dr Harley gives is the same to all of them. Your wife's withdrawal is due to many years of her EN's not being met and love busting behavior on your part, not due to her going into menopause. Yes it could be a factor, so could the weather, but you don't put that in your tag line.

If I were her I would be a bit insulted by your references to it. To me it comes across as you looking for a way to place the blame for her withdrawal elsewhere.

For a man who wants to save his marriage, ignoring her problems and diminishing them to "angry rants" is pretty dismissive and cold. Topping that off with assuming the defect is hers due to peri-menopause. Yikes. Double lovebuster.

Dividejim, (assuming by an angry rant you mean frustrated conversation, not cursing, insulting and yelling) when she is expressing herself with anger, imagine she is your most important client who is really angry about something. You would listen very carefully, and your contributions would be very calm, directing the focus of conversation back to earnestly and respectfully resolving the problem at every opportunity. Often this will quickly diffuse the situation by directing energy from emotions to solutions. When your client is angry, you don't tune them out dismissively or you will soon have no client. Same with your wife. You may be legally married and residing together, but as you can see, you don't "have" her as she is withdrawn.

If she is completely non-responsive and continues with anger after you try to be productive, then let her know that the conversation "bothers you" and that you are looking forward to resolving the issue at a later time, and leave the area.

Then, at a later time, do bring the topic up in a very calm, nice way with a few suggestions for resolution, i.e. "What would you think if we ....." Most importantly, whatever you agree to, DO follow through on.

After several instances of this she may be more open to cooperating on solutions instead of being frustrated and angry.

This will also reveal if she has a fundamental anger management problem (a different issue) or if she is just very frustrated with you.

Why don't you try this a few times and then come back to tell us how it went?

I believe that I can identify her top EN's based on what she's told me in various conversations. I've not yet really put pen to paper and written anything down that I could look at and think about yet...I need to do this.

I just want you to know that I don't blame the peri-menopause for this. I see my part and understand what I haven't done over the years and I understand the root cause of our problems and its primarily me. I'm sorry if it sounded as if I'm blaming her for our problems. I don't anymore. I've learned too much to do that. My wife is frustrated with my lack of changing; bottom-line. I'm just trying to now put a plan in place that I can implement so that we can get on the right track.

Your tag line, which is your brief description of your case, reads: "wife is peri-menopause; seems to be close to menopause." (not relevant) and "wife has had AO's our whole married life." Maybe true but if what you say about owning up to your part is true, why would it not say instead of all that, "I have lived a SSL with a large lack of O&H behavior, wife currently in withdrawal..." instead?

Regardless of what her top emotional needs are, you need to be taking her out on dates to meet the Intimate Emotional Needs of Affection, Conversation, Recreational Companionship and Sexual Fulfillment.

It seems to me reading through your posts that you have done a whole lot of reading and educating yourself on the MB program, and implemented next to nothing.

If you can identify her top three EN's (or even make an educated guess at them), why do you need to 'put pen to paper' to act on meeting them? Dr H advises starting by focusing on the TOP 3. That is only 3 things you need to remember. If her top EN is IC for instance, then you start talking to her more. It sounds like you have already read Dr H's books, therefore you should have read about IC. There are other very easy reads on this website about the enemies of good conversation, etc.

Just start implementing. There is no reason to make it some big planned out event. Keep reading and educating, and posting your problems. But reading and posting will not bring your wife out of withdrawal, ACTION will.

I couldn't agree with you more!

You need to keep up with the small things even without acknowledgement, because she more than likely will not tell you good job for things that she expects.

In withdrawal most spouses do not want to try, so you have to deposit love bank deposits without anything in return. This was hard for me to face as well, since I have a high need for admiration. I like to be thanked and told good job, and when in withdrawal I don't get this.

Actually, I often times field criticism. I will do exactly what she wants, but she will criticize me for something else. This generally comes as the spouse returns to the conflict state.

For now keep up with avoiding LBs and try to explore other areas where you can be more pleasant and make love bank deposits. Eventually you will notice a difference

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